//------------------------------// // Taste // Story: Max Payne Stumbles Into Equestria // by CelestialScribe //------------------------------// The thunderous rounds of party poppers shot me in the face, scattering it's bright, frilly entrails over my dull character. The party then kicked it into fifth gear, leaving me in the dust as many of them began talking amongst themselves. The tree lit up with conversation and noise, almost forgetting the fact that there was a human here. Clearly in Pink's parties you didn't need to understand the occasion, you just went. I suppose being human is what attracted the massive number of them though. I was getting a lot of stares. I saw Twilight and Pink making their way to me through the fields of crowds. Pink had a plate of cake resting on her back which was managing to stay balanced throughout the bouncy ride she was giving it, while Twilight's approach was a much more composed, careful walk. "Hey, Max, I'm sorry about this, but Pinkie insisted," Twilight said just before Pink bounced into earshot. Over the course of a single day Twilight had learnt I would hate this, the flocks of ponies and masses of noise, drowning me in their attentive inspections. She knew that much about me already. "Happy birthd- I mean, er, welcome Maxxy!" Pink beamed as she offered me the entire cake resting on her back. It was laminated in layers of chocolate and pink frosting. I hadn't done a blood-sugar test recently, but I was positive that eating this would result in diabetes. "Don't call me that. Why the hell are there this many peo-... ponies?" I said, momentarily catching the glances of a couple of random ponies. A new pony appeared, this one flying above the crowd. "Obviously you've never been to a Pinkie Party!" This one had a rainbow patterned tail and mane, but a blue coat. Yet again, this pony seemed more or less relaxed at my presence. The lack of prejudice in this community was astounding. Immediately coming from her I sensed a brash attitude. I didn't think I'd like this pony. Maybe it was youth in general, she reminded me of cocky, young hoods back home. Not exactly the respectful type. There they were, accepting me with open arms and a party, while I planned out who to avoid and dislike. "Max, this is Rainbow Dash," Twilight introduced while I tried to plot the quickest escape route. Rainbow Dash landed next to Twilight, but upon seeing how much taller I was, began flying again. Some kind of inferiority complex. Or just plain intimidation. I had a bleak outlook on things. "Yep, fastest flyer in all of Equestria here!" She wasn't doing much to dissuade my theory of her being cocky. "So... you're the... hummus?" "Human, Rainbow. Hummus is a type of dip," Twilight corrected. "I knew that!" She quickly exclaimed. "Yeah, well, nice to meet you then, Max. Good luck with... whatever it is you're doing, Twilight. I'm going to go see about that drinks table." With that quick introduction, she flew off. The drinks table sounded good, I hoped they had gin. If it meant wading through the crowds though, I could wait. I desperately wanted to go upstairs, to the bathroom to break away from this whirlwind of socialisation. But that ran the risk of being stopped by the many ponies blocking the stairs. If any of them were like Pink, I wouldn't be eluding this party. Something told me this was inevitable, that this was how you're inducted into Ponyville, so there was no point in attempting to get the whole thing called off. As much as I enjoyed being the buzz kill of existence, I guess I owed them my life, for the amount of suffering that's worth. The next pony on this roundabout of misery that lead to meeting me was an orange pony with an actual Stetson hat. Another example of humanity in Equestria. The variety of colours never stopped, this one had an orange coat but a blond mane. The way she spoke was almost humorous to me, a thick southern accent to complete the image of a cowgirl. I was beginning to understand the differences between male and female in this world. Though there were far less males, differences in facial structure seemed to be the give-away. "Howdy partner! Name's Applejack," the orange pony said cheerfully. I don't know how they managed to put up with this party so well. Maybe I was just the spitting image of a crotchety old fart that despised fun and all it's friends, laughter and happiness. I was hoping that Twilight didn't have many friends to introduce me to, but then, what else did I have to do but stand here? "Uh..." I sighed, rubbing my eyes, "Hello." I should have at least tried to be approachable. Or at least not a complete asshole. "Twi tells me yer the human the princess wants some info on?" She didn't seem to notice though. "Yeah, pretty interesting town you've got here." I could at least feign an interest in small talk. "Anythin' like your world?" "Aside from the talking ponies and magic, it looks pretty much exactly the same." And more colourful than a rainbow sent through a blender. "No kiddin'? Huh, well, ah hope you enjoy yer stay here, fer however long it'll be." I was wondering that too. "Thanks... nice to meet you." I couldn't help but inwardly remark on my own slowness of pace when speaking. It could have been the confusion, but honestly, I think I was used to it now. Maybe it was the fact that I was supposed to be friendly. That would be a challenge. I heard Pink's voice be dragged away by the various party-goers, following the stream of conversation. I assumed she was well known around here, especially if she was able to gather up the entire town for a party. "Max, you look positively marvellous in that!" I heard Rarity say as she came closer to us, meandering carefully past the jumbled crowds. I couldn't disagree. Only thing left was for my hair to grow back. Although, appearance never was something I cared for much. The unicorn, like everyone else, was without clothes. What was the point in having a clothing store then? After this party, I guessed, would allow me to ask some questions. And probably receive a lot more. "Oh, thanks. It's a good fit. Brings back memories," I said, polishing the black sleeve with my hand. "What about the shirt? Is it itchy? Or are the legs too long on the pants?" She asked back. "No, they're-..." "Maybe the buttons of the jacket aren't quite even?" "I-" "How abou-" "Rarity!" Applejack cut her off with a sharp call. "Ah think he's fine." "Oh. Right. Sorry. I just want it to be absolutely perfect!" "It is, don't worry," I said. Reaching into one of the jacket's pockets, I pulled out the small sack of coins. "I don't think I pestered you enough to accept this." "Oh, not this again. Twilight, I'm not taking your money. Think of it as a welcoming gift for our friend here," Rarity said to the annoyed purple unicorn. I didn't want them to think of me as a friend. Friends of mine had a nasty habit of not waking up the next day, or losing everything that being a person should entitle you to. I was the embodiment of a plague, draining the life out of others around me and spreading until entire cities fell. "But Rarity! You can't go around giving your works away just like that!" Twilight pleaded. "Dear, you seem to be forgetting something. Element of generosity here. Being slightly selfless is a requirement," Rarity said with pride. Element of generosity? Is that some kind of title, like a lord? I just stood there, dumbly, seeing how far the pockets in the dark beige pants went. "B-but... uh, fine," Twilight sighed. "But when you need a loan... I'll probably still help... but there will be a serious lecture involving 'I told you so' over and over again!" "Point taken, dear." Rarity scanned the room briefly, "Have any of you seen Fluttershy?" Oh, no, another. I was going to be standing here all night. There was a faint flapping of wings to be heard over the hubbub of mass chat, and a line was clearing for a yellow pony as she navigated through the horde haltingly. "Sorry... excuse me, oop-sorry... if I could... um... just get past... please..." Oh. Because she's shy. What they did there. I see it. Equestria is a living, breathing pun. Twilight announced the new pony's arrival, as she seemed too scared to stand up straight. I'm not sure whether it was because of me or her natural self. "Max, this is Fluttershy." "Oh... um... h-hello..." She stared up at me, her eyes partly covered by the pink mane. I don't think I could have seen anything more nervous in my life, and I once stood over an amputated, burnt soldier with a gun pointed to his head. "Hi," I replied simply, leaving no room for further conversation and increasing the awkwardness dramatically. She scratched the floor with a hoof gently, like she didn't want to harm the woodlice's home. She was looking down at the floor, while I looked around the library. I spotted, once again, the grey pony atop one of the tables, checking her cello, waiting. In order to break the uncomfortableness, I asked Twilight about it. "Erm, Twilight? What's with the pony on that table? With the instrument?" "Oh... well, I think we've all warmed up now. Do you remember when you said you liked orchestral, sadder music?" "Yeah..." I wasn't sure whether I liked where this was going. "I arranged something with Octavia, the pony with the cello over there, and I guess now's as good a time as ever," Twilight said before waving a hoof in the cellist's direction. The pony nodded in response, made sure she was in a proper stance, and put the bow to the cello. The piece that came out was an old familiar one, and the chatter died down in awe. There it was. The soundtrack to my life. Everywhere, it followed me, the notes bleeding together and filling in the veins of my shattered life. The sound of my struggle, of my slowly fading self. Of my redemption? How do you redeem someone destined to cause suffering wherever you go, no matter where you go? For the rest of their life. These thoughts were accustomed by now, but the music washed away the anguish that was embedded in them. Harmony. That rare occurrence that happened in an even rarer place. It was a tune of mourning, of regret, of myself. Pain. I carried with me that burden of family just like my own name. But at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to loathe it the way I loathed myself. Even as it reminded me of all of the atrocities I had committed, each life took and each fibre of my being corrupted, it was always there for me. It wasn't inspirational, nor was it depressing, it was me. In all my sinful glory. It called out to a better life, a real one. Not something built upon the crushed dreams of others. That's what I lived off of now: memories. Realising that I'll never have anything like I used to. This was one of the only notes in my life that wasn't played towards my blood-drenched soul, but to dark nostalgia. I had a distorted vision of what a person's 'happy place' was supposed to be. I opened my eyes, and quickly wiped off my idiotic, grim smile. To most it wouldn't be a smile, but it was a pretty big milestone for me. The ponies listening were either staring at the musician or me, as clearly none of them would request this at a party. The room was completely silent as it was brought to an end, each pony's mood significantly downtrodden. I did the very least I could for that musician, as everyone else was to stunned by the turn of events to, I applauded. Soon after, Twilight and her close friends supported me in it, but instead stomping the ground with their hooves. After grasping the concept of what I was doing with my hands, the others joined in, until the tree shook with applause. The cellist took a bow and stepped off the table, merging with the infinite crowd. I hoped they had CD's of her performances. I'd probably need money for that though. A job, then. That was next on the list. After a year-long sleep, maybe. A roaring crack destroyed the calm atmosphere surrounding us, as Pink rolled a cannon through the front door. Firing it lead to a cheer from the attendees, it was an indication for something. As the blast of confetti sprayed over the room, another pony rolled in a set of sub-woofers. This pony was a white unicorn, with two shades of blue in her short, sharp mane and a pair of purple goggles. The others seemed ecstatic at her arrival, all chanting, "Vinyl, Vinyl, Vinyl!" She took her place, smiling, on top of the table where Octavia once was with her quadruple set of speakers. The stream of synthetic music immediately pulverised my eardrums and sent the tree shaking again. "Oh, Pinkie!" Twilight cursed over the booming sounds. "I'm sorry, Max. I said no dubstep!" Honestly, I was fine. The previous piece must have soothing properties because I wasn't debating whether or not to go on a killing spree listening to this. "I'll go try and talk to her!" Twilight left, and I could see Fluttershy cowering near Rarity from the deafening music. "I think we'll take a breather outside, if you don't mind!" Rarity shouted, and escorted the timid pony outside. Leaving did sound like a great idea, but I had my own ways to cope with it. Pulling out another painkiller from the jacket, I noticed as I ate that it was getting increasingly hot. I took off the black jacket and looked for somewhere to put it. The only spot far enough from the speakers was on the food table, which proved useful in reminding me that I hadn't ate in at least seven hours. Leaving Applejack and making my way there, I saw Spike picking from the selection of foods. I stood next to him and nodded in greeting. I didn't have it in me to shout hello. He simply waved back at me while he stuffed his face with some kind of yellow twigs. I wasn't the best connoisseur on food, human or pony, but the looks of flowers between two slices of bread didn't seem all that appealing. There was a lot of candy and chocolate based products, which, again, weren't really my speed. Spike suddenly offered a handful of the yellow twig-like things to me. "Crispy hay fries!" He shouted, cutting through the blaring music. Bits of hay? Fried? It sounded perfectly average, if plain, so with nothing else to lose, I took them and tried a bite. They weren't the most awful thing in the world. It was just a crispy, dry stick. Somehow I couldn't help but down the rest of the twig, and then go for several more. There was a certain quality about them that made them enjoyable, the brittleness made the crunch all the more satisfying. Spike looked at me, silently asking my opinion on them. I replied back with a thumbs up, I may be returning to them. There was also a bowl of peanuts, recognizable from all of the bar brawls. I grabbed a handful and went back to my spot at the back of the room. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in a handful of salted nuts. I could see Rainbow Dash side by side with the DJ, leading the crowd in a head-banging frenzy. The music was getting to me now, it was removing the final parts of Octavia's piece from my mind, clouding it with rhythmic thumps. I noticed Applejack, and thought about the lack of insobriety I was feeling. I walked up to her and asked between the louder beats, "Is there alcohol in Equestria?" "We don't have much of the fancy stuff in Ponyville, but we got some left-over cider this season!" It wasn't exactly my thing, cider. It's more a drink you enjoy, not force down yourself. I shook my head at her, "Doesn't matter," and walked off. It's probably for the best, I tend to do stupid things when I'm drunk, like continue living. Hell, I do stupid things when I'm not drunk. Resting my back against the wall of the library, an owl suddenly appeared, hovering next to me. Could they talk in Equestria? "Who?" No. Good. I didn't need much more on my overflowing plate. "Who?" But I could see that becoming annoying. Was this one of the party-goers pets? I ignored it and went about trying to block the bass from drilling into my head any further. Over the course of about fifteen minutes, multiple ponies had greeted me and went, one of them was strangely inquisitive about the use of my hands, while others seemed to catch on that I preferred solitude. The music began to die down, and Pink took the table with a microphone. "HEY EVERYPONY! HOW ABOUT THAT?!" She screamed, and the audience went up into another cheer. I was doubting that this was for me anymore, it was just for the sake of partying. Not that I minded, the less attention the better. "But let's remember why we're all here!" Oh, God damn it. I was abruptly locked onto by every member of the party as Pink continued to speak, "Welcome to Equestria, Max!" The whole herd repeated her words, and started another stomping fest. At least we were getting it over with. Someone else had the amazing idea of yelling, "Speech!" from inside the crowd. This attracted mutterings of approval amongst them, before they broke out into another chant. Before I had the chance to refuse and leave then and there, I was unexpectedly floated into the air by the unicorns of the group. The feeling of this magic surrounding me was that of being held up by strings, certain points of my body pulled with more force than the rest. I flew over the heads of the ponies, a bald, dangling and graceless angel gliding towards the table with the DJ equipment and Pink. Rarity and Fluttershy, I saw, had made their may back in now that the music appeared over. I came to an uneasy halt over the table, but was gently lowered down. I was still slightly dizzy, but a microphone was shoved into my hands anyway. The expectant, shining faces of the audience bored into my skull, like they were praising me for existing when all the while I was doing the opposite. "Uh, hello every... pony..." I felt incredibly cheesy just saying it, but the spectators didn't mind. "Thanks for the... welcome... it's definitely been... something..." Pink randomly burst out with, "WOO! SOMETHING!" Which lead to another clamouring of applause before I could resume. "Erm, so yeah, it's a nice town you've got here..." I'll try not to leave it in flames. "... I'll probably see some of you around town... and hopefully we can find out why the hell I'm here," I ended. It wasn't the most memorable, long, nor interesting speech, but it got all my thoughts across more or less. I quickly remembered something that, in the moment, I thought was worth saying, and before handing the microphone back, said, "Oh, and, don't tell anyone outside Ponyville or the princess will imprison you. Or something." Ending on a high note. I think the audience reactions were somewhere between horrified and amused. Before I could get booed off the table for that remark, that was what I expected anyway, Pink took over and pushed the party back on track. "Alright! Prison!" She said, less enthused. The mood changed when Pink picked up Vinyl by the head and sent her spinning another record. I hastily stepped off and went back to the edge of the library. I wondered what the first impressions on me would be after that rousing speech. Deciding against the impending brain damage that staying indoors would cause, I spent the rest of the party outside. The cool, vacant night reflecting over the past harmonies of the day, supplying me with an endless source of tranquillity.