Visiden Tries It: Wires Chapter 1 · 11:51am Jul 3rd, 2016
Well, here we go again. A requested commentary this time made by Dark Avenger. I have to stress commentary and not review or recommendation.
Story description first.
The news had shocked the entire nation. Anger, violence, and even threats of war have erupted in the colony on the borders of the harsh Frozen North, all of it centered around the infamous city of Gueldergrad. If Equestria is to put an end to the chaos before it escalates, somepony must venture into the foreign lands and set things right.
A noble unicorn steps up to meet the challenge: Shining Armor. Newest prince of the Crystal Empire. Captain of the Royal Guard. The pride of the Equestrian armed forces.
But there is a lot hidden in the far-stretching lands of the Frozen North, and even more can it reveal among those who dare to enter. Things the valiant captain does not yet know about his own company, those who command him, or even himself...
Shining Armor not a useless sack of shit, an adulterer, a cuck, or a deadbeat dad? Sold. The whole Captain of the Royal Guard and Prince of the Crystal Empire bit (which appears to be what's also happening in the show) strikes me odd though. I'm assuming the Captain of the Royal Guard is the post he held in Canterlot. Apparently, Shining Armor is a Bethesda RPG protagonist, being able to maintain several very high ranks in multiple organizations.
And chapter 1.
The rough woolen covers stirred, and a muffled groan escaped from underneath.
Later, we'll find out that he's at sea on a boat. A place that's frequently in danger of getting wet is not a good place to use wool.
His hoof reached for the idly blabbering radio, only to stop halfway, and he just left it on.
Could have stopped at "Halfway". That would already imply that he didn't turn it off.
It was probably early evening back in Equestria, which he confirmed by glancing at the half-dozen clocks on the far wall, each one showing a different time zone.
This would make sense if he was in a command room of some sort. Why would he need to know the time for multiple time zones in his personal quarters? Is this the norm for all the rooms? Sounds like an awful lot of clocks.
"To be honest, Mr. Normative, I didn't pay much attention. The journalists who go to these places tend to be... very passionate. Soon as they find a toothpick out of place, they call it an 'atrocity'."
If his first name is "Hetero", this guy is my favorite MLP character ever.
Somewhere by the wall was the clothing rack, and he reached inside for one of his coats. Without thinking, he took out the first one to meet his hoof and slipped his limbs into it, his skin tingling from the warm embrace. Moments later, the thickness, texture, and pinpricks of color he could see revealed that it was his ceremonial outfit: an obnoxious red and gold mess of fabric and decorations. His legs tensed up, and he groaned in frustration, but after all the trouble of putting it on, he did not have it in him to take the thing off.
This is a bit questionable. My dad has these fancy uniforms he wears for ceremonies. When they're not in use they're inside one of those protective coverings with the zipper that's really heavy. It's really hard to mistake them from an outfit that you would wear daily. Why you would bring this ceremonial outfit to what appears to be a serious and dangerous mission also makes little sense. Fancy ceremonies seem more apt to be held in the homeland, not in dangerous borderlands.
He slowly trudged out of his cabin,
As opposed to quickly trudging.
Faint shapes of clouds loomed overhead, lit up by the lanterns dangling from the mast.
Hold on. There's a thick fog. I assume the clouds are really high up. Despite the distance and the fog, the lanterns lit them up? Those are some blindingly powerful lanterns.
Salty vapor touched his face briefly,
Only briefly, huh? He's at sea, the salty vapor is actually pretty constant.
The surrounding deck was virtually desolated, with only a few patrols strolling nearby.
You have to take note of connotations here. Desolate doesn't just mean empty. It means really depressingly empty. A desolated area is usually one that has had some terrible things happen to it like a plague or a fire. Not a mostly empty ship's deck. Unless there has been a recent attack on the ship or something.
He kept marching ahead, eventually coming up to a green arrow with a cross in the middle, pointing to one of the doors.
He's gone from trudging to marching now.
The stallion walked past the empty benches and opened the door opposite the entrance, a label on it reading “CHIEF M.O.”
LUS right there. He or Shining Armor works just as fine.
A puce coated pegasus with a messy bun of dark pink hair looked up from his desk and gave a wide smile. “‘Morning’, Shiny. Duty calls this early nowadays?” He looked down at the captain’s chest and gave a low whistle. “And in your royal clothing, no less...”
Shining Armor responded with a stern frown. “You are forgetting the chain of command, lieutenant.”
If Shining Armor knows this pony, which he most likely does, then he should recognize this pony by name. The description makes it seem that he's encountering this pony for the very first time. Something like "Setterline looked up from his desk." This will make describing the character more difficult to insert, I know.
“Don’t worry about it. You’re not alone. Insomnia is the #1 complaint among the crew so far.”
I'd prefer numbers spelled out myself.
“Any bad cases?” the captain asked.
I would argue that this is still a case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. There's nothing wrong with using his name.
“Then again… I do have this supply of extra-strong tranquilizers that were ‘misdirected’ to me. I’m sure my commanding officer wouldn’t hesitate to do the right thing. Confiscate them as soon as they found out and dispose of them.” As he spoke, he was already reaching for one of the nearby cabinets.
Knocking yourself out isn't the same as falling asleep, Shining Armor. You'll wake up from this with a massive headache, and severe sluggishness, not exactly the state you should be when waking up.
The doctor nodded and handed over a box of pills. “I pride myself on my foresight.”
Tranquilizers in pill form?
“Nope. He’s one of the shiners.” Setterline shrugged.
Was that a slur? I like it when stories come up with unique slurs for fantasy races.
He leaned against the railing just outside his quarters, staring at the invincible fog that enveloped their little fleet.
Invincible fog? What, are they sailing through Superman's fart? That's not quite a good fit for describing really thick fog.
His pulse was still rumbling in his ears from the light galop he had made across the entire ship.
Light exercise got him to that? You're out of shape, Shining Armor. Gallop is also misspelled here. As for "light gallop", I would think that would be more of a canter. Galloping is a horse's fastest run.
The crystal pony nodded, and her stance relaxed slightly. “Everything okay, sir?”
Again, he would know her name.
She stepped up beside him and tried to follow his gaze, but there were no distinct shapes to make out in the thick fog. Occasionally, the silhouette of one of the other ships was visible, but her commander was not looking at either of them.
“Sir, are you sure you’re—”
“It’s fine Bonnie.” Shining Armor chuckled. “Give it a rest already.”
They're totally fucking. Totally. Damn it, Shining Armor.
“Hmm…” Shining glanced at her and smirked. “Do the radiance levels confirm that?”
Bonnie smiled back. “You do know they can fake that, right?”
This is something I notice frequently in fics. Smirking has a negative connotation to it. It means he's mocking her or something which I don't think is what he's going for especially since she smiles, not smirks, back.
I like the building on crystal ponies, though. I'm not fond of crystal ponies in general, but it's nice to see how lore is built around them. They remind me of Maugs from D&D, being sentient constructs. I think it's a little overpowered that they just instantly regenerate, but I'm sure some weaknesses will manifest later. Maugs are powerful with their construct immunities and natural strengths, but one thing they have against them was that they don't heal naturally. Their race had to develop repair spells as healing spells didn't work. Instead of resting, they had to manually repair themselves if spells weren't available.
A voice rose above the commotion on the lower deck. An officer was busy scolding a handful of grunts for not having polished their gear before putting it on.
Not helping that their captain is walking around in the wrong uniform. If you want discipline in your crew Shining Armor, lead by example.
“Hmm?” The crystal mare looked at him. She followed his gaze and noticed the strict officer. "Oh, him again."
This has to stop. They have names.
“Is that why you brought all those toys in the cargo?” He nodded his head at the ship to their right, which just managed to pop out of the fog for a minute.
The mare blinked and cocked her head to the side. “What toys?”
Innuendo ahoy. Totally fucking.
I like the radio bits, it's a nice way of getting backstory going in a roundabout way.
Wow, the overall response is a lot more positive than I expected. Thanks!
My coauthor and I were kind of "finding our feet" with this first chapter, and I believe the wonky writing is a bit less frequent later on. LUS is more constant, however. I don't know why, but to me, constantly writing out names is an eyesore.
Huh. Yeah, I don't remember if this was intentional or not. In a way, I could say it fits the theme of how crap the ship is.
I'm the coauthor. Two things here.
First of all, yeah, a lot of the word choices baffle me in hindsight. Why Shining has heartbeats in his ears after walking - as opposed to walking on a swiveling ship in the middle of the night which is basically a midnight sunday jog - I cannot say. Or why the fog is invincible. Or why we used "tranquilizers" and not "sedatives".
But most importantly... well, this assumes you find this interesting enough to keep going. If our way of addressing and introducing characters triggers LSU for you, yooou're going to save a lot of time just not pointing LSU out. We, ahm, respectively disagree as to what constitutes LSU, as well as whether repeating the characters' proper names ten thousand times in a row is acceptable. Everyone has 3-4 titles they're referred to as throughout the story (gender|species|rank|name +-color if necessary). All the characters are also introduced - and will be introduced - with a description first, their names given later. Opinions differ, of course, but we are fairly sure that Shining turning into an amnesiac for a second (at the absolute worst) is acceptable, if it helps us avoid throwing the reader headfirst into a character and making them feel like they're supposed to know them.
Since DA also didn't really explore the thematic of the ship being crap... That's not quite just an excuse, that's an actual theme that'll continue to run on. Their ships aren't terribly well equipped, their forces aren't terribly well managed, and it's all... not... terribly... well. So certain things - like the deck being desolated - were definitely intentional, while others - like woolen covers - are goofs that we're keeping in because honestly, they make sense.
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We'll have to disagree on what constitutes an eyesore in this case. I don't mind seeing a lot of "Shining Armor" in the narration, and "he" helps with making it even easier to read through. When I see "the captain" or "the white unicorn" however, I see an author going out of his way to avoid saying a name which brings focus on the superstructure of the story rather than what's going on. I won't mention this again now that I've highlighted it here.
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I would opine that readers (well, me anyway) don't really mind not getting a full description of a character upon introduction. I would prefer an organic way of describing ponies Shining Armor knows. Something like this.
I think I enjoy these commentaries more than I should.
Going to throw my hat into the anti-LUS camp; it is a huge problem throughout fan fiction in general. Published works very rarely have this problem as editors are quick to stamp it out.
I will say that there are occasions where descriptors in place of names are fine. These are usually the occasions where the character or the scene serves to highlight that aspect of the descriptor.
Taking A Song of Ice and Fire for example, Tyrion is referred to as the dwarf within narration at times. These are usually when his stature is relevant to limitations directly impacting the scene or or it actively influencing his perspective or others. If not sure whether it is an appropriate time to use a descriptor, be safe and choose to use the name or pronoun.
Similarly, forcing characters to become amnesiacs is lazy writing, at best. I would recommend picking up a recent published work and taking note of how new to the readers but previously known characters to the point of view perspective are introduced. You will often notice only a single distinctive trait provided and full descriptions rarely necessary or given upon introduction.