//------------------------------// // Injury After Breakfast // Story: Killed With Kindness // by Mr. Grimm //------------------------------// Twilight’s eyes fluttered open, as the sun began to climb over the horizon, filling her room with a golden glow. Just like every morning, she had awoken exactly two minutes before her alarm clock went off. As she lay on her pillow, she suddenly recalled having a conversation with a dead pony who’d shown up at her door asking for directions. Twilight, being a pony of logic and reason, immediately took the whole thing for a dream. She knew, after all, that corpses couldn’t return from the dead. Such things were merely superstitions left over from a less-informed age. Twilight rolled over to look at the ticking face of her alarm clock, when a baseball bat suddenly smashed it to bits. The unicorn jumped up in fright as tiny gears and springs flew everywhere. Her head swung over to look at Spike, who clutched the sporting instrument in his claws. Twilight’s surprise suddenly turned to anger. “Wha-” before she could even the first word of what was going to be a long barrage of reproach, the dragon hatchling shot forward and clamped his claw over her mouth. Twilight noticed for the first time that his pupils were pinpricks of fear. “Be quiet!” he hissed, “If you raise your voice you’ll get us killed! Understand?” His unicorn friend nodded slowly. Spike moved his claw away from her mouth, allowing her to ask what had him so spooked. “What’s wrong?” she whispered. She followed Spike’s gaze over to her bedroom door, which was blockaded with her dresser and desk, along with Spike’s basket. “There’s a zombie downstairs…” the dragon said with a shiver. Twilight’s eyes widened as she realized that the eerie dream she’d had was in fact reality. “What’s, uh…what’s he doing?” “He’s…making breakfast.” Twilight was suddenly aware of the wonderful smell of pancakes that hung in the air. She turned back to Spike, trying to find the right way to tell him that she’d agreed to help a corpse find his murderer. “Um…Spike,” she began uneasily, “About the zombie…I kind of let him in.” Spike turned and looked at her with wild eyes. “YOU WHAT?” roared the reptile. Twilight bit her lips as he held up his bat threateningly. “No, you don’t understand--” she began. “Stay away from me!” he screamed, “You’ve been infected, haven’t you?! You let him in because you’re already a zombie! And now you want to turn me into one!” Twilight held out her forelegs reassuringly. “No, no, no!” she cried as she shook her head vigorously, “He doesn’t want to hurt us! He just wants some help!” She grimaced as she saw the dragon narrow his eyes. “Yeah, help turning me into a zombie, I bet!” Spike growled, “Don’t try to fool me you brain-eating scum, I’m on to you!” Twilight faced-hoofed and magicked the bat out of Spikes claws. The dragon fled for the window, leaping into the air in a swan dive. “Geronimo!” he shouted just in time to splat against the glass as Twilight magicked it shut. She then lifted him up via magic as he furiously kicked and clawed in the air. “Listen to me,” Twilight said sternly, “He’s not going to hurt us. His name is Mortimer Spade, and he wants help finding his murderer.” Spike paused in his midair fight long enough to process this information. He then crossed his arms and glared at the unicorn. “I’m not buying it,” he muttered bitterly, “Even if that were true, which it isn’t, why on earth would you even let him into the house? Oh wait, I know, because you’re a zombie!” Twilight let out an exasperated sigh and started pushing the furniture away from the door. Spike’s eyes went wild with panic as he started writhing angrily in a futile effort to escape. In a few minutes Twilight opened the door, and started down the stairs dragging the raging Spike along with her. As she neared the kitchen she heard the sizzle of batter against a frying pan, a sure sign that Spade was making pancakes. She turned a corner and saw something that made her pause. There, in her kitchen, an animated cadaver was setting two large plates of pancakes onto a perfectly set table. “Good morning, Ms. Sparkle,” came the cheery voice of Spade, “I’ve made you and your assistant some breakfast. Please forgive me if I wasn’t supposed to have used the ingredients, I’ll happily buy more.” Twilight looked back at Spike, who looked positively dumbfounded upon hearing Spade speak. “Um…thank you,” said Twilight, “Don’t worry about the ingredients.” “Twilight…” Spike mumbled, his eyes huge and entranced as he watched Spade limp about the kitchen, “The zombie is talking…” The dragon flinched as the creature’s ragged ear turned in his direction. “Revenant, actually,” Spade chimed as he turned off the oven and set the dishes in the sink, “But it’s a common mistake, as we’re both corpses and all.” Spike, not knowing what a revenant was, gave Twilight a questioning look. She shrugged in response, as she was not entirely sure herself. She took a seat, and sat down Spike next to her. The mare let out a sigh of relief as she released her telepathic hold on him. He wasn’t going anywhere, as placed before him was an adequate stack of chocolate chip pancakes. He cast a suspicious glance at Spade, who had just pulled up a chair across from them. “Did you sleep well? I tried my best to keep quiet,” he said as he clasped his knobby hooves together with a faint squelch, “I’m not very well coordinated.” Twilight did her best to smile. It was very hard to do so when she was looking directly into the face of a rotting corpse. Spade, however, seemed to have no trouble whatsoever in smiling. “We’ve never slept so well in our lives,” said Twilight, “Right, Spike?” Spike did not reply, as he was engrossed in eating what were possibly the most delicious pancakes he’d ever tasted. “Wonderful,” said Spade, “I had a nice night as well. By the way, what’s the name of your owl?” Twilight glanced over at the covered cage where her pet slept. “Owlowiscious,” she answered, “Did he, um, behave well?” Twilight knew that animals were keen detectors of the supernatural, and had no idea how Owlowiscious would react to such a thing as a Revenant. “Oh, he was excellent,” Spade said, “He reminds me of the owl that lived in Sunset Cemetery.” The mentioning of the word ‘cemetery’ made Spike jump in seat. Had it not been for the wondrous pancakes, he would had run screaming from the room. Twilight, on the other hand, leaned onto the table. She had agreed to try and help him, and the sooner he told her of his plight, the sooner she could get it over with. “Sunset Cemetery?” she asked, “Is that where you were buried?” Spade’s neck creaked as he shook his head. “Oh no,” answered the colt, “That’s where I worked when I was alive. I was a gravedigger, you know.” Twilight’s smile faltered, even though Spade’s continued to beam as brightly as his rotted teeth would allow. “Ah,” she said, “So, was this a part time job or…?” “Fulltime,” Spade said happily, “I was Sunset’s caretaker.” A wistful look spread across his decomposing features. “I miss it terribly. It was so quiet and peaceful. But it wasn’t as lonely as you’d think it’d be. You’re always meeting new people in my line of work.” Both Spike and Twilight stared at their cadaverous houseguest, though he didn’t seem to notice. “…How do you meet new people in a cemetery?” Spike croaked, his curiosity unable to be deterred by his fear. “Why, through funerals of course,” came the cheerful reply, “They didn’t happen often back in Drowsy Hollow, but when they did there’d always be a lot of mourners going to the burial.” Again, all Twilight and her assistant could do was stare at the revenant’s blatant merriness. “Dude,” muttered Spike, “That’s creepy.” Twilight shot him a glare, but turned back to Spade with a copious grin. “So, Mr. Spade,” she said, “You say you need help finding your, uh, murderer?” “Ah, yes,” the corpse said with a nod, “I’ve been having a bit of trouble remembering exactly what happened. It’s strange really, I can recall most of my life except for the day I was murdered. You’d think you’d remember something like that.” “What was the first thing you remember after it happened?” Twilight asked, her mind open and ready to receive information. Spade’s bloodshot eyes swiveled to look at his right temple as he thought. “I woke up underneath some bushes,” he said, “Sometime after dark, out in the woods on the edge of town. It was chilly, so I decided to go home and go to bed.” “Didn’t you wonder why you were out in the woods at night?” Twilight asked as she raised an eyebrow. “I’m a long-distance sleepwalker,” Spade said sheepishly, “So I wasn’t entirely surprised. But when I got back to town I saw Mrs. Green sitting on her porch. She’s a very nice mare, so I stopped in the street to say hello. At first she was glad to see me, and asked where I’d been all week.” “You mean you’d been missing?” asked Twilight. “I guess I must have been,” Spade said with a shrug, “But I didn’t know it at the time. I got closer to ask what she meant by that, when she started screaming. I asked her what I’d done wrong, and she pointed at my back, where I found this.” Spike jolted again as Spade placed the gleaming dagger on the table. Twilight reached over and clamped a hoof on his shoulder to keep the dragon in his seat. The unicorn stared at the blade, which must have been cleaned shortly after doing the grisly deed, as it was completely spotless. “What did you do then?” asked the unicorn. “Well, I didn’t really know what to do with myself, being dead and everything,” answered Spade, “So I decided to return the blade to the murderer. I felt rather bad about keeping it from them, as it is a very nice knife. I’ve been searching ever since.” “How long ago was this?” “About three years,” said the corpse, “You know, I feel bad that I still haven’t returned the dagger, but at the same time it’s nice to get around and see so much of the world.” He looked down and saw that the two had finished their pancakes. “Oh, did you want any more?” Spike opened his mouth to accept the offer, but before he could get any words out Twilight answered for him. “No thank you,” she said politely. “Okay then,” Spade said as he unsteadily rose from his seat, “I’ll start doing the dishes.” “Oh, you don’t really have to,” Twilight said as she got up herself, “You are a guest, after all.” Somehow it was still hard to accept the fact that she was saying this to a badly decayed cadaver. “Oh no, I insist,” said Spade as he picked up their dishes, “It’s really no bother. It feels nice to be useful after traveling for so long.” As he stumbled over the sink, Spade’s left leg suddenly gave out with a loud crack that made Twilight’s stomach turn. The unicorn rushed forward as the ghoulish Samaritan toppled onto the floor. “Don’t worry,” called out the fallen revenant, “I managed to save the dishes.” Twilight was more concerned with the fact that his leg was now only hanging by a piece of palled skin. The unicorn squeamishly averted her eyes from the brownish-red muscle and yellow bone that was now exposed. Spike stood nearby, equally disgusted yet too horrified to look away. “M-Mr. Spade,” sputtered Twilight, “Your leg…” “Hm?” The cadaver looked down to see that his limb was almost completely severed. “Oh. Well that’s a shame, isn’t it?”