I certainly plan on sticking with it! Not only is your fic unique in the FOE universe (that I've seen) in having Zebra main characters, but it's also well written and interesting.
3415660 Doomande! Thanks for the review man, and I'm glad you liked the chapter. And thanks for the little nitpicks as usual, they're helpful as always!
Who knew that a mix of couch medicine, aspirins, chamomile tea made you both high and sleepy? So yea, that is my excuse for being late with the review in this way. So let us begin with the REVIEW TIME!
Hmm I do not know what it was, if it is just me being Danish and used to our odd syntax, my half tired head or a third thing, but the first segment, the one with the boiling water dream, did just seem to be of a lower quality than your normal writing. Sure it is a difficult thing to write, the tone and theme being so lucid and fluid and odd and not needing to make sense, but there was still something off about it that I can´t fully set my finger on.
So Bunker... I like that place, but boy was there something missing from the trip to it. It is rather clear that you have been stressed and that there have been other changes in your world as well, because this chapter is not at all at the level of your norm. Sure all your lovely special mystical and interesting touches were there, we got a mare with a bunch of scars, and a clone with a single one, we got some intrigues from a certain little miss that are beginning to act like she are having an ownership over a doctor, and a lot of other small things that keep your story alive. But there was a lot of telling and not as much showing as there used to be. It is not weird that it is like that with such things happening around you, all are having a chapter there are weaker than the others for one or other reason, but I would advice you to go back to this chapter on a later point and polish it up, it is not the plot or actions there are lacking, just the wording and presentation.
Nitpicks: "Otherwise we were in for a long day of walking. * * * Charmer’s body nearly disappeared against the riverbank where she was laying and trying to peek over the side without being noticed;" I do not know why it is so, but the lines are stolen here in the fimfic edition of the fic. I do remember that you before have mentioned that there are many other small formation mistakes when you are asking the site to take the g-docs file and upload it, so maybe would you get a better result by a copy paste, just an idea.
"Besides, I was quickly more troubled by Vulpe’s face still looking down at me instead of inside with my brother, Tinker and Charmer where it was probably safer than out in the Wasteland in the quickly approaching nighttime." I think that you are missing a word in this sentence, it does at least look to me that you are lacking a "being" before your inside.
"Tinker just rolled her eyes and pressed against me while we walked, trying to stay on one side while ponies in grease coated coveralls talked in front of an open panel in the wall." You are having a double space between while and we here, and you can easily catch them all by doing an F+Crtl search for them, that is how I usually kills them while I pre-read
SANDY!!!!!!!!!!! Oh God I missed her ^_^ I know I wasn't around when you started but I intend to stick around for the conclusion of this magnimopus of yours ^_^ As always thank you for your existence ^_^... ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
Love you too, buddy.
As said on Cloudsville, amazing as always.
I certainly plan on sticking with it! Not only is your fic unique in the FOE universe (that I've seen) in having Zebra main characters, but it's also well written and interesting.
3415660
Doomande! Thanks for the review man, and I'm glad you liked the chapter. And thanks for the little nitpicks as usual, they're helpful as always!
Who knew that a mix of couch medicine, aspirins, chamomile tea made you both high and sleepy? So yea, that is my excuse for being late with the review in this way. So let us begin with the REVIEW TIME!
Hmm I do not know what it was, if it is just me being Danish and used to our odd syntax, my half tired head or a third thing, but the first segment, the one with the boiling water dream, did just seem to be of a lower quality than your normal writing. Sure it is a difficult thing to write, the tone and theme being so lucid and fluid and odd and not needing to make sense, but there was still something off about it that I can´t fully set my finger on.
So Bunker... I like that place, but boy was there something missing from the trip to it. It is rather clear that you have been stressed and that there have been other changes in your world as well, because this chapter is not at all at the level of your norm. Sure all your lovely special mystical and interesting touches were there, we got a mare with a bunch of scars, and a clone with a single one, we got some intrigues from a certain little miss that are beginning to act like she are having an ownership over a doctor, and a lot of other small things that keep your story alive. But there was a lot of telling and not as much showing as there used to be. It is not weird that it is like that with such things happening around you, all are having a chapter there are weaker than the others for one or other reason, but I would advice you to go back to this chapter on a later point and polish it up, it is not the plot or actions there are lacking, just the wording and presentation.
Nitpicks:
"Otherwise we were in for a long day of walking.
* * *
Charmer’s body nearly disappeared against the riverbank where she was laying and trying to peek over the side without being noticed;" I do not know why it is so, but the lines are stolen here in the fimfic edition of the fic. I do remember that you before have mentioned that there are many other small formation mistakes when you are asking the site to take the g-docs file and upload it, so maybe would you get a better result by a copy paste, just an idea.
"Besides, I was quickly more troubled by Vulpe’s face still looking down at me instead of inside with my brother, Tinker and Charmer where it was probably safer than out in the Wasteland in the quickly approaching nighttime." I think that you are missing a word in this sentence, it does at least look to me that you are lacking a "being" before your inside.
"Tinker just rolled her eyes and pressed against me while we walked, trying to stay on one side while ponies in grease coated coveralls talked in front of an open panel in the wall." You are having a double space between while and we here, and you can easily catch them all by doing an F+Crtl search for them, that is how I usually kills them while I pre-read
SANDY!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh God I missed her ^_^
I know I wasn't around when you started but I intend to stick around for the conclusion of this magnimopus of yours ^_^
As always thank you for your existence ^_^...
^_^
^_^
^_^