The Flame of my Darkness
I
Where am I?
Lost, trapped within a cycle of my own guilt and sorrow. The more guilty I am the sadder I become, the sadder I become the more guilty I am and the more ashamed I am of myself. I don't live a happy life, not even close. A life spent hiding away within the shadows, hiding from the predators that hunt me down. This isn't the life I want, but it is the life I am born into and that I have to learn to deal with for as long as I live.
I am only a filly, a grey coat and a pale yellow mane, nothing too out of the ordinary, right? But it isn't that they ridicule me for, it is my eyes. My stupid crossed eyes that plague my, acting as a reminder on how much of a failure I am, a reflection off my entire life. They aren't just a social problem, but a nuisance for everyday life. I can't walk without bumping into something, I can barely read, and don't expect me to find you easily.
Despite all those, I can hear. My ears are my guide, it is my only key to the world. I may not be able to read but it doesn't mean I am unintelligent, heck, it is the opposite. I am one of the most intelligent students in my year, all because I can hear everything. My memory is like a bank, storing everything it that enters through the passages in my ear like the greedy tax man with their money. But no body cares that I am smart, because how can all that intelligence help you hen you can't put it into practice?
Police Officer? How can I help citizens when I can't even walk without tripping over my own hooves. Scientist? I won't even be able to tell the difference between two samples placed directly in front of me. Store clerk? Looks like you need to hire a few ponies to reorganize the shelves I've muddled. The list goes on and on and on, never ending like the hole in my heart. Forever alone, humiliated for my flaws and not praised for my successes.
Despite all that though, my life isn't too bad. I have a loving a mother and father who are always at my side when I am at my most vulnerable. I have a pet cat, whose name is Harmonious, who calms me through my struggles and anguish.
Right now, I lay in my head on a pillow on the floor of my room. It is small, only containing a bed and a wardrobe that only stores a single dress that I haven't worn in years. My mind is worn out, tired of the week's hardships I have to go through, and dreading next week's set of challenges. This is the only thing I look forward too in life any more, just shutting myself in my room to think. I don't think of anything specific, just the first thing that surfaces to the forefront of my mind, it helps me ease my psychological wounds that are inflicted by those from my school. Usually Harmonious is with me, but she is sleeping in the other room.
My eyes begin to grow weary, my thoughts becoming more sluggish the longer I rest on the floor. Before I even realize it, I'm asleep. What do I dream about? I don't dream of perfect eye sight, that I can see the world in its fullest. No, if there is ever one thing I want in life, it is a friend. Even just one, and I can die a happy filly. Just a single friend and my soul can rest with no regrets because then I'll know that there is somepony out there who cares about me, the true me.
I wake up within the warm embrace of my blanket. My coat feeling warm and fluffy, relaxed and peaceful within the confinements within my bed. I let out a small smile, sighing contently as I wiggle slightly on the soft and comfort of my bed. Then, a small knock at my door disturbs my slumber.
“Come in,” I softly call.
The doors squeaks open, revealing my mum on the other side of it. She is a Earth pony who wears a grey coat with a long and silky light brown mane that curls around her neck like a snake. Her cutiemark is a mail card with wings. She works at the local post office as a mail mare, and oh how she is the best at it. She is as quick as light, never leaving a single letter, card or package behind. She is so fast that she would have to take half the load of mail from other mail ponies, which I find a bit funny.
“Hello my little muffin,” mother says sweetly, trotting to my bed and nuzzling me on my cheek.
“Hi mum,” I reply, wrapping my legs around her into a hug.
She brings a leg and hooks it around me into a embrace. Her touch is warm and welcoming, but it is the tranquility that comes with it that makes mum special. No matter how enraged or depressed I am, she somehow has the ability to push those that assault my mind to rest.
“You okay?” She asks with a voice as soft as silk, one that conveys their love and care.
“I am, don't need to worry about me.” I happily tell her which puts a smile upon her face.
“I made breakfast, your favourite as well.”
And just like that, my eyes shoot open with the biggest grin on my face. I untangle the blanket around me and jump out of bed. Before I can do something silly like run into the door frame, my mum places a hoof in front of me that makes me realize that I am way too excited and I need to be careful. I sheepishly grin at her before trotting over to my awaiting meal.
The smell hits my nose, making my mouth water. The smell of freshly baked dough, and the silent blueberries that try to hide themselves under that sweet scent. I turn the corner and there it is, on top of the table sits a plate, and on the plate sits a beautiful blueberry muffin. I let go of all my restraints to rush over to it and jump onto the chair, without a single problem, and engulf in mere seconds. The poor but delicious muffin had no chance of survival.
“I am guessing you enjoyed it?” My mum asks from the other side of the room, obviously knowing my answer by asking anyway.
“To say I enjoyed is an understatement. It is absolutely absolutely fantastic!” I answer cheerfully.
“I'm honoured you enjoyed it. I need to head to the shops to be some more food for tonight, you want anything?” She asks.
I don't really need anything, nor do I want anything. Coming to a conclusion I shake my head in response, to which she says her goodbyes and leaves to go out, leaving me at home... alone. Sighing, I slide off my the chair to go into the living. I jump onto the couch, digging my face into the arm rest. I don't like being home alone because it reminds me too much of how little friends I have, but at the same time I am afraid of going outside because of what others may think of me as soon as I do something stupid.
I feel lost sometimes, like I am trapped in a maze and can't get myself out. I am trapped in the darkness because I have no one else to pull me out, because none would care if something happened to me. I know I have my mum, my dad and Harmonious,but what happens when they can't pull me out, what will happen then? I'm afraid. I some times wish to have a friends. Somepony to help me from the darkness, somepony to make me happy when I am sad.
Somepony to tell me where I am.