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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It's a short chapter, but it has a decent hook. This has some nice flavor, though it seems a little bit 'gamey'. Some people like that, but it can be jarring. Still, you have some grasp of making fun characters and scenes. Have you played the old games, because while 13 is an unlucky number, it is the vault from the old games so there are expectations to be had.
Anyway, this was a fun little chapter and I look forward to seeing more.
6796544 Thank you, first off, for the comment and critique!
I understand the 'gamey' element to this story is noticeable. Though I tried to emphasize the story I wanted to tell over the game that inspired it, I may have gained a bad influence from Fallout 2 and all its fourth wall breaks. Forming this story's identity separate from the inspirations will be my primary challenge these beginning chapters.
I can see where you are coming from with the use of '13' for the stable. Such expectations are justified, I think. The story I have in mind plays more on the world of the first two Fallouts and their themes than the Bethesda titles. I will keep those expectations in mind, regardless, as I revise the next chapters.
6796544 Well there is a contradiction in your response. Kkat's story may be based upon the Fallout universe, but she created an entire universe by her own imagination. The Fallout: Equestria story will always be the canon story that writer need to take note of when writing their piece, for obvious reasons. The previous games of the Fallout franchise have nothing to do with the FO:E universe, therefore Amateur is allowed to make Vault 13 in any way he/she wants it to be.
6799579 Anything is fine in writing. There are no rules. They can defy FOE's canon, they can defy fallout, they can defy my little pony, and if it is interesting, then it is worthy of praise. However, being good is sadly not the only way that a story is evaluated. When publishing stories, they will be subject to the audience that reads them, and if popularity is the goal, then understanding people's expectations should be taken into account of things. Just as you expect that any FOE story respect Kkat's canon "for obvious reasons", those who have spent a lot of time with the old fallout games and have strong established feelings about places correlative to Vault 13, we will have expectations about how things unfold. The author can do what ever they like, but they should take consideration of expectations of the audience when playing the game of popularity.
If you want to continue this discussion, I would say handle it in pm. We should be respectful of the author.
A skyline of mutilated towers stood out to the east. Likely the ruins of a pre–war city. Encompassing half of the skyline beyond the city was a cloud wall black as coal, which lit up with frequent streaks of lightning. Out to the south, I spotted another city, one atop a hill. Further west were mountains high enough to pierce the cloud cover.
Nice description of the area. Very reminiscent of FO3's beginning, for obvious reasons.
With how scared the outside pony was, I figured it would be in good spirit to offer a smile. Somehow, that only made the stranger shake and slowly backpedal. Before I even noticed the gun in her mouth, I began speaking to her, “Why hello there––”
––then the revolver suddenly kicked back into my teeth. Having forgotten to steady my own weapon, I took the full brunt of the recoil into my noggin. My tongue had pulled the trigger on an impulse. Now was really not the time for amateur mistakes!
"Oops."
Very sharp, very sudden. A very interesting and notable character establishing moment.
Seeing the other pony’s body stumble and fall, dead on the spot, gave me a chilling sensation as though this display foreshadowed my own impending death. It helped little that she looked so much like myself.
Very nice writing there.
The one time I make a clean shot, it kills the mare from… Stable 13? The ‘Stable Dweller’ I shot, an earth pony, wore an armored jumpsuit labeled ‘13’ and armored saddlebags; the first broadcasts did mention a Stable 2, not a 13. So this pony was not her.
An interesting, roundabout way of telling the audience that Comet is an earth pony.
PipBucks were the gamebreaker in the struggle of Wasteland life.
That's a very distinct juxtaposition between the opening commentary Littlepip has about her own Pipbuck, even better establishing the difference between Comet and Littlepip.
I knew next to nothing about what the colors meant, but if I heard more I could discern who the party was.
When in doubt, fake it til you make it. Or, in this case, bluff your flank off until you figure it out.
“Hold up. There’s somebody in there.”
Oh snap, somepony with a Pipbuck who isn't a Stable pony?
“Look. Green glow in that window.” The PipBuck! I forgot to turn it off!
Aww.
Now I had them. I was the Stable Dweller, and I commanded respect… and payment. “You’re not asking me for company… uh…”
Another interesting comparison between the real Stable Dweller and Comet.
Thankfully, no one could tell from a first glance when a pony has no clue which end the bullet comes out of.
A bit of inconsistency between this and the earlier section about Comet carefully putting her gun down after shooting the poor faux Stable dweller. Comet's clearly handled (hoofled? No?) guns before, and even used them... even if she never hit anything that's not smiling at her.
“I can’t believe a stable pony is extorting money from me… Alright. Deal.”
My thoughts exactly.
Perks
Others are more likely to hand you errands… I mean quests.
Hell yeah, fetch quests. Everyone loves a good fetch quest, right?
The one thing that stuck out to me, is that Stable should be capitalized.
Comet is a fascinating, very distinct character who is both very different from the normal character, and a case of a protagonist who isn't edgy or evil, but is definitely not a nice pony.
this is pretty awesome! keep up the good work! its amazing
I liked how this opened up much like Fallout 3 as I got pleasant nostalgia shivers. I got a bit confused when Comet shot the stable-dweller from 13, and had to re-read it a couple times, and honestly I thought it was a nice twist -- though I felt sorry for Eiffel. Likewise I like the premise of Comet, whom seems to be a mare that is geared more for deception and has a silver tongue, almost like the "non-violent" play-through games that rely on Speech and Barter to complete the game; which has me intrigued to see where this goes. At the same time my head spins with how many ways this masquerade can potentially blow up in Comet's face. Though I am wondering -- and this is likely something that is answered in later chapters -- how Comet managed for so long in the wasteland.
The only real errors I saw were a few missing words that made some sentences a bit wonky, but everything else is stellar. Descriptions are straight and to the point, though it would be nice to see a few more specific flares; a pre-war poster or advertisement, like many of the things you would find in the world to give it a little more life. They're fine as is for getting the job done.
This has earned an avid reader from me. Well done and I'm excited to see where this goes!
Really good beginning, so much can spring from there. The plot twist was great. Comet is an interesting character and just is your version of the wasteland. I'm looking forward to the next chapters
One thing though, ponies usual use "somepony" instead of "somebody".
Took me some time to get around to starting your story, but this was a great opening! I love when characters can skillfully talk themselves in and out of situations, and I'm intrigued to see just how Comet will manage being "the Stable Dweller."
Heya! Sorry it took me so long to get back to providing some feedback. Firstly, I really enjoyed the chapter. The bait-and-switch opening was great, and I commend your creativity. In regards to the 'gamey' aspects, I respect their creative implementation. There's an odd sort of stigma in most western literature against playing with the medium. So many think that if the story in question can't make all of its impact through a standardized format, it somehow falls short. I've never understood that viewpoint; creative experimentation doesn't always work, but when it does (as it does so here), it can lead to a lot of fun avenues. I'd say paint the medium as much as you wish.
Welp time to see what this story is all about. nyxOs spoke highly of it, and I had plans to go look at it anyway with it being part of Project Revival so lets see if a new wave of feedback can't get the wheels rolling once again!
So done with the first segment of the story, and I must say that was a very skillfully made intro! Not only do you get us hooked in the first line of the chapter, you explain what the plot is in one of the most natural ways that I have ever seen, bravo! Then do you go on and explain how the main character looks in one of the most natural flowing ways that I have seen so far. Normally would I moan and groan at the lack of an prologue chapter to introduce us to the setting, because that is the only area where I accept info dumping and hate later exposition, but seeing how smooth that start is do I have high hopes for how the story will be told already!
… SQUEE! JUST SQUEE! I won't go into details because it would spoil too much, but I have been looking for a story to do what you just did in the start of the second segment for ages! You had my curiosity, but you have my attention now! Instant fav!
Nitpicks:
This is the area where my work damaged editor brain points out small typos and such that slipped trough and got published.
" Just the thoughts of what it could for me made me skip on the trail back down." pretty sure it is missing a "do"
" With a luscious voice that mesmerizing to listen to" missing a was