• Published 6th Jan 2013
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Fallout Equestria: Taking Life By The Horns - Pokonic



A minotaur goes on a journey of self-discovery, adventure, and snark in the irradiated north. Mostly snark.

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Instead Of A Dark Lord, They Have A Queen

"The what?" I asked, confused. "What's a Legate?"

Umbra, to my mild relief, relaxed her stance and moved back slowly, even if the distrust and anger in her animalistic eyes made me a little scared. "You don't know. You have no clue. You are a Steel Ranger, and you don't know what the word Legate means"

"Um, no." I said honestly. "I have no clue."

Pausing, I looked up, mostly to avoid looking at her directly.

"It does sound like a zebra word, though." I said, hoping that I was right. "Is it a zebra word?"

Umbra let out a long, low growl. "Bitter Truth was the war leader of the greatest threat in this part of the north in a hundred years."

She gave a quick glance out to the radio tower, trailed off to the electrical fence that covered the front half of the house that was visible from here, and looked at me.

"You really don't know." she deadpanned. "He doesn't know either, I take it?"

"He barely knows his dad, and Bitter Truth was a bit grandfatherly to him, he didn't say anything about their relationship to him at all."

Umbra looked like she had been shot for a few seconds, eyes wide and mouth open, before getting her emotions in control and frowning.

"Figures that old brute's still around. So, where's he at right now?"

I wasn't sure if it was right to tell her, frankly. I didn't want to be the pony who gave up the location of the only peaceful minotaur settlement that I knew to exist.

"I don't think Ever Watchful would like it if I did that. But I might tell you if you tell me what's the meaning behind calling him a 'heir to the Legate.' Actually, it might help if you told me what that even means first."

Umbra paused, giving me a foul look. Not because of me, no; it was the subject.

"I guess it could."

She flexed her wings out, as if to test the air.

"Fifty years ago or so, there were minotaurs living in Tauronto. Like the one's out west, but not the same. The one's out west pretend to be savages. The one's around Tauronto...were."

She looked up, shuddering.

"The whole city has roots on a old minotaur one, really. Entire place is one giant maze a few miles down; they lived in it, a thousand years or so ago, before ponies came up and found it abandoned. Could have been a plague, could have been a war, but it was empty as a tomb. But they built a city on it, and minotaurs still lived outside it."

I didn't want to question her words, but I couldn't help but doubt that. How would she know what the world was like a thousand and two hundred years ago?

"The minotaur's were really at war with Caledonia, in the end. But their old city got nuked, so they were left without homes. Some followed a leader, and some didn't. They were too few to cause much trouble, as they didn't use guns, but they were around on the outskirts. Sometimes one wandered in and made a name for himself; they died quickly enough that when the next wave of would-be lords and ladies came in they didn't have any competition."

Umbra sighed.

"And then Bitter Truth came down from the north with a herd of buffalo."

I tilted my head, finding a hole in her story. "Why was there buffalo so far north? I thought they lived down south."

Umbra shook her head, giving me a faint smile. "You know, I think I said that a long time ago. But no, your right. Apparently, there was a Stable out in the north where they had buffalo and minotaurs in it. It must have opened or something."

Her smile turned downward, brow furrowing. "But that's not the point. The point is, Bitter Truth got a bunch of minotaur tribals together into a fighting force and up and invaded Tauronto. The Legion of The Red Bull. He tried to make himself look good by trying to mimic the zebras."

She snorted.

"A bunch of savages armed with spears and swords, that's all they were. Brute strength and numbers. They could send ten of their solders to die and lose nothing. Scout with stealthbucks snuck in first, and then the buffalo came around a few days before the actual attack, telling anypony to either move out or die, and then the stealthed minotaurs attacked from inside areas of real resistance while the actual army just killed off stragglers who survived the sabotage. Kicked out a lot of the raiders that used to be around and killed off a lot of the ponies in the worst parts of the city, but they killed everypony they saw, didn't matter if you attacked first or not. They took slaves, yeah, but nopony knows what happened to them."

She paused, giving me a expecting look. "And nothing lives up north past Tauronto. Go west and turn up, yeah, but there's a big empty patch where nothing lives. Just green snow that never melts and big forests. Nothing that far north besides the Crystal Empire, and they couldn't do anything there, so no one really knows what they did with the slaves. Could've sacrificed them to their gods or something or ate them, don't know."

"What's the matter with the Empire?" I asked, raising a eyebrow, "I thought it wasn't that bad?"

Umbra sighed in disgust. "You don't know?"

I shook my head. "I don't."

"Do you know why crystals are needed for machinery?" the bat mare said slowly, words drawn out so I could hear every syllable.

"Magic." I responded immediately, adding a little force into my voice to make sure she knew that I knew that she had no right to talk to me like a inferior, "Crystals naturally store magical power, and magic can be focused through crystal easier than any other substance."

"Yeah. Now, what do you think a city made of crystal does when it get's hit by a giant bomb filled with necromantic, radioactive dragonfire," she drawled. "when there's a big shield of love and joy around it?"

I shrugged, saying nothing.

She gave me something like a smile. "Nothing was touched. The entire city survived without a single casualty. But the balefire ..."

Umbra flapped her wings once, perhaps because of irritation. "The crystal adsorbed the balefire, kind of. Seen it myself, place glows at night. In some places, the fire breaks out."

Something clicked. "So the place is a giant deathtrap."

"Yeah. It's like, the worst deathtrap." Umbra repeated, sitting up and spreading her hooves widely in the air, like she was measuring something far-off, "I mean, in Hoofington or Canterlot you can just walk in and have a chance to live. The Crystal Empire isn't even worth it if your a ghoul, because the Crystal Ponies notice you."

"Crystal Ponies? Like, ghouls?"

Umbra blinked, and let out a dry chuckle.

"Nah, like, Crystal Ponies. Still shiny and everything, They didn't really die, like normal ponies; I mean, they were gone for a thousand years, what's two hundred more on them?"

"...Huh." I said, too stunned to think about the real implications of what she was saying.

"Yeah, it's funny. I met one, before the war; I thought she was a little dead inside, the way she acted. Thought she was just depressed or something, bu-"

"Look." I said firmly, raising a hoof, "I'm going there, but I don't need to be told about the place right now. You are going with Watchful and I, right?"

She suddenly looks passive, seemingly ignoring the world around her for a few seconds. Her irises widened slightly, and for a few seconds I thought she stopped breathing.

It was really creepy.

"I am going with Candy Cane. Candy Cane is going with you." she said pointedly, like it was rehearsed. "If you want, I could get you into the inner city, but you better not tell anyone about Ever Watchful being...you know."

"Okay." I said, "That's okay. As much as I want to talk to you, I need to go talk to him right now. We both need to get some information on Tauronto, and neither of us knows more then the other. Mind telling us what to expect when we are heading up the road?"

The bat pony looked at me oddly. For a few seconds, she looked immeasurably younger. I could almost ignore the yellowed whites of her eyes and the signs of dry rot around her hooves and wings and pretend that she was a perfectly normal pony that happened to have strange wings and slitted eyes.

"Purebred-owned place, about thirty ponies. Small town in a big hotel, two highly trained guards and one powerful Purebred landowner. Sells fruit to keep the bits flowing, there's a small fighting ring set in it as well. No slaves, but they let ponies bring their own."

She licked the side of her mouth in thought, and I was surprised at the dark shade of red her tongue was.

"Only rules they have are against ghouls entering the building, and that pretty much includes me. I think I could sleep on the roof anyway. Watchful should be fine as long as he doesn't do anything to set anypony on edge."

"Do you like the Purebreds?" I asked, trying to sound nonjudgmental. "I mean, Nightcore's a member of them, and you seem to be friends with her."

Umbra looked at me in the strange way she did before, like she was a schoolfilly who wasn't expecting to be asked a question.

"Nightcore's different. She got in as a gift, didn't pay for her rank in it. But the slavers, them? Those are what I can't stand. A lot of Reavers couldn't care about making distinctions between individual members and just kill them. I don't like that. A lot of them are just ponies."

Nodding, I looked behind me, just to make sure that there wasn't anyone listening in on the conversation. A habit that marked me as slightly paranoid, perhaps, but it's saved me a few times.

"Hey, would you mind striking up a conversation with Ever Watchful, just to tell him about Tauronto? While we are on the road, of course."

Umbra blinked, and while she didn't frown, her mouth hung open slightly and lines formed under her eyes.

"Huh? That's a little sneaky, I mean, just to...plan something like that. Something that should just be a normal conversation."

"It is, but I would like it if everyone knew the same basis of information."

She blinked again.

"I guess that's fair." she said, before suddenly breaking out in a rather raspy laugh. "I think I get you better now, Cream. I think I get you a lot better now."

"Call me Blueberry." I asked politely, watching as Umbra nodded in confirmation, "Or Blueberry Cream."

"Blueberry it is-" Umbra said quickly as she half-jumped skyward, turning to me after she had flown a few feet away from the railing, "-and do you want a burger?"

It was my turn to blink, confused at the topic change.

"Huh?"

"The brahman." she said happily, "the one on the spit. Lot's to go around."

"I think I will pass." I said, trying to keep the contents of my stomach down. "I saw Sea Salt eat the other one."

Umbra looked confused before looking at the large bloody patch on the ground, giving me a wince.

"I couldn't blame you for that."

And with that, silently, she decended with a flap of her wings.

I stared at the space that the strange creature had occupied a few moments before.

Suddenly, I realized I hadn't eaten in a day and a half.

I needed to fix that.


I realized that something strange was going on when I saw that Ever Watchful was not in the house, but my things were still where I left them.

When I noticed that the back door was open, I felt some relief.

As I made my way outside, I could only hope that the two monstermares and the filly to the right of me didn't notice the way I slowly, cautiously, made my over to the radio tower.

When I was at the door, I sighed.

When I opened the door, ever so slowly, I didn't know what to make of what I saw at first.


The Mr. Handy in the center of the cluttered room wasn't on at the moment, but for a few seconds I thought I was about to get shot. Then again, it was upside down and powered down, so I shouldn't have thought that I was going to get shot anyway.

The two others in the room, however, seemed to be under the impression that I should have been. Or, at the very least, I should have knocked before entering.

I saw Nightcore first. She didn't seem to have moved from her spot, cigarette holder still held off to the side, but her expression was now one of worry. She didn't seem to enjoy the fact I was back in her little domain.

Ever Watchful, on the other hand, had his back turned to the door, but I noticed the small tubular object clasped in his right hand, pale colored and with rounded edges. I don't think I have seen it before.

Both of them turned to me, and both shared a curious look of surprise at my entrance.

"Blueberry, would you mind looking over that robot and figuring out what's wrong with it?" Watchful asked politely, calmly, even as it was quickly becoming obvious that I was not exactly expected to be here.

I looked at Nightcore. She looked at me with red-rimmed eyes, eyes watery and hair in a slight frizz. The room smelled odd, like wet wood trying to burn.

"What are you two doing, anyway?" I said, moving over to the robot on the floor as slowly as possible, making sure Watchful saw that I saw the tube in his hand.

He spoke up immediately.

"I found this," he raised his left hand, the one he was using to hold the tube,"in Watershed. It had a code on it, and I thought Nightcore would want to see it."

I frowned, upset. "Why didn't you tell me this? I could have looked at it."

He gave me a sad look, and for a few moments I thought he was going to stutter out some silly lie.

"I did, Blueberry. You didn't know."

I kept looking at him until I figured that, well, what would you know, I had nothing to say to that, so I just turned my attention to the prone robot, trying to forget I had even said anything about the stupid thing in his hand.

Looking the machine over, I went over what I noticed about it in my head. It only had three arms, and two of them were simple graspers; a odd feature. While it was a typical Type-1 in most respects, it's blowtorch and saw were removed, and that a small plasma gun was attached on one of the hands. The grey-with-blue-outlines paint job marked it as a simple civilian modal, but the single gun was rather military-spec and very much out of place.

I looked up, noticing that the tube was now in Nightcore's magical grip, Ever Watchful simply standing near her, face unreadable.

"I need a screwdriver." I announced. "It looks like a internal issue."

Nightcore motioned to my right, and it took me a few seconds to notice that there was a small collection of tools set on a mat next to me, including a few screwdrivers of varying size. Shrugging, I took one and made my way on the robot.

After a few moments of struggle, I carefully raised the bottom hinge off, limbs and jet propeller and all. A quick look showed me the issue immediately; the microfusion breeder, the same sort of power device that powered Self Defense, was disconnected from the actual motor. The actual breeder wasn't broken, but it seems that the wires were loose.

That was a good thing, a very good thing, because if it was broken, considering how long I had been around it, I could have died from the radiation it would be giving off before I could run out the door.

With that in mind, I set the lid back in place, screwed it back on tightly, and went over the diagnostic spell in my head as I lifted the robot right side up.

It was actually far simpler then what most ponies thought of when they thought 'diagnostic'. It doesn't actually tell one anything, and it was useless if you didn't know what you were looking for. It just helped you find something with one's magic that you couldn't see.

To put it into laymare's terms, I quickly found the loose wire, and tugged it back into place.

I felt a bit of pride when I noticed the sound the motor starting up, and smiled when I saw one the yellow mechanical eyes look at me. I could almost believe it was looking at me with curiosity, but it was a robot. It couldn't feel anything. AI's weren't like ponies, really, but they were just enough like them for some ponies to get fooled into thinking that they really were sentient.

"It has been one-million seventeen hundred forty three thousand and two hundred and forty hours since I last served you, Ms. Nightcore." the robot whirred in some strange, clipped accent. "How can I assist you today?"

I went over the numbers it spouted in my head, and stopped when I realized what it was saying. I looked at Nightcore, who was looking rather mortified herself.

"Jenkins, go out on patrol." she said clearly. "Do not stop until I say otherwise. Do not harm anypony."

"Of course, mylady." the robot says as it angled it's eyes to get a look at the three living creatures in the room around it. "Shall I arrange a bath?"

"No, it's quite fine. Go along now." Nightcore said, a little firmer now.

The robot couldn't bow, but it's leftmost eye bobbed lightly in the air before it made it's way out the front door.

I could only notice that Ever Watchful didn't realize the significance of the robot's words, and Nightcore just keep looking at me pleadingly.

"I wanted a way to keep this place safe on the off chance I would be leaving, so I got that old thing out." she explained quickly, too quickly.

I nodded very slowly, mostly as a way of showing that I knew she was lying through her teeth.

Looking at Ever Watchful, I saw that he was giving me a odd, concerned look.

My stomach rumbled.

Nightcore, putting her cigarette holder down, smiled weakly at me.

"The rarebit's still downstairs, if you want it." she said feebly, hopefully.

I gave her a small smile.

"Thank you." I said, making my way past Ever Watchful in order to go down the leftmost hallway.

He didn't say anything, simply giving me a strange, thoughtful look. I didn't say anything, but I hoped that, from the look I was giving him, he realized that we were going to have a long, very in depth-conversation soon.

As I took a right, made my way down the stairs, and reached the door that held what was probably going to be my breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I realized two things:

1. My neck did not hurt anymore.

and, less importantly,

2. I was the only normal pony in this entire place.

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