Seventy-five years have past since the war ended, and ponykind clings to what little order there still is. Two years ago, for a pony known as the Bloody Angel has brought terror into the wasteland. Now, my father's past has made me a target.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Interesting start, I'll keep an eye on this one.
Well shit. Even though this story has a crappy front page, it makes up in the story itself. I still think Dead Hooves is an unoriginal name, but it at least makes sense in the most part, compared to other stories involving overrated names. The writing itself flows decently well. I haven't really scratched my head for the most part. Only complaint I have is the ignorance of the protagonist. He hears the raider say to knock him out, so why doesn't he do anything to defend himself?
Other than that, you've captured my interest. 7/10 so far.
7289448 I did reduce it a bit, but still kept some of course. Hopefully that's a little better.
7289170 I have a friend making cover art for me so hopefully that will make this front page a little more tolerable for your liking.
Since the chapter wouldn't name itself will I do it for it, naming it Ajax! So lets read Ajax and write some comments on it!
First of all, why would the steel rangers allow a member to leave their order just like that. Secondly, why the fudge would they allow an outsider/new blood to take a power armour with them! That would be like joining the army, get a kid and drive home in a tank after you give your resignation.
That… that is a really faulty design, especially when you look at how animals move. I mean take a look at this. This is how a horse, and how all four legged animals move in general. If you moved both legs at one side, while the others still were on the ground, would you fuck your center of mass and tumble over. pair movement like what you are talking about only works in gallop when all four legs are off the ground... nerd rant over.
So... Ajax was not long lived for me. It was a few dry exposition filled spasms of a still birth before it died in my lap, which is sad since more wasteland stories could use characters with disabilities. Its just too bad that almost always when a disability is introduced are a magical solution to the disability presented the exact same moment, but hey at least was it not cybernetics this time around!
What killed this story for me was how much exposition we get at the beginning. It seems like we would go in media res, with Ajax armour being busted, us getting a "woe is me" intro and seeing how shit hits the fan for the handicapped that would show us how they can be handicapble without their nice shiny help supplies. Beside, not only was it dry exposition, it was unneeded exposition. There is a saying in literature that says "Show, don't tell" Don't tell us that the spine is twisted, show us by having Ajax see a reflection of his back in the armour he is fixing as he pulls himself trough the dirt of his work area. Don't tell us all the info about the dad, lets see a old picture of the dad, lets see the dads cutiemark on the armour, the only area polished to a shine and painted, lets feel the loss for the dad instead of being told ohh how sad it is.
Nitpicks:
" I was getting sick and constantly having to fix the damn thing." of
" it was miracle." missing an a here
"The names Dead Hooves, and yes, that is my real name. When I was born my spine had twisted strange and I ended up having the entire lower half of my body paralyzed" Driest piece of exposition that I have ever seen in a FoE story, and who present themselves like that in real life?
"He never told me the real reason he left the Steel Rangers," consistency is key, either write it in all lower case as you have the other times, or with capital letters, not both.
" so he decided to take his piece of power armor he had kept from his time as a Steel Ranger and tampered." Seems like you are missing a few words here.
" He gave it to me for fifteenth birthday," missing a my