To Curse God, then Seeking Lightning -- AMA answers, or "How I Ruined the GHiE Podcast Folks' Evenin" · 2:53pm Jan 4th, 2017
I'm back from my holidays with my family! Regular posting will resume (and this means updating stories, too -- we're back on schedule). Now, on to the AMA and that interview...
Hm.
I mean, you can say many things about me, right? But you can’t say I lied. I talk a lot. I warned them that I would take a lot.
They didn’t listen.
I talked a lot.
So yeah. Answers to the AMA, and some comments about the podcast, below the break. And happy new year, peeps. Feels good to be back.
So I was in the GHiE podcast, and it was absolutely horrible for everybody except for me. They had some big numbers in the audience – more than usual, at least, I don’t think I attracted crowds – because people wouldn’t believe I could be speaking non-stop for so long.
But I was! And I did! Podcast is, I shit you not, two straight hours of me talking No pause. Full steam. At one point my microphone fucking blows itself up, but I manage to get back online and continue talking as if nothing had happened. The podcasters manage to talk really now and then, but just—
Look. Just, click on that video, go to any random point of it, and you'll get it. Some questions were interesting, some answers were -- I guess -- not bad, but the thing is, I ranted for two hours, about many things, and I never stopped. No matter the question. I think two moments define the podcast perfectly:
A) One user asks me to define every princess in one word (counting Shining Armor and Flurry Heart as Princesses, for the sake of it). I proceed to do just that, but I preface every single one of those words with several minute-long explanations on why I chose that word. As one comment of the podcast chat says: “You tried to get him to answer a question in six words. He took the chance of giving six normal-length answers.” As one of the hosts said, "Holy fucking Christ why are you doing this."
B) Majin Syeekoh asked me how many cakes I’ve had sex in the last week or so. This is clearly a joke question, that you answer with some witticism that takes two seconds or so. Me? Takes me fifteen minutes to reply, as I take the question seriously, and go on a rant about sexuality and why do we find sex with objects – which is just glorified masturbation – inherently funny. Even Majin Syeekoh himself is impressed by just HOW MUCH I dragged on the topic.
So yeah. You give me a chance to talk? I talk. I almost feel like apologizing to the podcasters, cause they sure didn’t have a good time. As another comment (easily my favorite) said around 49 minutes into the video: “I have been here, like, ten minutes. And clearly everyone should retire from the podcast except for Aragón. Just hold his beer. He’s got this.”
You can’t even understand what I say most of the time – I was sick, and my accent really went overboard. So, two hours of me talking gibberish nonstop.
Which brings me to one of the questions asked on the AMA, weirdly enough. Everything else is answered in order, but this one I’m jumping on first ‘cause it’s probably the one that serves best as an intro. This’ll be a long blog, so just Ctrl+F your name if you’re only curious about your questions.
And then go back up and read the entire thing.
You pussy.
Monarch Dodora asks: What's it like in your head when you talk?
White noise, or silence. I don’t think while I’m talking.
Really – I don’t think before talking either, now that we’re at it. I mean, being an idiot aside, I just never really think of anything in advance. Talkative people (I mean, I assume – I’ve never asked this) don’t really… plan on what they’re gonna say?
You just improvise, as one would say. I literally think out loud – whenever I want to say something, I say what first comes to mind, which tends to be related to the conversation. You just make connections and talk, or listen to what the other is saying and then reply with something appropriate, or with…
Unno. Like I said, it’s just – you know how you can plan the answer? You plan it out loud. Which means you’re already answering.
Guess this means you stutter a little, or repeat yourself, or sometimes even miss your point – this has happened to me many times – but literally all I do is spur-of-the-moment contributions. Maybe this reminds me of a story and I tell it, maybe I have some quip to say, maybe it just came to me? But I don’t really THINK when talking. I just TALK.
This explains a lot, eh?
Mind you, this means I repeat myself a lot. I don’t’ remember what I’ve said to whom. So maybe I start some conversation with an anecdote, or something weird that’s happened to me recently, and the other person goes “yes, I already know. You told me. Ten minutes ago.”
And I go “whoops.” I remember telling people about the thing, but unless it’s something REALLY PARTICULAR or private (like, something you can tell to everybody) there’s no way I remember what I’ve told or I haven’t told.
When writing it’s the same, mind you. Blogs, at least. I go full-on stream-of-consciousness, which is why some people say that I talk like I write my blogposts. I mean, yeah. That’s kind of the thing.
Not the same when I write stories, though! Those, I edit and re-edit. Comments, chats, blogs, talking, etcetera, though? Total opposite. I guess it just comes with being relatively shameless, or just disliking silence. I think out loud when I’m alone, too, and I’m alone a lot. As I said in the podcast, I’m an introvert.
Hella outspoken, mind you. Not shy at all. But, introverted none the less. I guess the trick is to just stop caring, or building up enough confidence/practice that you know you’re not gonna fuck up a conversation. I haven’t fucked up a conversation in some time. At least, nothing that I could have prevented (like making a comment or joke that affect someone for personal reasons I wasn’t aware of, or stating an opinion based on faulty information) or couldn’t be immediately fixed with an “oh, sorry, I didn’t know – I will keep that in mind from now on, my mistake.”
So yeah. Neither thinking “they’ll find this witty! And this! And this!” as I talk, neither clinging to a wall of desperation as I roll down the metaphorical hill that is my rant. What you see (or hear) is what I got: I literally think the same I’m speaking, at the exact same moment.
Makes it surprisingly easy for people to either love me or FUCKING HATE ME ON SIGHT, I might add.
Kingmoriarty asks: What kind of story have you always wanted to try, but never got around to?
Octavia Harmony asks: When is your OctaScratch hugging story coming?!
Cinder Vel asks: How do you decide which one of your ideas will become a story and which ideas will bite the dust?
I sorta reply to all three questions at the same time here, so I just put them all together. I’m sure y’all won’t mind.
I think it was a couple weeks ago that I approached MrNumbers with one of those sentences that make him wonder if I’m drunk or just fucking stupid. Paraphrasing:
Aragón: I NEED TO WRITE SOMETHING FUCKED UP.
Aragón: SOMETHING THAT FUCKS YOU UP.
MrNumbers: This is one of those sentences that make me wonder if you’re drunk or just fucking stupid
Aragón: SOMETHING FUCKED UP.
MrNumbers: Uh-huh
Aragón: like
Aragón: from an absolutely cynical perspective right
Aragón: I wanna write something that’s – I mean, not fucked up as in AAAGH GORE but fucked up as in you go quiet and think “oh God”
Aragón: one of those sad stories that is not as much sad as just a reminder that life is fucking horrible sometimes
MrNumbers: Any particular reason for this?
Aragón: I was talking with my mother about Apocalypse Now and then I went you know what, Mom, I need to write something fucked up
MrNumbers: Well, I mean. As good inspiration as any
MrNumbers: so what’s the story?
Aragón: I have no idea
Aragón: never really got past the “AHAHAHA IT HAS TO BE FUCKED UP” part, to be quite honest
Aragón: but I’m sure that’s all I need, really
Aragón: FUCKED UP, BRO
Aragón: FUCKED UP
As you can see, I am artsy when I write. Really artsy.
Fucked-up-stories aside (which is an answer to this question, in the sense that I wanna write it but I haven’t got around to – although I have started a couple drafts, so who knows?) I have an actually lengthy backdrop of story ideas I’ve never used.
Some of them, the most avid readers of my blogs – a group of people that APPARENTLY EXISTS – have heard of, as I’ve namedropped them now and then: Celestia turns into a clam (“A Shell of a Time”). Vinyl and Octavia have to hug for eight hours or the building explodes (“Pressed for Time”). A dare by Magello, screwball comedy with the LSSTWD crowd (“The Saddest Hoofjob”). A sequel to the Two-Oh-Six story, the one where Octavia and Discord made out (working title “Coda Duello”). Another sequel, this time to Would Bang, dealing with further adventures of the bros (working title “Bro Bono”, because I am awful at titles).
The list goes on and on. Some of those are more than mere ideas. Others, I have a shit ton of notes taken around them – “The Saddest Hoofjob”’s fucking prompt is several paragraphs long, and it made MrNumbers himself admit that it was “overly complicated, but in a good way”. So that’s something, I suppose?
I don’t know. The stories I write, I tend not to plan, or to write as soon as I come up with them. The stories I plan, I tend to plan a lot and then never get around to.
I guess that’s why the commissions are such an interesting experiment (if a somewhat lackluster one, by reader views), because it’s ideas that I like to think about, and that I plan extensively, and then I sit down and fucking write. Because somebody is paying me for them.
True, though – so far I’ve got a lot of freedom to plot, write, and pretty much do whatever the fuck I want with the commissions… so it’s really not that much a task for me. After all the buyers want “an Aragón story”, with all the pitfalls that implies. And to get that, I guess you need to give me a lil’ bit of leeway.
So yeah. Short answer: Yeah. Slightly longer answer: Yeah, ‘cause the way I write is rather disorganized, and overall unprofessional. Even longer answer: Read everything above.
Themaskedferret asks: Why do you write in English as opposed to your Spanish?
I have written in Spanish. I wrote an entire book in Spanish, in fact, which y’all never see or hear of because I wrote when I was 15 all the way till I became 17, and it’s absolutely horrible. The protagonist is nicknamed “Fast Fingers”. Not “Quick Fingers”, but “Fast Fingers”. His superpower is that he’s right-handed, and also left-handed, sometimes. There are a lot of apostrophes in the names. At no point does any character eat, sleep, or take a shit.
I love that book to smithereens, but I will burn whoever dares to look at it. It’s my dirty little secret. What was the question again?
Ah, yeah. Audience, really. I started writing in English because why the fuck not – Fimfic looked like a neat website. As time went on, I became more and more comfortable with this website’s audience, format, and overall feeling. There’s simply not as much of a fanfic movement in the Spanish language – and what little exists is simply not as good as this one.
I used to be big on spanish fanfiction, really. I was one of the most well-regarded fanfic writers in the biggest Spanish-speaking anime forums of the internet. This is akin of saying you’re the ripest apple in the cemetery: pointless, probably poisonous, and chances are somebody’s been buried alive near you.
I just prefer the English audiences, and the English websites. Most of my friends are English-speakers, too. My family would rather I wrote in Spanish. They’d also rather I did not write about ponies. I’d rather they hugged me in Christmas. They rather I’d first take a shower.
It’s a give-and-take relationship, the one we’ve got going, I suppose.
Themaskedferret also asks: How many dicks can you fit down your throat? Whatever happened to your twink roommates?
Tinmane asks: Well, how many?
Both of these questions are extremely correlated. I apparently have a very deep throat. Had to change roommates after the old ones mysteriously disappeared.
AND THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING ABOUT THE SUBJECT.
MY PERSONAL LIFE IS NOT ON TRIAL HERE.
Nyorus asks: Also, what story of your own do you feel the most fondly for, and what story on the site that is not your own do you feel everyone should read?
Super Trampoline asks: What are 3-5 of your favorite stories on this site and why?
Shinygiratinaz asks: What's your favorite story that you've written here on fimfiction?
Okay, we’re 1k words already and I’ve answered like two questions. Right. Let’s try to keep things short.
Short-ish.
It’s a little hard for me to say which story I feel the most fondly for because, really, I feel fondly for all of them. Every single story has like a little story, and most will get an “Oh man I love that one so much” reaction from me.
By pure sheer of what it means, though, Crime and Punishment is probably the story I hold in highest regard. Written in the span of seven months, and one of my few long, serialized fics, it was a blast to write, and also extremely difficult at points.
It’s an exercise in escalation, in that for 80k words, the jokes never stop coming. I just kept pouring my “best” at it, consistently, for seven months. Which means, of course, that half of the fic is dumber than a sack of rocks, holy shit.
I feel immense pride for that story, flaws and all, though, and I have to admit it’d be neat if more people read it. Would appeal to my inner diva, really.
Story that y’all should read? Hands down, Pipsqueak’s Day Off. Might not be of your tastes, might not be your favorite – but it’s, to this day, Fimfic’s best comedy. At least, for me.
Runners up would be Mercy, Mercy, Mercy, and the always-wonderful Yours Truly. But Pipsqueak’s Day Off? Clear. Fucking. Winner.
Also, Super Trampoline, of course we can chill. You buy the beer, though. And the Netflix.
Thatotherotherguy asks: When will there be a patreon so we can contribute to your personal mount rushmore?
Probably never, yo. You can commission me shit, though, which also implies giving me money. Or just donate to my Paypal if you’re fucking weird, ‘unno.
Thing is, if you want to give me money? You can give me money. You might get a story in exchange, though, so be careful.
Thatotherotherguy also asks: Ever going to make a Hie fic? With your own Aragon sauce of course.
Eeeh. Doubt it.
I have an interesting relationship with HiEs, in that I don’t like them at all and they probably don’t like me either.
I could go on and on on this subject? But, I honestly have no idea why I’d do that – it would just annoy people who genuinely like the genre, and there’s not a single “real” reason why I dislike HiEs. It’s all subjective shit, like “unno man, I guess it ain’t my thing”. You know how some people are into feet, and some aren’t? Think of it that way.
So yeah, seeing how I am “not into that”, and how I honestly consider writing myself in a story that way kind of masturbatory, I doubt I’ll ever write the wacky adventures of Aragón, Cunt Extraordinaire, in Equestria.
Caveat: admittedly, I’ve written myself into stories. There are REASONS for this, that are probably REALLY FUCKING BORING, so who gives a shit – but Hear the Baby Laughing is a story about Aragón being forced to write a story (sort of), and includes me by name and shit. And Flip a Coin and She Smiles is me telling you a story – I speak directly to the reader for the entirely of the fic.
Also, Thesuperfantasticalstory has a character named Aragón because I needed an “author” to fit the narrative. But that character is definitely not me, and we don’t talk about that story. Half the words in that shit aren’t typed properly, for fuck’s sake.
Wait. Wait, I forgot – there’s The Conversion Burro. As a parody of The Conversion Bureau stories, it’s about a human going to Equestria. So I guess I’ve already done this! Hahah. Wow.
Fanofmosteverything asks: Also, how's it going with that accidentally seduced teacher of yours?
AppleTank asks: How's that lesson plan going? Does the first step include "Class, please watch me consume vast quantities of caffeine"?
I’ve gotten PMs about this, funnily enough. People seem to be awfully interested in the ending of this story. Maybe it’s worry for my wellbeing, maybe it’s just a wish to see just how far this fucking trainwreck goes.
And I mean, who can blame them? I’m probably going to get mugged at the end of that class. 50% or so of my class seethes me, and now I can talk to them for 90 minutes, and they have to listen to me? And take notes?
I’m going to insult at least one guy, because come the fuck on. That won’t be a class. That will be a fucking stand-up routine, and oh God there’ll be blood running.
Sadly, so far the story seems to be put on hiatus. I’m wrapping up this semester soon, and with the teacher gone for the last three weeks (she had to attend some conference in California or something) we never really talked about this again. Next semester I have a class named Tax Law II, with the exact same teacher, though, so chances are something is happening… Only, not yet.
I mean, she has clearly not forgotten about this. I doubt this will end up in nothing; she’s adamant on seeing my impression on her. It’ll probably end badly, but OH WELL WHATYOUGOT.
Multiversecruise asks: Where will the romance blogs go after you're done beating Harem stories to death?
Oh, man, I had this super long list of mistakes I wanted to talk about all written down and shit? And I lost it. So I have no fucking idea!
Mind you, this isn’t “I am running out of stuff to complain about”. This is just “I don’t know what to tackle next” – there are many, MANY mistakes I can rant out for hours to no end. Seriously, top of my head: reactions to a confession, chemistry, lack of communication, Ikea Romance, Casanova Clause, Perverted Characters, sudden romance, pairing up the spades, lolicon.
Bam. There’s a lot of shit I’ve seen while reading romance, and a lot of it is really, really bad.
So yeah. I have a really special rant inside of me about the lolicon movement, and the whole “it’s a little kid you can fuck” thing – maybe it’ll be about that, I just had the idea as I’m typing this answer.
I’m sure I’ll get a shit ton of interesting yet reasonable PMs explaining how much of a fucking idiot I am if I post that. Eh? How you’re not hurting anybody by popularizing the idea of fucking children. Eh?
Not it down for the future: catharsis ain’t the same as normalization. I accept catharsis. I despise normalization. Some idiots don’t know this, and hence, I label them as idiots. And I call the police on them. Fucking Christ.
Jade Ring asks: Superior director; Spielberg, Hitchcock, or Kubrick?
Holy fucking shit, did this question make me remember some things.
See, I know nothing about cinema. This is something I understand, both because I’m self-aware enough to realize how much of a fuck-up I am, and because my sister and father keep telling me. Mind you, if anyone can tell, it’s them – Sis writes professional movie reviews for a job, and Father watches like, what. Three movies a day?
They’re junkies of the big screen, is what I mean. I accept that they know more about cinema than me – but, weirdly enough, I also think they don’t have any taste. I like storytelling, while they really don’t, or at least not in the way I do. So I look at the new Mad Max and I praise it for the plot, while they say it’s got none. “It’s showing instead of telling!” I say. “You’re really just looking ,” they retort.
It’s a fun past-time, really.
It becomes less fun when my sister’s friends join the discussion.
Holy fucking hell, people – I’ve met many people in my life, and I can say WITHOUT AN INCH OF DOUBT that the absolute worst are always, always, professional movie reviewers. Sis gets a pass, she’s not completely contaminated. But, her colleagues?
Stick a nail through my forehead and call me a pussywrinkle, boy, because those people eat infomercials and shit propaganda. They will spit upwards and quote Schopenhauer to save face when the saliva hits their eye. They will buy a Murakami book just to have something to hold under their arm as they walk into a Starbucks, and then comment on just how good is that guy’s English. Why, you can barely tell he’s Japanese.
They are idiots, but that’s not the problem. The problem is that they’re idiots who desperately want to be seen as the smartest person in the room, and in doing that, they show their true self.
So they’ll talk about how Kurosawa is great and amazing, they’ll lie about how much they love it, but they will never be able to explain why Kurosawa was good. They’ll explain that J.J. Abrams is bad, and to support their words they will just wave their hand and act smug, because the easiest way to avoid explaining something you don’t understand is to act as if the explanation is obvious.
I don’t know shit about cinema, and when I talk about why I like David Fincher, they roll their eyes and ask me why. And when I explain why, they will say that I’m probably repeating the words of someone smarter, only to quote me whenever they want to fuck a woman.
They repeat. They don’t have opinions, they just act depending on how they feel they should act. I know there are good movie reviewers out there. I know people who watch cinema and critique it out of love can be amazing. But I also know that the ones I’ve met treat it not as a hobby, or as a love letter to the medium – but as a way to get famous. And I just can’t accept that. Art is not your fucking podium, and what you do is the reason why the term “derivative” has awful connotations. You piece of shit.
I had dinner with my sister’s colleagues recently. My wit is as sharp as baseball bat, but I still beat the shit out of them with it. Because they’re not low-hanging fruit, they’re a peach that fell from the tree into an excrement, and now not even flies will lay on it.
I made sure to make my opinions on them clear. We’re not having dinner again any time soon.
So.
Kubrick.
I like Kubrick a lot, I think his movies are super pretty to watch. I also love Spielberg and Hitchcock (admittedly, though, I’ve watched very little Hitchcock), but Kubrick has always been one of my favorites.
And Murakami is a shit writer. Just, throwing that out there. He wrote one book, once, and has been repeating the same shit time and time again. Read 1Q84, then forget about the man, ‘cause he’s not worth your time. He’ll win the Nobel for Literature eventually, and that day, Aragón will be sad.
Jade Ring also asks: Is the existence of life a highly overrated phenomenon? Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
‘Quis custodiet ipsos custodies? Your grace.’
‘I know that one,’ said Vimes. Who watches the watchmen? Me, Mr Pessimal.’
‘Ah, but who watches you, your grace?’ said the inspector, with a brief smile.
‘I do that too. All the time,’ said Vimes.
If I’m allowed to take off the clown mask for a second – life is not overrated, in the sense it’s all we know. Life creates people, people create art, art gives a meaning to life. I think it all fits nicely, once you look past the really bad stuff. And the movie reviewers. Fuck 90% of movie reviewers.
Unrelated, but -- it’s amazing how, no matter how long it’s been, Pratchett’s passing still makes me teary-eyed. I won’t cry out loud, but that’s just because I choose not to.
If I ever had a hero, and I’ve had many, it was that man. Here’s to you, old friend I never met, and who would have probably not liked me that much. This shitty blog is dedicated to you, and I do that with the straightest of faces.
MrNumbers asks: If you could steal one celebrity for a day, and have them all to yourself, who is it and what do you do?
It’s actually super interesting how, when I heard that question, I immediately yelled “DAVID TENNANT,” causing my mother to think that I’m going through on of those episodes again. I am not (well, maybe a little), because this was a spur-of-the-moment kinda thing.
If I stop and think about the question, though, I have a million different answers. I mostly read shit as a hobby, so nearly every single famous person I wanna meet is a writer. Kafka, Borges, Tolkien, Lewis, TERRY PRATCHETT, Asimov, Gaiman, Bradbury, Gabriel García Márquez…
But, leaving aside the fact that nearly all of them are dead – I just don’t think of them as “famous people”. They are famous, a lot of people know about them (and that’s the DEFINITION of famous), but I just don’t really think of them as, well. Celebrities.
‘Cause celebrities are distant, right? Sorta, not approachable. Or, approachable, but not really approachable. Whereas writers tend to be more… private? You read their words. You can tell when they’re the ones writing, you feel something of a connection to them. You love their work, a and what they create, and pretty much when you get down to it you just like what they think and say and imagine and are.
So I guess that’s why I yelled DAVID TENNANT. ‘Cause I love the man, I really do, but I think of him as a celebrity. Pratchett, though? If I met him, I would – well, first I’d scream ‘cause the man passed away. Then I’d have a seizure and be unsure of what to say, as he’s one of my heroes.
But, even though that’s what would happen, and even though I never met him? I think of him as a friend. Celebrities, you admire. Writers, they change you.
MrNumbers also asks: Have you ever considered writing a story without Celestia in it?
Oh, fuck off.
Yeah, to be honest, it’s become almost a running joke for myself that, whenever I’m blocked in a story, or I don’t know what to write – or maybe I do, but the words aren’t coming out – I just write a scene with Celestia in it. Bam, done. Before you know it, I’ve written a thousand words.
Really! I never noticed this, until I looked at the cover art in my stories – and saw that the vast majority have Celestia in it. You look at the tags, and Celestia is almost always there. It’s almost humiliating how much of a fucking one-trick-pony I am. There’s a pun in there, but I’m not gonna step so low. I am not a movie reviewer.
One has to wonder, truly, what the fuck do I see in this character. I guess by this point she’s my favourite, and I’ve given it a lot of thought. I think it’s less about Celestia herself (God knows she has little to no personality in the show), and more about what she represents.
It’s really less the immortality bit, or the queen bit – and more about the authority. I also find, admittedly, her relationship with Luna rather fascinating. I’m a middle child, and I get along with my siblings rather well – so that’s something I relate to, I guess? It’s just, here you have two characters who are not particularly mushy, but they are extremely close with each other. They had a big fight, but now it’s all over, and they’re back at being comfortable with each other again.
I just like that juxtaposition between Celestia the ruler and Celestia the sister. Her mother figure is also cool, but with Luna she goes from superior to equal, almost seamlessly and without really thinking about it. Add some character so they have chemistry on top of that, and have in mind that they’re immortal and (in my headcanon) probably out of touch with the normal ponies?
And, shit, there’s just so many things to talk about. Comedy, drama, whatever, I don’t care. If I don’t know what to write, I’ll just explore Celestia and the million little bits of her that I find interesting. Shit – right now I’m working on three stories; one of them is long, the other two are one-shots. All three of them involve Celestia.
At some point in life I’ll just tattoo her goddamn face on my penis. It’ll be faster.
MrNumbers also asks: Have you tried turning me off and on again?
Honey, we both know I can turn you on whenever I want to.
Jeray2000 asks: Are you religious? Do you have strong political opinions?
Boy, not only do I have opinions about both issues, I have OPINIONS. Which is pretty much the same, only LOUDER.
I could go on and on about my personal beliefs for hours, really – but I probably won’t. Both of these things are highly subjective, and highly personal. If I say that my spiritual beliefs are this or that, someone is bound to be rightfully offended, and I’d hate that.
Also, this is the internet. I can post a picture of a cat and somebody will be offended. More on this later.
Ditto politics, really. I study Law and Economics/Business Management, I wouldn’t be able to survive if I didn’t have a somewhat solid background of rules to guide myself. Did you know that we have to study philosophy and morals on our first year of Law? Fucking crazy.
Still, part of understanding this kind of issue is realizing that your beliefs are simply yours, and you can’t – and shouldn’t – force them on others, or discuss it in a way that isn’t civil. There’s one truth and one truth only: nobody’s cold and calculating when arguing politics. Passion is bound to that topic, and with passion comes dumbfuckery.
And nobody beats me at dumbfuckery.
So rrrright back at ya. Religion is politics, ten times squared (and with fewer books), and like hell I’m discussing what I believe or fail to believe. I can say I come from a really varied background, when it comes of religion, tell you that. One member of my family for each faith. Fucking crazy.
Guess I can admit I’m left-winged, or at least that I tend to lean for the left – but let’s be honest, that’s true of the majority of young people on the internet. Exceptions vary, but for fuck’s sake, this is Fimfiction. I’m a Spaniard. From my point of view, Obama is at best liberal right. So, yeah.
Yaddah yaddah I believe in democracy, guns scare me, and once I petted a dog even though the barks make me jittery. Honestly, mate, I’m dumb as a rock. My beliefs and shit are the opposite of interesting. I just know enough about all this shit to realize I don’t know ANYTHING.
AAAAAANYTHIIIIIING.
Fourths asked: I had a dream last night where I came on fimfiction and you had died but then I talked to Swan Song and they said that you just left the fandom and pretended you'd died so people wouldn't bother you about it.
So... are you dead?
How did you know Swan and me are friends?
We don’t talk much, though, that’s true. They’re never online, and neither am I lately. I guess she’d know if I pulled one of these out, really.
Nah, if I went out of the website, I’d probably make a HUGE deal about it. I am, after all, a diva. I crave that attention like your mom craves my blood to complete her Ritual. Trust me when I say the length of the blogpost that explains why I’m going would outshine the fucking Sun.
Would you believe me if I said I’d given thought to the idea of what would happen to my Fimfic account if I died? I think I have it sorted out. With my dying breath, I’d tell my sis my password, and then I’d let someone post about my passing or whatever. To bring some closure, I guess. I can also use that dying breath to ask for help, or maybe tell my family I love them? But, y’know. Priorities.
And don’t be mistaken – if there’s an afterlife, once I’m dead, I’ll look down from there to read the comments in the blog that says I kicked the bucket because a truck full of naked women ran over me or whatever.
Uh, that is, if your mother doesn’t manage to trap my soul in her Altar first. So far I’ve avoided it, but fucking hell, that woman is resourceful. Tell her to chill, Fourths, it’s getting creepy.
PretentiousNarwhal asks: Why?
Obligatory answer: Why not?
Less obligatory answer: For a pretentious narwhal, that is a rather simple question. I’m sure you barely review movies at all.
PresentPerfect asks: How are you able to handle all of your own sexiness on a day to day basis?
By constantly friendzoning every woman that ever steps in my way. The list keeps on going, because there are a lot of desperate people out there, and I guess if you’re deaf and dumb I look like a good catch. ‘Unno.
That aside, I check myself in every reflecting surface I walk by. Every time I step out of the shower and look at my reflection, I say “People would say whatever they want, but I’d fuck the shit out of me.” When they hear me, some think I’m kidding.
Some think I don’t.
The latter are the ones who really know me.
Doomguy666 asks: What color are oranges?
This question was answered in the podcast. If I remember correctly, it drove the hosts crazy, because I managed to take ten minutes to answer a question that anybody else would have answered in six seconds.
It’s sort of my thing, really. You’ll notice how it’s not a good thing at all.
Anyway, abridged answer: I wondered, as a kid, if ‘oranges’ are called that way for the color, or if the color is named that way for the oranges. In Spanish it’s the same thing (“Naranja” refers both to the fruit and to the color) so it was twice the question I was asking. So, I looked it up.
Turns out, “orange” referred to the fruit only, at first. The color we call “orange” was seen as a shade of red. Only, with time, people started referring to it as “orange red”, for rather obvious reasons (it was the easiest way to get people to know exactly what shade you were talking about, I guess?) and from there it just went to “orange”. The color of oranges.
Blame the natural evolution of language; now we think it’s its own color. So that’s your answer! Technically, oranges are red. Tadaaa~~
Cinder Vel asks: How hot do you consider yourself?
Exactly as hot as I am!
Cinder Vel asks: What was your thought process when you decided to write the " Oh! Let's Write a fanfic, let's write a fanfic! I'll call it 'Thesuperfantasticalstory'! "?
Fucking hell. I said we don’t talk about this story, God dammit.
Ugh.
To the people who have no idea – that story, which I call TSFS, was the first one I posted on Fimfic, long ago. It’s stupid, it’s bad, and it’s full of typos as the editors went away halfway through and I was still learning how to write in English.
My thought process back then was just a music box endlessly humming Yankee Doodle in my head, so I guess that’s what I was thinking about. I also had the EXTREMELY ORIGINAL idea of a writer struggling to write because the characters won’t let him. I was, after all, an author struggling to write. Because I was writing in English. I guess I thought that was clever?
Everybody and their fucking mother has done that fourth-wall shit before, but I guess the story got a mind of its own midway through. The plot, which deals with some weird fuckery – the author, is revealed early, is just another character, so who the fuck is writing the story – as it goes into dimensional stuff. If you’re created by a character, you’re a sub-character and less real, and so on.
It was me playing around, learning how to write. Don’t read that story, man. I improv’d most of the plot, tho at one point I had it all really thought out. Not going to lie: I tried to read a random chapter not so long ago, and I didn’t understand shit. You really have to read the entire thing to get it. It’s Homestuck convoluted – which is to say, not the right kind.
It also has, if we use the most technical definition of the term, a self-insert character. There’s a reason I don’t talk about the story, dang it.
Cinder Vel asks: How hot you actually are?
Exactly as hot as I think I am!
Raugos asks: Is the hooting pigeon still bothering you?
IT FUCKING DID ALL THE WAY TILL WINTER. THE PIECE OF SHIT.
I fucking dragged my father to my room so he could hear the goddamn thing, because he’s a vet and says pigeons don’t hoot, they coo. I said, yes. This one hoots. He said that’s stupid. I said oh yeah come and see.
So he came and saw.
AND GUESS WHAT.
HE AGREES WITH ME.
MOST PIGEONS MAKE A PRRR PRRR NOISE, BUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER GOES CRRHORGH, CRRHORGH. WHO THE FUCK GOES CRRHORGH CRRHORGH. WHAT IS THAT COCKMONGER OF A BIRD TRYING TO DO. IT SOUNDS AS IF IT’S TRYING TO EAT ITS OWN THROAT.
That fucking thing kept CRRHORGHing at me – in a way that really makes it sound like an owl, hence why I said it hoots, and why I wrote its dialogue as ‘hoot’ – up till the temperature went super cold, and then it just shut up. I have no idea what happened to it, but you can be pretty fucking sure I couldn’t leave my window open at night BECAUSE IT JUST KEPT SCREAMING.
Raugos also asks: Did you have a rematch with the streetlight?
God, did my family have a fucking laugh at this during the Christmas dinner. Aunt Andrea said I have to stop being so childish like that or I’ll hurt myself. You always talk like a kid, Aunt Andrea said. You even look like one, seriously, Aunt Andrea said. Would it hurt you to try to be manlier, Aunt Andrea said. You need to take responsibility for your actions, Aunt Andrea said.
Golly gee, Aunt Andrea, I said, you look really fucking old this year, eh. Lotta new wrinkles. And how are those hemorrhoids going. Can you finally take a shit without bleeding or does your bathroom still smell like a slaughterhouse on its period.
Christmas is fun. Family is funnier. This kind of conversation is super awkward to get through, but once you’re done? These are the things you remember.
(Also, man, did I get yelled at. Thank God they all realize I’m an idiot.)
Shinygiratinaz asks: What are the top three things on your bucket list?
Christ, all the items in that list are just “getting outta college as fast as possible.” My degrees last five and a half years, I’m almost done, and I can’t wait to stop studying for exams.
This answer could be much, much longer – but fucking hell, this blog is going to end up being like 7k words. I’d rather my readers don’t have a brain hemorrhage by the time they’re done with this shit.
I’d also like to travel the world! And get people to pay for my trips because I’m a cheapstake. And be rich so I can be less of a cheapstake. Going to the USA/UK/Australia/Singapore would be pretty neat, so I can visit some folks. Pay for my plane tickets so I can annoy you in person, people.
Phew. That one was long. I’d add some final words? But I think you’ve got enough of my opinions for a while.
Tho, writing this blog has made me realize one thing – next time I talk with Aunt Andrea, I’ll tell her to become a movie reviewer. She’s the woman for the job.
Call me dumb, but I'm starting to get the sense you're not exactly normal.
I'm pretty sure you are the abyss Nietzsche warned us about gazing into.
4368932
This is legit one the best things anyone has ever said about me. By far, one of my favorites.
Magical. Also, I have added several stories to my read it later this day.
Wait, you aren't a hot red-head that looks suspiciously like Scarlet Johansson?
*Unfollows*
You should tattoo her penis onto your face instead.
4368946 I can be whatever you want you want me to be
I'm just happy I got called out twice on that podcast. That was surreal.
Also, as always you have spectacular answers to questions.
Hah you made my day, heck maybe the whole week. You manage to make damn written words be energetic and entertaining.
Oh and sorry about asking about "TSFS" but I just had to know. It's the only your story that I did not finish reading.
4369111
DAMN GOOD TASTE YOU HAVE, THEN. HELL YEAH.
Srsly tho -- I didn't mind being asked that much, it's just that the story is a little embarrasing by this point, and I do kind of ignore it when I talk about my fics. Old shames and all that. Did bring the first friend I ever made in Fimfic, though, one that's lasted all these years and to whom I still talk every day -- so it had some good things! Just, not for the readers.
Wow. I'm most impressed with the length of the answer to "what color are oranges?"
4369118
RIGHT?
The podcast was super entertaining. It was hard to read the room to make funny. So we just did our best to play it up.
Well there's your first problem right there.
And excellent answer to the 'Life' question. Happy new year, you mad bastard you.
I like to ask that dumb orange question because I think it's funny, but I always receive a far more insightful answer then I expect, people can really come up with an interesting answer for such a simple question.
I rather like this answer I truly didn't know orange is a shade of red and only called orange because of the fruit, you taught me something today.
4368932 4368936
From Skype one time:
I mean, we did warn them...
See, here I was thinking that they'd asked you to use one single word to define all the princes, princesses, prince-consorts, Beloved-Rulers-Generalissimo-For-Life and Blueblood.
As in one word, for all of them together.
And I've just got no fucking clue what word I'd use.
And then I realised I misunderstood the question.
...
so...
I never actually asked a question when you posted that blog asking for them since I couldn't think of it at the time but...
What word would you use to describe all of them at once?
As an amateur movie reviewer, I would say that you aren't wrong.
Sorry i took me so long to read this. We(Seattle's Angels) did try to warn them about you, not our fault they didn't listen.
Hit me up for editing. Or just say hi sometime.
4372233
I don't use Skype anymore, Ferret! You should move to Discord, really.
(And the moment I have something, I'll hit you up -- Christmas and college have made me fall behind schedule big time).
4372336 i just got discord, though how much i'll use it remains to be seen, pm me your tag sometime
Just came back from a short fimfic hiatus and immediately read back through all the blogs you wrote that I missed. You're always goddamn hilarious and it just is a pleasure to read. The interview itself is legitimately impressive though. It's like you don't even need to pause for air.
Funnily enough, Crime and Funishment is actually the very first story of yours that I read almost a year ago now (I think), followed by Fridge Horror and then Anarchive Reigns. I'm pretty sure I followed you halfway through Fridge Horror because at that point I already knew it was a great idea to see what you'd do in the future. And it was!