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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Wow,this was a really,really disturbing chapter,out of every fallout equestria stories i read this has to be the first time that the main character gets raped.I hope that everything turns out well for Evergreen.
{transmission begins} Doooo yooou knoooow whaaat tiiiime it is?!
Iiiiit's show time!... No, not really, it's review time.
Gods, I love this story. Now, not everything is as polished as I'd personally like it to be, for example, even after what... fifteen chapters, I still don't know what to feel about the protagonist. To me, she seems the do-gooder type with the oh-so great moral dillemas and all "oh noes, I gotta save everyone" vibe, but she did lead a gang of raiders for three (seven? Sorry I can't remember, not your fault, dear author, I've got hippocampus issues) years which makes her kinda badass, as well as she's an earth pony with a giant revolver. That counts too, you know.
On the other hand are your descriptions, mostly terrain and locations. My memory isn't as bad, as not to remember anything about the story settings. I just picture the surrounding wasteland as a set of brown grayish plains and the city itself, like Washington DC from fallout 3.
These are however heavily outweighed by something I love in games, books, paintings and other kinds of art (yes, I do in fact belive that videogames are art). This thing is OF COURSE tha all encompassing feeling of worthlessness and despair. Many fics lack this, as if the authors forgot that this is in fact a post-apocalyptic wasteland, that resources are scarce and that the strong do not hesitate to take anything and everything from the weak.
The protagonist, inspite of being strong, both of will and body, is incapable of fending off assailants because of a simple electric current application device. This sense of despair and how you are clearly able to see that people are barely surviving and nothing truly new has been built for quite some time, is why I truly loved Fallout 3 (at least for the first few hours, then I got a plasma rifle and killed dethclaws in three shots) and the reason I shall keep on reading Redemption. Keep up the good work and may whatever god(s) or other supernatural power(s) be with you.
Revelling in the despair and sadness-
-janekfan
{transmission ends abruptly}
3854772
You see, it's reviews like this that I absolutely love to see. Not only are you letting me know what you liked, but you're showing me things where i can improve as well (I don't get a lot of that from peeps excluding my editors). For where you mentioned polish I agree completely with what you were saying about terrain and settings. Unfortunately that's not something I'm particularly skilled at, but it is something I've been trying to improve.
On the other hand, as far as Evergreen goes, it is incredibly difficult for me to completely adjust her outlook, moral dilemmas, and what have you wihout doing a major personality shft. So yeah, I get where you're coming from when you say that she tends to have the same traits as other protagonists (do-gooder, save everything, yadda-yadda) which is why I at least try to give her a different way of going at it (hopefully that's come across a bit).
And thanks for the praise as well! If there is one thing I pride myself on in my writing, it's being able to fully understand a given situation and take it to its realistic end (hence the events towards the end of this chapter).
tl;dr: Thanks for providing me with the kind of feedback that lets me actually improve the story by showing me what I really need to focus on more. It is greatly appreciated.
3856749 {transmission begins} Well you see, replies from authors like this one make it worth commenting, it just feels nice that my constructive criticism has been taken into account. I've started reading rangers of seamane and I have been putting out those comments of mine every second chapter and although I realise I might be slightly late for the party, it would be nice for the author to at least acknowledge that they read the comment. I don't know how fimfiction works in that account, does it tell the author when someone comments on their story?
Well, that las bit made me seem like quite the attention seeker, as well as someone who likes to pour his angst onto others, didn't it? Terribly sorry for that, just something that came to mind whilst reading your reply.
Anyways, keep up the good work.
signing off -
janekfan
{transmission ends abruptly}
3860024
From what I've noticed, the website does give a notification when someone comments on a story, but I have to refresh the page to see the comments. Honestly, I tend to check comments a lot because I do look for any new ones, because if people are taking the time to comment on my work, I should take the time to read what they have to say, and it it is something more than the usual "Good job" (like yours was) I like to point out what I get out of the comments. Also, if people ask something, or imply a question, I like to clarify. Also, I just realized that your comment was extremely recent, thought that may be because it was a reply to my comment, and I got an email telling me about that... Whatever, I just like showing the people that read my stuff that I do care about what they think.
4090115
Do you remember that thing in her brain with her that has made her go wonky in the past? I think that same thing is at play here, more subtly this time, but still influencing how she thinks. That would explain her sudden changes in mentality and self-worth.
As for how she was a raider, she ran more of a gang than a raider band. Her raider would not mutilate and/or prolong the death of a victim. And while she may not have been able to prevent all of that, I think she certainly prevented all that she was able to see. And in that same spirit, she also condoned rape, though she was a bit desensitized to it. However, in these past couple of weeks she has been able to pretty much stop all of that from happening, which has degraded her desensitization to the point where she is right now. Also, you can't forget how much of an impact these mental attacks can be from Mr. Death-And-Destruction, because honestly, we don't really know the extent to which he can attack her brain, other than it is probably only able to target her mental processes.
I'm not sure how helpful this was to you, and can only hope that it opened your eyes to some new possibilities that you haven't considered as of yet. See you the next time our particles cross.
-TheZouave