"Weapons dealers [...] and nearly every sort of villain"
Hey, low blow there, I'm trying to get a job as an IRL weapons dealer right now!
But really, let's see...
First off, I notice a lot fewer typographical errors than before. Good job, to you and your editor(s)!
She reached down, picked up her filly partner and placed her on May's desk. "With Sugar on top?"
Okay, that was pretty funny.
magnum revolver
What exactly is this? As a gun nut, 'magnum' is actually a marketing term that ammunition and firearm companies use to refer to different things, there's no actual meaning to it. A very small issue, but eh, it triggered my inner nerd.
Good work on the dialogue in the first half, both between the Sugar, Skitz and Scar, and with May. It reads very naturally. Nice job!
Still seeing a few issues with commas, mostly times where they should be there and they aren't. Also, at least one time where there is one, but shouldn't be, like here:
Sortilege, loved her job.
During the attack on the stable and Sortilege's capture, the readers don't get to see a lot of emotion. We want to know Sortilege's reaction to seeing armed men bust down her door and attack her. She seems like a very passive character at this point. We hear a lot about her personality, but we hardly see any examples of her actually thinking or feeling anything. Later, right before her rescue, we do get to hear a little about what she's feeling, but we don't see it.
Remember, show vs. tell.
Anyway, I really did enjoy this, though my criticism probably makes it sound like I didn't. Keep practicing, keep writing, and let's see chapter two soon!
4912532 I really appreciate your input and I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it :) I'll be sure to work on the points you gave me. I'm glad you liked the dialogue. I was worried about it. I'm currently reading a bunch of writers tips on things like when to use commas and what not. I swear I'll get the hang of it some day :P
This is...fascinating. It's like getting the campfire version of a story, told apologetically with children in the room. It's cheesy, certainly, but in a good way. I'd argue that you do characters very well, save for Sortilege...
As a whole, the chapter was littered with grammar issues, which technically were an eyesore, but holistically, it was a fun read. The really sore spot was the 'telling' aspect of the story, in which I get told every last thing, instead of inferring it. Granted, that kind of works with the 3rd person style you have going, so I'll be looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Hi, I heard you were also writing a humorous FOE, so I have been meaning to check this out. I think you are still yet to find the hang of dramatic tension as a way of moving your story, but you have some quirky characters (I particularly like May, they have a good way of handling things). I think one of my biggest pet peeves is that these fights seem a bit superfluous. I'm a martial artist trained in general tactics and battlefield survival, so I guess I look at a lot of fights with skepticism.
I'm not here to rag on your story, I just wanted to check it out. Keep writing. I'm thinking about checking out the next chapter.
After a few minutes she had produced: a pair of hedge clippers, a throwing axe, several knives, a baseball bat, a few grenades, a few landmines, some plastic explosives, a squirt gun, a couple of small pistols, a pair of hoofclaws, some nunchucks, a toilet plunger, a small submachine gun and a crossbow and she was still reaching into her cloak for more.
Oof, the guard's probably shaking like a leaf by now. He's most likely scared more of Skitz than Scar...
First impressions:
Hey, low blow there, I'm trying to get a job as an IRL weapons dealer right now!
But really, let's see...
First off, I notice a lot fewer typographical errors than before. Good job, to you and your editor(s)!
Okay, that was pretty funny.
What exactly is this? As a gun nut, 'magnum' is actually a marketing term that ammunition and firearm companies use to refer to different things, there's no actual meaning to it. A very small issue, but eh, it triggered my inner nerd.
Good work on the dialogue in the first half, both between the Sugar, Skitz and Scar, and with May. It reads very naturally. Nice job!
Still seeing a few issues with commas, mostly times where they should be there and they aren't. Also, at least one time where there is one, but shouldn't be, like here:
During the attack on the stable and Sortilege's capture, the readers don't get to see a lot of emotion. We want to know Sortilege's reaction to seeing armed men bust down her door and attack her. She seems like a very passive character at this point. We hear a lot about her personality, but we hardly see any examples of her actually thinking or feeling anything. Later, right before her rescue, we do get to hear a little about what she's feeling, but we don't see it.
Remember, show vs. tell.
Anyway, I really did enjoy this, though my criticism probably makes it sound like I didn't. Keep practicing, keep writing, and let's see chapter two soon!
4912532 I really appreciate your input and I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it :) I'll be sure to work on the points you gave me. I'm glad you liked the dialogue. I was worried about it. I'm currently reading a bunch of writers tips on things like when to use commas and what not. I swear I'll get the hang of it some day :P
This story is really interesting. (And I'm not saying that because I have to.)
I'm one of the editors by the way. I'm not perfect, but I do what I can.
Some of you may have read my stories here, so you can attest to that.
Anyway, I hope you're enjoying this. I enjoy editing it.
It's great working with the author by the way. He's a swell guy.
This is...fascinating. It's like getting the campfire version of a story, told apologetically with children in the room. It's cheesy, certainly, but in a good way. I'd argue that you do characters very well, save for Sortilege...
As a whole, the chapter was littered with grammar issues, which technically were an eyesore, but holistically, it was a fun read. The really sore spot was the 'telling' aspect of the story, in which I get told every last thing, instead of inferring it. Granted, that kind of works with the 3rd person style you have going, so I'll be looking forward to seeing where this goes.
-Sage
Hi, I heard you were also writing a humorous FOE, so I have been meaning to check this out. I think you are still yet to find the hang of dramatic tension as a way of moving your story, but you have some quirky characters (I particularly like May, they have a good way of handling things). I think one of my biggest pet peeves is that these fights seem a bit superfluous. I'm a martial artist trained in general tactics and battlefield survival, so I guess I look at a lot of fights with skepticism.
I'm not here to rag on your story, I just wanted to check it out. Keep writing. I'm thinking about checking out the next chapter.
Oof, the guard's probably shaking like a leaf by now. He's most likely scared more of Skitz than Scar...