4794594 Sorry for taking so long to respond, I really wanted to put my head down and get some work done after the month-long break between re-released chapters.
Pacing was definitely something I sought to correct with the rewrites. If I've been told once, I've been told a thousand times that the story was really rushed in the beginning, so I'm doing my best to correct that while making sure the events still lead into one another in relatively the same way.
As far as Immelmann, I intended to show the reader that he was on base from the very beginning, but for some odd reason I never got around to it. I'd planned to have Mach make a note of Immelmann's raptor hanging around the base, as he was originally supposed to be in the immediate area to conduct an inspection, which was why he was fetched immediately upon learning that Mach had shot his superior officer. I just... never wrote it. I literally have no idea why.
He'll show up again in the epilogue this time around, as I forgot to include him originally. I do like his character as well, so I might be able to work him into a flashback or two. We'll see.
I've told a few people about my plans for the rewrite, but I can't recall if you were one of them. In any event, one of my primary goals was to tighten focus on the theme of the importance of family, and I believe that Mach taking the metaphorical bullet for his father, despite years of him playing favorites with Astral, shows just how much he treasures every last one of his family members, that he was willing to sacrifice everything so they could continue to live a normal life.
Just because he didn't use it this time around, doesn't mean it's gone. It'll still show up in those other two instances, but instead of making it a flashing neon sign to the reader, I've subtly changed things to set it up. You may have picked up on it already, or you may not have, but I've done some tweaking of Mach's abilities, his limits, and what outside influences impact them. He's still the speed demon we all know and love, he just needs certain conditions to be right in order to use his biggest trick.
As always, I treasure your input. With Tonto burned out on reading and Adder too distracted with TLS and games, you're about it when it comes to breakdown and analysis, unless Plain decides to stick around for the rest of the story. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the revised chapter 2.
Yay, comments! I'm not used to a quiet comment section on an update day. It can be a little disheartening.
Oh, they are. Believe me, they are. You're very fortunate to have started reading after I took them down. I'm also glad that you're liking Mach's character. I'm hoping that means that I've made him more likable this time around, as the general consensus was that I'm much better at making my supporting characters interesting.
4840149 I’ve put it off long enough. Self-pity be damned.
Welp, like I said on the Skypes, Mizani’s beliefs and martial arts style are based heavily on Bruce Lee. Perhaps I laid the FoE’s Zebrican Empire -> Fallout’s Communist China connection a little thick with that one, but we’re long past the point of no return here.
Ah, the monologue was an apparently poor attempt at comedy. It was meant to evoke a sort of cinematic feel of multiple cuts to and away from the protagonist while he’s speaking and making a short point said long, much to the dismay of his audience.
Looking to expand on that a little more the second time around. More and varied gunplay, but not to quite the detail to which you take things, and with disguised real world parallels. I aim to make it a game for people who know guns to identify them based on described features.
That’s a piece of real world for you right there. When I was a kid, I always used to pretend to be asleep when my mother came to call, and she always knew I was fibbing. Always.
This was a big problem that kept cropping up (which you’ve pointed out on at least one separate occasion), and I’ve definitely got my eye on it for revisions. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I got so caught up in the moment that I forgot that Mach wasn’t the only character present, and everyone around him sort of falls to the wayside.
As for the short description, well… that was a tie-in to a supplementary sidefic that I axed. If you’re curious, the scene in its entirety can be read here. 2.5k words. Reasonably short. You know what the password is.
This was the part of the chapter I dreaded you reaching more than anything. I knew how bad it was, I knew you’d be disappointed when you got to it so inherently that I was actually physically relieved when you said you were going to be starting over with the rewrites, despite any outward protests I may have made. This is one of the bigger things that festers in my mind whenever I think of rewrites, and was the single biggest scene I planned to overhaul past my planned goal of chapters 1-18. This part of the story was so pivotal and hyped-up and when push came to shove, I completely botched it. It’s a wonder that you’re the only one who’s said anything about it, when even my stomach turns into a pretzel whenever I think about it. Hopefully when you finally re-read it—if you re-read it, I’ll be able to redeem myself with a much more intense and dramatic scene.
4855891 Like I said waaay back when you asked me about Mach’s father’s scar, I always had plans for it. It was always a war injury, but only after Tonto came to me with the proposal to use the Dead Boys was I able to intertwine Mach’s past with Razorbeak’s. I’m relieved to see that I didn’t screw anything up in my portrayal, because if there’s one thing I hate, it’s screwing up the source material.
It’s always been there, my friend. If you haven’t picked up on it, Mach’s preference for machine guns reflects my own personal tastes. The PKM has long been a favorite of mine. I thought about the PKP for a little while, but that felt way too new. Originally, I planned to go with an RPD and call it a ‘Zebra Machine Gun’ similar to LP’s Zebra Assault Rifle, but I decided the hell with it and used the PKM to give a subtle wink and a nod to a buddy.
I can’t say anything more on this that I haven’t already, other than that I acknowledge that it’s been a consistent problem of mine and I certainly aim to take care of it.
Solara’s integration was a little rough due in no small part to its abruptness. I can say that while it’s a little hard to believe that Mach was able to welcome her with open hooves here, it’s a lot more believable in the rewrite. I realize it doesn’t do anything for the story as-is, but I do want you to understand that I’m learning from my mistakes as I go. Solara might grow on you or she might not. I can’t say for sure until you’ve gotten to a certain point a couple of chapters from now.
4880540 I did have doubts. A lot of doubts. Mostly from the negative reaction Tonto gave me to Mach’s brain problems. Like I said on Skype, any resemblance this poses to real world psychological problems is pure coincidence and a very happy accident. A manifestation of an evil version of one’s self in the mind seemed to me to be a rather… fictional portrayal of an altered mental state, I suppose I should say?
Thank Tonto. He’s always on my case to include references to other fics in my own, and I literally do not possess the ability to say no to people. It’s a crippling weakness.
The mood swings are abrupt, definitely. We agree there. All I can say is to trust in Mach’s instincts. He thinks there’s something wrong with her, and there is, most definitely. You’ll find out what and why in the next chapter.
C’mon Adder, it’s been 24 chapters. You know Mach well enough by now. Enough to know that neither forethought nor restraint are his strong suits. :P
HELMETS ARE FOR PUSSIES AND NON-FICTIONAL PEOPLE! ALL WE HAVE ROOM FOR IS ACTION HERO STEREOTYPES IN THIS STORY! >:D
I’m glad you saved me the trouble of saying it. Yeah, like the Air Raid fight, this is the scene in this chapter that I was dreading you reaching. Not at all like next chapter, though. There are quite a few scenes in that chapter that I’d like to scrub from memory.
Thanks, Adder. I’m beyond elated that you’re moving along at a good pace. At this rate, you’ll probably be done with it in the next month or two! I eagerly await for that day, and I shall read your next installment as soon as I can find the time.
Oh hey there Calamity, yup, you're really mixing Mach up with the actual story. Huh, that was real entertaining to read in the end there. Haha. I mean, it is a fanfiction of a fanfiction, and the rules of fanfiction don't say you can't use the characters... Hell, most fanfiction uses the characters of a story. Fallout Equestria is just one of those fandoms that stick to just using the world mostly. but here you actually used one of the characters. I forgot how much I enjoyed Katt's characters, I think you did Calamity pretty good there. Kept him himself. Hell, it fits even because for the longest of time Calamity didn't say much about the Enclave. Mach could have helped in that as a reminder. Yeah, yeah! :P
So the chapter revolved around his close encounter with raiders and realizing that he himself had the capability of becoming one. Mmm, you don't hear too much about pegasi raiders, that'd be an interesting obstacle out in the wasteland to face. A flying raider! I must say that was perhaps one of the most uncomfortable scenes I've read in a while. Rape's a serious thing and a lot of people don't think men can be raped too. There's just something else about switching it around. I think you did the insane raider bit very well. Hell, these raiders were far more gruisome than anything I would have had in my story I'm working on. I was reading how intense and out of their mind those two were and realized my raiders were a decent couple levels bellow these two... I'll chuck it up with my story starting out on the edge of Equestria or something. Yeah. Reading helps my own muse work stuff out.
I don't wanna really try and get too deep with these raiders now. Outside of what I've said it was well written and enthralling. Watcher's scene seemed a little sudden and abrupt, but it was still nice to see the use of Spike there. I'm real glad to see that with all the bashing and the torture Mach went through he finally got some help in the end. His wing will be relocated, he'll get a meal, and hopefully he didn't catch some horrible disease from his encounter.
I'm a little amazed there aren't more readers. There's more than two hundred likes, but comments seem to be slow for such an amazing tale so far. I know this is the rewrite but maybe there's something technical that's hindering you from getting more readers? Might be something to look into. In the meantime I have one more chapter to read and review! It's an awesome story so far and I'm afraid of reading the google docs version and seeing the possible drop in quality, so I'll keep here on fimfiction and await updates. Awesome chapter if not cringing worthy. I remember one of my favorite chapters of Fallout Equestria was when Little Pip lost it with those cannibals. This is kind of like that one with the horror scene of how brutal he killed that one raider. Just, on a smaller scale of that eerie feeling of dread and shock.
This chapter really rubs me the wrong way because in the original work Watcher goes out of his way to hide the fact that Sprite Bots are anything other than just flying radio bots. Yet for some reason he just spills the secret he had to debate with Lil Pip about letting a train wagon full of ponies die to protect.
I mean it's only a pegasus from the Enclave who have been trying to get into his cave and find his secrets for decades, right? What could possibly go wrong if you just tell him everything? It's not like the pegasus could seize control of the Spritebot network.. oh wait, YEAH they could, easily!
What's worse is the reveal is pointless! The only thing he ends up telling him is "Keep walking the way you are walking and you'll find someone to heal you." So why didn't he just let the pegasus keep trotting and find help on his own? Why blow one of the biggest, most well kept secrets in Equestria for some pegasus who was going to stumble into help within minutes anyway?
That whole interaction needs to be removed from the story. It makes zero sense and accomplishes nothing. It is the antithesis of the actions of the character of Watcher to just spill the beans to someone in the Enclave about his spybot network.
It serves no purpose and is just an amazingly stupid thing to do on Watcher's part. You seem to be trying to wedge in as many DIRECT FoE references as possible but dude, let it go. This isn't some find the Easter-egg drinking game. Your story can stand on it's own. It's a good story so far, let it stand on it's own.
This chapter please me greatly. We get to see more of the Wasteland, how hellish it can really be, the horror of life and the fact that Raiders exist and continue to perpetuate the horribleness. Garrote and Curb Stomp, very good choice for Raiders, the scenes with them were executed excellently. Garrote herself really felt like one of the more deranged Raiders and Curb stomp came off a bit stereotypical, but otherwise insane and cannibalistic like they're normally portrayed.
I enjoyed the growing tension when Mach is underground, finding those bodies like that. Also, that was grisly, the way Mach lost his ear and appropriate given that it was a raider who took it. Raiders aren't clean and quick killers after all. I like the hostility towards Mach in New Appleloosa, they've had time to get used to Calamity, but Mach in his Enclave gear just raises their suspicions and makes them less trusting of him. Overall, brilliant improvements through these rewritten chapters Tofu, can;t wait to read more.
Okay, back to Mach. Falling asleep in a raider infested town, exiled, all alone, busted wing, lucky for him the raiders are busy trying to deal with a certain other pony recently exiled from her home. But time to see him try and adjust to life under the clouds.
Knowing that they’d been able to escape was a bit of a shock, but it sated my curiosity.
That's quite the easily sated curiosity, not curious about what else might be going on? Where they went? how they did it? You missed one hell of a show. Also wait a moment, if this is the next day, how did he not hear and go check on the explosions and gunfire Littlepip caused? Or did the lazy wing actually get up early?
Secondly, thinking things over, kind of a missed opportunity there for to have been Mach that shot that first slaver that started the whole fight between the salvers and raiders Lil'pip used to get free. Yeah she thought it was the raiders striking first, but it was never made clear why when the slavers seemed to have an understanding with them and were in the middle of negotiating for safe passage, with the sniper being so far away it couldn't have been a result of the talking. While at the same time giving a much more solid reason for the twins to say Mach was 'going native' with the surface then simply wanting to watch a fight that had been about to break out.
Might have been pushing him a bit to far into Lilttlepip's story but at the same time, it would fit well enough, just odd thought I had.
Where the hell did that leave me?
With a whole new world to explore? And nopony yelling at you or barking orders you'll just ignore afterwards.
I’d awoken at the crack of dawn
Okay so he did wake up early, guess sleeping on the floor in an abattoir isn't great for making you want to sleep in. Also, guess he just gets to miss the fun later once Littlepip wakes up.
Point-blank gunshot.
With a shotgun no less. SO long dear Keggy, you deserved far worse.
What the hell had I been thinking?
Save your dad, and the fact you were fucked anyway so it was this or sit in a prison cell till you either rotted, got branded a Dashite and exiled anyway, only without all the gear and weapons, or simply got a bullet to the brain.
How was I going to survive down here when the dirt munchers had been struggling for going on two centuries?
And actually managing to do so.
My current plan of action was to follow the train tracks out of Ponyville.
Not a bad idea, and his reasoning makes sense for why. So, nice thinking Mach.
Where there was smoke, there was fire. Where there was fire, there were ponies.
Or dragons. Could always be dragons. Or just random brush-fires caused by who knows what. But still, only possible lead you have.
when gunshots and the crump of muffled explosions broke out from back the way I’d come.
And there's Littlepip, was wondering what was keeping her. Oh right, she got out of the boutique, made it to the woods, talked to Watcher, and only then went back for the Tree. Though, she still set off a few grenades getting out that he should have heard before this. Well a mine and a grenade.
Thank the stars I’d gotten the hell out of there before I’d been swept up in that.
Heh, to bad you missed one hell of a show.
The hoofful of bits jangling in my pocket was a reminder that I’d at least be able to buy some food and drink, if I could manage to find a pony peddling their wares.
Yeah good luck with that. Oh... ohhh and also get to see his reaction to meat being a stable part of most wastelander's diets. Going to be interesting, I'm sure he'll take it better then Velvet, but still should be good.
As I approached the nearest waypoint on the ScoutBuck’s compass,
PipBuck mapping, how the buck does it work? One of the remaining mysteries that even the original really never explained well.
I was alerted that I’d just entered the town of Apple Valley.
Okay, not New Appleloosa, though it seemed odd to get to that so easily and quickly. So actual settlement, or just left over burned out ruin from before the War?
Relatively few buildings were intact that I could see.
Okay, ruin, still might be something worth looting.
I really didn’t want to have somepony yanking on my injured wing without any kind of pain relief.
Awww stop whining about it ya big baby.
reckless decisions just so happened to be my forte.
“Excelsior,”
Hmmm, being foolish, reckless decisions on a whim, just to see what happens... I think "Allon-sy" would have been a better choice.
I couldn’t begin to imagine how the other pony races dealt with walking their whole lives.
By being used to it. Practice makes perfect. How do you get along not being able to levitate stuff or buck solid rocks into gravel in seconds?
locker and shower facilities,
Why would an elementary school have shower facilities? They don't really do a lot that would need that. Granted the elementary school I went to most had them, but that's cause the thing was built to be a high school at first then got converted, none of the other schools in the area had them... and even less reason for ponies to really use them.
I settled with my dominant hoof and headed to my right,
Good an idea as any here. Just make sure to always turn the same direction so you don't get lost.
“That is literally the last thing I wanted to see.”
Oh I'm sure I could come up with some other things you'd want to see even less.
My mind soon put two and two together, and my stomach did a backflip when I considered the very notion of such a disgusting act.
Hmm, raider nest, okay that is bad, but could still be worse, could have been a Hellhound, or and Alicorn. But you'd want to see them even less. Or an Enclave capture squad. Also if it's that old, maybe this nest has been dealt with or moved on by now.
but this problem is a lot bigger than I’d initially thought.”
You.. found two different nests, in two fairly separated towns, and it's to widespread? Ummmm, okay then mach.. if you say so. Seems like some shaky logic he's using here.
The body had been impaled with several meathooks
Question, how would ponies know what 'meathooks' are? How would that idea be common place given the whole, not having any kind of wholesale meat market that would use them? I mean sure, could be a Griffon thing, but why would it be that prevalent in Equestria?
“Whatever supplies might be in here aren’t worth it. I’m out.”
You might be impulsive, but you are not a complete idiot at least. Of course we all know it won't be that easy.
“Who’s there!?” A hoarse, raspy voice called out.
Case in point. Have fun Machy
I’d suddenly decided that I didn’t much care for unicorns as hostile combatants.
Unicorns iz teh Haxors! Also keep that in mind if you ever think of doing something to piss off The Stabledweller.
A sudden tensing of the jaw was a dead giveaway that a pony was about to fire. Magic completely erased the one advantage I had with regard to predicting my enemy’s actions.
Huh, never thought about that one, though it makes sense. Though with Raiders they are so insane and unpredictable, might not be able to rely on that type of thing either. Still interesting idea and, yeah like it.
I wasn’t sure I could turn and squeeze off a shot before she hit me,
Given raiders all have about the same marksponyship abilities as your basic Imperial Stormtrooper, while I'm sure she would get a shot off, but actually hit you? Granted Mach hasn't had time to realize this yet.
and my ears rang profusely as the crazed mare squeezed off shot after shot
Yet another oft overlooked bonus of magical energy weapons over guns.
I felt a stray round bury itself into my left flank,
Huh, actually managed to hit, well... guess even raiders can roll a natural 20 now and then. Be glad she didn't confirm the crit.
but she brought her pistol down from on high and smashed the butt into my skull.
Well, be glad you got one of the ones insane enough to want to play around with you for a bit rather then just kill your outright, at least it gives you a chance to get free. Still, damn Mach, how many mirrors have you walked under while breaking mirrors due to seeing black cats crossing your path?
Also told ya so, should have just turned and shot her yourself. With raiders, best Defense is a good Offense.
Alright how screwed is he going to be on waking up?
An experimental twist revealed both the knots and material to be of poor quality, but I didn’t want to make my move yet.
Ah tied up while they argue what to do with you, and using really crappy rope and knots, well this could be salvageable. Were they dumb enough to leave you with all your gear still on?
I could tell by feel that I’d been bereft of all of my gear.
Damn, so they aren't entirely stupid, meaning you get to kill them and take it back rather then just sneak away.
the ScoutBuck, which I now realized wasn’t half as useful as I thought it would be, given that it hadn’t highlighted any hostile targets when the raider mare had been stalking me.
Can buy them leaving it, they likely had no clue what the fuck it was and so really didn't bother with it, figuring they could investigate later or, just totally missing it. As to the thing not picking up the hostile, that is odd, so, Doc left a few bugs in it and didn't quite get all the functions he wanted out of it? Or user error?
Never even seen a pegasus before, never mind had the chance t’ roll around with one.
Well, he's found himself with a rather.. eccentric pair of Raiders, even by Raider standards. I kind of like them. Not enough I'm going o regret seeing them get taken out in the slightest, but still, pretty entertaining so far. Kind of different, but still fitting the idea of raiders. Totally flipping nuts, but in their own unique way.
I bet he’d look real good in a dress, too. Definitely got the ass fer it.”
Oh please let them start playing dress up with him....
“You’re not the first pony to tell me that,”
Why let them know you are awake? Now they can start having fun. Or, well, given how stupid they seem to be, maybe you can talk them into doing something stupid to let you take them out.
Also, gee I wonder who the other pony was......
I was locked up in a cell made of wrought iron bars
Okay, so, more secure then just tied up, yeah time to talk them into doing something stupid.
and my fast mouth was the direct byproduct of my fear.
Ah a follower of the Tao of Dresden. When in doubt, snark at your opponent till they get so fed up and annoyed they do something stupid.... or simply snark at them for the sake of snarking.
Let’s see ya talk shit when I’m splittin’ ya in half, ya little faggot
Good thinking there Curb Stomp. Show that faggot what a faggot he is by bucking him in the ass.
Well, this definitely took the top spot for most awkward situation of my life.
Yeah... even by normal wasteland standards, this is rather bizarre and awkward.
leaving me unable to see Garrote or what she was doing.
She's going to cold cock him and the two will end up taking out each other for him, won't they?
I heard a crack and a sickening crunch, and the earth pony crumpled to a heap at my hooves.
“I said, ‘wait yer turn,’ Curby,”
Well half right. At least now you are down to only one. Time to play Coltanova and get her to lower her guard mach.
“What makes you think I won’t just club you over the head like you did to me?”
Damnit Mach, don't remind her you could do that.... now she's going to take steps to make sure you don't.
and it was then that I realized that my monumental stupidity had screwed me over yet again.
Yeah, you so could have gotten out of this so much easier. A little sweet talk, a little holding back your urge to retch as you got her in the mood and made her think you were perfectly fine with humping her brains out, get her in position... and then bash her brains out.
my hoof clutched tightly to the hole that had just opened up in my jacket.
That bitch.. I mean shooting him is one thing, you just gotta expect wasteland protagonists to eat a lot of bullets, that's what healing potions are for. But do you have any idea how hard it's going to be to get that jacket fixed up right down here?
Kinda like those cherry-flavored snack cakes ya find layin’ around every once in a while.”
.......... So, did we just find unicorn Frosty? She really does act a lot like Toasty, only, actually a bit less psychotic.
Against all logic, she found it both amusing, and apparently arousing as well.
Well, should have seen that part coming. Just play along with her, eventually you might get in a lucky shot.
but I completely forgot about that when Garrote stood and my eyes caught something clenched in between her teeth.
Hmmm, from the description... Mach about to activate Berserker mode?
The ambient noises inside the room seemed to fade out and were replaced with the dull roar of the blood rushing through my ears.
Definitely seems like berserker pony time. So what did she grab?
she swallowed the piece of my ear she’d just bitten off,
........ okay then... that.. did not see that coming, and just.. just.....
GIVE IT BACK!
... I'm pretty sure you don't want that back now.. still... she's about to really regret that....
There was legitimate fear there. She was completely and utterly terrified. “H-Help, Curby. I don’t wanna die…”
What I said before.. the whole not going ot be sorry about seeing them get taken out...... ummm, story...... you managed to make me regret saying that.. this is just.... I'll need a bit.. I'll sum it up later....
A single traumatic event leading to a downward spiral into insanity?
Sometimes... just.. can't stop to talk to engrossed...
or did I really have the potential to be that terrible a pony without the threat of the law to punish me?
Okay that.. that whole scene it was... I.. I can't say good, or any thing close to that, it was.. not the least bit anything positive for what was going on but, it was.. it was very well done. Just.... okay on the Watsonian level it was.. it was horrible, seeing that happen, and yet, totally understandable. Doyalist wise it was, amazingly well done. Mach's true introduction to the horrors of the Wastes and, even worse then Littlepip's, not only seeing how far ponies will fall, but how far HE could fall. Having to confront a savage, dark side to himself.
Actually, making us feel sorry for the insane, murderous, psycho rapist pony.. without changing anything about her, no revels of tragic backstory, no in depth over done anything trying to invoke those feelings just, simple, basic horror at.. at how nopony should have to go like that. For all her faults, for as horrible as she was, she was...... there was still some small bit in there that was a pony, some bit that deserved pity for what she'd become. Just being able to have that severe a mood shift over her. And Mach, just, going from "FUCK YEAH! Time to kick some ass!" cheering for him to, to.. stunned horror at what he was doing. I'm.. not even sure how to really express myself over it any more then that.
Showing both the depths that raiders will sink, as well as a reminder that.. they still can be tragedy to them, making Mach question himself, having him sink to that level. But out of fear, anger, pain, rage, just overcome with so many emotions, losing control. Making him able to do something that horrible, without becoming any worse as a character, without being hateable for it. Because of his reaction to it, as horrified at what he'd done as the audience should be. Making him question himself. "The one hard truth of the Wasteland, is that everypony has done something they regret"
Taking what could have just been some fun action bit about him making some badass escape, and instead doing... THAT with it.. it was hard to read, grim, sickening, maybe went a bit to detailed on the gorier aspects, and yet, so well executed, so full of meaning, emotion, setting up some rather major stuff for his growth as a character, giving him something to not just doubt the surface dwellers for, but even himself something that, could either lead to him sinking further and further down that slope, giving into that darker nature, or fight it, rise above it and use the horror at what he could do to keep himself from falling like that again and.... yeah as horrible and disturbing and hard to deal with as the scene was it, it was nonetheless a brilliantly done bit of writing to have that much emotion, that many conflicting feelings all going at once and setting up so much both about the world and the character.. just just..... that was.. I'll outright say it, it was a better use of raiders then the even the original managed to use.
Train cars had been stacked high to surround the town like protective walls,
And hello New Appleloosa.
that identified the location as the town of New Appleloosa.
HOW! Yeah yeah it's a sin of the original too. Still, of all the things it did explain, how the hell does that map updater work!?
they were all just… glaring at me with hatred.
Why would they? Wait this bring up another issue from earlier, how the hell did the raiders know what the Enclave was? It's not just here, other fics do it too. How the hell do ponies down on the ground know about anything going on up there? Yes that there are pegasi keeping the sky closed, but actually know about The Enclave itself? How? I know Littlepip was utterly lost about the ide, but she was from a Stable, still it never seemed like The Enclave were common knowledge before they came down. Not only that but why would the ponies in this town, above all others have any issues with pegasi given they all know Calamity? They should be one of the most welcoming towns for a pegasus freshly down from the clouds, assuming he's a new Dashite like Calamity. Especially one this beat up.
but ain’t no Enclave ponies welcome in this here town.
Again how the hell do they know!? And why would they assume that? Just, seems like they are being far far to antagonistic simply for the sake of conflict here.
Ah ain’t gonna abide y’ comin’ down in t’ muh town uninvited, stirrin’ up all kinds o’ ruckus and rilin’ up muh citizenry. All y’all Enclave pegasi are more trouble’n yer worth
Okay... I will at least give you that Railright was a colossal douche bag in the first place so, can't really be upset with him acting like one here too. But the rest of the townsponies?
Okay seriously, even for Railright this is unreasonably douchey just to add some really unneeded conflict, we had enough of that in the last scene, there is really no need for things to be this antagonistic. We did not see, at any point, even a hint of anti-pegasi sentiments anywhere in the original with Calamity until after the Enclave started genociding the surface. So why suddenly have the town least likely to have an issue with pegasi be the one acting so assholish? Just to reinforce Mach's view on the surface ponies being pathetic, useless slime?
Ah c’n see a few pretty decisive pieces o’ evidence that yer story’s a bunch o’ hogwash,
Really? Calamity manged to make it down below with an entire set of Power Armor, despite being captured, branded, and forcibly exiled. Only reason I can think that makes any sense at all is, well, it's Calamity, he likely just stuffed it under his hat when nopony was looking as good as he is at looting stuff.
So, somepony choosing to say "Fuck you all!" and leave, wouldn't grab some stuff? Again you personally KNOW one of the only two dashites on the surface right now. (That we know of anyway) So you KNOW that can and does happen.
What caught my attention was the mark of burned and long since scarred flesh upon his flank depicting a cloud and lightning bolt. A Dashite? Here?
No story, that's a bad story. Can't work. The original was very explicit that Calamity's barding kept his brand covered up completely, and he made sure to keep it that way. Hell Littlepip and Velvet didn't even find out about the fact he'd been branded till they got to Manehatten and he finally showed them.
Ah done took a look at his jacket already, an’ it’s loaded with all kinds o’ Enclave patches an’ things.”
The only reason I'm not ranting a bit more about this, is... yeah it IS Railright, and he is a freaking idiotic asshole so, that does fit for him I guess.
Ain’t no such thing as Neighvarro Recon, an’ believe me, Ah would know. Ah done grew up there,
And you've been gone how long? Okay story don't make Calamity into an idiot too. He'd be smart enough to know things could change, plus where else would Mach get all the rest of the stuff he has if he wasn't?
we didn’t have no squadrons dedicated to recon.
Now, while it is nice touch to point out how the whole wasteland recon thing is something new they just started doing, and that does fit, having it be done this way, not a big fan.
“C-Calamity…? Deadshot Calamity…?”
Hey Calamity, he's heard about you, now let's see if he's smarter then those civilians that instantly saw through the idiotic logic of him both killing his entire team and fleeing to the wastes, and him being captured and branded then exiled.
Years ago, he’d done what I hadn't cared enough to do until just last night—he’d come down here to make a difference.
Ah, a fan, well good job there. Though he'd be more reviled and "you killed your own squad" and what not. Nice job there story.
I hadn’t had the opportunity to see enough plight and tragedy in the Wasteland by the time of his defection to have been compelled to do the same.
Well to Calamity's credit it didn't take a whole lot for him to tell this was the right thing. Just one little incident helping out some ponies in need the moment he saw them.
Calamity had been branded and exiled for murdering his entire wing of troops.
Ah, you did hear the bit. Well I'd say this should be interesting, but given how things hav been so far in this town.....
The ground was so comfortable, and it was such a nice time for a nap.
Aw, passing out into blissful unconsciousness. Get used to it, you are an FOE protagonist now, it's going to be happening to you a lot.
Well, sorry it took so long to get back to this thing, missed a lot. Good opening ,nothing major, then that Raider scene.. I already went over that, such a well done bit of writing that really used the setting and raiders well, and set up what looks like it could be some really incredible bits of character growth and conflict for Mach.
New Appleloosa, already made clear my issue there, it makes no damn sense for them to be acting that way and it just adds unneeded conflict right after such an emotional moment that, it's just... did not care for it.
Now adding in Calamity. Okay I knew that was coming and been thinking about it for awhile how to respond. So far, he seems alright. Just, really really odd he'd encounter Mach, and yet at no point in all of the original mention having just met another pegasus. It's not like it outright breaks any canon I can think of, it just, makes it really really odd he wouldn't have mentioned this. Yeah, I can see where it's going, Calamity is going to go out with the caravan, shoot Littlepip, who will be out for awhile, and while she's recovering from that Mach will get fixed up and leave before Lil'pip wakes up. So should get some more talking between the two pegasi that might make it work but, it's not "RAWR EVIL DEFILER!" canon breaking and all the bad but, it is.. odd and, walking a tightrope. So will just see where it goes before saying anything more.
But what if the right hoof to get off on is the left hoof? And what about front and back hoofs? There are so many questions unanswered in the wasteland, and only one way to find answers!
“Excelsior,” I muttered, and pattered over to a collapsed section of wall.
Snffle, that line will hurt a lot of nerds for a long time to come
This is really becoming an excellent story. I really enjoy Mach and his character. I eagerly await more!
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Sorry for taking so long to respond, I really wanted to put my head down and get some work done after the month-long break between re-released chapters.
Pacing was definitely something I sought to correct with the rewrites. If I've been told once, I've been told a thousand times that the story was really rushed in the beginning, so I'm doing my best to correct that while making sure the events still lead into one another in relatively the same way.
As far as Immelmann, I intended to show the reader that he was on base from the very beginning, but for some odd reason I never got around to it. I'd planned to have Mach make a note of Immelmann's raptor hanging around the base, as he was originally supposed to be in the immediate area to conduct an inspection, which was why he was fetched immediately upon learning that Mach had shot his superior officer. I just... never wrote it. I literally have no idea why.
He'll show up again in the epilogue this time around, as I forgot to include him originally. I do like his character as well, so I might be able to work him into a flashback or two. We'll see.
I've told a few people about my plans for the rewrite, but I can't recall if you were one of them. In any event, one of my primary goals was to tighten focus on the theme of the importance of family, and I believe that Mach taking the metaphorical bullet for his father, despite years of him playing favorites with Astral, shows just how much he treasures every last one of his family members, that he was willing to sacrifice everything so they could continue to live a normal life.
Just because he didn't use it this time around, doesn't mean it's gone. It'll still show up in those other two instances, but instead of making it a flashing neon sign to the reader, I've subtly changed things to set it up. You may have picked up on it already, or you may not have, but I've done some tweaking of Mach's abilities, his limits, and what outside influences impact them. He's still the speed demon we all know and love, he just needs certain conditions to be right in order to use his biggest trick.
As always, I treasure your input. With Tonto burned out on reading and Adder too distracted with TLS and games, you're about it when it comes to breakdown and analysis, unless Plain decides to stick around for the rest of the story. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the revised chapter 2.
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Yay, comments! I'm not used to a quiet comment section on an update day. It can be a little disheartening.
Oh, they are. Believe me, they are. You're very fortunate to have started reading after I took them down. I'm also glad that you're liking Mach's character. I'm hoping that means that I've made him more likable this time around, as the general consensus was that I'm much better at making my supporting characters interesting.
I like the new pacing
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I’ve put it off long enough. Self-pity be damned.
Welp, like I said on the Skypes, Mizani’s beliefs and martial arts style are based heavily on Bruce Lee. Perhaps I laid the FoE’s Zebrican Empire -> Fallout’s Communist China connection a little thick with that one, but we’re long past the point of no return here.
Ah, the monologue was an apparently poor attempt at comedy. It was meant to evoke a sort of cinematic feel of multiple cuts to and away from the protagonist while he’s speaking and making a short point said long, much to the dismay of his audience.
Looking to expand on that a little more the second time around. More and varied gunplay, but not to quite the detail to which you take things, and with disguised real world parallels. I aim to make it a game for people who know guns to identify them based on described features.
That’s a piece of real world for you right there. When I was a kid, I always used to pretend to be asleep when my mother came to call, and she always knew I was fibbing. Always.
This was a big problem that kept cropping up (which you’ve pointed out on at least one separate occasion), and I’ve definitely got my eye on it for revisions. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I got so caught up in the moment that I forgot that Mach wasn’t the only character present, and everyone around him sort of falls to the wayside.
As for the short description, well… that was a tie-in to a supplementary sidefic that I axed. If you’re curious, the scene in its entirety can be read here. 2.5k words. Reasonably short. You know what the password is.
This was the part of the chapter I dreaded you reaching more than anything. I knew how bad it was, I knew you’d be disappointed when you got to it so inherently that I was actually physically relieved when you said you were going to be starting over with the rewrites, despite any outward protests I may have made. This is one of the bigger things that festers in my mind whenever I think of rewrites, and was the single biggest scene I planned to overhaul past my planned goal of chapters 1-18. This part of the story was so pivotal and hyped-up and when push came to shove, I completely botched it. It’s a wonder that you’re the only one who’s said anything about it, when even my stomach turns into a pretzel whenever I think about it. Hopefully when you finally re-read it—if you re-read it, I’ll be able to redeem myself with a much more intense and dramatic scene.
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Like I said waaay back when you asked me about Mach’s father’s scar, I always had plans for it. It was always a war injury, but only after Tonto came to me with the proposal to use the Dead Boys was I able to intertwine Mach’s past with Razorbeak’s. I’m relieved to see that I didn’t screw anything up in my portrayal, because if there’s one thing I hate, it’s screwing up the source material.
It’s always been there, my friend. If you haven’t picked up on it, Mach’s preference for machine guns reflects my own personal tastes. The PKM has long been a favorite of mine. I thought about the PKP for a little while, but that felt way too new. Originally, I planned to go with an RPD and call it a ‘Zebra Machine Gun’ similar to LP’s Zebra Assault Rifle, but I decided the hell with it and used the PKM to give a subtle wink and a nod to a buddy.
You might remember a certain ask on your tumblr. Keep a sharp eye out.
I can’t say anything more on this that I haven’t already, other than that I acknowledge that it’s been a consistent problem of mine and I certainly aim to take care of it.
Solara’s integration was a little rough due in no small part to its abruptness. I can say that while it’s a little hard to believe that Mach was able to welcome her with open hooves here, it’s a lot more believable in the rewrite. I realize it doesn’t do anything for the story as-is, but I do want you to understand that I’m learning from my mistakes as I go. Solara might grow on you or she might not. I can’t say for sure until you’ve gotten to a certain point a couple of chapters from now.
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I did have doubts. A lot of doubts. Mostly from the negative reaction Tonto gave me to Mach’s brain problems. Like I said on Skype, any resemblance this poses to real world psychological problems is pure coincidence and a very happy accident. A manifestation of an evil version of one’s self in the mind seemed to me to be a rather… fictional portrayal of an altered mental state, I suppose I should say?
Thank Tonto. He’s always on my case to include references to other fics in my own, and I literally do not possess the ability to say no to people. It’s a crippling weakness.
The mood swings are abrupt, definitely. We agree there. All I can say is to trust in Mach’s instincts. He thinks there’s something wrong with her, and there is, most definitely. You’ll find out what and why in the next chapter.
C’mon Adder, it’s been 24 chapters. You know Mach well enough by now. Enough to know that neither forethought nor restraint are his strong suits. :P
HELMETS ARE FOR PUSSIES AND NON-FICTIONAL PEOPLE! ALL WE HAVE ROOM FOR IS ACTION HERO STEREOTYPES IN THIS STORY! >:D
I’m glad you saved me the trouble of saying it. Yeah, like the Air Raid fight, this is the scene in this chapter that I was dreading you reaching. Not at all like next chapter, though. There are quite a few scenes in that chapter that I’d like to scrub from memory.
Thanks, Adder. I’m beyond elated that you’re moving along at a good pace. At this rate, you’ll probably be done with it in the next month or two! I eagerly await for that day, and I shall read your next installment as soon as I can find the time.
Oh hey there Calamity, yup, you're really mixing Mach up with the actual story. Huh, that was real entertaining to read in the end there. Haha. I mean, it is a fanfiction of a fanfiction, and the rules of fanfiction don't say you can't use the characters... Hell, most fanfiction uses the characters of a story. Fallout Equestria is just one of those fandoms that stick to just using the world mostly. but here you actually used one of the characters. I forgot how much I enjoyed Katt's characters, I think you did Calamity pretty good there. Kept him himself. Hell, it fits even because for the longest of time Calamity didn't say much about the Enclave. Mach could have helped in that as a reminder. Yeah, yeah! :P
So the chapter revolved around his close encounter with raiders and realizing that he himself had the capability of becoming one. Mmm, you don't hear too much about pegasi raiders, that'd be an interesting obstacle out in the wasteland to face. A flying raider! I must say that was perhaps one of the most uncomfortable scenes I've read in a while. Rape's a serious thing and a lot of people don't think men can be raped too. There's just something else about switching it around. I think you did the insane raider bit very well. Hell, these raiders were far more gruisome than anything I would have had in my story I'm working on. I was reading how intense and out of their mind those two were and realized my raiders were a decent couple levels bellow these two... I'll chuck it up with my story starting out on the edge of Equestria or something. Yeah. Reading helps my own muse work stuff out.
I don't wanna really try and get too deep with these raiders now. Outside of what I've said it was well written and enthralling. Watcher's scene seemed a little sudden and abrupt, but it was still nice to see the use of Spike there. I'm real glad to see that with all the bashing and the torture Mach went through he finally got some help in the end. His wing will be relocated, he'll get a meal, and hopefully he didn't catch some horrible disease from his encounter.
I'm a little amazed there aren't more readers. There's more than two hundred likes, but comments seem to be slow for such an amazing tale so far. I know this is the rewrite but maybe there's something technical that's hindering you from getting more readers? Might be something to look into. In the meantime I have one more chapter to read and review! It's an awesome story so far and I'm afraid of reading the google docs version and seeing the possible drop in quality, so I'll keep here on fimfiction and await updates. Awesome chapter if not cringing worthy. I remember one of my favorite chapters of Fallout Equestria was when Little Pip lost it with those cannibals. This is kind of like that one with the horror scene of how brutal he killed that one raider. Just, on a smaller scale of that eerie feeling of dread and shock.
Quaver Ava
This chapter really rubs me the wrong way because in the original work Watcher goes out of his way to hide the fact that Sprite Bots are anything other than just flying radio bots. Yet for some reason he just spills the secret he had to debate with Lil Pip about letting a train wagon full of ponies die to protect.
I mean it's only a pegasus from the Enclave who have been trying to get into his cave and find his secrets for decades, right? What could possibly go wrong if you just tell him everything? It's not like the pegasus could seize control of the Spritebot network.. oh wait, YEAH they could, easily!
What's worse is the reveal is pointless! The only thing he ends up telling him is "Keep walking the way you are walking and you'll find someone to heal you." So why didn't he just let the pegasus keep trotting and find help on his own? Why blow one of the biggest, most well kept secrets in Equestria for some pegasus who was going to stumble into help within minutes anyway?
That whole interaction needs to be removed from the story. It makes zero sense and accomplishes nothing. It is the antithesis of the actions of the character of Watcher to just spill the beans to someone in the Enclave about his spybot network.
It serves no purpose and is just an amazingly stupid thing to do on Watcher's part. You seem to be trying to wedge in as many DIRECT FoE references as possible but dude, let it go. This isn't some find the Easter-egg drinking game. Your story can stand on it's own. It's a good story so far, let it stand on it's own.
This chapter please me greatly. We get to see more of the Wasteland, how hellish it can really be, the horror of life and the fact that Raiders exist and continue to perpetuate the horribleness. Garrote and Curb Stomp, very good choice for Raiders, the scenes with them were executed excellently. Garrote herself really felt like one of the more deranged Raiders and Curb stomp came off a bit stereotypical, but otherwise insane and cannibalistic like they're normally portrayed.
I enjoyed the growing tension when Mach is underground, finding those bodies like that. Also, that was grisly, the way Mach lost his ear and appropriate given that it was a raider who took it. Raiders aren't clean and quick killers after all. I like the hostility towards Mach in New Appleloosa, they've had time to get used to Calamity, but Mach in his Enclave gear just raises their suspicions and makes them less trusting of him. Overall, brilliant improvements through these rewritten chapters Tofu, can;t wait to read more.
Okay, back to Mach. Falling asleep in a raider infested town, exiled, all alone, busted wing, lucky for him the raiders are busy trying to deal with a certain other pony recently exiled from her home. But time to see him try and adjust to life under the clouds.
That's quite the easily sated curiosity, not curious about what else might be going on? Where they went? how they did it? You missed one hell of a show. Also wait a moment, if this is the next day, how did he not hear and go check on the explosions and gunfire Littlepip caused? Or did the lazy wing actually get up early?
Secondly, thinking things over, kind of a missed opportunity there for to have been Mach that shot that first slaver that started the whole fight between the salvers and raiders Lil'pip used to get free. Yeah she thought it was the raiders striking first, but it was never made clear why when the slavers seemed to have an understanding with them and were in the middle of negotiating for safe passage, with the sniper being so far away it couldn't have been a result of the talking. While at the same time giving a much more solid reason for the twins to say Mach was 'going native' with the surface then simply wanting to watch a fight that had been about to break out.
Might have been pushing him a bit to far into Lilttlepip's story but at the same time, it would fit well enough, just odd thought I had.
With a whole new world to explore? And nopony yelling at you or barking orders you'll just ignore afterwards.
Okay so he did wake up early, guess sleeping on the floor in an abattoir isn't great for making you want to sleep in. Also, guess he just gets to miss the fun later once Littlepip wakes up.
With a shotgun no less. SO long dear Keggy, you deserved far worse.
Save your dad, and the fact you were fucked anyway so it was this or sit in a prison cell till you either rotted, got branded a Dashite and exiled anyway, only without all the gear and weapons, or simply got a bullet to the brain.
And actually managing to do so.
Not a bad idea, and his reasoning makes sense for why. So, nice thinking Mach.
Or dragons. Could always be dragons. Or just random brush-fires caused by who knows what. But still, only possible lead you have.
And there's Littlepip, was wondering what was keeping her. Oh right, she got out of the boutique, made it to the woods, talked to Watcher, and only then went back for the Tree. Though, she still set off a few grenades getting out that he should have heard before this. Well a mine and a grenade.
Heh, to bad you missed one hell of a show.
Yeah good luck with that. Oh... ohhh and also get to see his reaction to meat being a stable part of most wastelander's diets. Going to be interesting, I'm sure he'll take it better then Velvet, but still should be good.
PipBuck mapping, how the buck does it work? One of the remaining mysteries that even the original really never explained well.
Okay, not New Appleloosa, though it seemed odd to get to that so easily and quickly. So actual settlement, or just left over burned out ruin from before the War?
Okay, ruin, still might be something worth looting.
Awww stop whining about it ya big baby.
Hmmm, being foolish, reckless decisions on a whim, just to see what happens... I think "Allon-sy" would have been a better choice.
By being used to it. Practice makes perfect. How do you get along not being able to levitate stuff or buck solid rocks into gravel in seconds?
Why would an elementary school have shower facilities? They don't really do a lot that would need that. Granted the elementary school I went to most had them, but that's cause the thing was built to be a high school at first then got converted, none of the other schools in the area had them... and even less reason for ponies to really use them.
Good an idea as any here. Just make sure to always turn the same direction so you don't get lost.
Oh I'm sure I could come up with some other things you'd want to see even less.
Hmm, raider nest, okay that is bad, but could still be worse, could have been a Hellhound, or and Alicorn. But you'd want to see them even less. Or an Enclave capture squad. Also if it's that old, maybe this nest has been dealt with or moved on by now.
You.. found two different nests, in two fairly separated towns, and it's to widespread? Ummmm, okay then mach.. if you say so. Seems like some shaky logic he's using here.
Question, how would ponies know what 'meathooks' are? How would that idea be common place given the whole, not having any kind of wholesale meat market that would use them? I mean sure, could be a Griffon thing, but why would it be that prevalent in Equestria?
You might be impulsive, but you are not a complete idiot at least. Of course we all know it won't be that easy.
Case in point. Have fun Machy
Unicorns iz teh Haxors! Also keep that in mind if you ever think of doing something to piss off The Stabledweller.
Huh, never thought about that one, though it makes sense. Though with Raiders they are so insane and unpredictable, might not be able to rely on that type of thing either. Still interesting idea and, yeah like it.
Given raiders all have about the same marksponyship abilities as your basic Imperial Stormtrooper, while I'm sure she would get a shot off, but actually hit you? Granted Mach hasn't had time to realize this yet.
Yet another oft overlooked bonus of magical energy weapons over guns.
Huh, actually managed to hit, well... guess even raiders can roll a natural 20 now and then. Be glad she didn't confirm the crit.
Well, be glad you got one of the ones insane enough to want to play around with you for a bit rather then just kill your outright, at least it gives you a chance to get free. Still, damn Mach, how many mirrors have you walked under while breaking mirrors due to seeing black cats crossing your path?
Also told ya so, should have just turned and shot her yourself. With raiders, best Defense is a good Offense.
Alright how screwed is he going to be on waking up?
Ah tied up while they argue what to do with you, and using really crappy rope and knots, well this could be salvageable. Were they dumb enough to leave you with all your gear still on?
Damn, so they aren't entirely stupid, meaning you get to kill them and take it back rather then just sneak away.
Can buy them leaving it, they likely had no clue what the fuck it was and so really didn't bother with it, figuring they could investigate later or, just totally missing it. As to the thing not picking up the hostile, that is odd, so, Doc left a few bugs in it and didn't quite get all the functions he wanted out of it? Or user error?
Well, he's found himself with a rather.. eccentric pair of Raiders, even by Raider standards. I kind of like them. Not enough I'm going o regret seeing them get taken out in the slightest, but still, pretty entertaining so far. Kind of different, but still fitting the idea of raiders. Totally flipping nuts, but in their own unique way.
Oh please let them start playing dress up with him....
Why let them know you are awake? Now they can start having fun. Or, well, given how stupid they seem to be, maybe you can talk them into doing something stupid to let you take them out.
Also, gee I wonder who the other pony was......
Okay, so, more secure then just tied up, yeah time to talk them into doing something stupid.
Ah a follower of the Tao of Dresden. When in doubt, snark at your opponent till they get so fed up and annoyed they do something stupid.... or simply snark at them for the sake of snarking.
Good thinking there Curb Stomp. Show that faggot what a faggot he is by bucking him in the ass.
Yeah... even by normal wasteland standards, this is rather bizarre and awkward.
She's going to cold cock him and the two will end up taking out each other for him, won't they?
Well half right. At least now you are down to only one. Time to play Coltanova and get her to lower her guard mach.
Damnit Mach, don't remind her you could do that.... now she's going to take steps to make sure you don't.
Yeah, you so could have gotten out of this so much easier. A little sweet talk, a little holding back your urge to retch as you got her in the mood and made her think you were perfectly fine with humping her brains out, get her in position... and then bash her brains out.
That bitch.. I mean shooting him is one thing, you just gotta expect wasteland protagonists to eat a lot of bullets, that's what healing potions are for. But do you have any idea how hard it's going to be to get that jacket fixed up right down here?
.......... So, did we just find unicorn Frosty? She really does act a lot like Toasty, only, actually a bit less psychotic.
Well, should have seen that part coming. Just play along with her, eventually you might get in a lucky shot.
Hmmm, from the description... Mach about to activate Berserker mode?
Definitely seems like berserker pony time. So what did she grab?
........ okay then... that.. did not see that coming, and just.. just.....
... I'm pretty sure you don't want that back now.. still... she's about to really regret that....
What I said before.. the whole not going ot be sorry about seeing them get taken out...... ummm, story...... you managed to make me regret saying that.. this is just.... I'll need a bit.. I'll sum it up later....
Sometimes... just.. can't stop to talk to engrossed...
Okay that.. that whole scene it was... I.. I can't say good, or any thing close to that, it was.. not the least bit anything positive for what was going on but, it was.. it was very well done. Just.... okay on the Watsonian level it was.. it was horrible, seeing that happen, and yet, totally understandable. Doyalist wise it was, amazingly well done. Mach's true introduction to the horrors of the Wastes and, even worse then Littlepip's, not only seeing how far ponies will fall, but how far HE could fall. Having to confront a savage, dark side to himself.
Actually, making us feel sorry for the insane, murderous, psycho rapist pony.. without changing anything about her, no revels of tragic backstory, no in depth over done anything trying to invoke those feelings just, simple, basic horror at.. at how nopony should have to go like that. For all her faults, for as horrible as she was, she was...... there was still some small bit in there that was a pony, some bit that deserved pity for what she'd become. Just being able to have that severe a mood shift over her. And Mach, just, going from "FUCK YEAH! Time to kick some ass!" cheering for him to, to.. stunned horror at what he was doing. I'm.. not even sure how to really express myself over it any more then that.
Showing both the depths that raiders will sink, as well as a reminder that.. they still can be tragedy to them, making Mach question himself, having him sink to that level. But out of fear, anger, pain, rage, just overcome with so many emotions, losing control. Making him able to do something that horrible, without becoming any worse as a character, without being hateable for it. Because of his reaction to it, as horrified at what he'd done as the audience should be. Making him question himself. "The one hard truth of the Wasteland, is that everypony has done something they regret"
Taking what could have just been some fun action bit about him making some badass escape, and instead doing... THAT with it.. it was hard to read, grim, sickening, maybe went a bit to detailed on the gorier aspects, and yet, so well executed, so full of meaning, emotion, setting up some rather major stuff for his growth as a character, giving him something to not just doubt the surface dwellers for, but even himself something that, could either lead to him sinking further and further down that slope, giving into that darker nature, or fight it, rise above it and use the horror at what he could do to keep himself from falling like that again and.... yeah as horrible and disturbing and hard to deal with as the scene was it, it was nonetheless a brilliantly done bit of writing to have that much emotion, that many conflicting feelings all going at once and setting up so much both about the world and the character.. just just..... that was.. I'll outright say it, it was a better use of raiders then the even the original managed to use.
And hello New Appleloosa.
HOW! Yeah yeah it's a sin of the original too. Still, of all the things it did explain, how the hell does that map updater work!?
Why would they? Wait this bring up another issue from earlier, how the hell did the raiders know what the Enclave was? It's not just here, other fics do it too. How the hell do ponies down on the ground know about anything going on up there? Yes that there are pegasi keeping the sky closed, but actually know about The Enclave itself? How? I know Littlepip was utterly lost about the ide, but she was from a Stable, still it never seemed like The Enclave were common knowledge before they came down. Not only that but why would the ponies in this town, above all others have any issues with pegasi given they all know Calamity? They should be one of the most welcoming towns for a pegasus freshly down from the clouds, assuming he's a new Dashite like Calamity. Especially one this beat up.
Again how the hell do they know!? And why would they assume that? Just, seems like they are being far far to antagonistic simply for the sake of conflict here.
Okay... I will at least give you that Railright was a colossal douche bag in the first place so, can't really be upset with him acting like one here too. But the rest of the townsponies?
Okay seriously, even for Railright this is unreasonably douchey just to add some really unneeded conflict, we had enough of that in the last scene, there is really no need for things to be this antagonistic. We did not see, at any point, even a hint of anti-pegasi sentiments anywhere in the original with Calamity until after the Enclave started genociding the surface. So why suddenly have the town least likely to have an issue with pegasi be the one acting so assholish? Just to reinforce Mach's view on the surface ponies being pathetic, useless slime?
Really? Calamity manged to make it down below with an entire set of Power Armor, despite being captured, branded, and forcibly exiled. Only reason I can think that makes any sense at all is, well, it's Calamity, he likely just stuffed it under his hat when nopony was looking as good as he is at looting stuff.
So, somepony choosing to say "Fuck you all!" and leave, wouldn't grab some stuff? Again you personally KNOW one of the only two dashites on the surface right now. (That we know of anyway) So you KNOW that can and does happen.
No story, that's a bad story. Can't work. The original was very explicit that Calamity's barding kept his brand covered up completely, and he made sure to keep it that way. Hell Littlepip and Velvet didn't even find out about the fact he'd been branded till they got to Manehatten and he finally showed them.
The only reason I'm not ranting a bit more about this, is... yeah it IS Railright, and he is a freaking idiotic asshole so, that does fit for him I guess.
And you've been gone how long? Okay story don't make Calamity into an idiot too. He'd be smart enough to know things could change, plus where else would Mach get all the rest of the stuff he has if he wasn't?
Now, while it is nice touch to point out how the whole wasteland recon thing is something new they just started doing, and that does fit, having it be done this way, not a big fan.
Hey Calamity, he's heard about you, now let's see if he's smarter then those civilians that instantly saw through the idiotic logic of him both killing his entire team and fleeing to the wastes, and him being captured and branded then exiled.
Ah, a fan, well good job there. Though he'd be more reviled and "you killed your own squad" and what not. Nice job there story.
Well to Calamity's credit it didn't take a whole lot for him to tell this was the right thing. Just one little incident helping out some ponies in need the moment he saw them.
Ah, you did hear the bit. Well I'd say this should be interesting, but given how things hav been so far in this town.....
Aw, passing out into blissful unconsciousness. Get used to it, you are an FOE protagonist now, it's going to be happening to you a lot.
Well, sorry it took so long to get back to this thing, missed a lot. Good opening ,nothing major, then that Raider scene.. I already went over that, such a well done bit of writing that really used the setting and raiders well, and set up what looks like it could be some really incredible bits of character growth and conflict for Mach.
New Appleloosa, already made clear my issue there, it makes no damn sense for them to be acting that way and it just adds unneeded conflict right after such an emotional moment that, it's just... did not care for it.
Now adding in Calamity. Okay I knew that was coming and been thinking about it for awhile how to respond. So far, he seems alright. Just, really really odd he'd encounter Mach, and yet at no point in all of the original mention having just met another pegasus. It's not like it outright breaks any canon I can think of, it just, makes it really really odd he wouldn't have mentioned this. Yeah, I can see where it's going, Calamity is going to go out with the caravan, shoot Littlepip, who will be out for awhile, and while she's recovering from that Mach will get fixed up and leave before Lil'pip wakes up. So should get some more talking between the two pegasi that might make it work but, it's not "RAWR EVIL DEFILER!" canon breaking and all the bad but, it is.. odd and, walking a tightrope. So will just see where it goes before saying anything more.
But what if the right hoof to get off on is the left hoof? And what about front and back hoofs? There are so many questions unanswered in the wasteland, and only one way to find answers!
Snffle, that line will hurt a lot of nerds for a long time to come