"Mr. Mach the Pegasus" I thought that most of the ponies in the Enclave were pegasi, rendering the title redundant. And they refer to him by his first name and not his last? Are there reasons behind the word choice?
WARNING TO FIRST TIME READERS. THIS IS A REVIEW FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS READ THE FIRST DRAFT THROUGH. SPOILERS AHOY! SKIP THIS.
Right, time to start Outlaw again. Getting giddy again with anticipation.
Now, I've heard something recently that people don't know what they want. And I did not know I wanted this until I read it. This snapshot of Mach's home life goes a long way to inform it as a whole. It gives us a contrast to compare Mach's experiences in the wasteland. Before we just had to rely on what Mach was telling us in hindsight, whereas this gives the reader something to hang what Mach tells us off of.
And reading through comments down below and what you said, it does highlight the theme of family from the start. That's actually quite good, you managed to introduce the theme without shoving it down our throats.
And the spectre of the Wraithwing is already cast over the story. That'll pay off later on when he finally appears and dominates a large chunk of the story as he won't come out of nearly nowhere.
One minor critique, since I feel I need to say something constructive after singing your praises so much. A park at noon, why is it empty enough for a secret military meeting to take place? Yeah, it's a military area, but it's also a town with ponies with days off. At the height of the day, would it be empty?
Hm. That 'critique' just looks petty written down now. Anyway, good start and am looking forward to the this Rebuild of Outlaw.
Well now, this is an interesting way to start us off. Slice of life, family interaction, giving us an idea of Enclave cities and how they look among other things. Great start Tofu, I enjoy this first chapter, it gives you a good introduction to Mach, his worries, priorities, personality and how he behaves. The interview with mystery pony was nice, very secretive, much like the Enclave from the Fallout games. Indeed, the way the Enclave Council are treated, it feels like they are a ponified version of the secret government branch, only they're known and have replaced the public branch of government ^^; Heh, that was a bit long winded >_<.
I do enjoy the Wraithwing here, it feels like he was giving Mach a chance to save his own skin, only he seems to misunderstand Mach in that he isn't such a selfish pony. Indeed Mach feels like a pretty believable character, and once you have believable characters, the story is much easier to get immersed in :raritywink. Looking forward to reading more. Onto the next chapter .
Why then, was this insanely bright light feeling like it was trying to sear my eyeballs and making my head feel like it was caught in a vise?
The bold word should be *vice* if you're referring to the workbench clamp.
I groaned as my attempt to puzzle through the confusion caused the throbbing, blinding pain to increase and my stomach threatened to violently expel its contents.
I think 'puzzle' could do to be replaced with *sift*. I'm not sure if you're implying the same thing, but a better word can do to replace it.
They were the elite—the best of the best—surely
Swap the em-dashes for commas.
How much faith could you put in a bottle of two-hundred year old cough syrup that had been weathered by a balefire holocaust?
Adding the bold words makes the sentence read more smoothly.
Overall, it's a good read thus far. Can't wait to see what's in store.
Well that's... remarkably vague. Great hook though; if it wasn't for the fact the story appeared to still be in the process of being rewritten, I'd continue. Also, dang does Mach seem to be the epitome of the stay at home son. "Find a house" they said "Find a girlfriend" they said. If your goal was to make a relatable character for your average reader, I'd say you did an excellent job.
... whatever, I'm continuing; once again, my "no edits" policy gets the better of me.
One thing though.
Don’t you want ever want to settle down and have a foal of your own?
Oooh, I like this. Foreshadowing Wraithwing so it's not as sudden later on, and showing rather than telling about Mach's home life.
I'm probably remembering this wrong, but in the original version, the gov't only knew about his ability because he does it when escaping, right? And his dad is eventually punished for having kept it a secret? In that case, this is better because it takes a lot of the blame from Mach and gives more credence to his dad's worries about them finding out.
So, I heard you like comments. Seems a certain lovably insane pegasus wanted to spread the love a bit. Hmmmmm, "Undergoing rewrites." Well usually I'd avoid any story with those words in it like the plague, thanks to every single story I got into that paused to 'undergo rewrites' never got finished after that point. BUT, given this one actually IS finished and simply being redone better, give it a try.
Pain. And light. Bright light. It felt like Princess Celestia herself was bringing every last bit of her powerful magic to bear in order to smite me with the very fire of the sun itself.
Well going by that opening image, and what little I know from Memories, I'm guessing somepony has a hangover. Or simply really isn't a morning pony, but hangover is more fun to mock them about since it's their own damn fault. Also, isn't this supposed to be about a pegasus from the Enclave? You know, the atheists of the Wastes that don't believe in Celestia and Luna anymore?
…Hang on, that didn’t make any sense.
HEY! Pointing out logical inconsistencies is supposed to be MY job story, watch it!
never malevolent and spiteful.
Unless you took the last slice of cake. Then, not even the great Fuasticorn herself can help save you from your fate.
but soon felt hope turn to disappointment when I saw a silver-coated stallion with a light, bristly ice-blue mane sitting across from me.
Liking it so far, already have a general idea of who this is, situation etc... from the crossover bits in Memories, but even if I didn't know that stuff, story is doing a good job of setting them up. Without being all expository about them up front. Clearly dealing with pegasi with the cloud based building material. Figuring Mach for, early-20's-ish. Old enough to go get drunk, but still young enough to live at home. Mom is caring, sweet. Dad is clearly in the Military due to the buzz cut, and just how sudden Mach's hopes dropped on seeing him there. Lenient, loving mother, strict "Stop screwing up and make something of yourself!" father. Pretty standard. But all done pretty well so far, loving the style, just so far a really great start.
“Have you given any thought as to when you’re going to move out and find your own place to live? Aren’t you just the least bit ashamed that you’re a full grown stallion still living with your parents?”
Hey, in today's' Enclave economy? Though, given how the original painted things up there as having all the left over buildings from the old cloud cities, bar Cloudsdale, but not the same amount of ponies, leading to a lot of under populated areas, shouldn't be that hard finding a place up there or have housing be a huge issue I'd think.
“Oh, sweet Cygnus, here we g—”
Huh, so, swearing by constellations? Or, is it an actual famous pegasus named that? Either would actually make some sense.
“Don’t take the spirits’ names in vain!”
Okay, spirits. Well, Pegasi were painted as mostly atheistic in FOE, BUT that really is just going by Calamity, who could be in the minority. They clearly didn't venerate the Royal Sisters anymore, but could see another belief in something springing up to replace it. So, ancient stories about what old grand spirits that formed the constellations? Or, again just another pony named that? And how am I getting on this large a tangent on something so minor?
It’s a lot easier financially to just pay you guys a cut of the bills than it is to go out and get my own place.
And that whole argument makes perfect sense. Also, okay so he's already in the Military, thought maybe this would start with him actually enlisting, was a little curious. But yeah if Mach is already working, already in the military and pulling his own weight, no reason he should go get his own place. Granted given the set up, logic wont mater because he's not 'supposed' to be living at home still.
Don’t you ever want to settle down and have a foal of your own?
Given the Enclave has population control in effect, you'd think encouraging more ponies to be like that would be far more usual. Which begs the question of why his dad thinks it's such a big deal that he should do it. Or is it just a "I want grand-foals damnit!" type deal more then a "It's what society says you should want/do" type deal?
“No son of mine will be a Wonderbolt, do you hear me? You will not disgrace the family by joining their ranks!”
Wow, really? Aren't they like, the most prestigious group int eh Enclave? Or is this a kind of, long time family of ground pounders (Or whatever pegasi soldiers would be), who look down on those glorified show offs that aren't 'true' soldiers?
“How would that disgrace us? The Wonderbolts are one of the most prestigious—”
Mach, not sure if I should love you, or hate you for pointing out stuff like this. Love that you do, but as above, it makes it harder for me to snark at the story if the story brings up these itself.
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times—we’re done speaking about this,”
Well, that was a non-answer. Annoyed at not learning it, but it's just more of the natural feel to the story. We're seeing their lives as they are, not being performed just for our benefit. So no unneeded exposition, and I do love that style.
old buck’s
At this point, it's just gotta be accepted that somewhere in the timeline before the war 'buck' became a perfectly standard term for male ponies as well as Stallion and Colt.
“It is sunny, how odd. I could’ve sworn they’d scheduled rain for today.”
Rain... above the clouds? Also, why would they NEED rain? Only reason before was to water plants and keep reservoirs filled. The SPP keeps the crops tended to, it might require rainfall, but that would just be over the fields, no reason for the middle of a city to get it. And have to be more efficient means to storing water and moving it then rain given their limited size up there.
“You’re terrible at doing the dishes anyway, sweetie.”
Wow... yup I've heard that plenty of times too.
One guess as to why.
You slowly grew to realize how repressive and unfair the Enclave government is and how you all are being lied to to control you with fear just so the ones in power can bask in their power?
I nickered in frustration
I do love little touches of 'poniness' in stories
knocking bottles of ancient pharmaceuticals retrieved from Equestria’s surface
Ah, so we can get into a massive debate/argument over just how much contact the Enclave has with the surface. Given it was pretty well stated that it was 0 in FOE, at least according to Calamity. That all they did was a once a year flyover, that always came back "Still a death trap of unending horror, stay away." as the result. But, that's likely just the 'official' story, and yeah can see them doing small, limited recon and collection in areas they found to be completely secure. But it would be really limited.
A genuine Wonderbolts’ captain uniform, passed down through my family for generations and treasured more than anything else I owned.
And yet, it would be a 'disgrace'? So, was that last member of the family to be a 'bolt one that did something that would piss off a straght laced, closed minded, conservative like his dad? Like, maybe say 'Screw you assholes, I'm going to do what you SHOULD be doing, and help out the rest of Equestria?
a pair of eyes glaring out from beneath an arch atop billowing clouds.
We're watching you!
Mr. Mach the Pegasus
Isn't that REALLY redundant?
82 Easyglider Avenue
Neighvarro, GPE
Well, Neighvarro is a military base.... BUUUUT a lot of bases do have housing developments for families to live in as well as barracks. And apparently this place has bars as well. But if it's all on base, why would mach need to 'find a place to move out'? Wouldn't all this be assigned by the Military? Just request new quarters. Hell why would they be paying for it if it's on base housing? But that's more a minor "Huh, wdiner how that works." compared to the real Why the hell would the address bother to have GPE on it? Where else would a pegasus ever be delivering a letter to that there would ever be anything that wasn't in the GPE?
I need to speak with you, Lieutenant.
Meet me at Anemoi Park by noon. Alone.
Well, that's not creepy, strange or ominous at all. Nope.
It was a lot easier to own property and raise a family a stone’s throw away from the Enclave’s biggest military base
Okay, so it's not military run housing? Seems like the type of thing they'd want to have, little extra incentive to join up.
As a result, a burgeoning little community had sprouted up on Neighvarro’s outskirts, and it tended to attract ponies with both families and money
That, does make sense for how it formed. Though not for why the Enclave didn't just create on base housing. Or, is there On Base housing, but ponies that can afford it just prefer homes that they don't have to worry about random inspections in and they have the freedom to actually own?
What if it was somepony with an axe to grind setting me up to slit my throat?
Then setting a meeting place, in the middle of a public location, in the middle of town, in the middle of the day is a really really stupid way to do it.
I couldn’t afford any more strikes against my record. I really couldn’t
Ohhhh, so, what type of trouble has Mach been up to? Just, drunk and disorderly, failing to show up to work on time type stuff? Or, mouthing off to superior officers? Or something else?
I guess rain was scheduled for today, after all.
Still question why.
“I swear to Polaris,
Okay, another astronomy based swear. Really curious about that. Like I said, can see a few ways that would make sense.
but found only blank space behind me.
Stealth-Buck?
He was wearing power armor, but like none I’d ever seen before. His snout was covered by a breather mask when it should’ve been exposed, and the telltale sign of a bladed scorpion tail sheath was completely absent.
Hmmm, special Power Armor. Interesting. Self modified, or part of some special team mach's never heard about?
Don’t let anypony tell you that a bad temper is a weakness.
It does wonders for keeping Harry Dresden alive.
“Cut the shit and get to the point,”
I am really liking Mach
“Ask your stars-damned question.”
Very, very interesting, so, i it some type of bleed over from the whole The Stars are Cthulhu Zebra stuff without them knowing it? Or, just a natural outgrowth of them spending all their time up in the sky that they'd grow attached to the stars?
“Is there anything you’d like to tell me, Lieutenant?”
And the award for most vague question of the century goes to…
Yeah can't top that Mach. I like you, but you make snarking at your story really hard.
No way. Dad and I had been careful, we’d taken every precaution, we’d put so much planning into it in order to ensure we wouldn’t be caught. We’d been left alone for years, why would they be poking their noses into matters now?
Ohhhhhh, okay then, Mach... what the buck did you do?
“If I was in deep shit, I’d damn well know it.”
It only made sense, right?
...Right?
Well, I'm guessing you will know soon enough.
Okay so far... LOVING IT! Just, that is one hell of a great intro. Very nicely done introduction to the main character, his family, and a general idea of what he is like, without relying on exposition to heavily. Just his interactions and stream of confidence thoughts. (Mostly few bits of obvious exposition, but nothing bad.)
Rather standard family set up, but I really don't give a crap about how 'cliched' something is, so long as it makes sense for why it is that way, beyond "It's the cliche, so that how it has to be." just for it's own sake. And, the characters come across well enough to feel like real ponies already, not just slots in a cliche. And really got to like Mach quickly. Just, already able to tell a good amount about him. rather laid back, but not totally "I don't care about anything.' Easy going, but more then willing to stand up for himself. Yeah already loving him.
And great set up for a mystery, really great hook. As uptight as his dad seemed, hard to imagine what is so horrible and screw them over if anypony found out he would do it. But I really want to know. Just, yeah already amazingly invested in the story and eager to see more. Great writing style that was just fun to get through.... awesome start all around.
Okay, so one minor nitpick: tops don't generally get wound up, afaik, unless tops where you come from are of very unusual design.
Now, the mysterious character is definitely what grabs my attention about this chapter, mostly given who/what he was in this fic's first iteration. So to discuss further, time for spoilers.
I'll confess, I didn't like Air Raid or his job much the first time around. His job within the Enclave as basically being an assassin who was more deadly and secretive than all the Wonderbolts put together just felt like a very overt one-upping of the original FOE. Air Raid's motivations were what I really didn't like, though, since it makes his entire character into a message about how great Mach is. So great, apparently, that one of the most badass ponies in the whole Enclave falls for him. Then Mach gets to play the responsible adult while Air Raid's reaction is that of a spoiled child grown up into a psychotic killer. It doesn't help matters that he's the only gay character in the whole story, which is a little odd given the Enclave iirc encouraged homosexual relationships as a means of population control.
Now, as to this mysterious pony I presume is still really Air Raid...the phrasing of his questions and the almost-pleading tone makes me think he's still hoping for Mach to confess to being able to do the Sonic Rainboom. I'm kind of hoping this time it won't go the romantic route, though, but more along the lines of "I respect your abilities and was really hoping to have you on my team, instead of having to kill you." I'll be interested to see where the character goes this time.
Me likey so far I need to remember to stop after every chapter tho, if I find a fic I like I dont stop til Im done with or until Im tired, which is a vury bad ting for me
Time to take a piece of tofu to the chopping block and see how much meat there be on them bones!
Keeping my eyes pinched shut tightly, I slid carefully off of my bed, swaying unsteadily on my drowsy hooves as they sank a few centimeters into the cloud floor beneath me.
I have read a lot of stories lately that visit the Enclave, and oddly enough do they have ordinary houses up there on the clouds and not cloudy ones which you and the series have. So point to you for getting a small detail right that a lot of people seemingly seem to forget
Normally when peeps are doing in media res are they throwing people into firefights and the wastelands end and what not, but it is the first time ever that I have been thrown into a family dinner with a sidedish of mystery! Dam da daaaam?
Nitpicks: "Are there any…secrets…" Consistency is key, and you have to choose between having a space after an ellipsis or not.
I take it there will be significant changes to the story chain of events in this rewrite?
Reading this prolouge after reading the entire story makes you go ;; _ ;;
Why this story have no more likes?! It really needs more popularity, it is an amazing story!
"Mr. Mach the Pegasus"
I thought that most of the ponies in the Enclave were pegasi, rendering the title redundant. And they refer to him by his first name and not his last? Are there reasons behind the word choice?
Mmm, interesting start to an interesting tale I gotta wonder where this story goes from here. Onward!
WARNING TO FIRST TIME READERS. THIS IS A REVIEW FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS READ THE FIRST DRAFT THROUGH. SPOILERS AHOY! SKIP THIS.
Right, time to start Outlaw again. Getting giddy again with anticipation.
Now, I've heard something recently that people don't know what they want. And I did not know I wanted this until I read it. This snapshot of Mach's home life goes a long way to inform it as a whole. It gives us a contrast to compare Mach's experiences in the wasteland. Before we just had to rely on what Mach was telling us in hindsight, whereas this gives the reader something to hang what Mach tells us off of.
And reading through comments down below and what you said, it does highlight the theme of family from the start. That's actually quite good, you managed to introduce the theme without shoving it down our throats.
And the spectre of the Wraithwing is already cast over the story. That'll pay off later on when he finally appears and dominates a large chunk of the story as he won't come out of nearly nowhere.
One minor critique, since I feel I need to say something constructive after singing your praises so much. A park at noon, why is it empty enough for a secret military meeting to take place? Yeah, it's a military area, but it's also a town with ponies with days off. At the height of the day, would it be empty?
Hm. That 'critique' just looks petty written down now. Anyway, good start and am looking forward to the this Rebuild of Outlaw.
Well now, this is an interesting way to start us off. Slice of life, family interaction, giving us an idea of Enclave cities and how they look among other things. Great start Tofu, I enjoy this first chapter, it gives you a good introduction to Mach, his worries, priorities, personality and how he behaves. The interview with mystery pony was nice, very secretive, much like the Enclave from the Fallout games. Indeed, the way the Enclave Council are treated, it feels like they are a ponified version of the secret government branch, only they're known and have replaced the public branch of government ^^; Heh, that was a bit long winded >_<.
I do enjoy the Wraithwing here, it feels like he was giving Mach a chance to save his own skin, only he seems to misunderstand Mach in that he isn't such a selfish pony. Indeed Mach feels like a pretty believable character, and once you have believable characters, the story is much easier to get immersed in :raritywink. Looking forward to reading more. Onto the next chapter .
The bold word should be *vice* if you're referring to the workbench clamp.
I think 'puzzle' could do to be replaced with *sift*. I'm not sure if you're implying the same thing, but a better word can do to replace it.
Swap the em-dashes for commas.
Adding the bold words makes the sentence read more smoothly.
Overall, it's a good read thus far. Can't wait to see what's in store.
Well that's... remarkably vague. Great hook though; if it wasn't for the fact the story appeared to still be in the process of being rewritten, I'd continue.
Also, dang does Mach seem to be the epitome of the stay at home son. "Find a house" they said "Find a girlfriend" they said. If your goal was to make a relatable character for your average reader, I'd say you did an excellent job.
... whatever, I'm continuing; once again, my "no edits" policy gets the better of me.
One thing though.
got an extra "want" in there
Oooh, I like this. Foreshadowing Wraithwing so it's not as sudden later on, and showing rather than telling about Mach's home life.
I'm probably remembering this wrong, but in the original version, the gov't only knew about his ability because he does it when escaping, right? And his dad is eventually punished for having kept it a secret? In that case, this is better because it takes a lot of the blame from Mach and gives more credence to his dad's worries about them finding out.
So, I heard you like comments. Seems a certain lovably insane pegasus wanted to spread the love a bit. Hmmmmm, "Undergoing rewrites." Well usually I'd avoid any story with those words in it like the plague, thanks to every single story I got into that paused to 'undergo rewrites' never got finished after that point. BUT, given this one actually IS finished and simply being redone better, give it a try.
Well going by that opening image, and what little I know from Memories, I'm guessing somepony has a hangover. Or simply really isn't a morning pony, but hangover is more fun to mock them about since it's their own damn fault. Also, isn't this supposed to be about a pegasus from the Enclave? You know, the atheists of the Wastes that don't believe in Celestia and Luna anymore?
HEY! Pointing out logical inconsistencies is supposed to be MY job story, watch it!
Unless you took the last slice of cake. Then, not even the great Fuasticorn herself can help save you from your fate.
Liking it so far, already have a general idea of who this is, situation etc... from the crossover bits in Memories, but even if I didn't know that stuff, story is doing a good job of setting them up. Without being all expository about them up front. Clearly dealing with pegasi with the cloud based building material. Figuring Mach for, early-20's-ish. Old enough to go get drunk, but still young enough to live at home. Mom is caring, sweet. Dad is clearly in the Military due to the buzz cut, and just how sudden Mach's hopes dropped on seeing him there. Lenient, loving mother, strict "Stop screwing up and make something of yourself!" father. Pretty standard. But all done pretty well so far, loving the style, just so far a really great start.
Hey, in today's' Enclave economy? Though, given how the original painted things up there as having all the left over buildings from the old cloud cities, bar Cloudsdale, but not the same amount of ponies, leading to a lot of under populated areas, shouldn't be that hard finding a place up there or have housing be a huge issue I'd think.
Huh, so, swearing by constellations? Or, is it an actual famous pegasus named that? Either would actually make some sense.
Okay, spirits. Well, Pegasi were painted as mostly atheistic in FOE, BUT that really is just going by Calamity, who could be in the minority. They clearly didn't venerate the Royal Sisters anymore, but could see another belief in something springing up to replace it. So, ancient stories about what old grand spirits that formed the constellations? Or, again just another pony named that? And how am I getting on this large a tangent on something so minor?
And that whole argument makes perfect sense. Also, okay so he's already in the Military, thought maybe this would start with him actually enlisting, was a little curious. But yeah if Mach is already working, already in the military and pulling his own weight, no reason he should go get his own place. Granted given the set up, logic wont mater because he's not 'supposed' to be living at home still.
Given the Enclave has population control in effect, you'd think encouraging more ponies to be like that would be far more usual. Which begs the question of why his dad thinks it's such a big deal that he should do it. Or is it just a "I want grand-foals damnit!" type deal more then a "It's what society says you should want/do" type deal?
Wow, really? Aren't they like, the most prestigious group int eh Enclave? Or is this a kind of, long time family of ground pounders (Or whatever pegasi soldiers would be), who look down on those glorified show offs that aren't 'true' soldiers?
Mach, not sure if I should love you, or hate you for pointing out stuff like this. Love that you do, but as above, it makes it harder for me to snark at the story if the story brings up these itself.
Well, that was a non-answer. Annoyed at not learning it, but it's just more of the natural feel to the story. We're seeing their lives as they are, not being performed just for our benefit. So no unneeded exposition, and I do love that style.
At this point, it's just gotta be accepted that somewhere in the timeline before the war 'buck' became a perfectly standard term for male ponies as well as Stallion and Colt.
Rain... above the clouds? Also, why would they NEED rain? Only reason before was to water plants and keep reservoirs filled. The SPP keeps the crops tended to, it might require rainfall, but that would just be over the fields, no reason for the middle of a city to get it. And have to be more efficient means to storing water and moving it then rain given their limited size up there.
Wow... yup I've heard that plenty of times too.
You slowly grew to realize how repressive and unfair the Enclave government is and how you all are being lied to to control you with fear just so the ones in power can bask in their power?
I do love little touches of 'poniness' in stories
Ah, so we can get into a massive debate/argument over just how much contact the Enclave has with the surface. Given it was pretty well stated that it was 0 in FOE, at least according to Calamity. That all they did was a once a year flyover, that always came back "Still a death trap of unending horror, stay away." as the result. But, that's likely just the 'official' story, and yeah can see them doing small, limited recon and collection in areas they found to be completely secure. But it would be really limited.
And yet, it would be a 'disgrace'? So, was that last member of the family to be a 'bolt one that did something that would piss off a straght laced, closed minded, conservative like his dad? Like, maybe say 'Screw you assholes, I'm going to do what you SHOULD be doing, and help out the rest of Equestria?
We're watching you!
Isn't that REALLY redundant?
Well, Neighvarro is a military base.... BUUUUT a lot of bases do have housing developments for families to live in as well as barracks. And apparently this place has bars as well. But if it's all on base, why would mach need to 'find a place to move out'? Wouldn't all this be assigned by the Military? Just request new quarters. Hell why would they be paying for it if it's on base housing? But that's more a minor "Huh, wdiner how that works." compared to the real Why the hell would the address bother to have GPE on it? Where else would a pegasus ever be delivering a letter to that there would ever be anything that wasn't in the GPE?
Well, that's not creepy, strange or ominous at all. Nope.
Okay, so it's not military run housing? Seems like the type of thing they'd want to have, little extra incentive to join up.
That, does make sense for how it formed. Though not for why the Enclave didn't just create on base housing. Or, is there On Base housing, but ponies that can afford it just prefer homes that they don't have to worry about random inspections in and they have the freedom to actually own?
Then setting a meeting place, in the middle of a public location, in the middle of town, in the middle of the day is a really really stupid way to do it.
Ohhhh, so, what type of trouble has Mach been up to? Just, drunk and disorderly, failing to show up to work on time type stuff? Or, mouthing off to superior officers? Or something else?
Still question why.
Okay, another astronomy based swear. Really curious about that. Like I said, can see a few ways that would make sense.
Stealth-Buck?
Hmmm, special Power Armor. Interesting. Self modified, or part of some special team mach's never heard about?
It does wonders for keeping Harry Dresden alive.
I am really liking Mach
Very, very interesting, so, i it some type of bleed over from the whole The Stars are Cthulhu Zebra stuff without them knowing it? Or, just a natural outgrowth of them spending all their time up in the sky that they'd grow attached to the stars?
Yeah can't top that Mach. I like you, but you make snarking at your story really hard.
Ohhhhhh, okay then, Mach... what the buck did you do?
Well, I'm guessing you will know soon enough.
Okay so far... LOVING IT! Just, that is one hell of a great intro. Very nicely done introduction to the main character, his family, and a general idea of what he is like, without relying on exposition to heavily. Just his interactions and stream of confidence thoughts. (Mostly few bits of obvious exposition, but nothing bad.)
Rather standard family set up, but I really don't give a crap about how 'cliched' something is, so long as it makes sense for why it is that way, beyond "It's the cliche, so that how it has to be." just for it's own sake. And, the characters come across well enough to feel like real ponies already, not just slots in a cliche. And really got to like Mach quickly. Just, already able to tell a good amount about him. rather laid back, but not totally "I don't care about anything.' Easy going, but more then willing to stand up for himself. Yeah already loving him.
And great set up for a mystery, really great hook. As uptight as his dad seemed, hard to imagine what is so horrible and screw them over if anypony found out he would do it. But I really want to know. Just, yeah already amazingly invested in the story and eager to see more. Great writing style that was just fun to get through.... awesome start all around.
Okay, so one minor nitpick: tops don't generally get wound up, afaik, unless tops where you come from are of very unusual design.
Now, the mysterious character is definitely what grabs my attention about this chapter, mostly given who/what he was in this fic's first iteration. So to discuss further, time for spoilers.
I'll confess, I didn't like Air Raid or his job much the first time around. His job within the Enclave as basically being an assassin who was more deadly and secretive than all the Wonderbolts put together just felt like a very overt one-upping of the original FOE. Air Raid's motivations were what I really didn't like, though, since it makes his entire character into a message about how great Mach is. So great, apparently, that one of the most badass ponies in the whole Enclave falls for him. Then Mach gets to play the responsible adult while Air Raid's reaction is that of a spoiled child grown up into a psychotic killer. It doesn't help matters that he's the only gay character in the whole story, which is a little odd given the Enclave iirc encouraged homosexual relationships as a means of population control.
Now, as to this mysterious pony I presume is still really Air Raid...the phrasing of his questions and the almost-pleading tone makes me think he's still hoping for Mach to confess to being able to do the Sonic Rainboom. I'm kind of hoping this time it won't go the romantic route, though, but more along the lines of "I respect your abilities and was really hoping to have you on my team, instead of having to kill you." I'll be interested to see where the character goes this time.
Me likey so far
I need to remember to stop after every chapter tho, if I find a fic I like I dont stop til Im done with or until Im tired, which is a vury bad ting for me
Interesting start.
Time to take a piece of tofu to the chopping block and see how much meat there be on them bones!
I have read a lot of stories lately that visit the Enclave, and oddly enough do they have ordinary houses up there on the clouds and not cloudy ones which you and the series have. So point to you for getting a small detail right that a lot of people seemingly seem to forget
Normally when peeps are doing in media res are they throwing people into firefights and the wastelands end and what not, but it is the first time ever that I have been thrown into a family dinner with a sidedish of mystery! Dam da daaaam?
Nitpicks:
"Are there any…secrets…" Consistency is key, and you have to choose between having a space after an ellipsis or not.