[The Gala]
The Gala
The Goddamn Grand Galloping Gala
It was finally here, and it was finally time to put my plan into action. I had it all planned out, while the orchestra on stage was taking a break backstage during their intermission, I would go on stage and do my thing. And it was going to be amazing.
Right after I finish this glass of whiskey though, can't let it go to waste.
I downed the rest of it in one go just as the orchestra on stage finished. Tipping the bartender a few bits, I hopped off the very small barstool and started walking towards the stage, only to be stopped by Luna.
"Don't make me regret not stopping this." Was all she said before walking off. Continuing my journey to the stage, I was able to get on it without trouble due to the guards that I had bribed earlier. I walked over to the mic and tapped it, capturing the attention of everypony in the room.
"Hello all, you may already know me. If not, then allow me to introduce myself. I am Maxwell, currently the only human in Equestria, as far as I know of. As many of you know, I absolutely love making Princess Celestia's life Tartarus. Well, I'm here to kill two metaphorical birds with one metaphorical stone." This garnered a blank look from everypony in the crowd. Including Celestia, who could only stare in slack-jawed horror.
"Now you may be asking, 'What is this second metaphorical bird?' Allow me to answer. Many times I have been approached by ponies both in, and out of the castle for permission to listen to my music. And ever request to do so, has been declined, except for one blue princess. However, I am here to give you a glimpse into the world of human music."
I walked over to the nearby Grand Piano, and sat down on the seat that was too low for me, I had been preparing for this for a few weeks now, Craning my neck down, I put my hand into position and began to play, and sing.
[What She's Got - Ray Jessel (God rest your soul, you beautiful bastard)]
Being gay can be a problem, it's true
But being straight can have its problems too
This earned me a few cocked heads, ripe with confusion
I met this girl and she's just great
But the problem is that I am straight
You ask: "How can this be?"
Listen and you will see...
She's got that style
She's got that smile
She's got the talk
She's got the walk
She's got that zing
There's just one thing
She has a penis
This earned me an annoyed groan from Luna and an inaudible squeak of anger/embarrassment from Celestia. The Nobles in the crowd just stared in slack jaw horror. While the normal ponies snickered from behind their hoofs.
She's got that flair
Knows what to wear
She's got that face
That girl is grace
She's got pizzaz
Too bad she has
A penis
She's got a penis
This earned me even more laughs from the ponies, some of the nobles were starting to warm up to the song. I could barely make out Celestia's eye starting to twitch.
Now nobody's perfect, I must admit
Say, how many times do all the pieces fit?
She's got more going than most other dolls
Oops, I forgot about the balls...
By now Celestia was talking to a head guard, who just cocked his head in confusion. He was one that I paid off, and because I, technically, was not causing a disturbance, they really could not do anything.
But she's so hip
This babe's a trip
She's distinguée
She's got cachet
She's quite a dame
Ain't it a shame
A crime that's heinous
Those lips, those eyes
And big surprise
That penis
Queue More laughing from the ponies. By now, most of the nobles and normal ponies were laughing their plots off, whereas some of the more stuffier nobles had just opted to get the hell out of dodge.
There's always some failure, always some flaw
Ain't that what they call Murphy's Law
But male genitalia, that's where I draw the line
Besides, hers is bigger than mine...
The laugh after that last line was deafening, I should probably get my ears checked for titnitnus.
She's got class
She's got that sass
She's got that chic
She's got mystique
She's smooth, she's hot
She's got the lot
Except a mound of Venus
It's a tragedy
But where that should be
She's got a penis
She's got a penis
My life's a mess
Cause under that dress
She's got a P-E-N-I-S
Yes!
Hundreds of hooves stomped against the ground as the ponies in the audience cheered. I got up out of the chair and walked to the front of the stage, and bowed deeply before standing back up and walking to the microphone near me.
"Thank you! Thank you so, much!" I yelled into the microphone, barely overpowering the cheering ponies. Once the quieted down, I began speaking again. "If you need me, I'll be at Doughnut Joes. Oh and Celly? I'm not sorry." I hopped off the stage and immediately made a beeline towards the door. The moment I was out of sight from the majority of ponies in the previous room, I burst into a full-on sprint, laughing maniacally as I ran to my room. No doubt, Celly would be dealing with the fallout of my little stunt, might as well get as far away from her as I could in the little time that I had available.