Alright let me start off with some things I didn't like.
The premise of the story seems a tad rushed. In some of the more highly acclaimed stories, such as Project Horizons and the original Fo:E, the problem at the beggining is typically pretty trivial. Find Velevet Remedy/ Follow P-21 out of the stable. In both stories, reasons to set the story in motion seem very simple and easily resolved, and when they get out in the wasteland they play 'hero' and dig themselves a nice big plot to fill up. Yours? It rushes into a pretty big conflict right off the bat. This is going to hurt your story farthet down the road. Why? The same reasoning with 'sequels are never better than the first one.' The starting conflict is amazing. And that's the problem, its just to amazing. Unless this is going to be a short story or you're going to drag and milk this story arc for as long as you can, you better have another pretty damn good plot.
Now here is a little world building hole you actually had. Assuming that Updraft is doing this around the the time that Pip goes out to find Velvet, the part where it says something about the sun beating down on her head should not exist. The original states, many times, that you can't see any solar bodies. So I find it doubtful she can even feel heat, since the atmosphere is clouded with smog.
Now, as much as I hate to say this, there's a part in this story I can barely stand.
The fight scene. There's 3 things in this scene that are completely haywire, and quite frankly, I'm disapointed.
First- The surrounding enviroment around the fight and the townsponies themsleves.
I'm putting a bit of 'two in one here, as the townsponies is the 'surrounding enviroment' I had the problem with. Apperantly, this small pegasus has just body slammed another huge, gangster pony. And what do the townsponies do? Nothing, at least as far as I know. This part to me sticks like a flaming torch, as the rest of the narration of this story is just phenomonal. Then we get to this part. The narration wasn't bad, the problem here is the lack there of. Hardly any narration how they react. Do they watch? Do they try to get help? Why arn't they trying to help? That's the other half of the problem I have. In the get go of the story, we get a bit of lore on the town. They had been fighting off raiders, slavers, and 4 other gangs, single hoofedly and when a mare starts getting pushed around at a bar suddenly they're powerless to do anything. Which brings me to my next point...
Third- My biggest problem with this story is... characterzation. You make out this pegasus to be very sensible, caring and quite the hard worker. She's a small pegasus, so she must not be very strong but very agile... right? So when I saw the evidence of a fight scene tapping itself in, I thought you were going to writre this bad-ass scene where she was going to win her fight with speed, agility and smarts. Like she would zip around, make them hit each other, wear them out. (Oh just a side note, you seem to forget your characters a Pegasus, she never really used flying to her advantage in the fight. Also, the mention of the Wing-Sabres, my first thought wasn't "Wow, that's creative and cool!" (Which it is) no, it was "why the hell isn't she wearing them at all times? She's a gaurd isn't she?) Anyway, it would've been really cool if you had done that. Instead, she body slams an Earth pony who, is not only taller but probably stronger than her, right into a wall. With no consequences. WHAT. THE. FUSCHA. Okay, I gotta breath. You get the Updraft here, right? From now have her use her strengths. Don't have her rush headfirst into a battle she should lose.
Yay! That was sorta fun! Positive time! Your narration and dialouge for this story is perfect. I didn't feel like I read 5,000 words because the sentences flowed so smoothly and was just so enjoyable.Story and Lore building are really good as well. Your attention detail is impeccable as well.
Dislikes- Small plot hole, slight world building mistake, fight scene.
3985026 Thanks! I hope I can live up to whatever expectations you may have
Eheeh oh yes! You'll be my first story to judge!
Won't this be fun?
Alright let me start off with some things I didn't like.
The premise of the story seems a tad rushed. In some of the more highly acclaimed stories, such as Project Horizons and the original Fo:E, the problem at the beggining is typically pretty trivial. Find Velevet Remedy/ Follow P-21 out of the stable. In both stories, reasons to set the story in motion seem very simple and easily resolved, and when they get out in the wasteland they play 'hero' and dig themselves a nice big plot to fill up. Yours? It rushes into a pretty big conflict right off the bat. This is going to hurt your story farthet down the road. Why? The same reasoning with 'sequels are never better than the first one.' The starting conflict is amazing. And that's the problem, its just to amazing. Unless this is going to be a short story or you're going to drag and milk this story arc for as long as you can, you better have another pretty damn good plot.
Now here is a little world building hole you actually had. Assuming that Updraft is doing this around the the time that Pip goes out to find Velvet, the part where it says something about the sun beating down on her head should not exist. The original states, many times, that you can't see any solar bodies. So I find it doubtful she can even feel heat, since the atmosphere is clouded with smog.
Now, as much as I hate to say this, there's a part in this story I can barely stand.
The fight scene. There's 3 things in this scene that are completely haywire, and quite frankly, I'm disapointed.
First- The surrounding enviroment around the fight and the townsponies themsleves.
I'm putting a bit of 'two in one here, as the townsponies is the 'surrounding enviroment' I had the problem with. Apperantly, this small pegasus has just body slammed another huge, gangster pony. And what do the townsponies do?
Nothing, at least as far as I know.
This part to me sticks like a flaming torch, as the rest of the narration of this story is just phenomonal. Then we get to this part. The narration wasn't bad, the problem here is the lack there of. Hardly any narration how they react. Do they watch? Do they try to get help? Why arn't they trying to help? That's the other half of the problem I have. In the get go of the story, we get a bit of lore on the town. They had been fighting off raiders, slavers, and 4 other gangs, single hoofedly and when a mare starts getting pushed around at a bar suddenly they're powerless to do anything. Which brings me to my next point...
Second- You used the 'One pony army' cliché.
Oh man, you forced this cliché on this story hard. Coming off a bit from the last one, these ponies have survived and held off, much worse than 2 gangsters. Also, is Updraft the only kind of military/police force this town has? Everypony in this town should be skilled in some fighting, because Updraft can't possibly fight every other threat to their city. Are all the other gaurds asleep? Patrolling somewhere else? Neglecting the situation because they don't want to make enemies with the gang they're from? You made all of these ponies bad-ass as Gordon Freeman, and now they can't do anything about 2 gangsters?
Third- My biggest problem with this story is...
characterzation. You make out this pegasus to be very sensible, caring and quite the hard worker. She's a small pegasus, so she must not be very strong but very agile... right? So when I saw the evidence of a fight scene tapping itself in, I thought you were going to writre this bad-ass scene where she was going to win her fight with speed, agility and smarts. Like she would zip around, make them hit each other, wear them out. (Oh just a side note, you seem to forget your characters a Pegasus, she never really used flying to her advantage in the fight. Also, the mention of the Wing-Sabres, my first thought wasn't "Wow, that's creative and cool!" (Which it is) no, it was "why the hell isn't she wearing them at all times? She's a gaurd isn't she?) Anyway, it would've been really cool if you had done that. Instead, she body slams an Earth pony who, is not only taller but probably stronger than her, right into a wall. With no consequences.
WHAT.
THE.
FUSCHA.
Okay, I gotta breath. You get the Updraft here, right? From now have her use her strengths. Don't have her rush headfirst into a battle she should lose.
Yay! That was sorta fun! Positive time!
Your narration and dialouge for this story is perfect. I didn't feel like I read 5,000 words because the sentences flowed so smoothly and was just so enjoyable.Story and Lore building are really good as well. Your attention detail is impeccable as well.
Dislikes- Small plot hole, slight world building mistake, fight scene.
Neutral- Updraft.
Likes- Everythin' else.
I'll keep an eye on this story!