Years before Littlepip stepped from Stable 2, the Wasteland greeted all ponies with it's usual contempt. Tome Tale and his silent partner, Stranger, live day to day on their next bag of caps, until they stumble into something bigger than themselves.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Interesting... a few grammar issues. But I like.
This protagonist's so darn pretentious that even his redeeming acts come off as bittersweet and token. But I have to say, I enjoy how consistent his narration is with his personality.
A powerful way to build up a menace. So much foreboding encapsulated within one line, which was terrifically worded, by the way. And it remains subtle enough, so that the reader requires just that much to know what a threat 'Steam Bolt' is.
Finally, a chance to see Tome in a vulnerable position! And how lovely the humiliation is. I would remove the "I defended portion" however. Perhaps better to combine the two sentences together, so that it appears as though Tome was giving his justification in a low voice, as though embarrassed by how silly his reasoning was.
Though I do like the dynamic of an alternate form of communication, Stranger's staring proves difficult to interpret. In two instances, Stranger watches Tome during binary choices, as though judging whether he will do the right thing or not. However, here, Stranger just watches Tome while he is asking another pony's name. Not much a choice or any moral dilemma. It seems to me that Stranger is giving some mixed signals with his staring.
"fainted?" I think that was what you were going for. It was just something that broke me out of the story for a moment, unfortunately.
For an introduction chapter, it quickly establishes right away the peculiarities of our character and his general attitude toward others. As far as I could see, there were no plot holes or real immersion-breaking moments, aside from the nitpicks above. I really enjoyed the exploration of character, since Tome Tale could easily come off as a pretentious jerk with hypocritical morals. But the story goes out of its way to demonstrate that he has way more complexity than his attitude may give away.
A minor gripe I have, though, is with the narration at certain points. It feels disconnected at times from the events occurring in the story. For instance, the beginning scene has Tome receive a direct hit to the face, but rather than have that hit snap Tome back to the present situation, it comes off as an uninvited interruption to his narration. Just an "ouch" and a "That kinda hurt." Certainly, Tome is not that much of a hardened fighter that he can just shrug off those hits; he is a self-proclaimed egghead after all. What I think is that the narration should be more integrated with the character's experiences in the story, so that the reader is not put at a distance.
Nevertheless, the chapter had me engaged and excited for more.
This is an interesting start. Not some mighter then thou character who wants to right the wrongs of the wasteland. A tale of a survivor stuck with an interesting companion whose life is about to get a whole lot harder. Stable ponies... such a pain.
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Thanks. I hope you continue reading and enjoy the story. I look forward to your comments and reviews. ^-^
I saw the commission Romy did for you and it's the reason I'm reading this story. I'm liking it so far
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YAY \0/!!!!
I hope you like the story and let me know whether you think its good or bad. Feel free to critique, even negatively. Can't know what to improve unless I know where I'm going wrong. :)
Indeederino, it begins my friends! I gotta say, the story has sunken its hooks in my tender flesh the moment I started reading! Really interesting start and superb caracterisation! Kudos to you and your editor! ^^
The only two things I picked up on and -unfortunately- have to criticise are as follows: the first fight scene isn't perfectly divided into paragraphs, making it feel like I'm sliding down a sheer wall of words. A bit painful, I gotta admit. Then there is sometimes in random spots in the chapter issues with ',' and '.' Nothing major, really, but a might distracting at times. ^^
I don't know if this story gets continuated or if it has been abandoned, given it's age, but I nethertheless only wish the best upon you and your editor! Take care dude! ^^
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Not abandoned at all. new chapter nine up either today or tomorrow. ^^ you've come at the right time. I actually have this, the second chapter after that will be recorded into the audiobook, before I started working on chapter 10, and then 11. I simply had commission work that took me all year to punch out.
Thanks for the review, I'm aware of the needed corrections in here. We edit it as we go, then edit it again after, first him, and then me. So its edited and checked like 3-4 times before released yet SOMEHOW, still has errors. -_- It's infuriating.