I Went to the Dentist and I Was Sure the Anesthetics Would Do Wonders to my Dignity, and Oh Fucking Shit Was I Right · 9:41pm Sep 4th, 2016
There's no fucking way to preface this in a dignified way, so screw it. I'm being upfront.
I lost a fight against a streetlight last week.
Now, before you say anything: there’s a story behind this. First of all, the streetlight fought dirty – I wasn’t in a clear state of mind. Second of all, you can hardly blame me, damn it all to hell.
I had barely slept, because there’s a fucking pigeon nesting on a tree near my window, and the son of a bitch didn’t stop hooting until dawn (I know pigeons don’t hoot, they coo, but this one was hooting, trust me). After confronting it [1] I went to the dentist without having enough breakfast, and then I came back high as hell on anesthetics. I wasn’t thinking straight is what I mean. I have a weak constitution.
[1] Dramatization of the events that went on at around 7 am, when the sun rose and I realized the bird had kept me awake the whole night:
Pigeon: HOOT.
Me: FUCK OFF.
Pigeon: HOOT.
Me: FUCK OFF. YOU BIRD.
Pigeon: HOOT.
Me: I WILL END YOU. I WILL FUCKING END YOU. I WON’T ALLOW THIS.
Neighbor: OH MY GOD. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Me: WHAT.
Neighbor: YOU WOKE UP MY DAUGHTER. YOU GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT.
Me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. I WOKE HER UP.
Pigeon: HOOT.
Neighbor: I HATE THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
I’m aware this implies I started off the morning by losing a debate against the most retarded of birds.
So after this I'm going home, walking in sunshine as you can imagine, and my sister asks me why the long face. I say “Oh don't get me started, it's because of a bird. It wouldn’t let me sleep. I hate that bird so goddamn much.”
At this point, the streetlight was right next to me. I lean against it as I leer at my sister.
“See,” I continue, drunken rage in my voice, “I’m gonna fuck that bird up. I’m—I’m gonna fuck it up. I’m gonna go to its tree, right, and then I’m going to go all AAAAARGH.” I turn against the streetlight. “And I will PUNCH IT! LIKE! THIS!”
Like a bullet shot from the depths of hell, my fist soars through the air, breaking the sound barrier, straight towards the streetlight—
And I miss.
The powerful roar turns into a yelp.
Momentum makes me twirl towards the left.
My head smashes against the streetlight.
Really fucking hard.
Sister: Did you. Did you honestly just. Get beaten up by a—
Me: NO. DON’T.
Sister: You lost a fistfight against something with no arms.
Me: SHUT UP.
Sister: You’re never living this down. Ever.
Me: GOD DAMMIT MY FACE HURTS WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME.
Sister: …We’re just walking out the dentist office. You’re more anesthetics than human at this point. It’s impossible for you to feel any pain.
Me: I HIT THE BIT THAT ISN’T NUMB.
Sister: How can you be so clinically bad at life.
Me: I THINK I'M BLEEDING.
Thanks to that wonderful invention that is Whatsapp all my family knows that a fucking streetlight got the best of me on a – completely unfair – fight. Sister was right, because I'm never living it down. This is it. This is how I will be remembered. THIS IS MY LEGACY.
And the bird is still hooting next to my window.
I haven’t slept fully in three days.
I have another dentist appointment in two days. My sister won’t be here to take care of me after the procedure.
I’m afraid I might get mugged by a mailbox on my way home.
I'm sorry, because of your avatar I'm just imagining Pyrrha going through all this. Logically that would make your sister Yang.
LOGICALLY.
Is it odd I can only hear and picture you as Pyrrha because of your avatar?
Also, why did the street light have to do that,DIDN'T THE VOLUME 3 FINALE DO ENOUGH!?
Eh.
There's a stop sign at your door. What do you do?
4191948
4191951
I mean, I do like to wear sexy armor now and then, God forgive that cleavage. Goes well with my eyes. Makes all the boys pay for my drinks at the pub. It's a win-win situation.
4191974
....Actually, what gender should we internet dwellers ascribe to you?
You are fantastic.
I'm sorry, but I lost my shit at that.
I actually was laughing the whole time.
Probably because last week I was pumped full of anesthetics, had a camera shoved up my groin for about an hour—awake—and then walked out of the hospital two hours later completely sober.
Maybe the drunken side effects of anesthesia don't affect me after 20 years.
I also own an asshole parrot that never shuts the fuck up.
But still...
I am a horrible, horrible person.
I'm sorry. I hope you're feeling better.
Now the question is...
Do you live your life as someone who lost a fight to a streetlamp, or someone who did something far more embarrassing? I guess you can take your pick there.
Good luck.
God, LD, you're an asshole, you know that?
I know, now shut the fuck up.
Do you have any idea how many downvotes that comment's going to get?
I don't give a crap, go finish your essays.
They're your essays!
What's the difference? Get the shit done.
4191980
Last time I checked, I was a dude, I think. There's footage of me, courtesy of the Seattle's Angels podcast, actually. Heavily-accented glasses guy who doesn't shut up, orange background, case you're wondering.
Lack of sleep, empty stomach, and drugs? I don't see how anything could go wrong there. You shouldn't worry about it too much though, I can count on one hand the number of my friends that haven't lost a fight to an inanimate object while heavily intoxicated.
You can tell your family cares because they use WhatsApp instead of an imessage group chat which chimes all the fucking time every single time someone sends a text and holy shit it's annoying.
Snaps, looks like things are getting silly then.
You'll have to change your mini-bio now though. Quoth the pigeon: "Hoot Hoot Hoot You got rekt."
I've walked into things, but I've never failed at punching quite like that. I'm honestly impressed.
Ahem. Earplugs. You're welcome.
You see, you may have simply had to suffer with the indignity of your family knowing, but could at least succor in the fact that the internet at large would not know of your folly.
Now though, now all of fimfic knows your shame, you fool!
Hahahhahahajahajah......hahahahah....5min later. Hahhahahahahahaha!!!
I'm so oh sorry! #SorryNotSorry
God damn it I lost it. I honestly do feel sorry for you but man that is too funny!!!!
Want some advise? If you have to pick a fight with an inanimate object. Do so with a pillow it's softer and you can pass out on it after words.
-BFBL
Don't worry my friend once got tackled by a fence
4192025 If Aragon was a girl, she'd flaunt it so hard. Like, just like we hear about his testosterone-fueled fight with a panda, there'd be stories.
I guess his butt wouldn't be much different, though.
HOOT HOOT!
Pffftttt... HAHAHAHAHAHA... HAAAHAAAHAAAAAAAAHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!! <coughing ensues for a good minute> HAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAA!! <wheezing for air> i... i'm literally dying...help me...
<ded. not big souprise.>
BB gun + pigeon = hours of fun.
When I was little, I got knocked out by a chicken after pissing it off.
It's kinda funny though.
4192712 See this is why children need to play video games. Anypony who had played the Legend of Zelda series knows not to fuck with chickens.
Sleep deprivation is the best kind of drug.
I read all of this. I love you now.
Is it empathy or sympathy where I'm sorry you suffered but don't have a clue what it feels like?
Whichever one it is, that's what you've got from me.
Your blog posts always make my day.
Edit:
Dont feel bad about it. I once got attacked by a swing.
Was in crutches for months.
It's good to know your sister seems to share your sense of humor :V
now it's time for someone to ponify this story
4192470
He'd end up with a more masculine voice
All of this is amazing. You're amazing.
The "most retarded of birds" that sounded like it was an owl for some reason.
So hey, I had some extra cash.