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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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So a choice of Raiders, Slavers or Enclave refugees?
Yeah, the Enclave would probably be the lesser of evils. Still, not sure I would trust Star exactly in that situation with the children. With a combination of her upbringing and her dark magic infecting her, it could be dangerous. I hope nothing too bad happens while Prism Paint is gone.
Good dialogue. Not even necessary for the purpose of the interaction, but the addition gives just that more color to the characters.
Your description of the cargo ship setting feels too long and too devoid of imagery. I mean there seems to be a lack of proportions or texture in your description. How badly has time treated this ship? Was it as big as an oil tanker or as small as a ferry? Was the ship still upright or tilted after being beached? As the reader, I have a hard time imagining how this beached cargo ship looks due to the way your protagonist skimps on detail.
I am a little confused by this reaction. Is that despair at the gravity of these ponies' situation? Or discomfort with the possibility that this conflict will not pan out simply? Prism's question afterward does not clear up her feelings on the matter.
I do like the conflict taking place in this chapter between the raider group and the Enclave. However, it might be in your interest to forgo using the word "faction" in your narration, as it carries the connotation of the faction system so familiar to Fallout. And besides, it is an unusual word to use in context of conflicts of interest.
A little more of that olfactory detail would improve the disease-ridden atmosphere so much.
Just as with the beginning conversation, you had a scene that did not even need to occur, yet you still pursued it. And the story is all the better because you included it. This scene is an excellent example of how to make use of an alicorn character.
That said, why did Star even pick a fight with those kids? And why did the only other adults in the room not say or do a thing about all the bleeding kids? It seems like those important details were forgotten.
Where this story seems to perform best is in the way it uses the circumstances of its characters to give good motivations for their actions. The setting has just enough depth to give both sides of this conflict justification for claiming ownership of the land. Though, the narration falls short in places and the dialogue can be artificial. But that artificiality only really comes up when the inspiration is painfully evident to be the game material. All in all, the story seems to be improving as it goes on!