Visiden Tries It: Wires Chapter 4 · 3:31am Sep 13th, 2016
Right, Chapter 4. We're over 10,000 words in so somepony please stab somepony. I'm all for a good set up in a war fic, but this runway is getting to the point that in media res might have been a better choice of opening.
“There. Through the breach.” Shining pointed at a segment where the wire had been cut and pulled apart, fading hoofprints visible in the snow. “Looks like this was Celestite Four’s way through.”
Saw that in a hailstorm did you? These magic hoofprints that stay in the snow despite powerful winds and fresh hail. You can do that in D&D if you're a ranger with maxed out survival and the Epic Track feat. Then again, rangers at that level can fling pebbles at their favored enemies and have a chance to insta-kill them.
“Alright. Be a gentlecolt then, Setter. We’ve got a lady here with us,” Shining said matter-of-factly. It took a few moments before the rest of his followers started snickering, even if nervously and briefly so.
Looks like he told a bad joke and his troops only laughed because they were afraid of him.
These ruminants are pretty liberal with their swearing.
from the surrounding capric crowd wave her hoof in the air.
You take it easy with that thesaurus, Dark Avenger, or I might start to think you're a showoff. Nobody likes a showoff.
Shining noticed them taking up defensive stances, hooves tightening around their halberds and reaching for their sidearms.
Sidearm could well mean a dagger, but people are going to look at that word and think pistol. Why they would start reaching for those when they still have their halberds and they're in an open space and in formation makes no sense. Halberds are not the sort of things you dual-wield.
They all wore nothing beyond official insignias and ceremonial helmets
Wearing ceremonial helmets in a situation that isn't a ceremony. True professionals here.
I like the tense negotiations with all the yelling and the language barrier. Shining Armor's constant policing of his interpreter's interpretations is annoying and pathetic though. You're fucking soldiers, you fuck-face, if you're trained to take fucking swords to the fucking face, you can take mean words. Stop giving your interpreter extra tasks.
The medic repeated the orders, but even before he was done, tensions sparked again among the relatively calm goats.
Show don't tell.
Shining glanced at the goat thugs’ weapons, their bulky wooden stocks charred by the shock spells. The barrels ranged widely, some of them shorter and larger, sometimes doubled, others were long and thin with more elaborate sights and large magazines.
I have no fucking clue what the weapon is supposed to be. The description is so vague. Some kind of gun? The ponies are boned then, because they're coming up against guns with halberds.
The escaping goats yelped as the shimmering troops caught up to them. The ones bringing up the rear tried to buck at the ponies or turn around and headbutt them, but for all their flash and bulky looks, they were incredibly poor fighters compared to trained soldiers. A blow to the head, a few bursts of magic, or just a simple tackle was enough to bring them down.
It would be better if we saw at least one exchange of blows between a pony and a goat to show how poor the goats are at CQC instead of just being told.
Those that managed to get further fumbled with their guns and fired wildly into the fray, the recoil making the bulky weapons jerk around in their grip. Several of them lost their balance and got knocked on their flanks, giving their pursuers time to catch up.
So they are using guns. I'm going to assume it's one of those crap early guns like an arqebus. If it's something like modern guns or even decent muskets, these ponies would be in for a hellish time. Unless they're naturally bullet proof. The crystal ponies, maybe.
The bill thrashed non-stop as he was dragged back and lifted up.
The passive voice is getting to me as badly as the constant LUS.
series of loud bangs came from his right, and he hissed as something grazed the plating on his side, setting off a sharp pain.
Apparently, Shining Armor has nerves...in his armor plating.
The blow was inches from Shining's face by the time he could react, using one foreleg to block while he rammed into the thug to prevent a second strike.
The blow was inches from Shining's face when he blocked it with a foreleg. Before a second strike could come, he rammed into the thug.
Yeah, call me a showoff. Some of the action sentences need some tightening.
Good to get some action at last.
I will concede that proper action is introduced rather late into the story. This was my first attempt at a proper longfic, and while I wanted to make sure there's a decent buildup to the action... yeah, probably could have used more. There's an argument in my defense, but it would spoil things about the fic that I'm hoping you will notice on your own, not to mention there is extensive action in the fic. Just... not yet.
That's odd, I don't remember Shiny being like that. A language barrier is a mean thing, though, especially when: 1) it's Russian, where "mat" is like a language within a language, composed almost entirely of swearing, 2) you are supposed to be peacekeepers, yet nobody shows any intention of being peaceful, and 3) you are cute little ponies trying to be heroes and expecting everyone to be grateful for your presence, yet people are just shouting at you in a language you don't understand. I can easily imagine Shiny being tense.
That part is a screwup that I cannot defend. Not the dual-wielding part, believe it or not, "pike/halberd + dagger" is not only possible, but wielders would tend to keep the sidearm already out of its sheath (pinned against the shaft, for example) in case the enemy got too close for the polearm to be useful.
The screwup is that the weapons themselves are wrong. They do have polearms and swords, but the other weapons we haven't worked out yet at this point (they include ranged weapons), and the description itself isn't right (it's supposed to mean "some went for their ranged weapons"). I'll fix it.
Actually, aside from the excessive bulkiness, they are closer to 20th century weaponry, but clearly not top-of-the-line hardware (there's a reason for this, but it's a spoiler). I left it vague because I assumed Shiny and co have never heard of a "sawn-off shotgun" or a "submachine gun" before. Not totally happy with the description either way, so I might change it, but I didn't want to descend into what reads like gun-wank.
Yeah, made it too vague. It's meant to be a hit that didn't penetrate, but still delivered a nasty blow. Their armor isn't designed against firearms, after all.
Agreed.
Nerves... Of steel.