//------------------------------// // Rarity Investigates- No It's Not Sexist! // Story: Rainbow Reviews My Little Pony // by SciWriter //------------------------------// Rarity clicked the remote with her magic, the next episode over. She twisted her face and then cocked her head. “Well? What did you think? I kinda like it,” I said. “I… I don’t know what to think… what’s on Twilight’s outline?” she asked back. “Well first she wants us to talk about the setting,” I said with a slight yawn. “Well… I see they were being consistent and staying in Canterlot. I half expected them to forget my shop and just move somewhere else. I mean, it’s a clearly a children’s story and kids don’t always remember from one story to the next… well actually, I suppose they can. I remember a few of the stories I read to Sweetie when she was younger. She always remembered if I told something wrong, she even remembered the things I sometimes add-libbed better than I did… Maybe that’s something other children’s series should be careful about.” “Guess I should be careful about Scootaloo’s bed time stories…” I said, not sure if I wanted that special time ruined by over thinking the experience. The filly only wanted me to do it every once in a while as it was. “So um…” I read, “Do you really use novels for inspirations for dresses?” “Oh on occasion of course,” Rarity replied. “Oh and I do enjoy Shadow Spade… it’s just… how do I put this?” “What’s bothering you?” asked Torkuda. “Maybe it’s all in my head. I just noticed something.” I raised an eyebrow to her and waved for her to go on. “Well… Shadow Spade is a stallion in the story. Now, to be fair, in the human world this is all fiction anyway, so by some twist they probably don’t know that. But I’m noticing something in this series. Rainbow, can you tell me of one good male character that appeared in the whole of these last two episodes?” I went to speak up and say a few names easily, after all the episodes had varied casts but… I paused. “No… actually I thought Spike was supposed to be in this, but he wasn’t in the last two…” “To be fair, we’ve only seen two episodes,” Torkuda pointed out. “Plenty of time to give a single good example of half the species,” I noted. Torkuda chuckled. Rarity looked at him curiously. “What’s so funny?” “Oh I think I know where this is going with you two. You will be wrong. But what will you learn if I just tell you so? Go ahead, keep going on this track. I’ll help you out in the end.” “You don’t need to dad us, we’re adults,” I commented. Rarity smiled, she liked intellectual inquiry or whatever, way more than I did. She wasn’t even invested in being right, just learning. Never saw the draw, but hey, having smart friends has benefits. “Well, like I was starting to say, one thing to note, I don’t understand why these people seem to think everything to do with dresses has to be female centered.” “Cause girls wear dresses,” I commented. “Didn’t break a sweat answering that one.” “Then what’s a kilt?” Rarity asked. “Actually through history, stallions have worn dresses all the time. The distinction is just a recent creation and not entirely set in stone even now. Besides, not every piece shown in the show was really a dress formally. Also I have modeled dresses after stallions. Beautiful ones at that, Rainbow.” “This is something about beauty being more than skin deep isn’t it?” I asked. “You’ve never seen a stallion as beautiful?” “Handsome, yes… maybe a little humin-a-humin-a if you know what I mean, but, not so much beautiful.” “Hmm… you just have to know what you’re looking for,” Rarity said. “A rock isn’t beautiful, but put it with many others in front of a setting sun, and it’s gorgeous.” I sighed. I guessed what Rarity said was profound there, but I didn’t get it. A pencil tapped me on the shoulder. I looked over my shoulder and suddenly remembered something. “Oh crap, hi there Vinyl,” I said. “You’ve been so quiet this whole time-“ the disabled white unicorn glared at me over the couch arm I was leaning on. “Oh- um- that wasn’t a joke about you being mute, I’m sorry, you just tend to be quiet and I forget you’re there… I mean I didn’t hear you- why is this so hard?” “Do you like digging holes with your mouth or something darling?” Rarity asked me. “She knows I’m good,” I finally said rolling my eyes. Vinyl kept glaring at me. “In fact you were just kinda messing with me there huh?” She kept glaring for a few seconds, but then she grinned. I grunted. “Fine you got me… how often do you do that to ponies?” Vinyl looked off into the distance, motioning her mouth as if to whistle. “That often huh?” She gave a sheepish grin. “So, we brought you here for a reason. What did you think of the intro song?” Vinyl opened her mouth, stuck out her tongue and pointed her hoof at her throat making choking sounds. “That good huh?” I said smiling. She gave me a lazy eyed stare. She showed me a note and I read it aloud, “”So bad it’s not worth the time to critique, that clear enough for you?””. I nodded, “So it’s you’re new favorite? I’ll let Lightning know all about-“you make my mentoree think I liked it, you’ll be eating this notepad with the pencil as dessert.””. I chuckled. “Always good to hang with ya Vinyl.” She grinned and slugged me with her elbow. She then walked out of the room. I returned to talking to Rarity. “Okay,” I said. “We’ll get back to this being a sexist show in a bit,” “I don’t know that it’s sexist per say but well…” “In a minute,” I said. “I just wanted to point something out- I FREAKING LOVED THAT THE REAL WONDER BOLTS FEATURED IN THIS!” Rarity laughed. “Oh that’s right. You were sitting there listing off their names and records each time they appeared on screen. I have to wonder… I guess I’m getting a bit personal here, considering… do you ever regret not following your dreams and becoming a Wonder Bolt in real life… can’t you still try to join?” I sighed. “This is real life Rarity. I wouldn’t trade Scootaloo’s happiness for taking the position of top bolt. I have a job already, along with a daughter, and… well I’m sorry, being a Wonder Bolt is a full time career that requires months of intense training and often constant deployment. I would hardly see Scoots for half the year, and even if I could stomach that, let’s not forget, it was neglect that her first mother was arrested for so… I need to be a mother whose present okay? Not just ANOHTER MARE WITH A BETTER EXCUSE FOR WHY SHE’S NEVER AROUND!” Rarity backed up a little on the couch. I shook my head. I realized I was starting to shout. “Sorry… touched a nerve. No, I can’t try to join again. Scoots won’t be grown enough for me to leave for another… I don’t know, ten years? About that much. Then I’ll be 31. They don’t recruit ponies that old because the training causes injuries… come to think of it, I don’t know what makes someone who’s thirty softer than someone who’s twenty, but the rules are the rules. I gave up one thing for another.” Torkuda gave a bit of a smile. “Are you sure you made the choice you wanted?” “What I want isn’t the question. It’s what she needs. My stupid wants… no matter how much I DO want them, aren’t anywhere near as important as…I just hope I’m good enough to be what she ne-“ “Sounds like you are,” The dragon said with a wink. I looked down. “Don’t… Twilight, when you watch this, don’t show this to Scoots if she’s with you. Just, skip this part for her okay?” Rarity tapped her chin a few times. “Rainbow, something has always been nagging at me, but I never find the opportunity and desire to research it come at the same time. What exactly are the Wonder Bolts?” I smiled. Surprisingly many ponies think the bolts are just performers. “They’re an elite rescue and rapid deployment unit. Most of what they train for is actually rescuing ponies from disasters or in the case of an enemy invasion. They’re trained in basic combat of course, but really their roll is mostly rescue. Equestria has had it good for a while though, so you only see a few stories every now and then about their real jobs. Spitfire herself showed me her trophy room after I said I couldn’t join… she was trying to convince me to stay… anyway, she had her trophies, then a bunch of drawings. She said the drawings were her real trophies. They were from foals she had saved from fires, tornadoes and floods. Those pictures meant a lot more to her than a few golden cups she won by showing off.” I looked down again. “I… I don’t mean to say what they do isn’t important. It is. I just have a different mission it turns out.” I looked at Twilight’s outline again. “So Rares, have you ever used your wiles on a stallion before?” I asked with a chuckle. “Is Sweetie going to see this?” she asked, with a kind of embarrassed expression. “If she does, Twilight, skip this part. Um… yes.” “Yes?” I said, a little surprised. “You were talking about sexism back there, isn’t that kind of-“ “Using my body in a perverse way, like those busy body mare activists say? Not every action I take needs to be analyzed to make sure I’m the best example of all mares or whatever. Honestly, if I can get a bigger piece of cake by batting my eyes at a stallion, then screw it, I’ll do it. Why not, I’m not hurting anyone. But c’mon Rainbow, you’ve never tried to get a stallion to do something by being a little flirty?” I took a back. I never saw this side of Rarity before. I was… intrigued. “Nnnnoooo-do you do it all the time?” She rolled her eyes. “Well… often enough.” “Isn’t that called, ya know, teasing?” “Yes, yes it is. And they like it. And honestly, I’m not the only one teasing someone with my body. I swear, sometimes when I’m fitting a stallion, he knows I’m having… fun… and does a few flexes for me. Sometimes I give them a discount for it.” “How many times have you-“ I started but Rarity cut me off. “I’ve corrupted you enough darling, none of your business.” She said with a chuckle. I looked back at the outline. “Oh here you go, you ever heard about the cologne juniper phoenix?-Why would she want to know that?” “Probably because Twilight knows about it too. It has a hilarious add campaign, but sweet Celestia, it smells awful. I can see it making mares run alright, away from whatever stallion is using it.” I never smelled the stuff myself, but I still chuckled at the visual. “Take it the show wasn’t accurate on that point?” “It’s definitely distinctive,” Rarity said. I smiled, the next question was for me. “Hmm, next, would Spitfire have ever talked me up like she did in the show? Um… even outside of training, I’ve never seen Spitfire talk up anyone still in training. You have to prove you’re an elite to get recognition, and if you haven’t proven yourself, she’s pretty black and white about it. She talks me up now, but I’m not in training anymore, not even a reservist. She really regrets me slipping through her hooves she says.” I shrugged. “There are times, I like to hold over her head how she talked down to me in training. She did it to everyone, and I know I’m not being fair, but who cares, its fun to rub her nose in it sometimes.” “So you and Spitfire are friends now?” Rarity asked. “Yea, I mean she never bragged on me as a trainer, but she always respected me as an element bearer.” I looked at the list again. “Anyway, Twilight wants to know two things about the scene where I spilled something on you… wow that’s specific- anyway, she wants to know if I really use spitshine- of course I do, who doesn’t-“ “You had better never use it on a dress I’m wearing…” Rarity interrupted. “And then she wanted to know if you really do toss dresses if they get stained.” “I… I should say not!” Rarity said. “A dress is expensive, even if I made it. There is such a thing as a spot remover, sheesh!” I nodded. Really even I knew the answer to that question, Rarity didn’t like anything happening to her creations in real life. Okay, so she wasn’t the type to go get them out of the trash when another pony tossed them, but she kept and restored dresses that were returned to her frequently. I looked at the next question. “And then we get to when I’m accused of tricking Spitfire. I can see how I would be kicked off the team, but yea, the idea that they were ready to kick me out without so much as having proof… are you kidding?” Torkuda nodded. “There is such a thing as innocent until proven guilty. When it comes to justice, I always like to say, “to listen and believe, is to invite to deceive”. You have to be critical before passing judgement.” “Yes, imagine a world without innocent until proven guilty!” Rarity said. “Rainbow could just accuse me here of raping her or something and that would be it, I’d be in jail!” Rarity shrugged. “Let’s go off list for a bit Rainbow. I want to talk about a few points of my “investigation”. I really do like that my character was being so keen. For instance, I did notice the hair from your mane was cut while watching the show, but I didn’t realize it was actually going to be relevant to the resolution. That was a clever point!” “I noticed that too...” Rarity raised an eyebrow to me. “What? I’m a visual learner remember? Surprised my character didn’t catch on really.” Rarity then put her hoof to her chin. “Then there was the part with the guards… I’m sorry, but I have to bring this up again. Once again, the show paints stallions in the least flattering light possible and they lay these stereotypes on thick!” “I thought it was hilarious personally. Thought you said you flirt all the time,” I pointed out. “I do on occasion- excuse me- not all the freaking time!” she snapped. I gave her a sheepish grin, then hung my head in apology a little. “Like I was saying, stallions are people. You can’t just swish your mane at them and get whatever you want. They’re not just obstacles. For a series called “Friendship is Magic”… they do realize you can be friends with the opposite sex right? You just have to treat them with actual respect!” I shook my head. “Rares, I don’t think that’s what they intended…” “Then why is there so little representation?” she asked. “If it’s because the main audience is supposed to be fillies- excuse me, girls, can’t girls also learn from boys and… what’s the word… men?” “I’m pretty sure they can Rarity, but the story just focuses on mares, that’s all.” Torkuda just chuckled behind us. “So Rarity, you have a suspicion of discrimination, now, where’s your proof?” “There are no male characters,” Rarity said with her hoof in the air and starting to look angry. “I counted plenty,” Torkuda said back. “Well… true, but they were all either dumb or evil. Name one that looked like a decent person!” “Soarin,” Torkuda replied. “I… oh right… he did. He was even the first to stand up when the truth was revealed.” She looked over at the small TV from the human world. “Am I the one being unfair?... wait… any of the mares act as stupid as the stallions?” “Rainbow Dash acted pretty air headed,” Torkuda pointed out. “Yep I- HEY!” I shouted. Torkuda smiled but ignored me. “It’s admirable to be concerned with the plight of others, especially if what’s effecting them doesn’t affect you,” Torkuda continued. “However, remember, you always need proof. You can’t just assign a motive.” Rarity gave a twisted smile, looking a little embarrassed. Feeling my own embarrassment, I had to ask something. “Um… guys, do you think I can ever be as air headed as in the episode… I mean, that was just comic exaggeration right…?” Rarity and Torkuda both looked at me and paused. “Well, ya know, don’t spare my feelings, just be honest…” Rarity chuckled, “Oh, well in that case,” she looked up at Torkuda. “I think it falls short of reality.” “You really have your moments,” said the dragon. “Let’s not forget the adoption you keep bringing up, that happened in less than a week. You really don’t think before you act.” I looked down, blushing, “Yea, as evidence, I asked that question. Rarity grabbed me in a head lock. “Oh darling, you’re OUR air head!” I pushed her off with very little effort and she fell to the floor of the cave. I then felt myself levitated off the back end of the couch and landed on my back. I shot back over the couch and we resumed our places, Rarity having a big smirk on her face. “I’m only letting you get away with that because I know how unfair of a fight it would be,” I said. “I thankyou, Scootaloo probably wants you home in one piece darling,” Rarity said. I intelligently suck my tongue out at her. “In any case, I also noticed that in the story, my character didn’t really use deduction so much as assumption. In many cases, like with the cake, she already knew her conclusion before she said it. From what I know of investigations, this is actually a bad idea. You’re supposed to ask open ended questions, not put ideas into the heads of witnesses. That can cause them to “remember” things that never happened.” She then rolled her eyes. “And, yes, I’m reserving judgement… but still, who here is surprised that the villain was a stallion?... Though I will ask, he was a very obvious stallion, so how did he pull off Rainbow’s voice?” Torkuda shook his head. “Actually I appreciate that the villain got some kind of just desserts in this story. As to the voice… that’s a good question. Rainbow you have a very unique voice.” “Scoots can do my voice pretty easily, but no one else,” I said with a nod, proud of myself and my daughter, only we could do my raspy female voice. I’ve been told it’s not exactly pretty, but it’s mine and mine alone. Rarity took the list. “Do we really need this thing?” she asked. “If Twilight wants to direct the conversation, she should be here.” She tossed it over her shoulder. “Let’s keep going, it’s more fun if we’re talking naturally. I think I can remember the order of events… Now, here’s a question, the forged letter said where Spitfire had gone, so, why didn’t anyone looking for her go in that direction? Or did they seriously wait until the end of the episode to actually READ the note?” “How did I not notice that?” Torkuda asked. “I did… it was weird. Is that what’s called a plot hole?” I asked. Rarity nodded. “And then, if no one else could get to Spit… how did I get to her so fast? I’m fast, but even I have my limits… plus I’m a sprinter, not a marathon flier.” Rarity levitated the list back to herself. “Hmmm, we seem to have skipped a point… about your little dances… Rainbow, have you ever danced like in the show when you got excited?” I started to sweat. “I um… no, of course not… recently,” I scratched the back of my head. I then dropped the act. “Okay, let’s face it, we all know I’m the youngest of the group, I still dance like a filly when I get excited… ice cream girl,” I added to Rarity. Rarity looked up and to the side. “Well I mean… chocolate has it’s… therapeutic properties.” “Yes, so much therapy is needed when someone tells you your taste in dresses is bad. Everyone has their opinion Rares,” I said. Torkuda laughed at our antics. I smiled over at him. “Oh Torky boy, don’t tell me you don’t have your moments of immaturity… what are they?” “This is being documented. You think I’m dumb enough to say?” Torkuda said. “Nope, as far as everyone will know I am a wisdom dispensing dad, and I’m fine with that. I’m never ever immature.” “Oh c’mon! Lightning Strike is still a rambunctious ball of energy, you can’t tell me her home example is perfect!” I shouted. “Turn off the camera,” “No, you’re telling!” I demanded. “I’ll make you!” He just laughed to this. “I can’t hurt you but I can always just talk to Lightning, she’s terrible with secrets.” “Oh and of course, an eight year old child can tell you all about the secrets of a five hundred year old dragon.” “It’s possible,” I said, wanting to defend my threat. “Ya know what? Episode over, Imma talk to her, you’ll see, I’ll get something embarrassing, “daddy”.” I turned off the camera.