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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A good start to your story, I like the way you show the normal life of an enclave citizen before the clouds were lifted. I do have a problem with how the description of your story kind of sounds too slimier to other enclave stories, but this one does try to make itself by makinf=g it's character a normal citizen and a teenage at that so I will continue reading.
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Thanks for taking a look at it! Yeah, it does feel a bit like other 'Enclave in the wastes' fics, but I wanted it too right off the bat. From there, it's going to be a diverse and interesting adventure though, so I hope you enjoy it!
And so begins a new tale. The characters introduced are both memorable, and plenty. Night Flight has his positives and negatives, which will be nice as we see him grow. I'm exited to see who the core cast will be, but so far so fun.
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
I cant wait to read more of this, also i dont know if "Rosie" was a bioshock reference or not, either way a great start to a hopefully great story.
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Rosie was not a bioshock reference, but I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far! I do have Bioshock references around in my other stories, and I do have plans to have some in here! I love sticking references into my stories, though they've gotten a bit more subtle than when I started writing three years ago...
6854524 oh well. Im glad you are still writing. It was realy funny imagining a big daddy fighting a foal.
Now I'm interested
Well uh, R.I.P. Salt, was hoping he was gonna be another main character. Though I do like The Captain and the other characters introduced.
He should try to disabuse the notion that he partook in the fight on purpose as quickly as he can. No reason to make enemies so soon.
Advise on the character picture, instead of linking it as a picture, link it as a hotlink instead. Example [ url=https://i.imgur.com/qCRaeWf.png]Picture of the cast Just remove the first space in the bracket and you should be good to go
So back to our scheduled REVIEW TIME! When we last left our feminine stallion had he just lost the rest of his world, lets see how he react to that!
So I know that people react very differently when they go into chock, I myself does sadly have differences with it, but this first segment of the story, all the guilt, all of the shame, all of the feelings, compared to the last one that was so grey as the Wasteland sky... Its quite the whiplash going from two opposites with the turn of a single page... figuratively. I would say either tone it down, either by making it longer so there are a proper build up, him breaking out of his shell in his own pace, or go back to the earlier chapter and give him a bit more feelings.
Normally would this be a nitpick, but this is about tone, so worth taking up here. Let me point to a sentence: "was the smell of fresh flowers." For a pony that have never even dared to look under the sky before now is it surprising for me that he know what flowers is. If you really want him to be a fish out of water could you make it into a question, "Wait... is that how fresh flowers smell?", him knowing what flowers is, but this being the first time that he encounters actual fresh ones. He was amazed by seeing trees for the first time, let some amazement drip into his life as he is chained up to a bed, and you get a deeper story without much work.
I know that this is really going to be a harsh round... But here we go again:
This right here... this broke my suspension of disbelief. A pegasus, nay a wastelander that ain't a stablepony asking what the cloud layer are, and then a doctor answering matter-o-factly instead of reacting as if they just had been asked what water is and if it is safe. I get where you were going, but this was simply so clunky made that it pulled me out of the story completely.
You said earlier that you experimented a lot, that you had a lot hit and miss experiences with your story, my advice to you is to experiment when you are a bit more experienced, because without a proper foundation for your story will every hit you make be overshadowed by your misses.
We do all have our personal strengths and weaknesses, I would not be able to write a story to save my life, and I have a severe case of word diarrhoea whenever I try to describe something, but as you can see from my nitpick comments do I seem to be able to catch a lot of smaller things that others overlook.
I know from my own experiences how much one can learn about writing in a single year, look at some of my older blogs for example and cringe at my bad English, so please do remember that when I write all of this do I not review where you are today, but where you were over 2 years ago. I do not know how much you have improved since then, but I hope that you will go back, reworking your story, to show new readers how you have improved from when you started this story to now.
"we’re close to three hundred miles from where we picked you up." I don't know where you came up with this number, but sorry I am goring to call horse apples on this. Humans are one of the most enduring species on earth, and humans have even won against horses in multiple races since we simply have more stamina than any other animal on the planet. Using this logic can a human walk around 30 miles a day, and that is without carrying a load weighing about the same weight as the carrier. I get that you are trying to imply the impossibility of saving Salt, but moving 300 miles on foot in 4 days. EDIT: Okay I can see that it didn't take them 4 days to get to where they are now, but lets say that our main character was unconscious for 14 days, we are friendly and say that they walk with human speed after all, that main character be brain dead.
"I felt the air behind me shift, and by the time I looked back, one of his massive claws hooked under the ropes binding my wings and snapped them like they were plastic." Linky as to why you don't do that
I know that it ain't really encouraging news, but while I normally treat stories to the old 3 chapter rule did I really not feel it and had to give up after that segment. As said before, maybe a bit harsh, but to be honest do I not have any interest in reading where you were 2 years ago, and while now is properly better are there so many other stories out there that start out way way stronger from page one, and I do not wish to read trough what there equals as the first 4 Harry Potter books to reach where you are today.
Again, I know that I am harsh, but I hope that you see my words for their honesty and that I have tried to make all of my critique in a constructive manner. I really hope that you go back and polish this story up, because it is clear that you have put a lot of time and energy into it.
Nitpicks:
"The only pony who didn’t, was Salt." Remove the comma, there are no need for it.
"The sirens were glowing louder" Wrong word you have here, "roaring" would fit in nicely
“Dad… why?” I am pretty sure that ellipses counts as a period, at least in this sentence, so the why should be with capital.
"was the smell of fresh flowers." For a pony that have never even dared to look under the sky before now is it surprising for me that he know what flowers is. If you really want him to be a fish out of water could you make it into a question, "Wait... is that how fresh flowers smell?"
"It was about then that my head started the pound like it was being assaulted from the anti-dragon cannons that the Enclave forces practiced with at the Neighvarro airbase." Four things in one sentence, it should be to instead of the, your practised is with c instead of s, and this is a rather long sentence, see if you can break it up a little bit, ohh and you have a double space hiding as well in your sentence. There is an easy trick to get rid of all double spaces, do a Crtl+F, that will bring up the search function, then make a double space, and voila, you find all of those double spaces we all make trough the editing phase.
" I was scared for my life right now" Should be in past tense, and honestly is it easy to see that they were scarred. I would put focus on how they thought that they would fail their mission instead, the grief of just surviving the explosion, just to die on a metal bed.
"The doctor asked with a tone that felt to me like he’d never even heard of the place." Show don't tell. Make the big stallion move around, clearly confused, make a long break in the talk, were we without the blindfold would I say raise an eyebrow and look at the mare, but we can't do that this time around. But yea, show don't tell.
"If there had been an issue with it, then they would have payed attention to it! " clunky sentence that could be worded much better.
"trying to make sense of why this all had to happen" Try "all of this" instead
" That’s it! I’m just going to break down and wait to wake up from this nightmare. Nothing in the world made sense anymore, and I was just outright done trying to figure it out." All present tense in a past tense story.
"“I don’t have any bits, but I’d be glad to help out until I get back to my home.”" Don't know if it was a mistake to use bits instead of caps, or a mistake that there was no reaction on the mention of pre-war money.
Well, that's completely fucking horrifying.
Here i was hoping the story would be a couple story, not just Night.
No, I can't enjoy it. An intriguing story, an interesting character, a new time. But the idiocy and incompetence infuriates me. Pit fight, quite organized, rates, rules, voluntarily, forcibly, randomly, challenge. Case like here is not possible.
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You seem nice, could I talk to you?