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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I am normally pretty good at reading between the lines, finding themes hinted at, and what not, but beside the doubt of what to do with the foals in the chapter before is this doubt coming pretty much out of the blue. Symphony have been one determined stallion up until this point, moving heaven and earth to get what he wanted, heck he left his sister to get what he wanted earlier and killed his first pony for it as well. Now that he are slowly getting used to killing, him changing his rules for the 5th time or so do he suddenly get hit with doubt... I have not really said anything before now, every story have its weak points, but we have gone down hill very fast the last few chapters.
Its understandable that Symphony would trust his life to a ghoul to save Carnage his newfound brother, it made more than enough sense that he trusted Packrat blindly when she came to his rescue and had a PipBuck with a blip on it that could have been his brother, but then do we suddenly shoot characters left and right in the head, even saving one that dosn't hold back in how much of a raider bitch she was/is, and take on some random adventures that by this point have lasted about a short week, more than enough time for Carnage to be killed off by the raiders 7 times over, raiders which leader Packrat apparently killed, "She had saved my life at the Fun Store, killed the Carbine-raider before he could harm us" and are now back in the crystal wasteland because Packrat got distracted...
The story in the first chapter was on point, it showed the Wasteland to the readers, made us love that we hated how much we loved certain chars, made so many black and white situations grey and muddy and made us really think deeply about them. The first arc made me go "Ohh hell no!" and gushing to my girlfriend about how I had found a new promising story to sink into. It made every action leave an impact, made every hard choice doubt ourselves and ask if we could take the same heavy steps if we were in Symphony's situation, each bad action actually meant something, the theme of FoE "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" shining from each single word, and fuck remembering that first chapter with the comicbook plottwist still gives me shivers... But now are foals being maimed, hoofs and eyes splattering and I do not lift an eyebrow since Symphony dosn't seem to care, heck him having a casual buddy buddy talk with Shadow seems to have a bigger personal impact on him than the scene with the foals had, and I think that the thing that bothers me the most about the foal harming is that no one else cared either. Sure Packrat was stunned by the whole thing and could not act, but she did not react on it as such afterwards. No big "We saved you to do better" scene that made miss Raider bitch think for two seconds, no "I am disappointed..." and a hurt look in her eyes, nope we get a story about how all use childsoldiers, so nothing wrong with it at all, and Packrat have a guilt trip and wants to do better...
Sorry for the long and incoherent rant, but I had praised this story to high heavens not so long ago, saying how this story did was PH tried to do and succeeded, and now do I feel that we have sunk lower than PH. PH had at least Blackjack be angsty and emo over how bleak the wasteland is, and right now is my best comparison that Symphony are going full Shinji from Neon Genesis Evangelion... Yes I went there, and no I am not sorry.
Seeing who we meet at the end would I say that the last segment should have been moved to the next chapter, perfect cliff hanger material, and would have allowed the last scene some more words. That they meet, so few words are said, and then part again seems awfully empty and a waste of the scene, and in general does it leave me even more confused about what to think about it all since that as well seemed to have so much more potential, but it was still a nice scene, just could have used a bit more words.
Nitpicks:
"She had saved my life at the Fun Store, killed the Carbine-raider before he could harm us, and she had taken me to her home. I felt indebted to her. I also doubted Maud Pie would be willing to lend me her ponies if I returned to her without Packrat. " Word for word what you said in the last chapter as well.
"Packrat slipped a bottle into her bag. “Hydra. Never leave the Caravan without it.”" Pretty sure that the FoE version of Hydra is a syringe just as the Fo version is... Something about 3 needles if I remember correctly, but it have been ages since PH
"She was pacing in a circle. "Linebreak
"The mare with the shotgun was aiming her weapon back and forth. " Linebreak
"Packrat…." Delete a period
"She stashed away her shotgun. She gulped down a healing potion. Her small wounds began to heal. She inspected her wing. She moved it up and down with her hoof. She grunted and flew up towards the second floor" Almost 5 sentences in a row that start with "she"
“I….” Remove a period
" Just a smile…." Same as above
"I smiled at her before resuming my star gazing. " linebreak