Family? Friends? Country? Updraft, an Enclave officer undercover in the Wasteland, is forced to rethink his relationships with his old life and his new. And what will he do if the fates of ponies rest on his decision? Will he choose wisely?
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Interesting idea. I so used to the idea of Enclave pony in the wasteland ponies being those who've gone rogue, that the idea of having Enclave approved embedded agents is actually quite fresh. Although, having the Enclave investigating for cooperation purposes does raise questions has to how it would reconcile with the Operation Cauterize unless A) This is an AU which a different Enclave, B) It's set during a time when the Enclave were less genocidal, or C) the General is lying through his teeth to get Updraft to sign on. My bet's on C).
A bit of structural advise which you can take or leave. In the very first paragraph, seven out of ten sentences start with 'I'. This is super repetitive and I have to say nearly put me off continuing. So maybe keep that in mind progressing. Another thing is that sentences are very clipped. The description of the knife near the end is an example, you use three short sentences where one would do. Though I'll keep in mind this may have been an aesthetic choice on your part to show rigidness of being a soldier, but to me it just came off as awkward.
Now we haven't seen the strongest definition of personality from Dust Cloud yet, though I was always in the minority of putting the setting above the main cast. Others might take issue with this though, which is why I'm pointing it out.
Still, you've got my attention. We'll see if my interest is held.
Not bad for a first chapter, actually. I'm interested in seeing where this might go. There's a lot of possibilities with having an embedded agent working for the Enclave going down to the Wasteland. I still wouldn't dare send him down if his weapon marksmanship really is that bad, though; operatives need to be able to defend themselves properly.
Not bad, but not exceptionally good either. I get that first first chapthers, not really a prologue in my eyes, are info dumps. But literary sitng us down for an info dump... yea no. It would have worked better with him.looking back on it all, descriping how his world view got shattered in 5min flat as he was shown the truth and the cloudcover pulled from his eyes. Another thing is that we now know a lot about the setting, stuff from the original so nothing new, but know next to nothing about our main char beside he comes from a good breed, gambles and is a lousy shot. That says nothing about his character, and beside the rule breaking gambling was it all told to us and not shown. Exposition is needed, but not for all of this.
All in all would I rather have skipped this and gone in media res, us the readers learning this little info we got in our 3k words by reading between the lines and figuring stuff out naturally
8978057
Thanks for the critical, yet constructively given, feedback.
I know it's not much of an excuse, but this is my first time writing fiction, so I fully expected to make bad decisions or just flat out mistakes. Hopefully I learn from these mistakes and improve.
Hopefully, if you continue reading, things improve as the story moves on.
If you decide to not read any further, then I understand, and thank you for the feedback.