First time trying to review anything fanfic related, ever.
All in all, the pacing seems much less rushed.
One feels less dropped in the middle of it or hurriedly rushed from scene to scene compared to the original chapter. Having a prologue that gives the reader a quick rundown on Mach's life, his relations with his parents and hinting toward the reason for his predicament looks like the right choice rather than going straight for the fateful day.
Good to see the individual parts of what once was the first chapter fleshed out to feel more natural. Was amusing to see the little scuffle with Col. Astral drawn out a little more, funny that the eggheads would tolerate it a bit longer than they did in the original.
It feels more structured with the additional little hints to future things, like Air Raid, Astral's sky tank, among other things.Foreshadowing of a certain death?
His actions leading to him are more rational/plausible, ditto those of Gust & Gale. Interesting to see more emphasis on his dad's involvement and it makes sense that Mach would know it's related to his little secret, as established in the prologue.
4646176 Whoa holy crap an honest-to-goodness comparative review!
One of the primary issues I found people had with the first chapter was the pacing, so correcting that was near the top of the list. I'm certainly relieved to see that I've apparently managed to correct that issue. I suppose axing thousands of words of needless exposition and filling the void with even more narrative than the chapter originally had was just what I needed to fix that problem.
I had a feeling that the eggheads seemed to stay around longer than they did initially, and apparently that feeling was right on the mark. Ah well, having them stand around awkwardly a little longer isn't really a problem anyway.
I do love my foreshadowing. Most of this was to really build up on the origin of the animosity between Air Raid and Mach, the lack of which contributed to greatly weakening his character. I aim to build him up a lot more this time around, and you'll see that they go back just a bit farther than what I've shown in the original draft.
This was one of the biggest changes I wanted to make. After some discussion with a third party, I identified one of the core themes I sought to convey with the story--the importance of family. I'm planning on making that a much bigger part of the story, an overarching theme that I shall attempt to deliver through the course of the story, starting with Mach's selfless sacrifice here at the beginning.
Thank you very much for the review. I wouldn't worry too much about this being your first time, because you've done a pretty freakin' good job of it. I hope to have the revised chapter 2 (2-3 parts, it's looking like) done soon, and while I'd love to hear from you again, there is no pressure to review, of course.
From what I've seen so far, you have serious talent. This, in it's comparatively short length of four chapters, has impressed me as much as the likes of Heroes and Pink Eyes. The pacing is sound and Mach is just such a likeable character. I'm not one to wait, so I'm going to jump into the unrevised chapters.
4647759 Wow. That's high praise, and very nice of you to say. I do have to say that I'm surprised you like Mach as much as you do. I don't know if it's an effect of the rewrite, but most people find my supporting characters to be much more enjoyable than Mach.
4648478 Don't get me wrong, I enjoy their antics. I like Mach particually, though.
Not really sure why. Maybe it's because it's rare to see a pegasus protagonist done well in the FoE setting. The only other story I've seen to do that is MN7, which I consider to be actually better than the original Fallout Equestria.
4665245 Eh? I don't really see how what you said is much of a spoiler. Unless you're talking about Murky being a pegasus, which I've known for quite some time just because of fanart. If it's supposed to be discovered later on in the story, I didn't know until just now.
4718672 Ah, it's so nice to see the Old Guard returning. Now if only I could get more of you to pipe up...
As for the vacant park, that was a poor job on my part. I meant to imply that our mysterious stranger (wink) had gone through the trouble to arrange for a literal private meeting using his lofty connections. After all, this is a guy who barely anypony in the Enclave knows about, let alone have seen with their own two eyes. Revealing oneself in a crowded public park would have completely gone against the secretiveness of his position.
4751171 Stick a pin in that. Keep the relationship between these two at the back of your mind, because it's important. Also, glad to see you found your way over here from Memories! That Bobulator's a swell guy. I hope you enjoy what's to come, and I wish I had more for you to read, but these rewrites are an uphill battle.
Haven't started reading this yet, but why is this labeled complete if you're undergoing rewrites and the story is much longer than what you have posted here?
4767685 I just never got around to changing it back, and when it did dawn on me, I wasn't sure if I should leave it alone or not once I took the link to the old, completed version in the description into account. No one's mentioned it until now, so I didn't see it as an issue.
Hey Tofu, lookie at my fancy avatar! My review is going to be rather moment-to-moment - basically what occurred to me as I was reading the first 1+3 chapters. Don't get excited about the big post, it ended up very underwhelming. Keep in mind I'm super tired at this point, so I apologize if something here doesn't make sense or is wrong. If I do another one for the next chapter, I might gather my thoughts about these ones as well.
First things first, I found some of the expressions you used in the very beginning odd - they may be grammatically correct, but they stuck out as questionable to me. "Stupid indecisive, overdemanding body" - here I got a feeling that you wanted a comma after "stupid," although it's technically correct as is. "Keeping my eyes pinched shut tightly" - this isn't an expression I know, but it could exist.
I'm wondering if it's only Mach's father that's insistent on his son becoming independent, or if you consider this to be the prevalent way of thinking in the Enclave, like in 'murica. Also, Immelmann is not a pony name, even if it's a relevant reference, and I wouldn't give it a pass in this original form. The dialogue of the characters is very (strikingly) human in the introduction, which is pretty cool and helps show the original state of the characters to contrast their latter selves with. Mach's character is fine, it makes sense that he would develop into his rebellious self in the environment we've learned about, although I never really got the feel for why Mach is passionate about helping others, and even in the end his decision seemed to be fueled just as much by this as by him being fed up with the bureaucracy around him, which would make his final snap decision understandable. However, I don't think I understand the father character, or why Mach is allowed to have a full wonderbolt outfit and lots of paraphernalia despite the father's apparent opinion on the wonderbolts, or his wish to become one - I really feel like I'm missing something obvious here at first read.
It was a surprise to me that their pharmaceuticals were from the surface, given just how self-sufficient the Enclave is. Is this based on FoE lore, or what's the reason for it?
I assume Astral has gone through a few rounds of bleaching since her character creation, because "blacker than a starless midnight sky" is more black than the art of her I've seen is.
You seem to like turning... stuff on... people, such as the way you've revealed that Astral and Mach are siblings. In retrospect, the hurried pace Mach took to her building felt unjustified. The way the two of them behaved with each other also felt weird in the sense that they were extremely physical, I'm uncertain if this is intentional or not.
Duster and Mach seemed quite seriously pissy with each other despite supposedly being best friends, which made their relationship seem shallow, and in turn feel fake to me. The former's dialogue is well written as far as I can tell, but of course it doesn't lend itself to reading too easily.
I liked that you've went into explaining that Nocturne's bird needed a talisman to stay above (or rather, on) the clouds, but it kind of raises the question of how things don't just plunge down, like anything they bring up from the surface.
Okay, here's a pretty significant issue I have that seems to happen in Enclave stories, and that is outright taking something indisputably recognizable from a piece of media, and just inserting it into the story. In this case, I'm talking about your introducing Doc as Q from James Bond, and I just don't know what's the reason for it. What does this story gain that justifies almost outright copying something in an entirely different universe? How am I to appreciate this character when it isn't its own character at all but Q from James Bond (or the very least that's the mindset you put the reader in with his introduction)? And in the beginning of a story, it's such an overwhelming impression against what's actually original.
A gem being a video screen is not very intuitive to me. The way I see it, it's a gem, not a screen. A pet peeve of mine is when they are a 1:1 replacement of an electric device, like a battery, or a screen in this case, simplifying a supposedly magical artifact in the process. It just feels like an excuse to have electronics that aren't electronics, you know?
FoE Wiki says that "[The enclave's] weapon technology has not advanced much over the last 200 years, the latest innovation was made by Calamity, the Novasurge energy rifle." which makes Doc's existence in itself questionable. Sadly I don't know where this was mentioned in the story originally.
When Mach gets his ScoutBuck, I've briefly wondered why they let Mach walk out of the super-tight, super-protected research facility with a highly visible device on his head, I feel like an explanation was needed there besides us filling in the void with "Oh, Doc must have told them that Mach's okay to bring out this super-advanced piece of military hardware," or later on, with "They knew he needed it for the mission" (in which case he should have gotten a paper about it). Am I right in this, is this something Mach himself should have wondered, or am I misunderstanding and using rare Enclave-acquired resources for personal purposes is allowed for a pony in Doc's position?
On a lighter topic, things like Mach seeing Pip from the distance always remind me of HL:Opposing Force, do you know the game? Also, if I had to make a blind shot on some big, out of thin air reveal regarding Mach's family, I'd say he's adopted.
So, the second encounter with the mysterious pony. I quite enjoyed the writing there, it was at points humorous but still rather tense. On the other hand, him being disabled with a grenade made him look hilariously inept and unintimidating, which I feel wasn't the goal, and might even qualify as a dramatic blunder. To be completely fair, I never liked his character to begin with because he's more of an embodied entity than a person, and I find it hard to fit him into my image of the Enclave (or anything else), which, paired with his demeanor and high-tech equipment, just makes him unnecessarily attention-demanding and over the top for me, like the parody of a secret agent that makes me roll my eyes instead of creeping me out.
Then comes the part where Mach believes that everything depends on how much the Mysterious Pony heard, but then what about the mare they have just cuffed and gagged? Or does her word have no weight? Again, this likely needs an explanation.
After that, at the end of the chase scene, the characters who Mach spoke to (his sister, his friend) were basically swept aside while he was busy having a one on one conversation. It was as if they all ceased to exist, they took no further actions, said no further lines, which also cemented them as unimportant, at least for the time being. Mach recounting in a whole paragraph how much he hasn't slept feels a bit out of place in the middle of a high speed chase scene. I'm not saying it's bad, it just isn't a perfect fit.
All in all, I've had fun reading it, and it was rather well written (they sure use a lot of pegasus expressions, ha. But seriously, it's good.) but there is something nagging at me that I can't quite put my finger on. Maybe it just all slid apart for me after Q sorry made an appearance, and then the characters on Mach's side just became basically "10-seconders," seemingly only making a convenient appearance and nothing more. It's also possible that I've glanced over the more intricate, secretive parts of the plot. I really can't pin it down right now, I'll try to re-read and think about it some more.
4768849 I’ll give you those grammatical blunders. I probably could’ve worded that sentence better, though it wasn’t an arrangement of words I’d expect to be unfamiliar to a reader.
Mach’s father’s attitude is local to just his family, I didn’t intend for it to be seen as an Enclave-wide philosophy. I do agree with you about his name, but I wasn’t sure if it was wise or not to change it for the rewrite. Even now I’m still unsure if it’s too late. I’d imagine you also feel the same about Mach, although you haven’t said as much.
This one I’m not too sure on. Is it possible for a character—who isn’t a robot, or similar artificial intelligence—to sound inhuman? I only ask because you seem surprised here.
Contrary to what you see here, Mach used to be incredibly selfish, and still is to a degree. It was the recon patrols that started to push him towards his current way of thinking. You only get a glimpse of their relationship in the story’s beginning, but later it’s brought to the forefront that Mach has a soft spot for his sister, and would even bend over backward for her.
As for Mach’s father and the Wonderbolts, you haven’t missed anything. In fact, you haven’t had the opportunity to miss anything yet. Both Mach’s relationship with his father and his outlook on the Wonderbolts are all explained later on in the story.
That’s absolutely based on lore. In FoE, it’s said that the Enclave was running short on resources, and so raided the griffon kingdom to take what they needed to help the pegasi survive.
That’s just me having fun with metaphors. 0 RGB value ponies look like shit, anyway.
Yeah, I do stuff like that often. I’m not really sure why you feel like their interaction was weird, though. Or why you feel like it was unjustified that he hurried to her office. Mach’s been in command of the same squad for years, a decision to split him from two of his best friends out of nowhere is definitely going to upset him, even if the decision was (allegedly, to his knowledge at that point) made by his sister. These two are such close friends and care about each other so much that they don’t let things like military regulations stop them from having fun. A little sibling wrasslin’ isn’t uncommon between these two. They come from a childhood filled with noogies and birthday punchies.
Oh… I may not have very good friends, then. The interactions between Mach and Duster are very similar to the interactions I have with my best friend. People like to give me a hard time because my temper gets out of control very easily, and apparently it’s amusing when I’m angry. This is pretty much exactly what’s going on between these two.
I’ve had that discussion with a couple of people, and the most common consensus seemed to be that the cloudwalking magic pegasi possess innately can rub off on everyday objects, but does not work on living creatures.
I think this one was just a huge misunderstanding. Doc wasn’t at all supposed to represent Q. In fact, he was meant to be a huge reference to Doc Emmett Brown from Back to the Future. I even gave him obscene hair, a flux capacitor cutie mark, and he even utters a few of Doc Brown’s lines. While this doesn’t diminish your point at all, any similarities to Q are entirely coincidental.
That was a tough one for me. I wasn’t sure if I should go with normal technology, or one of the tech/magic hybrid devices that are so common in FoE. In the end, I decided that since it already had plenty of spell matrices and other magical innards, I should just go that direction with it.
That piece of wiki information was actually directly my fault. One of my readers and friends was the biggest contributor to the wiki until he burned out on it, and he took my word as gospel on this subject. The problem was, I hadn’t checked my facts on that one, and I referred to all Enclave energy rifles as Novasurge rifles. Towards the beginning of chapter twenty-nine, Calamity states:
“uh… well, she’s[Enclave power armor] got quad Novasurge rifles… muh own design…”
It’s never clear whether kkat meant the rifle itself, or the battle saddle that allowed him to mount up to four. I took it to mean the rifle, and when my buddy read that part of the story, he amended the wiki. This has since been changed to Sunburst rifles in the rewrite, to distance myself from that mistake.
This one boils down to Mach’s reputation as Doc’s field tester. The staff on base know that Mach is always testing equipment for Doc, and as such, him being allowed off the premises without Doc raising an alarm of any sort is seen as normal behavior.
I’m not familiar with that game, no. I’ll also come right out and say that Mach isn’t adopted, and I’m actually curious to know what gave you that impression.
It might not seem like it, but the pulse grenade was actually a huge Chekov’s Gun. Since you’ve never read the original, you won’t understand how important it is that Mach was able to stop him with a simple grenade. He’s hit and miss with people, I’ve found. There’s a bit more to him than most realize, and that’s one of the things I’m working to build up in the rewrite.
Mach isn’t very good at seeing past the immediate. She’s bound and gagged and unable to interfere, and so out of mind. His primary concern at this point is escape, and his plan doesn’t stand a chance at working if the pony has heard that he’s taking the fall for his father. You might think the gagged pony presents a plot hole because she’s heard everything, but she doesn’t. Every action has a consequence is all I’ll say on this matter.
Pushing the other characters to the side was more a necessity than anything. Mach is attempting to flee capture, so the last thing he wants to do is wind up stuck in a four-way conversation. That’s not to say an interjection here or there would not have gone out of place, though. I’ll concede that. There was simply just no time for Mach to answer the usual “Who is that?” and “What’s going on?” questions.
Mach’s fatigue was another Chekov’s Gun, though admittedly I brought it up a little abruptly. That’ll be expanded upon in a few chapters from now.
All in all, I've had fun reading it, and it was rather well written
I really want to believe that, but I’m having a difficult time of it. I’m very glad that you read it and took the time to give me your thoughts, but it just seems that statement is at odds with everything that was said before it.
I’d imagine you also feel the same about Mach, although you haven’t said as much.
I'm pretty lenient about the name Mach, it's a rather commonly used noun in the topic of flight and not as strongly associated with the person it's named after. I think the worst offense here is that it's a "-man(n)" name, that's a dead giveaway that it does not belong. Also, ties to a foreign language pop out as well.
This one I’m not too sure on. Is it possible for a character—who isn’t a robot, or similar artificial intelligence—to sound inhuman? I only ask because you seem surprised here.
Rare circumstances aside, nope. I was having some trouble putting into words what I mean, which is: yes, they feel real and that's good, but the dialogue also conjured up images of movies within me, hence the double meaning of "human" there. It's really not a problem, I guess it's just that this initial setting is something often seen in family movies, so the dialogue felt familiar.
I’m not really sure why you feel like their interaction was weird, though. Or why you feel like it was unjustified that he hurried to her office.
It was weird because he appeared genuinely upset and even angry on his way there, and none of that was felt when he got to asking his sister about what supposedly upset him, which implied to me that he was never upset and angry in the first place. So was he only acting upset to fool the reader? Lines like "Time to make her day even worse as payback for ruining mine before it even got started." don't seem to line up with their actually positive relationship, and that his arrival wasn't trouble for her at all, as he knew it wouldn't be. Don't feel like you've majorly messed up or anything because this is just my interpretation, but I have a hard time understanding this as a humorous/sarcastic remark.
This has nothing to do with their interactions per se, but what kind of daughter has a picture of their father on their desk? If this is related to anything, that's f**king clever. If it's merely a sign that his father was always more appreciative of his daughter instead of his son so she's attached to him, my excuse is that I have no sisters, and it's still a pretty cool way to show it.
People like to give me a hard time because my temper gets out of control very easily, and apparently it’s amusing when I’m angry. This is pretty much exactly what’s going on between these two.
What irked me at first read is how noxious and serious Mach seemed. Duster's cutie mark and place in the world appear as topics he's vulnerable about. He only makes a jab regarding Mach's current girlfriend, a very casual topic, so Mach bringing up something Duster appears (judging by his reaction) not in peace with seems just straight mean. Expressions like "I spat, my tone laced with pure venom." add to that - even if the sentence he said doesn't sound serious, I just had a hard time imagining a non serious venom-laced voice. I think I was expecting a dynamic where they both insult/provoke each other but do so in jest, which colors my criticism here, and what you did does work now that I've reread it, but it didn't give me the impression you were going for the first few times around. Like you said, I probably just misinterpreted it. Thinking back, it wasn't really that it felt "fake" as much as it felt lopsided, with Mach being the lead of the duo, and Duster the underdog in a semi-toxic friendship - in that single conversation in the mess hall I mean, which I probably shouldn't have extrapolated from. Now that I've reconsidered it and wrote this all out, I suppose this could be more of a sign of Mach's short temper and snappiness than a "staple" of their relationship, although he didn't appear unusually stressed at that time so it seems a bit unwarranted to me. But it's most likely that I'm just a shitty reader, and I really hate how the argument I made sounds, it's just bad analysis.
I was originally going to write a little sentence in case Doc wasn't meant to be Q, but I judged it too unlikely, so it's funny that it is an unfortunate accident. He just kind of stole the spotlight in a sense.
I’m not familiar with that game, no. I’ll also come right out and say that Mach isn’t adopted, and I’m actually curious to know what gave you that impression.
I brought up Opposing Force because the protagonist sees the protagonist of another game, that's all. Like I said, the adoption thing was just a blind guess, mostly because of the interesting outcomes that could arise from it.
Since you’ve never read the original, you won’t understand how important it is that Mach was able to stop him with a simple grenade.
I'm curious where that will go, then.
Mach isn’t very good at seeing past the immediate.
Neither is his father then, because he was there too, helping in neutralizing the mare. I would normally expect a dad to notice and rub it in how shitty his plan is, but it makes sense that he was too preoccupied with what his son was doing. I wonder if the dad realizes and takes steps about it.
I really want to believe that, but I’m having a difficult time of it.
I didn't really mention the good stuff, but basically everything else I didn't whine about was well done, drunk Mach was fun to read and the introduction was awesome I wonder if his mother died in the time frame after the introduction, which maybe swayed his father. I don't know enough about writing to be able to detail the sentence structure or what have you, but I can say that the story raised my interest with the path Mach chose, despite there being parts in that story that don't personally appeal to me (like you said, mystery pony is hit and miss, and you know how I am with Doc - my judgement is kinda clouded there).
4782228 He started out as legitimately angry, but seeing her harried by the group of weapon techs caused him to switch over to big brother mode. Upon further review, the comment about ruining her day does appear to come off as a bit more serious than I meant it to. It was merely supposed to be a thought that provided the reader with a reason for why he approached the situation like he did (teasing her to get a reaction out of her).
Indeed, Astral merely has the picture to represent her close bond with their father. This is explored further later on, and it’s eventually revealed that their father held a great deal of favoritism for his little daughter, to the point where Mach even used their close relationship as a slight in chapter 3. I too have no sisters (or brothers, for that matter), so Mach and Astral’s relationship is based completely on my idea of the ideal relationship between a brother and sister.
After rereading that portion, I can see where you’re coming from. Truth be told, I apparently made Mach’s replies a lot meaner here in the rewrite, because it didn’t come off as quite so personal an attack in the original draft.
Ah, you meant Mach seeing Littlepip when you were talking about Opposing Force? No, that was just a scene I used both to further cement Littlepip as the ‘spark’ that set things into motion, as well as a deeply symbolic reference to the effect kkat had on me with Fallout: Equestria.
Trust me, this goes somewhere. It takes a little bit of time for the reader to discover what comes of it, but I promise that when it does, you’ll agree that it’s appropriate.
His mother is still alive and quite healthy after the introduction (only a day has passed, and I’m fairly certain I mention once or twice that those events happened just yesterday), and in fact, it was her in the shower at the beginning of the first chapter. It makes me feel a good deal better to see a reply from you, and moreso that you’ve confirmed that you’re interested in it. I’ll try to pull my shit together and finish the next chapter’s worth of rewrites, because I’ve always felt that chapter 2 was a much better base for comparison for the way the rest of the story plays out.
No, that was just a scene I used both to further cement Littlepip as the ‘spark’ that set things into motion, as well as a deeply symbolic reference to the effect kkat had on me with Fallout: Equestria.
It's just a thing that always reminds me of Opposing Force - it's not unique to the game and I know you weren't referencing it, it's just a comparison that I can easily relate to. It's cool to hear there was a personal angle to it as well.
(only a day has passed, and I’m fairly certain I mention once or twice that those events happened just yesterday)
That was me forgetting stuff when I wrote my reply after two days, I should have re-read it to confirm before posting. I guess I forgot the details and only the contrast remained in my head between the family setting and the military setting.
Mach and Astral’s relationship is based completely on my idea of the ideal relationship between a brother and sister.
Yeah, it makes sense. I'd go into details but it's hard to gather my thoughts about it.
*WARNING TO FIRST TIME READERS. THIS IS A REVIEW FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS READ THE FIRST DRAFT THROUGH. POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHOY! SKIP THIS.*
Alright, I'm going to give my review of the first three chapters as one, since I'm familiar with them as one.
First of all, I'm going to remark that I haven't read the first rendition of the early chapters in well over a year, so this comparison will be with my previous impression of the story.
Chapter 1 The one thing that I noticed in this version compared to the previous is the building suspense. In the old version, it was all a case of things just getting out of hand very quickly, ie. the day started normal apart from the reassigned squads and ended badly. The intrigue only came in during the later chapters, especially when he read his father's journals. However between the both aspects of the mysterious Wraithwing appearing between these the prologue and the first chapter, as well as the remark that someone is ordering around top dog Immelmann around, a lot more questions are created than the first version in my opinion.
One other thing that I liked, in the first version though he were aware that Mach's dad was a general by the time he appeared, his appearance came suddenly and a bit out of the blue. The reaffirmation that he's on base, coupled with the suspense of being ordered there, will make his eventual appearance that more believable.
Chapter 2 Less to say about this chapter, though now I'm a bit saddened by the fact that that's all we'll see of Doc and Bella. I tend to be a fan of the Doc Brown-type characters.
Sorry this one's so brief.
Chapter 3 Alright, that was a massively different to the old version. I enjoyed it, Mach's character was driving it a lot more this time, being proactive instead of hell coming to him. As hard as it was, it was his own choice to go to the wasteland, not being forced to it by a mistake.
And once more appreciating the shadow of the Wraithwing, it'll make it so much more satisfying when the legends Mach heard become linked to the mysterious figure.
Also, we get meaningful character interaction between Mach and Immelmann, rocking and opposing, setting the tone for the rest of the story. Looking back on the old version, their only meeting we saw was too formal.
Only thing in three chapters I feel is worth mentioning is to a remark you made a good while back. You said that Mach using the rainboom to escape would be Mary-Sueish. Now, I always thought of a Mary-Sue as a character whose obstacles almost stepped out of the way by themselves. Being slightly overpowered isn't a crime, but being overpowered to the point that there's no challenge is. So Mach getting away using the rainboom was alright narratively. And personally, the use of the rainboom shows quite well Mach's skills and limits. Mach not using the 'boom there shades his abilities from us a degree. In summation, I preferred the flashy escape to the fall, but I don't hate the new descent so I'll withhold judgement until later. Maybe it'll lead into things better, because I certainly didn't expect the departure from the Enclave to go like that.
Well the start was strong, stronger than the original for the most part, and looking forward to experiencing Outlaw anew now. Good luck.
Well here we go. That was a pretty exciting escape if I do say so myself. Yeah, woosh, weeze, bang, la la boom! He went from his every day testing to seeing Little Pip. Haha, she's the pony of inspiration alright, and she inspired him to make his move. Granted he didn't get to do anything, the return home did allow him to save his father. It turns out in the end it was all for the better... (not really.) Of course, he had to do a good bit of work to save the old guy. And even then, it's questionable if the fart is out of trouble. His son pulled some risky stuff there and I'm not sure if I caught that one mare actually losing consciousness, just being restrained. Did they knock her out before going into their argument? What did the old fart delete? Is he related to Rainbow Dash somehow?
You're gonna try and put this story in alignment with Katt's original, meaning that might be a little difficult to achieve. Yet here you are, throwing him into the wasteland the same day Pip enters the fray. He's your reckless and bold sort of character to pull those things off. A lot of people would call him insane, stupid, iditiot, yet these traits are the same things that go into bravery. And damn did it take a lot for him to pull off his stunt. A good bit of luck went into this as well I'll imagine. A good bit of luck goes into a lot of stuff, but especially escapes.
It'll be interesting to see him go from taking on the enclave to taking on the wasteland. he started off with the impression of being a lazy stud who does the occasional job. A stud with potential, but held back by his family. Now he's free and thrust into a position to move or die. Given motivation to survive and do the right thing I eagerly await to see where it takes him now. This chapter was damn exciting! I ain't sure I have the capability to hunt down and give much critique. You had me jumping up from my chair several times during this chapter and spinning... I, uhm, spin, around in my room, when I'm excited, and my imagination is on a wurr... It's a good story when that happens... ^//^
I'll be throwing this here fic into my favorites now so I can keep up and not forget about it again. Hehe. Gonna stop reading for tonight and work on a little writing of my own. You're invited to check it out once I publish it, I think it might be a Fallout Equestria Story... You got my mind rolling, and I've been wanting to do a FoE story for a while. So, uhm, thanks? Have a good night and I'll continue with this awesome adventure tomorrow. Woot!
Ok, I had read a while ago to pre-rewrite a couple chapters past Mach and Greaser meeting, so there will be some comparison here.
Now, my overall view of the first three chapters and prologue: It is distinctly better than it was in many ways, though the transition left several... loose ends.
I don't recall Mach and Astral's relationship being as... Flamboyant previously. I like Astral, she interests me as a character I've been spoiled in that regard, to a lot of things actually, though I anticipate some changes overall, so I won't make assumptions. I know you've caught some flak in regards to the immersion breaking... Well, tustle, and generally their interactions in that scene. In particular that it is really unmilitary behavior. I agree with that assessment, and I don't need to say more there. I do like the dynamic between them, overall. I feel it could have been worked in differently, maybe in the prologue, but... Lasting impact, I'm glad it happened, even if how it was accomplished doesn't sit well. Admittedly, I fall into the camp of avidly awaiting that smut of them, canon or not.
Gust and Gale. I don't know if you plan to do much with them, but they are now established as characters, and I truly hope something will happen with them... Reason being, as it is, that whole mission feels... Odd. I never did like Mach ending up getting them killed, in how it played out. But with the change, the whole operation seems very involved for something that ends up being quite a letdown. It introduces the coilgun. It also introduces Mach's views of the surface, but there are two chapters of lead up, then the mission ends before it even begins, none of the things hinted at actually become relevant, and the climax of the chapter is something completely different. Gives the reader a bit of narrative whiplash.
Mach's dad was introduced better, the prologue helped, as did the earlier mentions of him. The problem is that it feels like the reader is missing information, post-rewrite. I understand there are some journals that pop up later, but as it is, the whole situation is really complex for what is ultimately a means of getting Mach to be on the run under the clouds. Also, he had his pistol... But he was being interrogated, presumably for treason. I can't see any reason he would still have that pistol at that point.
Solara and Duster... They didn't change much. I haven't been spoiled much aside from where they end up, but I for one would love to see more of them in general. Just sayin', there. Solara is a fun character. Though I don't recall the skytank scene being quite as sexy, well done. Solara doesn't get too much development here, but that solidified her character in the little bits.
Now, the very end, from the point that the (operative?) starts counting down? That is much better. Things I noted: the retrieval team aren't the Wonderbolts. Big point, I like the change. Makes his escape more believable, and I really don't think the WB would leave him like they did. Now, a trooper numpty team? Absolutely. His inability to pull off the redboom will make his eventual capacity to do it that much more interesting. Also, Pip probably would have seen the blast. It gives Mach a bit more... Chance to fail, I suppose. Everything doesn't quite go as easily as it did initially, and that gives more grounds to build upon.
Please don't take the criticism badly, I mean it to help, and I plan to keep reading regardless. The minor characters typically make or break fics for me, and that's definitely a point you improved upon with the rewrites, and you set things up to improve on them even more.
Also, kudos. I fucking love Mighty wings, and it fits Mach.
I'm Baaa~aaack. Yeah sorry for the wait, busy week, and had a few other projects needed to work on, so, where were we? Ah right, Dumb-flank was wondering what the worst that could happen was while bucking one of his former subordinates, in his CO's personal skytank, who also happens to be his sister, hours after being told he's under investigation as a security risk, while getting ready to go test a new uber-gun under the clouds. Yeah, things are going to be smooth sailing from here.
Well, that picture isn't creepy at all.......
Evidently, we’d fallen asleep sometime after our wild shenanigans.
You are just TRYING to get you flank busted aren't you? You manage to get the sexy time done with without getting caught, and then you two pass out while still there!? Evidence for you being some kind of secret masochist is rising steadily.
to see that night had fallen.
And this whole thing started just after dawn, and what he went through couldn't have taken more then a few hours so, wow you were totally passed the fuck out.
“Oh, shit! I’m late for the briefing!”
I'm guessing "I passed out after bucking my sort of marefreind's brains out in my sister personal tank" would be a very accepted excuse. And yet, getting the feeling everypony would believe it coming from you.
wore her charcoal-grey mane tied up in a bun while her younger sister had hers woven into a long braid.
I'd ask if they ever swapped mane styles just to fuck with people, but the impression I' getting so far seems to say they don't have enough of a sense of humor to care about trying it.
test the effectiveness of the prototype coilgun on alicorn shields.
Oh shit....
we’ll be flying out to the ruins of Canterlot.
..... aaand double that.. if ponies wore pants, now would be a good time to need to change them.
Not only will they be easier to locate, but effects of the Pink Cloud make the resident alicorns far less dangerous than the ones roaming free around the Wasteland.”
Hmmmm, well on the finding them, good idea, the only place you are more likely to locate them is Maripony itself, and doubt they want to fly right into The Goddess' stronghold. So, makes sense. Plus you all can fly out of the Pink, and possibly hover outside it to begin with.
As to the effects of the Pink making them easier to deal with..... Pink Cloud didn't weaken them at all, and they seemed, if not outright immune, at least highly resistant to it's effects. HOWEVER, it does remove their Hive Mind, and limit the pool of abilities to just what each Alicorn knows, not sharing all the spells Unity knows. Plus lack of a hive mind means they could ambush on or two without instantly alerting all of them if they do it quietly enough. Not to mention it means individual alicorns can be far more unpredictable. So, wording is a little iffy, but we don't know how much the Enclave really knows about the details, but enough that it could work.
Memories of nearly being slaughtered by alicorn magic flooded through my mind at the mere mention of Canterlot.
Huh, so this is a kind of common thing for The Enclave to try? Does make sense. Alicorns are the biggest single threat, so they would want to try to get experience taking them out. And Canterlot is abandoned, and far enough from any settlements that they could do this without being noticed by surface ponies, and also Canterlot is one of the biggest hellholes in the Wastes, so sending troops there would help reinforce the lies about what the surface is like. All while tossing troops into extremely deadly situations as if they don't give a buck about their safety. Cold, logical, and kind of dickish. Yup, seems like a perfect Enclave strategy.
I’ve been to Canterlot, and the alicorns there are no less deadly than anywhere else.
Ah, so it's not that they have reason to think the Alicorns there are less deadly, at least based on facts, they just assume they'd have to be weaker from being exposed to the Pink? While ignoring any of those nasty things like, basic facts and reality get in the way of them declaring things to be how they wish them to be?
Or shall I consider this an act of disobedience and insubordination?
Oh go buck yourself bitch. Yeah I am not liking these two. But in the good, entirely Watsonian, 'they are assholes' kind of way. Not the Doyalist, 'they are shitty characters' type of way.
just be sure that you exercise a modicum of common sense.
Yeah, doing that went out the window the instant "Go look for Alicorns in Canterlot" was considered to be a viable idea.
a long-range markspony or sniper rifle.
Okay, so, long range markspony rifle? I think I might have an idea what that means, just a long range rifle, that isn't specifically made to be a sniper rifle? Hmmm, okay tangent I really don't need to go off on.
You’ve made life a little less boring for me, and testing out all your little toys has been fun.
D'awwwwwwww... and also.. yup Mach is just trying to have fate kick him in the nuts now.
or you’ll have earned my wrath. Believe me, you don’t want to earn my wrath,
Yeah, you REALLY don't want to piss off a guy who makes new ways of blowing stuff up for a living.
Ponies said that once upon a time, there had been a series of craters on the moon’s surface that formed a mare’s head, but whether or not that was true was a mystery.
Ohh, interesting bit of mythology to survive. And makes sense. 1000 years of having the Mare in the Moon up there, versus only about 35 or so between Luna's return and the End. Yeah, no surprise that gets remembered more, has more stories about it and what not.
“Let’s go make some really bad life choices.”
And I get the feeling you are about to make a lot more 'bad' choices then you think.
It was deplorable the way those dirt-munchers lived down there
Gee, maybe if someponies weren't being assholes and refusing to help them for no damn good reason beyond being a bunch of stuck up, elitist, assholes who don't give a fuck about anything but heir own well being and power, maybe they wouldn't HAVE to live like that.
We'd overcome the chaos of war very quickly after it had ended
Yeah, its amazing how much easier it is to recover when you only lost one city, and had a full population, and all the infrastructure left, with nothing needing to be rebuilt. Versus having everything bombed into ruins, and the land itself an irradiated death trap for decades afterwards, with re-population only slowly taking place over time, in a much much more resource scarce environment, where even self sustaining farming isn't a viable option, not only through lack of fertile, non-toxic land, but because SOME assholes are keeping out the sunlight.
If we could do it, why couldn't they?
Because for all their issues, they still aren't the same level of utter assholes The Enclave are, and not even they are fucked up enough to do what the Enclave does.
The answer was simple—they weren't trying hard enough.
I sighed and shook my head. Pathetic, the lot of them.
Oh fuck you Mach. You know, was getting ready to feel sorry for you with what's coming, but now.. I'm looking forward to it. Time for you to get that high and mighty, elitist bullshit crammed right back down your throat jackass.
Yet, I do like this, and his point of view DOES make sense. He's dealing with a lifetime of propaganda, of being told how things are, trying to rationalize what he's told by the Enclave with what he's seen below. That way of thinking simply seems natural to him. Like I said earlier, and is more clear here. While Calamity was Chaotic Good, with emphasis on the Good, on helping others, Mach is Chaotic Good with emphasis on the Chaotic. Mach is more internally driven. He cares more about himself, about having fun, sure he's clearly not the same level of asshole as your standard Enclave diehard, but he's also not really going to go out of his way to find ponies to help. He simply wants to live his life in peace, have some fun, and isn't really that worried about others beyond how they impact him. So he rationalizes away any bad feelings about the state of the ground ponies. Uses the propaganda he's been told without questioning it. He's extremely sheltered without realizing it, doesn't see the root causes of the issues, just assumes "If we could do it, they could if they wanted to" without realizing the differences. He's not being malicious about it, just, lazy. To lazy to question what he's been told, to try and thinking about things, to question his own assumptions. It's a position that, like I said does make sense, and will provided a really great arc seeing him deal with how wrong he's been, and actually having to deal with how his views on both the Enclave and the surface are different from reality.
But I still want to slap him upside the head a few times for it.
Its automap function had been notifying me each time we passed a location of significance
Automaps, how the buck do they work!? How do they know the exact name of places, know what places are special, and yet, not be able to display them until a pony finds them? One of the great mysterious of PipBucks that not even FOE could explain. That and how the hell the EFS could tell Friend from Foe so easily and quickly, and accurately.
focusing my attention on a small scuffle that had broken out by a bridge
Oh hai Littlepip! So we have a time frame established, this IS the night Littlepip left the Stables. Going to be interesting seeing how Mach's story weaves around Littlepip's without crossing in anyway that would stand out as odd to not have been mentioned in FOE.
It wasn't every day you saw a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed stable pony get her first reality check.
Keep talking, it'll just make you getting YOUR reality check all the sweeter.
Must be nice to live such a cushy, privileged life. The rest of us actually have to work for a living.
Loving the double meaning statements like this.
The way the twins had goaded me into reacting seemed entirely too suspicious.
Ya think? Even for such utter assholes, that seems a little to planed out. Yeah they were just looking for a reason to screw you over from the start. And at least you realize it. But now the question is, why? Just petty revenge, them not liking you and wanting to be bullies? Or, something larger at work?
Why had that mare drawn my interest when I never spared a passing glance for anypony else
Fate? Or, just wanting to watch a good fight?
Why was Astral waiting for me to return?
Well, either something going on with their dad, or she got some orders,or learned about some orders, that prove how fucked Mach is.
but there was no way purging those records was worth the penalty for high treason.
Hello massive plot hook.... that I have NO damn clue where to even begin guessing at, but so can't wait to start finding out hints for it.
my path—and my future—had apparently been chosen for me.
Well, this is debatable and don't agree with it, but is clear Mach believes in fate of this kind.
That was when my eyes fell on the coilgun’s barrel, just barely visible in my peripheral vision.
“Bingo.”
The ultimate lockpick. Not to mention that is going to make one HELL of an impression.
and though I didn’t really like my dad, I didn’t exactly want to kill him,
Also really love the complicated relationship these two have, and how well it's used and made clear. Just great job on that one.
disengaged the trigger safety,
.. what, that is something so basic and simple and should be common sense to have, it's scary how odd actually seeing it really can be. Just proves how much thought went into this story.
I slipped my hoof free before it closed and drove upward into his jaw in a brutal uppercut.
PONYUKEN!
I’m doing it because it’s the right thing to do,
And this is why, for all the wanting to smack him for his BS about the surface ponies, I do love Mach. He does want to do the right thing, he just has a lifetime of cultural conditioning telling him what that is in regards to the surface. But it's clear under that, he wants to do the right thing, and will be able to come to grips and see through the propaganda and lies when forced to confront them. And just really eager to see that growth in him.
the door to the room swung open seemingly on its own.
Doors, the true bane of all invisibility spells.
Who knows? Pending a full investigation, all the charges could be dropped.
Yeah there is something REALLY huge going on here, way bigger then Mach knows.....
wait... wait wait wait wait....
I immediately lunged for my father’s pistol holster, seizing the mouthgrip between my teeth and wrenching it free
Why in the bucking nine layers of Tartarus, was he allowed to keep his gun!? Why the hell would they let somepony being interrogated for treason keep a weapon on him!?
the prejudiced against the Enclave sure will.
"The Enclave" that nearly nopony down there knows about? Beyond maybe a few rumors and half whispered stories?
Today wasn’t a good day
That is one hell of an understatement.
and I suddenly felt myself halted and rebounded
Hey, that's also a good way to lose your pursuers. Also rather glad he didn't do a Rainboom, but will get into that later.
in one of the most dangerous places in Equestria, no less.
I’d just landed in the Everfree Forest.
Well, at least you avoided going to Canterlot?
Well, not sure what else to say.. didn't say much for the last chunk, mostly because it was so quick, tense, and and awesome, wasn't sure what to say, or wanting to stop and break the flow but, DAMN was that escape awesome. Also running short on time to get this done before work So yeah got more to say, but will save it for the response, short version, loved it! And now things are in motion. Also, was wondering about the lack of "Level up" stuff, but yeah, knowing this was all one huge chapter broken up explains that. And yeah think the division helps. Okay, more I want to say, but that would push this back to tonight and want to get this out so, will reply more later.
Great start to a story and really looking forward to more.
I don't perfectly remember the first version of these events, as it's been a while, but this version strikes me a being a notable improvement in how well it all fits together. Though, fwiw, it /is/ pretty convenient that Mach's dad didn't immediately get dragged to some other location for interrogation when he was arrested.
I'd also comment that it's kinda amazing Mach is saying there's no society in the Wasteland. How has he not seen Fillydelphia yet? I mean I don't expect anyone from the Enclave likes it any more than the rest of the Wasteland, but that's to be expected. Militaristic dictatorships tend not to like each other overmuch.
Once upon a time did I feel like I wrote monster comments, and then do I scroll trough the comments on this chapter and have all of my comments combined shadowed… ehh, must just hope that I can make up for quantity with quality.
Gosh, there sure isn't much love for the wastelanders and their situation... It's not as if someone kinda stole the sunshine away from them so they can't grow food and are lacking vitamin D which can lead to depression or something. Nope not at all.
Wait... so the dad is getting interrogated for some shit, the son framed for some other... But the daughter gets to keep her high rank and he his nice big boomy toy after his loyalty have been put in question. Unless the railgun is used as to set someone up, someone having been killed with another prototype, does it not make any sense that he got to keep it.
Wait... he are flying around with both a prototype coil gun, a ton of ammo for it, and later get a machine gun as well... How many SPECIAL points did he put into Strength? Honestly are he slowly beginning to smell a bit like a Marty Stu with how easily he could talk himself out of an interrogation room while wearing a giant gun on his back, those does normally not give any bonuses to Charisma checks after all. If it is all an ellaporate plan to get rid of him can I get it... but it would have been just as easy to take him to Canterlot, test the weapon, and then shoot him in the back on the way home and blame an alicorn for the giant blood smear.
Nitpicks: "I whirled around when I heard the door open behind me, and watched as Doc strolled through the door towards me." Is it not a bit redundant to mention the door twice… unless it is a really nice door that is! "I slowed to hover and squint down at the small town beneath me" is squint not present tense? “…I am.” Only thing you are is missing a space here. "“As you have confessed to a crime against the Grand Pegasus Enclave and her ponies" I ain't sure, but should it not be a capital letter here since you are personifying the countries/organizations
Hehey, it's about time you posted this! Told ya the countdown was a great idea.
Goddamnit, I hadn't read the last few chapters and was like "I'll read them later sometime" and now you remove them all for rewrite.
EDIT: herp, nevermind, missed that link in the description.
well this is alot different than the first
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I'm still not entirely convinced, sir.
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That's the idea! :D
Was there any copies of the old story, or did it end and i didnt read it?
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I've left a link to the completed story in the description, just in case anyone wants to read the story pre-rewrite!
Keep em coming friend really enjoying these
Well, here goes nothin'.
First time trying to review anything fanfic related, ever.
All in all, the pacing seems much less rushed.
One feels less dropped in the middle of it or hurriedly rushed from scene to scene compared to the original chapter.
Having a prologue that gives the reader a quick rundown on Mach's life, his relations with his parents and hinting toward the reason for his predicament looks like the right choice rather than going straight for the fateful day.
Good to see the individual parts of what once was the first chapter fleshed out to feel more natural.
Was amusing to see the little scuffle with Col. Astral drawn out a little more, funny that the eggheads would tolerate it a bit longer than they did in the original.
It feels more structured with the additional little hints to future things, like Air Raid, Astral's sky tank, among other things.Foreshadowing of a certain death?
His actions leading to him are more rational/plausible, ditto those of Gust & Gale.
Interesting to see more emphasis on his dad's involvement and it makes sense that Mach would know it's related to his little secret, as established in the prologue.
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Whoa holy crap an honest-to-goodness comparative review!
One of the primary issues I found people had with the first chapter was the pacing, so correcting that was near the top of the list. I'm certainly relieved to see that I've apparently managed to correct that issue. I suppose axing thousands of words of needless exposition and filling the void with even more narrative than the chapter originally had was just what I needed to fix that problem.
I had a feeling that the eggheads seemed to stay around longer than they did initially, and apparently that feeling was right on the mark. Ah well, having them stand around awkwardly a little longer isn't really a problem anyway.
I do love my foreshadowing. Most of this was to really build up on the origin of the animosity between Air Raid and Mach, the lack of which contributed to greatly weakening his character. I aim to build him up a lot more this time around, and you'll see that they go back just a bit farther than what I've shown in the original draft.
This was one of the biggest changes I wanted to make. After some discussion with a third party, I identified one of the core themes I sought to convey with the story--the importance of family. I'm planning on making that a much bigger part of the story, an overarching theme that I shall attempt to deliver through the course of the story, starting with Mach's selfless sacrifice here at the beginning.
Thank you very much for the review. I wouldn't worry too much about this being your first time, because you've done a pretty freakin' good job of it. I hope to have the revised chapter 2 (2-3 parts, it's looking like) done soon, and while I'd love to hear from you again, there is no pressure to review, of course.
From what I've seen so far, you have serious talent. This, in it's comparatively short length of four chapters, has impressed me as much as the likes of Heroes and Pink Eyes. The pacing is sound and Mach is just such a likeable character. I'm not one to wait, so I'm going to jump into the unrevised chapters.
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Wow. That's high praise, and very nice of you to say. I do have to say that I'm surprised you like Mach as much as you do. I don't know if it's an effect of the rewrite, but most people find my supporting characters to be much more enjoyable than Mach.
4648478 Don't get me wrong, I enjoy their antics. I like Mach particually, though.
Not really sure why. Maybe it's because it's rare to see a pegasus protagonist done well in the FoE setting. The only other story I've seen to do that is MN7, which I consider to be actually better than the original Fallout Equestria.
4648478 Oh god. I really hope I didn't just spoil MN7 for you...
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Eh? I don't really see how what you said is much of a spoiler. Unless you're talking about Murky being a pegasus, which I've known for quite some time just because of fanart. If it's supposed to be discovered later on in the story, I didn't know until just now.
4665511 whew. ok, good
Tofu, on the un-revised version of the story, the link to chapter 11 leads chapter 10. Hoping you could fix this.
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Fixed! Thanks for pointing it out!
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Ah, it's so nice to see the Old Guard returning. Now if only I could get more of you to pipe up...
As for the vacant park, that was a poor job on my part. I meant to imply that our mysterious stranger (wink) had gone through the trouble to arrange for a literal private meeting using his lofty connections. After all, this is a guy who barely anypony in the Enclave knows about, let alone have seen with their own two eyes. Revealing oneself in a crowded public park would have completely gone against the secretiveness of his position.
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Stick a pin in that. Keep the relationship between these two at the back of your mind, because it's important. Also, glad to see you found your way over here from Memories! That Bobulator's a swell guy. I hope you enjoy what's to come, and I wish I had more for you to read, but these rewrites are an uphill battle.
Haven't started reading this yet, but why is this labeled complete if you're undergoing rewrites and the story is much longer than what you have posted here?
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I just never got around to changing it back, and when it did dawn on me, I wasn't sure if I should leave it alone or not once I took the link to the old, completed version in the description into account. No one's mentioned it until now, so I didn't see it as an issue.
Hey Tofu, lookie at my fancy avatar! My review is going to be rather moment-to-moment - basically what occurred to me as I was reading the first 1+3 chapters.
Don't get excited about the big post, it ended up very underwhelming. Keep in mind I'm super tired at this point, so I apologize if something here doesn't make sense or is wrong. If I do another one for the next chapter, I might gather my thoughts about these ones as well.
First things first, I found some of the expressions you used in the very beginning odd - they may be grammatically correct, but they stuck out as questionable to me.
"Stupid indecisive, overdemanding body" - here I got a feeling that you wanted a comma after "stupid," although it's technically correct as is.
"Keeping my eyes pinched shut tightly" - this isn't an expression I know, but it could exist.
I'm wondering if it's only Mach's father that's insistent on his son becoming independent, or if you consider this to be the prevalent way of thinking in the Enclave, like in 'murica. Also, Immelmann is not a pony name, even if it's a relevant reference, and I wouldn't give it a pass in this original form.
The dialogue of the characters is very (strikingly) human in the introduction, which is pretty cool and helps show the original state of the characters to contrast their latter selves with.
Mach's character is fine, it makes sense that he would develop into his rebellious self in the environment we've learned about, although I never really got the feel for why Mach is passionate about helping others, and even in the end his decision seemed to be fueled just as much by this as by him being fed up with the bureaucracy around him, which would make his final snap decision understandable. However, I don't think I understand the father character, or why Mach is allowed to have a full wonderbolt outfit and lots of paraphernalia despite the father's apparent opinion on the wonderbolts, or his wish to become one - I really feel like I'm missing something obvious here at first read.
It was a surprise to me that their pharmaceuticals were from the surface, given just how self-sufficient the Enclave is. Is this based on FoE lore, or what's the reason for it?
I assume Astral has gone through a few rounds of bleaching since her character creation, because "blacker than a starless midnight sky" is more black than the art of her I've seen is.
You seem to like turning... stuff on... people, such as the way you've revealed that Astral and Mach are siblings. In retrospect, the hurried pace Mach took to her building felt unjustified. The way the two of them behaved with each other also felt weird in the sense that they were extremely physical, I'm uncertain if this is intentional or not.
Duster and Mach seemed quite seriously pissy with each other despite supposedly being best friends, which made their relationship seem shallow, and in turn feel fake to me. The former's dialogue is well written as far as I can tell, but of course it doesn't lend itself to reading too easily.
I liked that you've went into explaining that Nocturne's bird needed a talisman to stay above (or rather, on) the clouds, but it kind of raises the question of how things don't just plunge down, like anything they bring up from the surface.
Okay, here's a pretty significant issue I have that seems to happen in Enclave stories, and that is outright taking something indisputably recognizable from a piece of media, and just inserting it into the story. In this case, I'm talking about your introducing Doc as Q from James Bond, and I just don't know what's the reason for it. What does this story gain that justifies almost outright copying something in an entirely different universe? How am I to appreciate this character when it isn't its own character at all but Q from James Bond (or the very least that's the mindset you put the reader in with his introduction)?
And in the beginning of a story, it's such an overwhelming impression against what's actually original.
A gem being a video screen is not very intuitive to me. The way I see it, it's a gem, not a screen. A pet peeve of mine is when they are a 1:1 replacement of an electric device, like a battery, or a screen in this case, simplifying a supposedly magical artifact in the process. It just feels like an excuse to have electronics that aren't electronics, you know?
FoE Wiki says that "[The enclave's] weapon technology has not advanced much over the last 200 years, the latest innovation was made by Calamity, the Novasurge energy rifle." which makes Doc's existence in itself questionable. Sadly I don't know where this was mentioned in the story originally.
When Mach gets his ScoutBuck, I've briefly wondered why they let Mach walk out of the super-tight, super-protected research facility with a highly visible device on his head, I feel like an explanation was needed there besides us filling in the void with "Oh, Doc must have told them that Mach's okay to bring out this super-advanced piece of military hardware," or later on, with "They knew he needed it for the mission" (in which case he should have gotten a paper about it). Am I right in this, is this something Mach himself should have wondered, or am I misunderstanding and using rare Enclave-acquired resources for personal purposes is allowed for a pony in Doc's position?
On a lighter topic, things like Mach seeing Pip from the distance always remind me of HL:Opposing Force, do you know the game? Also, if I had to make a blind shot on some big, out of thin air reveal regarding Mach's family, I'd say he's adopted.
So, the second encounter with the mysterious pony. I quite enjoyed the writing there, it was at points humorous but still rather tense. On the other hand, him being disabled with a grenade made him look hilariously inept and unintimidating, which I feel wasn't the goal, and might even qualify as a dramatic blunder.
To be completely fair, I never liked his character to begin with because he's more of an embodied entity than a person, and I find it hard to fit him into my image of the Enclave (or anything else), which, paired with his demeanor and high-tech equipment, just makes him unnecessarily attention-demanding and over the top for me, like the parody of a secret agent that makes me roll my eyes instead of creeping me out.
Then comes the part where Mach believes that everything depends on how much the Mysterious Pony heard, but then what about the mare they have just cuffed and gagged? Or does her word have no weight? Again, this likely needs an explanation.
After that, at the end of the chase scene, the characters who Mach spoke to (his sister, his friend) were basically swept aside while he was busy having a one on one conversation. It was as if they all ceased to exist, they took no further actions, said no further lines, which also cemented them as unimportant, at least for the time being.
Mach recounting in a whole paragraph how much he hasn't slept feels a bit out of place in the middle of a high speed chase scene. I'm not saying it's bad, it just isn't a perfect fit.
All in all, I've had fun reading it, and it was rather well written (they sure use a lot of pegasus expressions, ha. But seriously, it's good.) but there is something nagging at me that I can't quite put my finger on. Maybe it just all slid apart for me after Q sorry made an appearance, and then the characters on Mach's side just became basically "10-seconders," seemingly only making a convenient appearance and nothing more. It's also possible that I've glanced over the more intricate, secretive parts of the plot.
I really can't pin it down right now, I'll try to re-read and think about it some more.
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I’ll give you those grammatical blunders. I probably could’ve worded that sentence better, though it wasn’t an arrangement of words I’d expect to be unfamiliar to a reader.
Mach’s father’s attitude is local to just his family, I didn’t intend for it to be seen as an Enclave-wide philosophy. I do agree with you about his name, but I wasn’t sure if it was wise or not to change it for the rewrite. Even now I’m still unsure if it’s too late. I’d imagine you also feel the same about Mach, although you haven’t said as much.
This one I’m not too sure on. Is it possible for a character—who isn’t a robot, or similar artificial intelligence—to sound inhuman? I only ask because you seem surprised here.
Contrary to what you see here, Mach used to be incredibly selfish, and still is to a degree. It was the recon patrols that started to push him towards his current way of thinking. You only get a glimpse of their relationship in the story’s beginning, but later it’s brought to the forefront that Mach has a soft spot for his sister, and would even bend over backward for her.
As for Mach’s father and the Wonderbolts, you haven’t missed anything. In fact, you haven’t had the opportunity to miss anything yet. Both Mach’s relationship with his father and his outlook on the Wonderbolts are all explained later on in the story.
That’s absolutely based on lore. In FoE, it’s said that the Enclave was running short on resources, and so raided the griffon kingdom to take what they needed to help the pegasi survive.
That’s just me having fun with metaphors. 0 RGB value ponies look like shit, anyway.
Yeah, I do stuff like that often. I’m not really sure why you feel like their interaction was weird, though. Or why you feel like it was unjustified that he hurried to her office. Mach’s been in command of the same squad for years, a decision to split him from two of his best friends out of nowhere is definitely going to upset him, even if the decision was (allegedly, to his knowledge at that point) made by his sister. These two are such close friends and care about each other so much that they don’t let things like military regulations stop them from having fun. A little sibling wrasslin’ isn’t uncommon between these two. They come from a childhood filled with noogies and birthday punchies.
Oh… I may not have very good friends, then. The interactions between Mach and Duster are very similar to the interactions I have with my best friend. People like to give me a hard time because my temper gets out of control very easily, and apparently it’s amusing when I’m angry. This is pretty much exactly what’s going on between these two.
I’ve had that discussion with a couple of people, and the most common consensus seemed to be that the cloudwalking magic pegasi possess innately can rub off on everyday objects, but does not work on living creatures.
I think this one was just a huge misunderstanding. Doc wasn’t at all supposed to represent Q. In fact, he was meant to be a huge reference to Doc Emmett Brown from Back to the Future. I even gave him obscene hair, a flux capacitor cutie mark, and he even utters a few of Doc Brown’s lines. While this doesn’t diminish your point at all, any similarities to Q are entirely coincidental.
That was a tough one for me. I wasn’t sure if I should go with normal technology, or one of the tech/magic hybrid devices that are so common in FoE. In the end, I decided that since it already had plenty of spell matrices and other magical innards, I should just go that direction with it.
That piece of wiki information was actually directly my fault. One of my readers and friends was the biggest contributor to the wiki until he burned out on it, and he took my word as gospel on this subject. The problem was, I hadn’t checked my facts on that one, and I referred to all Enclave energy rifles as Novasurge rifles. Towards the beginning of chapter twenty-nine, Calamity states:
It’s never clear whether kkat meant the rifle itself, or the battle saddle that allowed him to mount up to four. I took it to mean the rifle, and when my buddy read that part of the story, he amended the wiki. This has since been changed to Sunburst rifles in the rewrite, to distance myself from that mistake.
This one boils down to Mach’s reputation as Doc’s field tester. The staff on base know that Mach is always testing equipment for Doc, and as such, him being allowed off the premises without Doc raising an alarm of any sort is seen as normal behavior.
I’m not familiar with that game, no. I’ll also come right out and say that Mach isn’t adopted, and I’m actually curious to know what gave you that impression.
It might not seem like it, but the pulse grenade was actually a huge Chekov’s Gun. Since you’ve never read the original, you won’t understand how important it is that Mach was able to stop him with a simple grenade. He’s hit and miss with people, I’ve found. There’s a bit more to him than most realize, and that’s one of the things I’m working to build up in the rewrite.
Mach isn’t very good at seeing past the immediate. She’s bound and gagged and unable to interfere, and so out of mind. His primary concern at this point is escape, and his plan doesn’t stand a chance at working if the pony has heard that he’s taking the fall for his father. You might think the gagged pony presents a plot hole because she’s heard everything, but she doesn’t. Every action has a consequence is all I’ll say on this matter.
Pushing the other characters to the side was more a necessity than anything. Mach is attempting to flee capture, so the last thing he wants to do is wind up stuck in a four-way conversation. That’s not to say an interjection here or there would not have gone out of place, though. I’ll concede that. There was simply just no time for Mach to answer the usual “Who is that?” and “What’s going on?” questions.
Mach’s fatigue was another Chekov’s Gun, though admittedly I brought it up a little abruptly. That’ll be expanded upon in a few chapters from now.
I really want to believe that, but I’m having a difficult time of it. I’m very glad that you read it and took the time to give me your thoughts, but it just seems that statement is at odds with everything that was said before it.
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I'm pretty lenient about the name Mach, it's a rather commonly used noun in the topic of flight and not as strongly associated with the person it's named after. I think the worst offense here is that it's a "-man(n)" name, that's a dead giveaway that it does not belong. Also, ties to a foreign language pop out as well.
Rare circumstances aside, nope. I was having some trouble putting into words what I mean, which is: yes, they feel real and that's good, but the dialogue also conjured up images of movies within me, hence the double meaning of "human" there. It's really not a problem, I guess it's just that this initial setting is something often seen in family movies, so the dialogue felt familiar.
It was weird because he appeared genuinely upset and even angry on his way there, and none of that was felt when he got to asking his sister about what supposedly upset him, which implied to me that he was never upset and angry in the first place. So was he only acting upset to fool the reader? Lines like "Time to make her day even worse as payback for ruining mine before it even got started." don't seem to line up with their actually positive relationship, and that his arrival wasn't trouble for her at all, as he knew it wouldn't be.
Don't feel like you've majorly messed up or anything because this is just my interpretation, but I have a hard time understanding this as a humorous/sarcastic remark.
This has nothing to do with their interactions per se, but what kind of daughter has a picture of their father on their desk? If this is related to anything, that's f**king clever. If it's merely a sign that his father was always more appreciative of his daughter instead of his son so she's attached to him, my excuse is that I have no sisters, and it's still a pretty cool way to show it.
What irked me at first read is how noxious and serious Mach seemed. Duster's cutie mark and place in the world appear as topics he's vulnerable about. He only makes a jab regarding Mach's current girlfriend, a very casual topic, so Mach bringing up something Duster appears (judging by his reaction) not in peace with seems just straight mean. Expressions like "I spat, my tone laced with pure venom." add to that - even if the sentence he said doesn't sound serious, I just had a hard time imagining a non serious venom-laced voice.
I think I was expecting a dynamic where they both insult/provoke each other but do so in jest, which colors my criticism here, and what you did does work now that I've reread it, but it didn't give me the impression you were going for the first few times around. Like you said, I probably just misinterpreted it. Thinking back, it wasn't really that it felt "fake" as much as it felt lopsided, with Mach being the lead of the duo, and Duster the underdog in a semi-toxic friendship - in that single conversation in the mess hall I mean, which I probably shouldn't have extrapolated from.
Now that I've reconsidered it and wrote this all out, I suppose this could be more of a sign of Mach's short temper and snappiness than a "staple" of their relationship, although he didn't appear unusually stressed at that time so it seems a bit unwarranted to me.
But it's most likely that I'm just a shitty reader, and I really hate how the argument I made sounds, it's just bad analysis.
I was originally going to write a little sentence in case Doc wasn't meant to be Q, but I judged it too unlikely, so it's funny that it is an unfortunate accident. He just kind of stole the spotlight in a sense.
I brought up Opposing Force because the protagonist sees the protagonist of another game, that's all.
Like I said, the adoption thing was just a blind guess, mostly because of the interesting outcomes that could arise from it.
I'm curious where that will go, then.
Neither is his father then, because he was there too, helping in neutralizing the mare. I would normally expect a dad to notice and rub it in how shitty his plan is, but it makes sense that he was too preoccupied with what his son was doing. I wonder if the dad realizes and takes steps about it.
I didn't really mention the good stuff, but basically everything else I didn't whine about was well done, drunk Mach was fun to read and the introduction was awesome I wonder if his mother died in the time frame after the introduction, which maybe swayed his father. I don't know enough about writing to be able to detail the sentence structure or what have you, but I can say that the story raised my interest with the path Mach chose, despite there being parts in that story that don't personally appeal to me (like you said, mystery pony is hit and miss, and you know how I am with Doc - my judgement is kinda clouded there).
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He started out as legitimately angry, but seeing her harried by the group of weapon techs caused him to switch over to big brother mode. Upon further review, the comment about ruining her day does appear to come off as a bit more serious than I meant it to. It was merely supposed to be a thought that provided the reader with a reason for why he approached the situation like he did (teasing her to get a reaction out of her).
Indeed, Astral merely has the picture to represent her close bond with their father. This is explored further later on, and it’s eventually revealed that their father held a great deal of favoritism for his little daughter, to the point where Mach even used their close relationship as a slight in chapter 3. I too have no sisters (or brothers, for that matter), so Mach and Astral’s relationship is based completely on my idea of the ideal relationship between a brother and sister.
After rereading that portion, I can see where you’re coming from. Truth be told, I apparently made Mach’s replies a lot meaner here in the rewrite, because it didn’t come off as quite so personal an attack in the original draft.
Ah, you meant Mach seeing Littlepip when you were talking about Opposing Force? No, that was just a scene I used both to further cement Littlepip as the ‘spark’ that set things into motion, as well as a deeply symbolic reference to the effect kkat had on me with Fallout: Equestria.
Trust me, this goes somewhere. It takes a little bit of time for the reader to discover what comes of it, but I promise that when it does, you’ll agree that it’s appropriate.
His mother is still alive and quite healthy after the introduction (only a day has passed, and I’m fairly certain I mention once or twice that those events happened just yesterday), and in fact, it was her in the shower at the beginning of the first chapter. It makes me feel a good deal better to see a reply from you, and moreso that you’ve confirmed that you’re interested in it. I’ll try to pull my shit together and finish the next chapter’s worth of rewrites, because I’ve always felt that chapter 2 was a much better base for comparison for the way the rest of the story plays out.
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It's just a thing that always reminds me of Opposing Force - it's not unique to the game and I know you weren't referencing it, it's just a comparison that I can easily relate to.
It's cool to hear there was a personal angle to it as well.
That was me forgetting stuff when I wrote my reply after two days, I should have re-read it to confirm before posting. I guess I forgot the details and only the contrast remained in my head between the family setting and the military setting.
Yeah, it makes sense. I'd go into details but it's hard to gather my thoughts about it.
*WARNING TO FIRST TIME READERS. THIS IS A REVIEW FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS READ THE FIRST DRAFT THROUGH. POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHOY! SKIP THIS.*
Alright, I'm going to give my review of the first three chapters as one, since I'm familiar with them as one.
First of all, I'm going to remark that I haven't read the first rendition of the early chapters in well over a year, so this comparison will be with my previous impression of the story.
Chapter 1
The one thing that I noticed in this version compared to the previous is the building suspense. In the old version, it was all a case of things just getting out of hand very quickly, ie. the day started normal apart from the reassigned squads and ended badly. The intrigue only came in during the later chapters, especially when he read his father's journals. However between the both aspects of the mysterious Wraithwing appearing between these the prologue and the first chapter, as well as the remark that someone is ordering around top dog Immelmann around, a lot more questions are created than the first version in my opinion.
One other thing that I liked, in the first version though he were aware that Mach's dad was a general by the time he appeared, his appearance came suddenly and a bit out of the blue. The reaffirmation that he's on base, coupled with the suspense of being ordered there, will make his eventual appearance that more believable.
Chapter 2
Less to say about this chapter, though now I'm a bit saddened by the fact that that's all we'll see of Doc and Bella. I tend to be a fan of the Doc Brown-type characters.
Sorry this one's so brief.
Chapter 3
Alright, that was a massively different to the old version. I enjoyed it, Mach's character was driving it a lot more this time, being proactive instead of hell coming to him. As hard as it was, it was his own choice to go to the wasteland, not being forced to it by a mistake.
And once more appreciating the shadow of the Wraithwing, it'll make it so much more satisfying when the legends Mach heard become linked to the mysterious figure.
Also, we get meaningful character interaction between Mach and Immelmann, rocking and opposing, setting the tone for the rest of the story. Looking back on the old version, their only meeting we saw was too formal.
Only thing in three chapters I feel is worth mentioning is to a remark you made a good while back. You said that Mach using the rainboom to escape would be Mary-Sueish. Now, I always thought of a Mary-Sue as a character whose obstacles almost stepped out of the way by themselves. Being slightly overpowered isn't a crime, but being overpowered to the point that there's no challenge is. So Mach getting away using the rainboom was alright narratively. And personally, the use of the rainboom shows quite well Mach's skills and limits. Mach not using the 'boom there shades his abilities from us a degree. In summation, I preferred the flashy escape to the fall, but I don't hate the new descent so I'll withhold judgement until later. Maybe it'll lead into things better, because I certainly didn't expect the departure from the Enclave to go like that.
Well the start was strong, stronger than the original for the most part, and looking forward to experiencing Outlaw anew now. Good luck.
Veradon Chimera
Well, that was... Different.
But not at all uninteresting.
~answer-liker
Well here we go. That was a pretty exciting escape if I do say so myself. Yeah, woosh, weeze, bang, la la boom! He went from his every day testing to seeing Little Pip. Haha, she's the pony of inspiration alright, and she inspired him to make his move. Granted he didn't get to do anything, the return home did allow him to save his father. It turns out in the end it was all for the better... (not really.) Of course, he had to do a good bit of work to save the old guy. And even then, it's questionable if the fart is out of trouble. His son pulled some risky stuff there and I'm not sure if I caught that one mare actually losing consciousness, just being restrained. Did they knock her out before going into their argument? What did the old fart delete? Is he related to Rainbow Dash somehow?
You're gonna try and put this story in alignment with Katt's original, meaning that might be a little difficult to achieve. Yet here you are, throwing him into the wasteland the same day Pip enters the fray. He's your reckless and bold sort of character to pull those things off. A lot of people would call him insane, stupid, iditiot, yet these traits are the same things that go into bravery. And damn did it take a lot for him to pull off his stunt. A good bit of luck went into this as well I'll imagine. A good bit of luck goes into a lot of stuff, but especially escapes.
It'll be interesting to see him go from taking on the enclave to taking on the wasteland. he started off with the impression of being a lazy stud who does the occasional job. A stud with potential, but held back by his family. Now he's free and thrust into a position to move or die. Given motivation to survive and do the right thing I eagerly await to see where it takes him now. This chapter was damn exciting! I ain't sure I have the capability to hunt down and give much critique. You had me jumping up from my chair several times during this chapter and spinning... I, uhm, spin, around in my room, when I'm excited, and my imagination is on a wurr... It's a good story when that happens... ^//^
I'll be throwing this here fic into my favorites now so I can keep up and not forget about it again. Hehe. Gonna stop reading for tonight and work on a little writing of my own. You're invited to check it out once I publish it, I think it might be a Fallout Equestria Story... You got my mind rolling, and I've been wanting to do a FoE story for a while. So, uhm, thanks? Have a good night and I'll continue with this awesome adventure tomorrow. Woot!
Quaver Ava
Ok, I had read a while ago to pre-rewrite a couple chapters past Mach and Greaser meeting, so there will be some comparison here.
Now, my overall view of the first three chapters and prologue: It is distinctly better than it was in many ways, though the transition left several... loose ends.
I don't recall Mach and Astral's relationship being as... Flamboyant previously. I like Astral, she interests me as a character I've been spoiled in that regard, to a lot of things actually, though I anticipate some changes overall, so I won't make assumptions. I know you've caught some flak in regards to the immersion breaking... Well, tustle, and generally their interactions in that scene. In particular that it is really unmilitary behavior. I agree with that assessment, and I don't need to say more there. I do like the dynamic between them, overall. I feel it could have been worked in differently, maybe in the prologue, but... Lasting impact, I'm glad it happened, even if how it was accomplished doesn't sit well. Admittedly, I fall into the camp of avidly awaiting that smut of them, canon or not.
Gust and Gale. I don't know if you plan to do much with them, but they are now established as characters, and I truly hope something will happen with them... Reason being, as it is, that whole mission feels... Odd. I never did like Mach ending up getting them killed, in how it played out. But with the change, the whole operation seems very involved for something that ends up being quite a letdown. It introduces the coilgun. It also introduces Mach's views of the surface, but there are two chapters of lead up, then the mission ends before it even begins, none of the things hinted at actually become relevant, and the climax of the chapter is something completely different. Gives the reader a bit of narrative whiplash.
Mach's dad was introduced better, the prologue helped, as did the earlier mentions of him. The problem is that it feels like the reader is missing information, post-rewrite. I understand there are some journals that pop up later, but as it is, the whole situation is really complex for what is ultimately a means of getting Mach to be on the run under the clouds. Also, he had his pistol... But he was being interrogated, presumably for treason. I can't see any reason he would still have that pistol at that point.
Solara and Duster... They didn't change much. I haven't been spoiled much aside from where they end up, but I for one would love to see more of them in general. Just sayin', there. Solara is a fun character. Though I don't recall the skytank scene being quite as sexy, well done. Solara doesn't get too much development here, but that solidified her character in the little bits.
Now, the very end, from the point that the (operative?) starts counting down? That is much better. Things I noted: the retrieval team aren't the Wonderbolts. Big point, I like the change. Makes his escape more believable, and I really don't think the WB would leave him like they did. Now, a trooper numpty team? Absolutely. His inability to pull off the redboom will make his eventual capacity to do it that much more interesting. Also, Pip probably would have seen the blast. It gives Mach a bit more... Chance to fail, I suppose. Everything doesn't quite go as easily as it did initially, and that gives more grounds to build upon.
Please don't take the criticism badly, I mean it to help, and I plan to keep reading regardless. The minor characters typically make or break fics for me, and that's definitely a point you improved upon with the rewrites, and you set things up to improve on them even more.
Also, kudos. I fucking love Mighty wings, and it fits Mach.
I'm Baaa~aaack. Yeah sorry for the wait, busy week, and had a few other projects needed to work on, so, where were we? Ah right, Dumb-flank was wondering what the worst that could happen was while bucking one of his former subordinates, in his CO's personal skytank, who also happens to be his sister, hours after being told he's under investigation as a security risk, while getting ready to go test a new uber-gun under the clouds. Yeah, things are going to be smooth sailing from here.
Well, that picture isn't creepy at all.......
You are just TRYING to get you flank busted aren't you? You manage to get the sexy time done with without getting caught, and then you two pass out while still there!? Evidence for you being some kind of secret masochist is rising steadily.
And this whole thing started just after dawn, and what he went through couldn't have taken more then a few hours so, wow you were totally passed the fuck out.
I'm guessing "I passed out after bucking my sort of marefreind's brains out in my sister personal tank" would be a very accepted excuse. And yet, getting the feeling everypony would believe it coming from you.
I'd ask if they ever swapped mane styles just to fuck with people, but the impression I' getting so far seems to say they don't have enough of a sense of humor to care about trying it.
Oh shit....
..... aaand double that.. if ponies wore pants, now would be a good time to need to change them.
Hmmmm, well on the finding them, good idea, the only place you are more likely to locate them is Maripony itself, and doubt they want to fly right into The Goddess' stronghold. So, makes sense. Plus you all can fly out of the Pink, and possibly hover outside it to begin with.
As to the effects of the Pink making them easier to deal with..... Pink Cloud didn't weaken them at all, and they seemed, if not outright immune, at least highly resistant to it's effects. HOWEVER, it does remove their Hive Mind, and limit the pool of abilities to just what each Alicorn knows, not sharing all the spells Unity knows. Plus lack of a hive mind means they could ambush on or two without instantly alerting all of them if they do it quietly enough. Not to mention it means individual alicorns can be far more unpredictable. So, wording is a little iffy, but we don't know how much the Enclave really knows about the details, but enough that it could work.
Huh, so this is a kind of common thing for The Enclave to try? Does make sense. Alicorns are the biggest single threat, so they would want to try to get experience taking them out. And Canterlot is abandoned, and far enough from any settlements that they could do this without being noticed by surface ponies, and also Canterlot is one of the biggest hellholes in the Wastes, so sending troops there would help reinforce the lies about what the surface is like. All while tossing troops into extremely deadly situations as if they don't give a buck about their safety. Cold, logical, and kind of dickish. Yup, seems like a perfect Enclave strategy.
Ah, so it's not that they have reason to think the Alicorns there are less deadly, at least based on facts, they just assume they'd have to be weaker from being exposed to the Pink? While ignoring any of those nasty things like, basic facts and reality get in the way of them declaring things to be how they wish them to be?
Oh go buck yourself bitch. Yeah I am not liking these two. But in the good, entirely Watsonian, 'they are assholes' kind of way. Not the Doyalist, 'they are shitty characters' type of way.
Yeah, doing that went out the window the instant "Go look for Alicorns in Canterlot" was considered to be a viable idea.
Okay, so, long range markspony rifle? I think I might have an idea what that means, just a long range rifle, that isn't specifically made to be a sniper rifle? Hmmm, okay tangent I really don't need to go off on.
D'awwwwwwww... and also.. yup Mach is just trying to have fate kick him in the nuts now.
Yeah, you REALLY don't want to piss off a guy who makes new ways of blowing stuff up for a living.
Ohh, interesting bit of mythology to survive. And makes sense. 1000 years of having the Mare in the Moon up there, versus only about 35 or so between Luna's return and the End. Yeah, no surprise that gets remembered more, has more stories about it and what not.
And I get the feeling you are about to make a lot more 'bad' choices then you think.
Gee, maybe if someponies weren't being assholes and refusing to help them for no damn good reason beyond being a bunch of stuck up, elitist, assholes who don't give a fuck about anything but heir own well being and power, maybe they wouldn't HAVE to live like that.
Yeah, its amazing how much easier it is to recover when you only lost one city, and had a full population, and all the infrastructure left, with nothing needing to be rebuilt. Versus having everything bombed into ruins, and the land itself an irradiated death trap for decades afterwards, with re-population only slowly taking place over time, in a much much more resource scarce environment, where even self sustaining farming isn't a viable option, not only through lack of fertile, non-toxic land, but because SOME assholes are keeping out the sunlight.
Because for all their issues, they still aren't the same level of utter assholes The Enclave are, and not even they are fucked up enough to do what the Enclave does.
3.bp.blogspot.com/-e6rAXGZqdyM/U85_EObkgyI/AAAAAAAAUO8/Vf0ltmlaUG4/s1600/oh+wait+you're+serious+let+me+laugh+even+harder.jpg
Oh fuck you Mach. You know, was getting ready to feel sorry for you with what's coming, but now.. I'm looking forward to it. Time for you to get that high and mighty, elitist bullshit crammed right back down your throat jackass.
Yet, I do like this, and his point of view DOES make sense. He's dealing with a lifetime of propaganda, of being told how things are, trying to rationalize what he's told by the Enclave with what he's seen below. That way of thinking simply seems natural to him. Like I said earlier, and is more clear here. While Calamity was Chaotic Good, with emphasis on the Good, on helping others, Mach is Chaotic Good with emphasis on the Chaotic. Mach is more internally driven. He cares more about himself, about having fun, sure he's clearly not the same level of asshole as your standard Enclave diehard, but he's also not really going to go out of his way to find ponies to help. He simply wants to live his life in peace, have some fun, and isn't really that worried about others beyond how they impact him. So he rationalizes away any bad feelings about the state of the ground ponies. Uses the propaganda he's been told without questioning it. He's extremely sheltered without realizing it, doesn't see the root causes of the issues, just assumes "If we could do it, they could if they wanted to" without realizing the differences. He's not being malicious about it, just, lazy. To lazy to question what he's been told, to try and thinking about things, to question his own assumptions. It's a position that, like I said does make sense, and will provided a really great arc seeing him deal with how wrong he's been, and actually having to deal with how his views on both the Enclave and the surface are different from reality.
But I still want to slap him upside the head a few times for it.
Automaps, how the buck do they work!? How do they know the exact name of places, know what places are special, and yet, not be able to display them until a pony finds them? One of the great mysterious of PipBucks that not even FOE could explain. That and how the hell the EFS could tell Friend from Foe so easily and quickly, and accurately.
Oh hai Littlepip! So we have a time frame established, this IS the night Littlepip left the Stables. Going to be interesting seeing how Mach's story weaves around Littlepip's without crossing in anyway that would stand out as odd to not have been mentioned in FOE.
Keep talking, it'll just make you getting YOUR reality check all the sweeter.
Loving the double meaning statements like this.
Ya think? Even for such utter assholes, that seems a little to planed out. Yeah they were just looking for a reason to screw you over from the start. And at least you realize it. But now the question is, why? Just petty revenge, them not liking you and wanting to be bullies? Or, something larger at work?
Fate? Or, just wanting to watch a good fight?
Well, either something going on with their dad, or she got some orders,or learned about some orders, that prove how fucked Mach is.
Hello massive plot hook.... that I have NO damn clue where to even begin guessing at, but so can't wait to start finding out hints for it.
Well, this is debatable and don't agree with it, but is clear Mach believes in fate of this kind.
The ultimate lockpick. Not to mention that is going to make one HELL of an impression.
Also really love the complicated relationship these two have, and how well it's used and made clear. Just great job on that one.
.. what, that is something so basic and simple and should be common sense to have, it's scary how odd actually seeing it really can be. Just proves how much thought went into this story.
PONYUKEN!
And this is why, for all the wanting to smack him for his BS about the surface ponies, I do love Mach. He does want to do the right thing, he just has a lifetime of cultural conditioning telling him what that is in regards to the surface. But it's clear under that, he wants to do the right thing, and will be able to come to grips and see through the propaganda and lies when forced to confront them. And just really eager to see that growth in him.
Doors, the true bane of all invisibility spells.
Yeah there is something REALLY huge going on here, way bigger then Mach knows.....
wait... wait wait wait wait....
Why in the bucking nine layers of Tartarus, was he allowed to keep his gun!? Why the hell would they let somepony being interrogated for treason keep a weapon on him!?
"The Enclave" that nearly nopony down there knows about? Beyond maybe a few rumors and half whispered stories?
That is one hell of an understatement.
Hey, that's also a good way to lose your pursuers. Also rather glad he didn't do a Rainboom, but will get into that later.
Well, at least you avoided going to Canterlot?
Well, not sure what else to say.. didn't say much for the last chunk, mostly because it was so quick, tense, and and awesome, wasn't sure what to say, or wanting to stop and break the flow but, DAMN was that escape awesome. Also running short on time to get this done before work So yeah got more to say, but will save it for the response, short version, loved it! And now things are in motion. Also, was wondering about the lack of "Level up" stuff, but yeah, knowing this was all one huge chapter broken up explains that. And yeah think the division helps. Okay, more I want to say, but that would push this back to tonight and want to get this out so, will reply more later.
Great start to a story and really looking forward to more.
I don't perfectly remember the first version of these events, as it's been a while, but this version strikes me a being a notable improvement in how well it all fits together. Though, fwiw, it /is/ pretty convenient that Mach's dad didn't immediately get dragged to some other location for interrogation when he was arrested.
I'd also comment that it's kinda amazing Mach is saying there's no society in the Wasteland. How has he not seen Fillydelphia yet? I mean I don't expect anyone from the Enclave likes it any more than the rest of the Wasteland, but that's to be expected. Militaristic dictatorships tend not to like each other overmuch.
Oi! a good story always starts with an outlaw.
Once upon a time did I feel like I wrote monster comments, and then do I scroll trough the comments on this chapter and have all of my comments combined shadowed… ehh, must just hope that I can make up for quantity with quality.
Gosh, there sure isn't much love for the wastelanders and their situation... It's not as if someone kinda stole the sunshine away from them so they can't grow food and are lacking vitamin D which can lead to depression or something. Nope not at all.
Wait... so the dad is getting interrogated for some shit, the son framed for some other... But the daughter gets to keep her high rank and he his nice big boomy toy after his loyalty have been put in question. Unless the railgun is used as to set someone up, someone having been killed with another prototype, does it not make any sense that he got to keep it.
Wait... he are flying around with both a prototype coil gun, a ton of ammo for it, and later get a machine gun as well... How many SPECIAL points did he put into Strength? Honestly are he slowly beginning to smell a bit like a Marty Stu with how easily he could talk himself out of an interrogation room while wearing a giant gun on his back, those does normally not give any bonuses to Charisma checks after all. If it is all an ellaporate plan to get rid of him can I get it... but it would have been just as easy to take him to Canterlot, test the weapon, and then shoot him in the back on the way home and blame an alicorn for the giant blood smear.
Nitpicks:
"I whirled around when I heard the door open behind me, and watched as Doc strolled through the door towards me." Is it not a bit redundant to mention the door twice… unless it is a really nice door that is!
"I slowed to hover and squint down at the small town beneath me" is squint not present tense?
“…I am.” Only thing you are is missing a space here.
"“As you have confessed to a crime against the Grand Pegasus Enclave and her ponies" I ain't sure, but should it not be a capital letter here since you are personifying the countries/organizations