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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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4043561 I'm glad you like it!
Why hasn't this gathered more attention? Hmm. Time for some promotion!
Arowid, that character development was executed brilliantly. Not many stories that I've read in this setting had the morality issue of killing implemented properly. I believe you've done this very well in this chapter.
The chapters are getting very long. A month a chapter, each being 20 000 ~ 30 000 words, is making me think this'll be a very long story, as you've just set up the beginning with 76 000 words. The beginning of it all.
And I haven't done this before: thank you, Wr3nch, for being the editor.
I cannot express all the like I have for this story here, that'd take too long. And just letting you know, I'm keeping an eye on this one. Well, I think that--
Wait! The battle scenes were a blast, full of mistakes and injuries that would actually be received. Highlights like the burning books, grenade splash, and pacing made it highly enjoyable! However, I thought the action tapered down when the Pyro showed up, until she was taken down with chemical fumes. Use the environment to your advantage, people! And whenever you search up how to kill someone with a length of barbed wire and a tomato, you must constantly remind yourself: I am a writer. I am a writer. Not a murderer.
This is one of my favourites, buddy. Definitely something to look out for every month or so. Good luck with the next chapter!
Well it might just be me but a lot of the things that happen in this chapter are very well done but could kinda be seen coming. The wanted posters foreshadowing the almost "Boss-fights" and the destruction of their home to give them a reason to chase a goal or purpose they otherwise wouldn't have. Other than that this chapter is once again very well done, and if the chapter lengths stay consistent then this could be one of the longest stories on this site.
4052135 Thank you! This kind of feedback is really helpful! It lets me know what folks are enjoying about the story. And you wouldn't believe how hard figuring out some of the zany ways to use non-conventional means to "eliminate" an opponent can be. Nearly all of my research into mixing bleach and ammonia resulted in a simple "Don't do it!" Ha! I already knew that! Just tell me what it does!
As far as promotion goes... I figure that If I can manage to write something good, then people will hear about it in time. This is a marathon, not a sprint. And if I can put something together that's worth reading, then folks will eventually come to know about it... hopefully.
And I'll be sure to pass that "Thanks" along to Wr3nch! I'm sure he'd like to hear that his efforts are appreciated by someone other than myself!
4054048 Ahh, yes. Striking the right balance between "foreshadowing" and "giving it away" is something I'm still working on. Hopefully I'll be able to get it right in future chapters. There are quite a few doozies planned for later, and I wouldn't want to spoil my dear readers before the time is right!
I am working on cutting the chapter length down a bit, but I have no idea if that endeavor will be successful or not. My original intent was to have every chapter be around the 20k mark, but with all of the emotional development and introspection inherent in a first-person-narrative it's insanely easy for chapters to go beyond that point.
One way or another, I'm just hoping to write something that entertains people. If I can do that, and maybe write something that isn't complete garbage along the way, then I'll be ecstatic.
4055765
Oh, yeah. Forgot a few points.
The Luna Temple in the Stable sounds like the creation of some twisted guidance and oh, great. Things are gonna get awkward with the truth and the discovery and yep. Oops.
Is the orb from the statute a memory orb? Or did I misread that? Hmm.
Nohta + Dash... she took it twice. Twice! I don't want her to be a Dash addict. There'll be some hard talks, I bet.
That chilled me. That is some great character development. I expect more of this to follow.
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Thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying the story! Next chapter is shaping up nicely, and I'm thinking we might have an update within a couple of weeks.
An excellent third chapter for this story, and it looks like I was on the money about Stable 76's experiment. You did an excellent job weaving the Stable's lore as part of finding the desecrated temple. My curiosity is itching to find out what that memory orb has in it. What would Stable-Tec have planted in there such that 76 would have to destroy its statue of Luna to get at it? Oh, and Selenism is a fantastic name for the religion, even though the chapter quote, "There can only be one Princess in Equestria," is ten kinds of fucking ominous
When I realized Nohta and Candy were going to get to the Stable without any issues, I had that looming sense of dread, that this wasn't going to go well. The action scenes in the Stable were tense and exciting, and the sheer horror that you depicted was effective as well. I only have minor critiques for you, nitpicks at best.
Your use of medical jargon thus far works, since from my limited knowledge on the subject, that was all accurate. But. As someone in the profession of computers and the maintenance thereof, I gave a stern glare at the line "...get to the GB driver through the open source TCP program..." And dammit, you're using storage on the PipBuck, not memory! Some of the words used by the raiders felt a bit too intelligent for... well, raiders to use. "Cowering," for instance. And while this didn't stick out to me initially, upon reflection the line, "I need a Mint-al!" wasn't necessary. We could have had all the information we needed from the description of the tin opening and then the chewing. Heck, coulda even had the empty tin of Mint-als on the floor. I have to stress again that these are, at best, nitpicks in an otherwise fantastic chapter.
I really want to know where Candy and Nohta go from here, and I'm afraid that, with the context of this being told by Candy to someone, they end up in a very dark place. It doesn't help things that the whole analogy of killing as "cutting out the infection" is usually reserved for a villainous monologue. It really, really doesn't help. I liked this line especially from when Candy was sorting out how to answer Nohta:
Like I said before, great chapter, and I'm looking forward to more.
4455980 Glad you're liking the story, Doctor!
I believe you're developing a bit of a reputation for leaving really great commentary on people's works. I'll have to try and return the favor when I get a chance. I've just been a bit busy with Chapter 4 lately.
Your critiques are spot on. I can easily recognize a couple of things I would certainly do differently were I to rewrite the first few chapters now, like giving Candy and Nohta more dialogue early on. I am learning as I go though, and hoping to improve along the way.
I have had to do a fair bit of research into certain subjects for this story. Like the medical jargon you noted. I try to be really careful about how I write things but I do screw up sometimes, like the storage vs memory bit you mentioned. But on the other hand, occasionally I like to go ahead and let my silly side out and do it intentionally. That line about the GB driver was actually taken from a tech jargon generator specifically so it would sound like the sort of horrendous lines you'd get in action movies. Ha! Have fun with that link!
Prophetic foreshadowing, aaaand...
There it is.
What is it about every major character's Stable dying horrifically right after they leave? I swear, its like that safe tutorial stage but as soon as you leave suddenly every being alive knows where it is and comes to slaughter everyone.
A real team mascot right there. Go team!... I think.
Oh shit of fuck, so damn sorry, Luna dear.
When you fire a broadside at a Man o' War and realize that while you have indeed punched a hole in it, it's a mosquito bite at best and now you've alerted the whole ship.
Oh, I'm sorry to inconvenience you. Next time I'll just I'll ask her politely to stand just a little further to the right before blowing her brain out.
Yeah, it's called kleptomania. Duh.
"Hurry up, they're not gonna kill themselves!"
"Oh yes they are!"