• Published 6th Jan 2013
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Fallout Equestria: Taking Life By The Horns - Pokonic



A minotaur goes on a journey of self-discovery, adventure, and snark in the irradiated north. Mostly snark.

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Thanks, M. A. Larson.

"Amor et mors."


When I actually managed to get the pony who was in charge of the band of seemingly anti-slaver fighters to give over his megaphone so I could contact another third party who could feasibly be trusted, I thought I was doing something right.

When a very confused Gabriel flew down from the roof after the third or so time I yelled that it was safe, bringing a confused but happy Candy Cane with him on his back, I thought I had managed to save the town from being destroyed.

When said mercantile griffon talked to said quite possibly good pony and confirmed my own story that the town held no slaves, and, in fact, seemed to be a pretty decent community, said pony in charge of the band of anti-slaver fighters just rolled his shoulders and looked like was going to order Shiv and Shank to aim their guns at the two of us before Candy Cane made a sad face.

When Candy Cane made a sad face, Rollcall seemed to reassess his priorities and his stony slate grey face seemed to contort in strange ways before heading inside the hotel.

When Rollcall exited the hotel, he was accompanied by one of the ponies who was in the captured group, a white-coated mare with a dark pink mane and two green gems hanging from piercings on her ear, who introduced herself hesitantly to Gabriel and I as Charity. She thanked us for courageously stepping forward and for quite possibly saving the community from further destruction, and that we would be rewarded handsomely for stepping in and revealing the mistake that Rollcall's group made in assuming that they harbored slavers.

When we were led back inside the hotel itself, I saw that the townsponies were no longer gathered in a tight group and that the two given groups within the hotel were occupying roughly one half of the lobby, both eyeing each other suspiciously but not pointing guns at each other at the moment.

When I felt something odd rise up in my chest, it took me a few moments to realize that I actually managed to defuse a situation where a bunch of silly ponies where going to shoot at one another. It took me a few moments to realize that I was feeling proud of myself.

But, when the two of us were told very nicely that we were to stay in a small cheerfully painted room off to the side of the main hall, I wasn't especially pleased, nor was I happy that I was told I might have to stay in there for a while so that 'diplomatic negotiations' could go underway without outside involvement.

And so, Gabriel, Candy Cane, and myself were confined to a small room with only pony-sized chairs and a coffee machine to keep ourselves company.

We were trapped like this for about an hour.

None of us really talked to each other for most of that time, because Gabriel was keep giving me incredulous looks, I was busy hoping that the ponies outside wouldn't shoot us, and Candy Cane just kept making the machine fill small foam cups with pitch-black coffee and downed them seconds after they were filled to the brim, only to start making another cup immediately after.

After drinking the sixth or seventh cup, she stopped drinking and started to rock around in place slightly, eyes wide open and smiling brightly. I was worried at first, but Gabriel said that coffee wasn't a realdrug and she wouldn't get brain damage from it or anything, so I just moved the filly away from the door and hoped that she wouldn't crash. At least she was quiet.

But, a silence like that couldn't last, and Gabriel was the one who decided to break it fully.


"Just so you know, this plan is stupid."

I looked at the griffon, who doing his best to drink from one of the little white foam cups without his beak utterly destroying it and give me a unamused look at the same time.

"It was stupid. It isn't my plan at this point." I replied.

"I had to take off my armor and leave my gun up there to bring the kid with me;" he said sourly, pointing at the spaced-out filly sitting in one of the corners, "I mean, I don't know if you're not working for that Rollcall guy or not, or just a Purebred lackey."

I opened my mouth slightly and raised my hands in exasperation, putting my elbows on my knees and placing my head in my outstretched hands. "I'm not working for anyone. That's why I am here. To get some sort of job."

Gabriel stared at me for a few moments, looking a bit tense, but eventually just sighed and shrugged his shoulders, taking a sip of his drink. "Whatever. Doesn't matter at this point. Just would've thought that, if I was going to get shot up, whoever would kill me would leave me with my stuff. If some oversized stallion just knock's down that door in front of us, we wouldn't even nice funerals, even."

I couldn't help but smile; the griffon sounded like Copper Pot, if just a little.

"Would you want to be buried in you're armor?"

My question gave him some pause, and he mulled the question over.

"Never thought of it like that. Wouldn't see the point in it, really, unless I died fighting, which I don't plan on doing."

He paused for a few moments, looking up at the tile ceiling. "Honestly, I just don't want to be killed by some ponies and have my stuff treated like loot."

I nodded. "I suppose that is true. My kind do not bury our dead, to be honest."

He raised a eyebrow. "Huh. So you just leave the body out for everypony to see or something?"

I nodded. "Those who died in battle, or have led, have their bodies burned until they are ash. Those who simply died of accident are taken by the hunters and defenders of the community and left in a isolated location, where they are unlikely to be disturbed. Those who died in shame are carved up and left in exposed areas, to attract radhogs."

Gabriel looked a little queasy. "Yeash, that's pretty nasty."

I shrugged. "I suppose. But my community lies on a hilly plane, and the ground is hard and their are many places to hide, and most do not go out of their was to explore it. Besides, the methods of the body's disposal matters only to the living, right?"

Gabriel waved to nothing in particular with his free hand as he took another sip of coffee. "That's a way to put it."

He paused for a few moments, and attempted to scratch off what looked like a pale bloody bit of meat stuck stubbornly to the left side of his beak. "What do you think happens to us when we kick the bucket?"

It wasn't a question I expected from someone like him; he seemed to be one of those individuals who lived to live.

"It's generally rude to ask something like that without stating you're opinion first." I replied.

He raised his eyebrow at me again, but he let out a little snort of laughter.

"I'v never had a reason to think about death, cause I try to avoid getting killed, like a sane griffon." he said slowly, trying to find the right words, "Some guy's I grew up with worshiped the griffon gods, but I never saw much of a point. As far as I can tell, the only really powerful being that ever existed were the pony princesses, and both of them 'ascended' or whatever they call it, so if those two are dead or not it really doesn't matter in the long run. If I die, and there is something besides nothingness waiting for me, I hope that whatever's the big boss there could appreciate a skeptic."

I processed what he said, and after I was satisfied with it, I replied to him.

"Most of my kind believe that, after we die, we go to Tartarus."

Gabriel blinked. "Huh."

I chuckled at his reaction. "When one of my people dies, it's generally thought that their spirit is funneled into Tartarus, where they join the legions dedicated to keeping the prisoners sealed inside it. Those that died fighting are given powerful forms of brass and fire, as their mortal forms were to be destroyed and require suitable replacements in the afterlife. while those who lived normal lives join the ranks of the dead, either continuing their crafts or assisting in the armies. On the other hand, those who died unhonorable deaths are thought to join the prisoners themselves, and as such their bodies are mutilated to prevent them from being threats to there fellows."

Gabriel stared at me for a few seconds before closing his eyes and breathing in deeply.

"That's pretty awesome." he said, almost reverently, "Okay, I got to admit, any afterlife where you get to spend you're time made of metal and fire is pretty great."

"If you wish to fight. I wouldn't want to. I would rather die peacefully of age then dying because some pony thought I was trying to kill them."

He smirked slightly, but it wasn't a unfriendly smirk. "I don't blame you."

The pause that happened the conversation occurred naturally, but not unwelcomed. I watched Candy Cane for a few moments, but she seemed content to entertain herself with whatever was going on in her head.

"How was Blueberry doing?" I decided to ask, trying to keep the griffon talking now that he was in a good mood.

He didn't answer until he went to the coffee machine again and got another cup of coffee. He downed the entire cup before answering me, and that didn't mare me feel any better about the situation.

"She put on some crazy red and black magical thing and her eyes turned bright red, but otherwise she acted like any other pony in the middle of a fight. " he replied, giving me a look that told me that he demanded an answer.

"That's her Alicorn Amulet. I don't know what it is either." I replied, hoping that I didn't sound like I knew almost exactly what it was. "I wouldn't bother her with it."

"Hey, I'm not judging. She could want to be a brain in a jar for all I care, I just didn't like the way she kept eyeing Maria."

Feeling lost, I was about to question who he was talking about, until he answered me.

"Maria's the name of my gun." he replied, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, "She's the only thing I have from my home."

I looked at Gabriel, wondering how to assess him. He seemed like a good person to be on the good side of, and even if he was a little abrasive and suspicious of almost everything around him.

"Mind telling me about you're from?" I decided to ask, hoping that he wouldn't be offended.

He shook his head. "Only if you tell me why you're traveling around with a crazy unicorn and a filly, and a explanation about what was up with the fish pony thing wouldn't hurt."

I hesitated for a few moments, I will admit. But, I wouldn't want to be considered a hypocrite.

"I was exiled out of my own community because I failed a test. Blueberry was spending the night there, and we were sent out by my grandfather to this city, as she wished to go to the Crystal Empire and, in exchange for me helping her, I would get a place to live and part of what she obtained from that place, allowing me to live comfortably. We met Sea Salt; that is the name of the sea pony, on the way to Watershed, and let her free from her confinement."

"You let the giant pony eating mutant loose?" he questioned, raising a eyebrow, "Sure that was a good idea?"

"No," I replied, "but that's besides the point. Anyway, we made our way to Watershed, where we found Candy Cane in a nearby building."

Gabriel glanced over at the filly, who was currently content with rolling around on the floor and giggling lightly.

"Is she, uh, all there in the head?"

I watched her move around on the carpet, giggling and wiggling her legs was she did, and I think I waited too long to answer him.

"I would think so, but she sort of alternate's between being cute and creepy." I replied.

"Yeah, she sort of reminds me of a Dashbaby or something. Who are you taking care of her for, anyway?"

I breathed through clenched teeth, and he just shook his head at me, motioning over at the filly with a wave of a talon. "She doesn't act like she's really attached to you. You're taking care of her for a pony. Who?"

Damn it, either I was a bad liar or he was simply good at figuring things out.

"Candy Cane is an orphan. She was being raised by a ghoul who didn't trust other ponies."

Gabriel's eyes went wide for a few moments, but he soon recovered.

"Well, I was thinking that she was some Purebred's foal, she's looks clean enough, but if she got raised by a ghoul that could explain why she's..." he stopped talking for a few moments, and his feathery brow furrowed, "like that."

"I suppose you are right." I said, unsure if he was right or not. It was surely something to consider. "But I believe it's you're turn to tell me you're life story."

The griffon just rolled his eyes, but relented. "I grew up in a Stable that a few dozen griffons found and cleaned up so it was usable. It was in the mountains, so we didn't get many visitors, which was good. But there were some raiders who found out where we were, so we fought them sometimes. One day, my mom took me and my sis out of the Stable and led us to one of the raider camps and shot two stragglers. Then she gave us their guns and told us to not come back until all of them were dead."

When he was finished, I managed to close my mouth and come up with a adequate response.

"You're mother sounds like a horrible person."

He shrugged. "Eh, she's sort of a bitch, but what can I say? Tough love and all that."

I stared at the griffon, unsure how I was supposed to take that story.

"So, is Maria the gun you got from the raider?"

Apparently, I was right, because he nodded, and decided to talk about something else.

"You know, you should probably get away from that Blueberry mare. She's insane if she think's she could get to the Empire."

I was confused where that line of thinking was coming from, but I didn't comment on it. "It's irradiated, right?"

He looked at me with something between boredom and amusement. "Irradiation isn't half of it. It's surrounded by a permanent necromantic winter. Believe me, she wouldn't be the first to die trying to get through it."

I sighed lightly. "I suppose she wouldn't."

"And if she got through, she would probably have to deal with the crystal ponies." he continued, "If there's any left, anyway."

I realized what he was saying, and I decided to jump at the topic. "What make's a crystal pony different then a regular one?"

Gabriel took another sip of coffee, apparently giving it thought.

"Well, they are really weird. I'v only met one, but she was kinda glittery. I found her halfway buried in snow and she didn't have any symptoms of frostbite or anything, but her skin felt cold as ice. She said she was stuck like that for years, but she also didn't know the war ended or knew what her name was, so..."

Gabriel stopped speaking and his wing's flared a bit, as if he had nothing else to say.

"Are they actually made of crystals?" I asked.

"Honestly, I don't know." he replied, sounding baffled himself, "I think they're pretty much like ghouls, but shinier. Like, as long as they are shiny or whatever, they won't die naturally."

"That's really... bizarre." I replied, feeling like I he had as much as an idea about what they really were as I did, "I have heard stories about how the Empire is still inhabited."

Gabriel didn't answer my question, because he was too busy looking utterly scared for his life.

"Creatures, cease you're ignorant prattling." a unfamiliar, powerfully feminine voice echoed from the other end of the room, but it was loud enough to make me feel like it was speaking right in my ear.

When I looked at what was standing in front of the open door, I nearly pissed myself. I have no shame in admitting that.

It was a pony, or something like a pony, as tall as I was and colored a blue so dark I almost mistook it for black at first glance, from mane to coat to tail. It had wings as large as Gabriel's, easily, and it had a horn that was probably taller then Blueberry herself.

It also looked amazingly bored as it stared at us, standing still like a statue, even with Candy Cane laying on her back almost directly in front of it and trying to look as small as possible.

"We will ask you to follow Us only once." it spoke, as apathetic and cruel as anything that has ever lived, "This is that time."

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