1-Hello My Name Is Seven (edited)
Equestria Labs
404 years ago
“Subject is stable her heart rate is normal," I heard a female voice said my body was unresponsive but I could still hear the voices as I heard the clatter of glasses as they collected something.
“You better hope this works Twilight the Equestrian Army can’t hold off the advancing Zebra troops for much longer,” a raspy tomboyish voice said in an annoyed tone.
“I know it will work Rainbow Dash,” the other voice said with confidence, “Moondancer start the injections.”
As soon as she said that I was felt sixty needles enter my skin, the pain was so intense my body began shaking then stopped, my conscience faded the last thing I heard. “Subject is going into cardiac arrest Moond…!” with that I lost consciousness.
When I came too I was in a white room surrounded by three ponies in what appeared to be hazmat suits, I tried to move but found I was strapped down. “Interesting subject Seven seems to still be alive and seems unaffected by the extreme radiation exposure she was subjected to," one said looking at what appears to be a clicking box, "Hmm It seems the serum seems to may have modified her body to be nearly immune to radiation, Moondancer write down that the serum may make a pony resistant to radiation.” one said to another who was using magic to jot down notes, “Now time to move onto the next subject.”
When that pony said that the third pony injected me with something and I fell back asleep, the next two years I was subjected to horrible tests that would have killed a normal pony, each time I ‘died’ I somehow been changed to become really resistant to whatever killed me. Surprisingly me ‘dying’ didn’t phase me in any noticeable way until test 777 took place. The test was to see if I could survive a Balefire Bomb detonation at close range.
The test started just like the rest with me being heavily sedated and strapped down by an angry pegasus mare in a hazmat suit. “This is the last test before you will be turned into a weapon against those who oppose The Eternal Trinity,” The mare whispered to me before she walked away, my drugged mind unable to comprehend what she said until the reinforced magic shielded steel door slammed shut and a countdown commenced. My body was still paralyzed by the drugs but in my mind I was screaming in terror as I was blinded the bright green light of the Balefire bomb detonation.
When my vision returned I was running down a hallway I didn’t know how I got here and why I was running but that didn’t stop me till I saw a room, I quickly entered it and slammed the door shut turning around and saw that I was in a locker room.
Looking around until I located a mirror which, I quickly looked in the mirror to see what I look like to see if those experiments made me look any different, but to my surprise, I still looked the same. Same long crimson hair, same bright red eyes, and same dark pink coat. Letting out a sigh of relief I began looking around at the lockers then an idea came to mind, if I dress up as one of the guards I could escape. Quickly I ran over to a locker and opened it to find a red jacket with black stripes I quickly grabbed it and put it on, as soon as I had it on the locker room door was kicked in by a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane, she was wearing a soldier’s uniform upon seeing me she tried to fire her rifle, but I was on her before she could pull the trigger. I proceeded to slam my hoof into her, sending her through the wall behind her and I turned and ran off without even stopping to see if she was okay I continued down the hall then everything went white.
When my vision came back I was outside I felt something like liquid on my hooves looking down I saw they were covered in blood seeing this I screamed in horror…
A Stable?
Present
My eyes snapped open the first thing that I noticed is that my body felt freezing cold, the second is that I was in what looked like a high tech freezer that had a dim light bulb. “Where the hell am I?” I asked out loud as I tried to find a way to open the door so I could get out. I managed to find a window and I looked through it what I saw confused me the hallway seemed to be semi- flooded with water and I do believe I saw something swimming around out there. Great so I am in a freezer in what I think is a underwater base how wonderful and something is out there could anything be worse, I thought angrily as I continued to look for a way out.
I was about to give up when I heard gunshots then an ungodly scream followed by the door to the freezer opening and a dark purple mare in a red jumpsuit with a silver mane who used her magic to pulled me out of my cold cell. “Hey are you okay?” The mare asked I shook my head yes,”Good because we need to get out of here quickly.” She said as she handed me a saddle bag that has the number seven stitched on it in red letters. After making sure I strapped it on she led the way through the freezing water lighting the way with her horn. Half way down the hall I heard a bunch of clicks followed by something jumping out of the water hitting the unicorn knocking her into the water followed by the light going out.
The next thing I know we are outside laying in the snow soaking wet. “What the hell was that Seven?” The unicorn mare asked in shock as her horn glowed and dried off the both of us.
“I don’t know what you are talking about Last thing I remember is you getting knocked out and the light going out,” I said in confusion blowing my dark red hair out of my face.
“Yeah and when I came to your hooves were surrounded by green magic that was shaped like dragon claws which you used to tear that crab creature in half, I heard that they used you as a test subject but I thought that was a myth,” The mare said as she tied her long silver mane into a ponytail, ”Oh yeah my name is Fix It the mechanic of that instillation we just escaped nice to meet you can you tell me your name so I can stop calling you Number Seven.”
“My name is Seven it is the only thing i was ever called,” I said with a content smile.
“Seriously you were never given a new name by the Forgotten Knights, that's a rip they usually rename their Knights,” Fix It said then she put her hoof to her chin then she exclaimed, "I got it! You will be called Green Claws!”
“No I like Seven it is the name I have had for years.”
“Okay fine now can you answer my question about what happened down there?”
“I don’t know this is the first time I heard about that so your guess is as good as mine,” I said staring at the snow thinking about why it was grey instead of it’s fresh white color. “Hey I have a question, where are we?”
“Uh if memory serves me correctly we are two hundred kilometers away from the Crystal Empire which is southward and four hundred kilometers away from Yakyakistan west of here,” Fix It informed as she stood up. "Well let’s get moving toward the Crystal Empire because we have a very long walk till we get there.” She said as she began walking
“Okay Fix lead the way,” I said as I stood up and followed after her towards the Crystal Empire.
End of chapter one
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Okay i have noticed a lot of dislikes but no one has told me why they dislike it, is it Seven or is it the past bits with twilight acting like a mad scientist or is it the fact no one actually read the story and disliked it becuase it wasn't like the original
7329415
FO:E stories usually just gets dislikes from trolls, just ignored it.
7330129
Okay thats good to know
Huh... I think I'm gonna comment on this fic when I get home from work.
The following text is rated "S" for "Sarcasm".
Don't be offended, please, it's just my natural reaction when I see some (il)logical leaps like these.
>“You better hope this works Twilight the Equestrian Army can’t hold off the advancing Zebra troops for much longer,
I think you're out of corn flakes, 'cause you've ate up all the commas. It's fine, all of us got our weird habits.
also:
Oh, yeah, I know it will work says Twilight that was working on the alicorn project approximately at the same time. Why did she even need RD on the site of operation? She's an egghead, and RD is one of the top fighters that should be doing stuff... well, I guess she could be here, but it still looks a bit weird to me.
>my conscience faded the last thing I heard. “Subject is deceased Moond…” with that I lost consciousness.
That "Subject is deceased" is kinda illogical since even in some kind of research facility there is supposed to be medical equipment, probably advanced one. Thus, the subject is supposed to be revived and there wasn't even a try of doing such a thing. Why?
>“Interesting subject Seven seems to still be alive and seems unaffected by the extreme radiation exposure she was subjected to, It seems the serum seems to have modified her body to be nearly immune to radiation, interesting
So, nearly immune or immune? Seems or unaffected? Aren't they supposed to study it, measure the rads and stuff before making further conclusions?
Also: Interesting-interesting. It's called tautology, I believe.
>Moondancer write down that the serum can make a pony resistant to radiation.
Uh-huh. How many unsuccessful subjects were here before? You're gonna need a series of experiments and only when you develop a constant result you sould make such conclusions...
>the next two years I was subjected to horrible tests that would have killed a normal pony,
How did he measured time? If he blacked out and had no ability to check up on calendar or something he would not even know it blackouts could've lasted for days.
>When my vision returned I was running down a hallway I didn’t know how I got here and why I was running but I didn’t stop till I saw a room, I quickly entered it and slammed the door shut I turned around and saw I was in a locker room. I looked around until I located a mirror which is odd since it was a locker room, I quickly looked in the mirror to see what I look like to see if those experiments made me look any different but to my surprise I still looked the same.
I.I.I.I-I-I-I... too much of it even for English language.
>a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane she was wearing a soldier’s uniform upon seeing me she tried to fire her rifle but I was on her before she could pull the trigger.
So, he managed to startle a RD, one of the top fighters in the whole pegasi race? Riiight... nice reflexes.
>I was about to give up when I heard gunshots then an ungodly scream followed by the door to the freezer opening and a dark purple mare in a red jumpsuit with a silver mane who used her magic to pulled me out of my cold cell. “Hey Number seven are you okay?”
Hey, dude, I know we haven't seen eye to eye since four hundred years have passed and you're some kind of freakish moster that's supposed to be in the contamination chamber but I wanted to check up on you 'cause you're nice.
...really? Unless she's got a weird kink it's strange. Or maybe she's got a deathwish, that I could understand.
>“Yeah and when I came to your hooves were surrounded by green magic that was shaped like dragon claws which you used to tear that crab creature in half, I heard that they used you as a test subject but I thought that was a myth,” The mare said as she tied her long silver mane into a ponytail, ”Oh yeah my name is Fix It the mechanic of that instillation we just escaped nice to meet you can you tell me your name so I can stop calling you Number 7.”
Oh, yeah, I thought you're just a pony they've been experimenting on for several years and it seems you're nice and stuff and even if I am supposed to be scared shitless because you're changeling ot just weird and you've got blackouts I will not.
...jeez, I think that mare a couple of apples short of bushel. That could explain it.
>“My name is Seven it is the only thing i was ever called,” I said with a content smile.
“Seriously you were never given a new name by the Forgotten Knights, that's a rip they usually rename their Knights,” Fix It said then she put her hoof to her chin then she exclaimed, "I got it! You will be called Green Claws!”
“No I like Seven it is the name I have had for years.”
'cause, you know, I'm a masochist and I've been tortured for years and I kinda got addicted to that name and all of the memories it brings every time I hear it. PTSD is an unknown thing here, yes? Also, I'm so smart and in lack of fucks that I will not even ask you what those Furgotten Knights are and you will not tell me, 'cause, you know, I'm the test subkect and I'm supposed to know EVERYTHING.
>“Okay fine now can you answer my question about what happened down there?”
'cause, you know, I found you in a freezer and you're totally supposed to know what the hell is happened here even if I'm a technician and I could've at least try to hack a terminal or something!
Ironically, overall I find the quality of text rather nice, it's smooth, ad if one will remove logical errors that seems even fine.
BUT! The main hero with amnesia(okay), victim of the secret project(all right) that got better reflexes than fastest pony in Equestria(err...) aand managed to rip apart some mutated crab with his BEAR HANDS(or, well, dragon claws, duh).
For now both of heroes seems rather forced and illogical, sometimes even dumb. I don't want an edgy story about "CRAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIN" of course, but... they're both bland. Like porridge that managed to turn itself into two ponies. I would've called the mane character Mary Sue, but MS are stories, not characters. At the current moment I'm gonna withold my judgement and gonna wait for the next chapter.
7331105
Thank you so much for your input and I find what you said to be helpful. now I will explain some things.
Twilight begins the Alicorn project shortly after this project fails. the Rd here is also called the pegasus with a bad attitude in the story and is the one who said the Chrysalis bit so this RD is not really RD. but I do understand that this is not obvious
also the Alicorn Project becomes important later
that I understand
Seven has her eyes closed so the mentioning of equipment with out them being mentioned in sentences will make no sense, but the way I wrote that scene does make next to no sense.
This is an observation of effects the experiments have on the subjects, this is but one of like thirty subjects.
Seven learned this when she joined the Forgotten Knights, but I realize know I should've added a scene to explain how she knew this.
Fix it was in a thing similar to what Seven was found in. Fix It isn't completely there which is a point I try to make with her simply trusting Seven and doesn't seems to be phased by what she can do.
her name is still seven because she disliked the name Fix It came up with. As for the Forgotten Knights I was planning on explaining them in the next chapter because it is mostly them walking toward the Crystal Empire.(I also forgot about them I was really tired when I wrote that section}
She isn't the most logical of ponies and simply didn't try to hack a terminal that she had the password for to begin with.
thank you I think.
the main hero doesn't have complete amnesia just some blank spots she doesn't remember fully. She doesn't have faster reflexes from the experiment she is naturally almost the same speed as Rainbow but Rainbow is still faster and was only caught off guard. now the claws thing it these are made entirely out of magic and said magic is actually one of the main conflicts of the story.
I can see how it is that these two seemed forced, illogical, and even dumb but this is the first chapter and I will admit the character of Fix It was made out of thin air and I am experimenting with her, as for Seven she does have some issues and is very far from perfect as her memories start come back in their entirety .
as for an edgey story I am still not sure if it will be or not.
Got it.
(damn, I completely forgot the quote tag)
He/She could feel the cold of metal, hear the clicking of Graves counter(I call standalone radmeter by that name) and stuff like that. Ponies have FIVE senses and Sight is only one of them.
I'd still rephrase it somehow, make it sound more...scienc-y.
That's be a good idea.
She could make up her own. Also, it's a she, huh... shipping intensifies!)
Absent-minded, huh...
Oh, right, that was not a Sarcasm, if you wondered. I've seen a lot worse. The flow of text is nice but it feels kinda forced... I'd add a little bit more on descriptions or something, I think. Everything happens too fast and there are not enough words for the proper chapter as I see it. I will not criticise this style of writing, though.
Ah, I understand, blackouts of sorts. Being that fast, though... it does not seems really nice for now since we have not seen her weak sides.
We will see.
If you want you could PM me for, I dunno, some questions or opinions. I may not be available as a prereader(maybe), but, at the same time, I think I could give some word of advice if it suits you.
7331760
If you don't mind doing that for me that would be great I really need some help so I can make the story better and to get some advice would be helpful.
She eventually does change her name
I don't. I will not promise, though, that will answer right away. If you have and are willing maybe we could share other contact information for an online chat, skype, discord, whatever. Or we could just use the PM, whatever floats your boat.
I think you have a good foundation for a story here, but there are some grammar issues that threw me off as a reader. Fix them and you should be good to go.
7334095
Thanks will get to work on that soon