• Member Since 24th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 11th, 2019

CardsLafter


Butts Butts BUTTS!

More Blog Posts39

Nov
23rd
2012

Not to be overly dramatic, but things are fubar... · 6:22am Nov 23rd, 2012

So... Things are bad. But they're not going to stay that way. Let me explain...

This new book. You know, the one that I'm writing? Well, it's coming along very well. Over 36,000 words so far. And I love it.

And then I came across a... difficult scene. It's very grim, I will not lie. The book isn't grim. No, the protag is so much fun to live through. She's like a bizarre cross between Firewall, Luna, and River from Firefly (though none of this was intentional and while she maintains similarities, she is still quite unique). So there's no way the book could be grim overall. That said, a horrible scene inserted itself and... I was having difficulty writing it. See, when you write from a first person point of view, you more easily invest your emotions into the character and having to go through that rough part was affecting me. Like, I almost screamed at a guy that interrupted me. And I've only screamed at two people in my entire life.

It was bothering me enough that I just... didn't want to finish the book. Straight up. I wanted to drop it because I wasn't sure if I could do this...


Then I got a call from a family member. My niece's father had attempted suicide and scared her to death. I won't pretend that I care overmuch for the father, he's not been the best influence on anyone's life but... He's seen some grim stuff so I behave around him. However, my darling niece is now heartbroken and too scared to talk to anyone. Not to mention she's hundreds of miles away from me, and I can't go see her to just offer my love or say whatever I can to comfort her.

That was the first straw.


Then I got another call. My cousin, only four years older than me, died the preceding night to brain cancer that she was actually beating. Freak accident and one of the most wonderful, beautiful souls to have ever influenced me to being a better person... Gone in a day. If ever a death was so incredibly unfair, I would have to say... she may have not been the most undeserving case in the history of mankind, but there wouldn't have been a long line in front of her. And to know that such a light upon this world will no longer shine is... I just can't make this up. Her dying is a tragedy. Her not being able to help, love, and lift up people the way she did... That's a loss for us all.

That was the second straw.


Then my father called. He tells me he has prostate cancer. We've a big history of that developing at abnormally young ages. Most men don't get this until late fifties or sixties. My Dad's still in his forties. He tells me that he doesn't know how far advanced it is because he's only had one test in his entire life that was apparently a false-negative. It could be very developed, especially given certain signs he had been dismissing after the first test. He said he had looked into the treatments and realized that if it were far enough along, the treatment necessary had a high risk of rendering him helpless. Incontinent. He said if that were the case, he would not be accepting treatment. Keep in mind, my father isn't a dramatic person. He hasn't even told my step-mom about this. He's just scared and confided in me because he knew I could handle it.

He would have been right if I had not received every last one of these calls within the same hour.


I shed a total of three tears and told him that I was grateful that he let me know and that I was there for him if he needed anything. So afterwards, I just went to work, took up my laptop, went to that brutal scene that was bothering me and I wrote it out with a dry eye. I didn't falter once. Because I realized two things. The first was that I was so emotionally shut down that I no longer felt the pain of my character's suffering. The second was that I had a book to finish and I'll be damned before I falter now. My Dad wants me to succeed so badly at this and he does nothing but encourage me chasing my dreams. I'm not going to let him down. Whatever his life expectancy is, there won't be any consideration for what should happen if I fail because I've promised myself that I will bleed into the ink if that's what it takes to get this done.


I don't think I will be able to finish NaNoWriMo in time. I'm not yet at 40,000 words and I've only seven days left. Two of which I'm probably going to lose when my emotional detonation finally hits me and I fall apart. But it's not about NaNoWriMo anymore and it's not about some bet I made with a close friend. It's about the goal that I've set for myself. There are a whole lot of people that are waiting for me to take this leap and they are not going to be disappointed, regardless of the results.

I almost considered not posting this because I didn't want to look like I'm just grabbing for attention, but... Those of you that follow me are the only reason I've been able to pull myself up and dust myself off once already. And I have the feeling you're going to help me do it again...

Thanks guys. Don't worry about me. I'll be alright. But things have changed. I'm not sure how, just yet... But I'll figure it out soon enough.

Report CardsLafter · 919 views ·
Comments ( 76 )

:fluttercry:
I feel bad for you bro.
:fluttershyouch:

I'll be praying for you, man.

All of us Bronies is here for you man.

I give you my support, and hope that things will turn out all right…especially for your niece. Nobody should have to go though that experience.

And I hope your father's case isn't too severe. I know what it's like to lose a dear family member to cancer.

Ye gods man. You, sir. You are a much braver man than I am. I'd curl up into a ball in the corner, and probably just snap from all of that. I'll freely admit, I'm not that strong yet.

But you. You, CardsLafter, are incredibly...well, I guess "awe-inspiring" would work for this. Because you're still pushing on. And if you need our help to keep goin' on, then you better damn well know that we're here for you. Keep pushing on with that book. Whatever else comes at you, know that a hell of a lot of people have got your back. Do what needs to be done, and just...push on.

You'll figure it out, that much is true. I've got confidence in you.

Good luck.

I suppose that I can't speak for everyone, but I am pretty sure we're all standing behind you and cheering you on.

:yay: *cheers*

:rainbowdetermined2: Louder!

:yay: Yay!

I just want to say you are a brave man for continuing in the face of absolutely gob-smacking levels of emotional shit. When that emotional bomb does hit, no one here will blame you for putting down the metaphorical pen and not setting foot in the webspace for a good long while. We can hope you'll come back, but that's all.

I hope I speak for everyone when I say I admire you. If anyone has a reason to quit, it's you, but you keep on going. And I can't help but feel a little envious when I've stopped writing just because I'm a lazy ass.

I hope things get better for you. I truly do.

Dear freaking lord. Thats. . . I can't even begin to describe what that is.

Even if I never meet/have met those people, its still heartbreaking to hear about, especially like this.

What I can say is this though. . .

cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/29128607.jpg

I know that feeling. I really, really do. Losing someone, anyone, close to you is always painful. . .

Even if we aren't there with you in person, we'll be with you in spirit, forever and always.

Stay strong. Stay strong and keep fighting on. Till the dusk has gone and dawn has risen. Towards a brighter future. . . Stay strong. . .

We are ever here for you.

Oh man. I mean.. OH MAN. I literally started crying midway through reading this. No one deserves ANY of this shit right here, much less all three things at once. On fucking Thanksgiving, too. But I have to say... keeping on grinding with your writing? That right there is one of the bravest things I have ever seen someone do. I know for a fact that almost any other guy, myself included, would be curled up in a ball on the floor, crying.

I really hope that your dad and your niece's father make it through this. I especially hope that YOU make it through this. Sometimes the mental burden of all these things piling up on one person can be almost as damaging as the original issues. I know that we're not really good friends or anything... heck, we're barely just acquaintances. But I just wanted to let you know: if you ever need someone to talk to, I got your back, man.

*hugs*

Stay strong and don't stop. Life is hell, but keep pushing through. There will be a time of peace and harmony so do ever give up. Be stronger today than you have the last and tell the world who's boss.

I could never imagine what you are going through right now, but for what it's worth, stay strong. Things will turn out for the better, I'm sure of it.

We will all be here for you!:twilightsmile:

Work it while you can man, but when you need to shut down, do it like a boss. Communicate with the people who are giving you the deadline. If two days down is all for the crap your going through, that's testament enough that you are committed and hardworking. I don't know the exact circumstances around your deadline, but I know from my own experiences that there are circumstances that require extensions, and that more often than not, the people I talk to about extensions understand, or at least sympathize.

I've seen attention-grabbing, but this is a different animal. I'm not sure this is the right forum or delivery, but you are awesome. If you as a writer can take a crap story concept and make it into something resembling an interesting narrative, realize its potential and re-write it into a great story in and of itself, AND take another crap story concept (Ponyfall) and weave it into your story both in an interesting and believable way, then you can handle your novel.

Getting perspective on how your emotional state is affecting your work is what editors are for. Give 'em something to look at!

And may the road rise up to meet you.

well...shit, hang in there man we all support you is all I can really say.

I ... really don't know what to say to that ... frankly that stuff was very heavy.

What I can offer is simple well wishes and Im gonna pray for you and your family. And as everyone here already said we are here for you!

Stay strong and stay safe!

Hey. You're the guy with that awesome story.
If you need to hunker in the emotional bunker when that bomb hits, by all means, dig to China.
Just remember to mark your path so you remember the way back.

It's really terrible what you are going through, but it's really amazing that you can turn it into a force for something positive. That you can use it to motivate you. I'm sorry for your loss and for the bad news you received. Any one of those is terrible, but all three in rapid succession must be crushing. You are probably an emotionally stronger person than I. I hope that your father's cancer is not very advanced and that your niece isn't too traumatized. Know that you and your family are in my prayers and that if you ever need an internet shoulder to cry on, or even just to vent to, I am, and the rest of us are, here for you.

Sweet Jesus Christ, that's just... man, when it rains, it pours like a gorram flash-flood across the Mojave flats.

I dunno what to say, man. That's... a metric shitload* of crap to deal with.

* = to 1.4 Standard shitloads and 1.2 Imperial shitloads

Sorry to hear about that man. I hope you will pull though. Keep your chin up and head held high. Don't let life get you down.

Comment posted by arandompenguin deleted Jun 8th, 2013
Wet

Damn...
Good Luck?

I understand what a night like that is like better than I'd care to go into detail on.

Your life may never be the same as it was before, but you absolutely cannot let it change who you are, what you believe in, or most importantly, how the people you have lost or may lose have influenced you. Stay strong, and keep the promises you made to them. A person's life really ends with their legacy, so make it count for their sakes.

I don't know if this makes any sense at all, but it's kept my heart indignant and struggling in times when I thought I could just lay down and give up on everything forever. There's no fast road out of sorrow. It could even take years, especially for someone as empathic toward other people and the value of life as you or I. I can tell that much from your writing. The only thing you can do, and must do, is keep walking. Good luck. You've got it in you.

Cheers,
Archer C.

:pinkiesad2: I am so sorry to hear this. *Hugs* I believe in you, Cards. We believe in you. Stay strong mate, there's light at the end of the tunnel.

I'll be praying for you and your family. :heart:

- uT.TerAbsurdity

Your cousin's bright influence lives on through the people she touched, including you. Be strong. I hope you won't let this keep your light from shining. Perhaps I would find appropriate the Serenity Prayer, which has a longer form but is summarized as:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Accepting hardship as a path to peace, trusting all will be made right, I pray for you and your family. (I also hope nothing I've said makes you feel worse.)

Your dad wants you to succeed because he wants you to be happy and proud of yourself. I'm not saying this to discourage you from writing (the opposite, actually), but writing for the sake of someone else will make you miserable.

Please talk to your dad. Tell him about some ideas you have for the novel, ask him about parts of his life that never came up before. He'll appreciate it, and I think he'll enjoy listening to you talk about your writing.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Good luck.

I just left chat to read this blog because someone in chat's best friend just died and I didn't want to have to watch that man suffer.

What to even say?
I think you are blessed to have so many people in your life you love enough to feel this kind of pain for. I think I'll say the same thing to the guy in chat now.


I don't know why you need such a grim scene that you can't bear to write it while in a normal emotional state in your book, but I'm glad your novel is progressing.

Laugh at life. It sucks, and it likes your taste. Just laugh at it as it happens and be glad with what you have. Go do the hokey poky and turn around, that's what its all about.
You have friends, you have family, you have a life. It doesn't matter how life tries to take these from you, they will always be there, even if not in body.
So give sadness the finger and tell it "I can deal with this. I will keep going, and you cant bloody stop me."
All those who pass will always look on at you until you join them, so give them the best damn show they will ever see! So when you join them, the first thing you get is a congrats.

...Cards. I... Is Stephen actually your real name? I'm sorry if it isn't, considering the name is from a fanfiction, but it is the closest I know.

Stephen, I know I have nothing to do with you, but I feel for you. Hey, if you need to rant or rave, just blog it here. Get it out in the open. We won't judge and anyone who has the gall will be swiftly shut down by us. If you need to vent, then vent. If you need to explain, then explain. If you need to talk and discuss, then we will be happy to help you do that.

We'll be there. Not for our favorite character. Not for our favorite author. But for you.

Let us help you with your pain, if we can.

I wish I knew you better. So I could say whatever would help the most. Alas, I am just a fan. But know that we all care for you.

Stay strong as long as you can. And when you can't, know that you can fall on us.

*Just hugs you softly* What Jack Frankenstien said. So very much.

Life is about changes, most of them are hurtful and unfair as we all know.
I am so sorry to hear that you have been struck by such an awful chain of events, I really am.

I don't know you, you might be a jerk, you might be the greatest soul who ever lived. What I know is what I can learn from your written work. Work that has me inspired to once again step up and give chase to my own dreams. Someone who can do that cannot be a bad person.

I can only say this to you. Stay strong. For as long as you can: you can fall apart, if you need to, but then you have to pick up the pieces and start running again. And you'll have people supporting you, no matter what. I do believe in you, and I say: you can count on me. And my skype chat is always on for you.

Don't ever EVER give up, don't waste your incredible potential.

My best wishes are for you now.

I know how that feels both my mom and grandpa got cancer in the same month my moms grandma died of lung, heart, and kidney failure and just a year earlier my uncle died of a disease. Don't worry people always will be there to help out

Damn dude. You are made of sterner stuff than most people. It would suck to get hear about any one of the things, but to hear all of them in the span of a few hours...wow. I've seen how people react to tragedy a good number of times due to both my upbringing and profession find that most people go two directions: They either fully loose control of their emotions and respond with whatever feeling is dominant at that moment (sometimes it's rage, but a majority of the time it's sorrow) or they completely shut themselves down emotionally and process the information like they were viewing the situation through a movie screen. When I was seven and was told that my mother died in an vehicle accident that morning while I was at school, I fell into the latter of the two. While my sisters were bawling their eyes out in my aunt's lap, I just placed my bookbag down and sat on the couch. Maybe I was just in shock due to the revelation, but I honestly felt nothing; no anger, no sadness, just...nothing..and that terrified me. It also terrified my aunt and I was sent to therapy shortly after.

Now that my little sob story is out of the way, I just want to say this: Life tends to hit people that don't deserve it right where it hurts them most and it sucks. It sucks so bad that some people don't know what to do and just wallow in their sorrow. I'm not gonna say some stuff like, "there's always a silver lining" or "there's always a light shining amongst the darkness", cause sometimes, that light is just another train coming to sucker-punch you right in the jimmies. I'm not gonna tell you to ignore that pain you feel in you chest, cause that's just gonna hurt you even worse once it grown into something you can't ignore. Sometimes, it's best to throw yourself in to the deepest, darkest pit of you sorrows because that's where you can see your truest self laid bare. Then you can deal with what ever it is that you need to do to accept what has happened. Although, it doesn't hurt to have a good support structure to help you out when the times get rough. But judging from the responses so far, I guessin that I don't need to worry about that. Even still, If you need someone to talk to, I'm sure that either myself or any one of the friends you've made here would be happy to oblige. After all, even though I've never had the pleasure of meeting most of them, I tend to to think of this fandom as one, gigantic, dysfunctional family. And family should always look out for one another.

p.s. Although I want to say "good luck on your story", I know that whatever you write will be friggin fantastic. I know that it's going to be a treat to read something a great writer like you is so passionate about creating.

*hug* You can handle it.

God damn.
I know that life can be a bitch, but getting three of those wake-up calls in the space of 60 minutes? I hate to say it, but I'd have sworn to high heavens, then laughed for a while at the sheer irony of it all, then raged some more.
I know the words themselves won't change anything, but I wish you luck, and I know you can do it. No matter how tough things get, you've got family, friends and fans alike to depend on. <3

I'm not sure if I can say anything that hasn't been said a dozen times already, but I'll add my voice regardless: We're here for you.

We're here for ya man.

I'm sure that this has been said before, but screw it.
Stay strong, friend.
We'll always be here to listen and we'll always be wishing you the best, despite the circumstances.

Yikes... all in the same hour...

I really hope things get better. Stay strong bro.

Losing someone close to you or dealing with traumatic events like these is never easy, and the scars they leave won't ever completely fade, but they will hurt less with time. I don't know you in person, and I'll probably never actually meet you, so I can only help by giving you this piece of advice that I've learned from personal experience:

Never let yourself think you have to go through this alone. As long as you let them, there will always be someone there to help you bear the weight when the world tries to bury you.

not gonna lie... when i saw a blog post by you i was excited. my thoughts were something along the lines of, "ooh! a post by laffy!?"... and then i read it. the only thing i can say is that i'm truly sorry for your loss, and i sincerely hope your father turns out allright.

When you do break down, get it all out. Be strong for your dad, and don't let yourself falter. We of the brony community are here for you, if anything this is the most understanding group of people on the web. Drop a link when your book comes out CL.

we love you here man, your an inspiration to budding writers everywhere.
everypony here feels for you and our hearts go out to you.
on a personal note, your book is the one im waiting for most, more than the next song of fire and ice.

You deserve a hug. Stay strong, cards.:heart:

Hey Cards, I just wanna let you know that my heart goes out to you. You may not really know me, but I'm still here for you and I'll be praying for you and your family.
Hang tough, brother!
-Kellen S.

My heart goes out to you man. Stay strong and I am sure that you will make it through this. :heart:

You don't want me to worry? Fine. You ever change your mind, and need someone to listen, and/or to offer advice, I'm here for you. Best non-registered psychologist there is. :twilightsmile:

Avi

We'll always be here for you Lafter, stay strong but let it out when you need to.

This leaves me at a loss for words. Usuall I would have something stupid to say to cheer you up, but I'm at a complete loss here. Reminds me of one of my old teachers though, her husband was crushed by a tree on Valintines day:fluttercry::raritycry::raritydespair::applecry:

Login or register to comment