//------------------------------// // CHAPTER TWO // Story: Twilight Sparkle Punches a Baby // by democritus //------------------------------// "Holy shit Spike I've got it!" It was the first words Twilight had said in a while. Spike was just getting used to the idea of her quietly brooding. "I've focused too much on conventional means of recreation!" "And here I thought I knew what you were whining about." "It's simple, Spike! I just simply have to take a deontological view of having fun." Spike sprang up in alarm. "No way! You're not messing with my teeth!" "Deontological, not dentistry. As long as it produces a desirable end - such as me not being so fucking bored - it is a justified action!" "Should I ask what 'it' is?" Spike's concern was almost tangible. "Simple! I'm going to punch a baby." Spike stared blankly. After a good fifteen seconds he blinked. Synapses and neurons were trying desperately to piece together what the words that had just entered Spike's brain meant and how he should respond. The intense action eventually produced a response. "What?" "I said I'm going to punch a baby." The synapses resumed their incredible and deadly task. "I hope this is a euphemism or code name for stitching or something." "Nope!" Twilight somehow looked proud. "I am going to sneak up on a baby and sock it right in the face." "Sweet Celestia what is wrong with you!?" "It's okay Spike, the baby won't be old enough to form coherent memories. Its experience will be ephemeral, while I'll be able to look back on this moment with joy!" "But why punch it? Couldn't you do something nice?" "Anyone can do something nice to a baby any old time! What I'm talking about is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to punch a baby. It will be what I've desired for so long, a novel experience!" "I'm not going to be able to talk you out if it, am I? I just want you to know this is a horrible idea and you will regret it." "That kind of thinking is how I got the ennui jar so full. A life without regrets is a life without risks! Now come on, Spike! The damn foal will never see it coming!" Twilight opened the door by ripping it off its hinges with magic and sprinted into the town. "I hope the foal will pay for a new door," Spike said, walking after Twilight. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Twilight poked her head around the corner of one of the market square tents. "And there she is, Peach Cobbler, the baby who will be my salvation." Spike poked his head out and sniffled a little. "Seriously Twilight I think you're salivating a little. Does punching a baby mean that much to you?" Twilight ignored his protests. "Fuzzy Peach doesn't really pay that much attention to her during the market, so she'll think Cobbler is just grumpy or upset or something. And escaping is no problem I can just wink out. Wait, now's my chance! Let's go!" Twilight tip-toed next to the celery tent, with Spike following. Fuzzy Peach was there, bartering with the salespony, an excruciatingly long and intense process. As expected, Peach Cobbler was in a stroller near her mother. Barely able to keep her excitement in check, Twilight looked over the crowd. Good, no one was looking this way. Everyone cleared out when Fuzzy first protested the price. She reared up her hoof, "Ah-ah-CHOO!" Spike sneezed. Everypony there turned to him. "Gesundh-" THOCK! Everypony stared in shock. Twilight, leaning over the stroller with a hoof held high, met their stares. The only sound was Peach Cobbler sobbing. The seconds felt like hours as nothing happened. Twilight winked out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Now, tell me what you've learned from this," Princess Celestia said in her sternest voice possible. "It is not a good idea to punch a baby," Twilight replied. "And the OTHER thing?" Princess Celestia managed to up the stern. "Using deontology to justify selfish desires is unjust, short-sighted, and is not a desirable end for the group." "Aaaaaaand?" "I should stop swearing so much." "Eh, good enough." The princess of the sun returned to a more normal tone. "Well the funds in your ennui jar only covered half of the bail, so unless you can convince your friends to lend you a few bits... well, I guess you're shit out of luck!" "Didn't you just-" "Bye bye!" Celestia closed the cell door and walked out of the jailhouse. She flew back to Canterlot, to the royal palace, to her chambers. After dismissing her guards, she pulled a jar full of bits from under her bed, labeled "swear jar". She put a bit in the jar.