//------------------------------// // I HATE YOUR BUTT! // Story: Gay Guy... Gay Horse... // by DavidTheWitch //------------------------------// Ashcloud looked at his mom who kept tightening his tie... His red maned, pink furred earth pony mom with a cutie mark of a pacifier and a blanket was apparently distracted due to she was halfway chocking him.... The grey furred brown manned pegasus with a cutie mark of a cell phone told her, "It is fine half of the ponies and people there are from my law school!" His mom told him, "But the other half are humans we don't know about..." He told her, "I am an strong and self-reliant adult... Mom!" His mom then told him, "I heard there have been anti-Gay attacks in a nearby sector. Don't tell anyone you are gay...." He yelled, "Mom up and till recently the East European Sectors and the German sector were different countries. No one is going to come down from the EE Sectors and bother gays." She went on, "The North American Sector recently elected that Trump person as Governor!" He snapped, "And even the Mexican Sub-sector knows he can't do half the things he promised and segregation is out of the question as the World Government Regulatory Body just outlawed it. Segregation has been getting a bad rap even among anti-Pony elements after China tried to redefine the definition of human to control black immigrants." He continued, "We are in the German-Austrian-Polish Sector... Even the Polish sub-sector believes in equality... Your talking about things that will most likely not even happen." He grabbed his tie did his buttons and flew out the window not forgetting his wallet.... *********************************************************************************************************************** He flew to the Paulaner... There he ordered a small Egg and Tomato sandwich with fries and sat with two human friends who were already there. They were a woman in hijab and an older Skinhead of the Anarchist variety who was actually Jewish and had a huge Militant Reform Judaism Tattoo to prove it. He sat down... John Israel yelled, "Why are you late?" Ashcloud told him, "Mom of course!" Kathy the Muslim Woman asked,"Is she still afraid we would eat you...?" Ashcloud looked at her in his suit, "Just like she no longer walks around naked she no longer does that... It is now that she is afraid of hate crimes." John told them, "That woman is perhaps the most paranoid person I have ever met... Oh she is the first woman I saw naked...." Kathy stated, "I actually had no problem with that... I had a problem when she started going on about how naked meant free... I already had people telling me I covered up too much. But then I got to have someone telling me at 12 how being butt naked was true freedom." John said, "I actually don't mind the idea of Ponies being allowed to be naked as long as they don't have short tails. Ew..." Ashcloud told him, "Then tell my mom cuz she loves to walk around the house naked." John said, "Oi Vay!" Ashcloud yelled, "Oi Oi Oi Oi!" Kathy screamed even louder, "Oi Oi Oi!" A voice came from over at the outdoor counter, "FUCK THIS SHIT I WANT HORSE MEAT!" John looked up at the noise... John said under his breath, "Bone Head..." Ashcloud said, "Oh there's is Nazi out here isn't there!" Kathy yelled, "Oh dear Allah I remember when they were after Muslims too?" Ashcloud yelled at the Neo-Nazi, "NO ONE IS OFFENDED EXCEPT THE INTELLIGENT!!! YOU GUYS EAT OTHER APES RIGHT!" The Nazi screamed, "SHUT THE HELL UP HORSE!" John said, "You guys no longer after us Jews... I no care!" The Nazi Skinhead looked him, "Hey shithead...." John said back, "Hey bonehead... Did you evolve to that form recently?" The Nazi screamed, "Aw everyone look a fucking Jew trying to stand out! You can't touch me under the political protection act!" Several people stood up... John said, "You do realize just a few years ago no one would say that... Can't believe the American Immigrants got hate speech legalized." The Bonehead yelled, "Hitler did nothing wrong bitch!" Almost everyone stood up... "IS THIS AN AMERICAN?" "FUCK WHAT IS THIS THIS GUYS ACCENT IS AMERICAN LIKE ME! PLEASE TELL HE'S NOT!" "This better be Europool looking for sympathetics!" Kathy yelled, "People may not all like Ponies but no one likes an idiot American! No German would deny the Holocaust you fucking idiot?" More people started talking... "It was tourist back in my day..." "I can't believe some of my people are this ignorant!" "My wife is Jewish Trump kofte...." "I can't believe young immigrants these days... It is just as bad from the East Euros..." "I am East Euro and I haven't heard this from anyone but Muslims... Converts to be exact?" "We'd smash this idiot in my day..." "My father was part of the resistance to both Nazism and Communism!" "What's wrong with us Communist... We don't hate Jews!" "Dukan kofte..." “I am a member of the Nationalist Right... But Shoah denial... As a Jew? “Fucking my mother is Jewish!” “I am Polish and I only see the poor uneducated act like this American!” “American's Educational system is failure and they send the trash here!” “I am American and I know better!” John started walking towards the Bonehead adjusting his wrist... “Get out now!” The Bonehead yelled, “Freedom of speech!” John yelled, “Fucking Bone Head that doesn't work with Germans!” And then John struck the Bonehead and a bunch of people ran up to do the same... He got up and took his pills.. Brian had moved to Germany due to their were less of them... Ponies... He had studied German Law at a private academy without many of them... They were monsters to him... He remembered what happened to his mother when they started appearing... He stuttered as he thought about it... She had done nothing wrong... a Skype call came in and a Griffon appeared on his computer. “Hey Brian?” He asked, “Yes!” “You do know in order to stay in the German-Austrian-Polish Sector you need to work...” “Yes I know that is why I got a job at this firm!” “Your phobia is heavily involved there... They work in cases involving ponies...” “Yes representing against Ponies most of the time...” “And you know how they look fair doing that....” “No..?” “They hire tons of ponies!” “What...?” “Your just going to need to face your fear kid?” “What..?” “There is nothing you can do to avoid them anymore without dropping out of society. And frankly your father doesn't want that? You already moved overseas...” “I could join ISIS?” “A gay man joining ISIS?” “It is possible?” “No... No it's not!” “There has gotta be something I can do?” “No all options closed up a long time ago... You have just been living on luck?” “ISIS is still an option?” “No...” “I can join and renounce my homosexuality....” “You do realize they would kill you anyway....” “But...” “Listen I sound cold but I speaking out of necessity. I wouldn't tell any patient of mine to face his fear at this point in the therapy normally. But it is the only way with you... This is an entire people.... Not just some silly thing you can avoid...” “I need more time...” “I know but this isn't something you can avoid like Airplanes or Deep Water..... They are part of society now....” “Have you seen the Bug ones...” “They are not ponies!” “The bat ones....” “They are rare?” “They all look like they have fangs to me?” “Please stop!” “Sorry it is just... What they did to my mother!” “They didn't do that to your mother... One of them did?” “Doctor Claw....” “Yes?” “I am scared...” “I know... I always had trouble talking to them back in my world.. That is why I took cases like yours... But you were just as scared of me at first...” “Well you have claws and your name is Claw....” “Not an excuse...” “One just started a fight with a bunch of people at the Pualiner this morning...” “Woah... That is a lie... A anti-racist skinhead started the fight after the man denied the holocaust... Everyone with Jewish Connections beat him up and their were no ponies other then onlookers involved … The Media is already apologizing to the pony community and no one is charged due to the owner didn't want any people harassing Jewish or Pony Costumers... Which was what the guy was doing. The guy was trying to order horse meat and the place has never served horse meat as far as I know.” “How do you know it is a lie?” “Because I went to several reliable Government Websites which cleared it up! The video shows no ponies attacking (who got quite a beating by the way) even joining in and I don't think anyone edited it!” “But Trump...” “Trump is a media hungry celebrity who took power based off of fear of the Magical Creatures... He no more has any more credibility then Joe the Crackhead. I just had a pataint with delusions about The Israel Mossad still operating despite being officially disbanded attack a Jewish Graveyard after something he said. Don't listen to him... In fact turn off the news if it starts talking about him!” “But he is the Governor of my home sector...” “And would your dad listen to Hitler if he were the Governor of his home sector. The guy wants power!” “Sorry!” “Okay I'll sign off!” He walked in... There was a group of humans and ponies in a line facing the boss.... “According to the Police one of you started a fight with a local member of Nationalist Right and I believe it was you...” He point to a gray pony with a brown mane.... Sundenly a young bald headed man yelled, “Sir there were no Ponies even involved and he wasn't just a member of the Nationalist Right but an actual Nazi!” “And...” “And he denied the Shoa!” “I guess the fight was about common decency and not just some Pony over reacting to insults. But still we serve people no matter what their politics so thereby you should have just let it fly!” The Boss looked, “Your all dismissed... If I hear about new members of the firm acting this way again someone may get let lose.” The Gray Pony muttered, “Dumb Bonehead blamed me!” He looked at the Boss, “Was that about the fight on the News...” The Boss a gray haired balding man with Jewish Complexion looked at him, “A lot of fights happen these days. If I cared about Social Justice I would be on the Ponies side... But I am an Old Jew who just looks for money. But I am proud of the younger generation of Jews always taking a side though unlike some men my age.” “I am half-Jewish and the fact is I don't like em? That's why I working here!” “Well then you are gonna be in Hell because your desk is surrounded by them....” “What....” “Alright I don't want to hear anymore just get to work your day will end at launch and you are being paid a great deal by the hour so get to work! Just because your American...” He started walking the walk of death... He looked up and muttered to himself, “I can do this... I can do this....” Then suddenly we he was half-way there... He tripped over something well holding his papers... “Woah there...” said the voice of the Gray Pony. He couldn't look up... The Gray Pony said, “You got to pick up your papers.” He stayed on the floor... “You got to pick them up?” He just started crying.... “I think I broke a human!” He heard a bunch of ponies walking towards him.. One said, “Should we poke him???” Another said, “I got a ruler and I am a unicorn!” “Okay....” A ruler started poking him in the head... “Okay that's enough... Get up...” Brain started muttering, “Dumb horses go away!” “RACIST!” He continued, “Horses....” The Gray Pony said, “You know this isn't funny!” He told him, “Go away horse!” The Gray Pony told him back, “I am picking you up and taking you to your cubical!” He suddenly had the Pony's head placed under him and then was on it's back... He slowly was walked to the cubical... The Pony put him down in a chair... “I just accidentally read one of your papers are you happy!” “NO DEMON HORSE!” “Okay that is just not nice....” “Confound these ponies they drive me to drink...” “What...?” “No Jelly Belly I don't want to play with you horse!” “Who in fuck is Jelly Belly!?” “A horse with the weirdest dad with Giant Jam Jars!” “Okay... Are you having a seizure?” “You horses are enough to give a person a seizure....” “Okay I am not sure how to feel about that.” “Horse you need to get around... The meanest Gay Bars are up in Berlin!” “What are you going on?” “Horse you need dick in your life!” “Well I am perfectly okay with inter-species but this is a little weird?” “Baby just go with it...” “Okay..?” “Baby here is my address...” and he gave him a card... “Well this is direct?” “Bitch don't question it... 9 o'clock tonight....?” “Okay...” The Pony walked out... He realized what had happened after he started working... He just asked a pony out on a date... His mind reeled with the possibilities! He was sleeping when heard a knock on his condo door at 9:00... The person kept knocking... He opened the door and said, “We don't want any!” in English! “Why are you in your pajamas?” said a familiar Gray Pone! He saw the Pony and yelled, “What do you want?” The Pony told him, “The way you tried to pick me up was so straight forward and crazy especially after making bigoted remarks that I just wanted to take a hypocrite up on his offer.” He started getting nervous and he said, “Erm fine... Come in!” The Pony walked in... “Hey this is nice... How much this cost you!” He said nervously, “My Dad... My Dad... Pays for it!” The Pony plopped down on his Purple Love Seat, “Nice...” He muttered, “Erm...” The Pony said, “You better get dressed and ready to drive...” He went to think about how to get the Pony out of his house.. When he got back and was about to tell the Pony to leave the Gray Pony said, “Oh Good... Your dressed...” He looked.. He was dress in a yellow and orange retrofuturist suit and bow tie. The Gray Pony said, “Now get your car keys!” He went and got them. Before he knew he was speeding down the Autobahn. He looked at the Pony which was now letting his tongue flap evilly in the wind as he stuck his head evilly out the window. Why was this happening? Why...? If only he could get the Pony never to come back... He know how he went to the worst rated nightclub he could find on his phone... He stopped in front and then got a suprise. The Gray Pony told him, “Oh you like this place too!” He looked him, 'Why does this pony like the worst nightclub in Berlin?' The Nightclub was basically a large round building which looked pretty nice. It had the The Colt Locker. Why was that the name... something seemed off... What did it mean by Colt he was walking and a Guard said, “ID YEAH!” He handed the guard his ID not really paying attention then felt that it had a hoof... He looked... It was a white Pegasus with small undersized for it's oversized muscular body. “I LIFT!” It yelled... He said sheepishly, “I see...” He walked... Techno blared.. Ponies danced wildly... Griffons drink watching Pony Fem Boy strippers in Sock and Panties... huge beefy ponies with erm...? Facial Hair...? kissed in bondage suits... He stated in utter amazement... “OH MY GOD!” Two twin ponies with Pink Fur and Pink Poofy Hair started making the 2001 theme going, “Bum Bum bum bum!” “It is full of ponies!” He walked through the dimly lite house of horror looking at the purple stools and fake leopard skin counters and red and black couches. He sat down at the bar with the Gray Pony. The Gray Pony said, “Whose paying Brian...” He said, “Me I guess...” Nothing left to do since everything had basically gone to shit. “What's your hardest stuff?” Bartender who was a Minotaur told him, “Immation Cherry Jubilee Cherry Flavored Vodka!” He told the bartender, “Give me a tall one!” “Coming right up!” The drink came down and he gulped it in a minute... He asked the Pony, “How do you know my name...” The Pony said, “You gave me your business card remember?” He drink down another Vodka, “Your going to hell!” The Pony said, “Listen the names Ashcloud and I am not connected to any of your Gods.” He yelled after downing his third Vodka, “What is going on!” The Ashcloud told him, “Your on a date...” He stammered, “But what does all mean.” “If I could answer that question I would either be rich or living as a hermit...” “Wah... Wah... Why..?” “I think you need to get something else in you besides Alcohol... Let's go to DJ Pon3 booth...” He passed into a crowd of Ponies wildly dancing then came up to a white unicorn using her telekinesis to rock out. DJ Pon3 told Ashcloud, “Hey your dates an ape!” Ashcloud said, “Yeah first time a human came on to me.. Something didn't feel right about turning him down even though he is a a bigot after I tried to get into one's pants in collage!” DJ Pon3 said, “Well do want help him loosen up!” Some things happened and suddenly he was sucking on strange cylindrical object. As he sucked less and less mattered too him. The rest of the night was a strange blur... “Baby you can dance with just two legs...” “Put that money in the panties....” “Listen Dude before you can bang a pony you gotta know us griffons have all the tips on how!” “I am a clone from a pond and so is she!” “Dude stop that... No gay bestiality in the cab!” Fallowed by, “I think it's gay xenophilia...” And then... “We don't do that on the first date...” End of Chapter One....