I Found a Fetish Porn Comics Website and I Fucking Mistook It for a Safe Website, and It Took Me Way Too Goddamn Long to Realize My Mistake · 6:27pm May 2nd, 2016
God dammit.
I'm not good at romance, but just.
God dammit. God fucking dammit.
This is a thing that actually happened and it honestly took me over two hours to realize that something was amiss. I spent two hours reading the weirdest goddamn fetish porn shit ever. The following is the conversation in which I realized what was going on.
It's been edited to make it more readable, and to add a little more content? (And to censor some bits, like how I don't call MrNumbers "MrNumbers" in Skype -- I use an incredibly hilarious pun with his real name instead) But it's very much based on reality.
Starts slow. Sadly, it didn't stay that way.
Extremely safe for work, worry not. However, it's safe for work in the most horrible of ways.
Aragón: uh
Aragón: so
Aragón: numbers
Aragón: mr numbers
Aragón: are you there
MrNumbers: No.
Aragón: I need to share this with you
MrNumbers: Fuck off.
MrNumbers: <3
Aragón: okay so you know how I read lesbian comics, right
Aragón: like that’s a thing that I just
Aragón: do
Aragón: like in my free time
MrNumbers: Yes. Yes, I’m aware of your hobbies.
Aragón: I call them lesbian comics ‘cause they’re comics about lesbians
MrNumbers: …Yes. I’m also aware of that.
Aragón: well I was reading this lesbian comic, right
Aragón: and it started cute
Aragón: and then it got
Aragón: uh
MrNumbers: It got lesbian?
MrNumbers: They tend to do that.
Aragón: no it
Aragón: it got
Aragón: it got fucking weird.
Aragón: like it starts with two girls just hitting it out right
Aragón: a la hahahah we’re lesbians having a fun time just here laughing because we’re gay, which is a pun that works in many levels
Aragón: but then they get, like, steamy right
Aragón: a la hahahah we’re lesbians having a fun time let’s
MrNumbers: Okay, let me stop you right there. Question:
MrNumbers: Is this porn?
MrNumbers: Are you reviewing porn all over me now?
Aragón: no, no, that’s—that’s the weird thing, dude. I don’t read porn, I read cute shit, and this is Hello Kitty levels of safe vanilla stuff
Aragón: I specifically seek out the SFW tag
Aragón: and as the comic goes on, it’s perfectly normal
Aragón: but then suddenly one of the girls suffers a fucking aneurism or some shit
Aragón: and then she
Aragón: licks the other girl’s tears
Aragón: like outta fucking nowhere
MrNumbers: What.
Aragón: and it’s drawn in this extremely detailed way and it totally feels like a money shot in a porno or some shit
Aragón: BUT UNTIL THIS POINT
Aragón: THE COMIC HAS JUST BEEN TWENTY PAGES OF CUTE FLUFF
MrNumbers: What the fuck.
Aragón: FUCKING LOOK AT THIS
Aragón: [http://d[REDACTED_FOR_YOUR_SAKE]#5]
MrNumbers: HAHAHAHA
MrNumbers: HAAHAHAH
MrNumbers: Oh god.
MrNumbers: Why is your taste
MrNumbers: So terrible.
MrNumbers: Why do you have this.
MrNumbers: What the fuck.
Aragón: I’m in a bad mood okay
Aragón: so I said
Aragón: fuck it
Aragón: lesbian comics
Aragón: this one works
Aragón: and then I find this
Aragón: and I'm like okay
Aragón: that is not what I was looking for at all
MrNumbers: I propose a completely different reading:
MrNumbers: This is exactly what you were looking for.
Aragón: yeah so anyway I’m livereading the next one now
MrNumbers: By all means, do so.
Aragón: neato peato
Aragón: okay then
Aragón: so two friends (platonic so far, but heavily shipped, implied to be in love) quarrel
MrNumbers: Okay.
Aragón: "OKAY LET'S SETTLE THIS"
Aragón: "WITH A SUMO WRESTLING FIGHT WEARING SWIMSUITS"
MrNumbers: …
MrNumbers: Excuse me?
Aragón: yeah no
Aragón: no context
Aragón: they just fucking do that
MrNumbers: They fight.
Aragón: yes
MrNumbers: In sexy swimsuits? Well, I see the appeal.
Aragón: wait now they're making out
Aragón: Christ how is this so fucking japanese
Aragón: NOW THEY ARE FIGHTING AGAIN
Aragón: now they're making out again
Aragón: random boob shot
MrNumbers: Dude why do you read this shit.
Aragón: why was that there tho
Aragón: that’s what I wonder
Aragón: like
Aragón: aren't they around fourteen or so
MrNumbers: Is this a Japanese comic?
Aragón: yes
MrNumbers: An Indie Japanese comic?
Aragón: you gotta get your lesbians somewhere
MrNumbers: Then why are you even surprised? It’s weird that you didn’t get a boobshot earlier rather.
Aragón: this is catered to little girls!
MrNumbers: The indie lesbian semipornographic Japanese comic.
MrNumbers: Is catering to little girls?
Aragón: yes
Aragón: because it’s cute
Aragón: that’s how this works right
MrNumbers: You’re adorable sometimes.
Aragón: OH MY GOD
Aragón: DUDE
Aragón: ONE OF THEM WAS BRUSHING HER TEETH
MrNumbers: Weren’t they sumo wrestling?
Aragón: NO NOW THEY ARE BRUSHING THEIR TEETH
Aragón: THERE’S NO CONTEXT THE SUMO SHIT JUST ENDS BECAUSE THEY’RE MAKING OUT SO HARD THE REFEREE WALKS AWAY IN SHAME
MrNumbers: So like your mother whenever you open your mouth in public?
Aragón: YES
Aragón: SO ANYWAY
Aragón: BRUSHING TEETH, RIGHT
Aragón: THEN THE OTHER ONE JUST
Aragón: WALKS IN
Aragón: LEANS OVER
Aragón: BITES THE TOOTHBRUSH
Aragón: AND SNAPS IT IN HALF
Aragón: LIKE WITH HER MOUTH
MrNumbers: What.
Aragón: WHAT
MrNumbers: No, seriously, what?
Aragón: I HAVE NO IDEA
Aragón: LIKE GIRL 1 IS JUST HOLDING IT WITH HER MOUTH AND THE OTHER JUST GOES RAAAAAAARGH AND FUCKING BITES IT IN HALF
Aragón: I’M TURNING THE PAGE TO SEE IF THEY FUCKING
Aragón: ah
Aragón: nah they don’t explain shit
Aragón: now they're making out
MrNumbers: Is
MrNumbers: Is the toothbrush still there?
Aragón: yeah
Aragón: of course
Aragón: random boobshot
Aragón: I'm starting to find a pattern here
Aragón: they keep making out
Aragón: I think the artist forgot to draw the toothbrush here
Aragón: that or they just fucking swallowed it
Aragón: ‘cause holy shit they’re really trying to eat each other here
MrNumbers: I’m trying to picture the author’s thought process as they were drawing this.
MrNumbers: I keep coming up short.
MrNumbers: I mean, what is this?
MrNumbers: Some kind of weirdly specific dental hygiene denial fetish porn?
Aragón: it’s not porn! it’s tagged SFW!
MrNumbers: Pretty fucking sure that ship sailed by the third boobshot, dude
Aragón: for little girls!
MrNumbers: Dude.
MrNumbers: Just.
MrNumbers: Okay, you know what?
MrNumbers: Just—never have children.
MrNumbers: Easier to do that than to explain anything to you.
Aragón: wait
Aragón: okay this is
Aragón: so one of them talked right
Aragón: up until now there’s been little dialogue—mostly just hmpfs and aaahs and grunting. Kids like that shit apparently
MrNumbers: No, seriously, never in your life go near a vagina, dude.
Aragón: an then after the furious make-out that preceded the last boobshot
Aragón: Girl 2 goes and says
Aragón: "It was an accident! My foot slipped!"
Aragón: and like, okay
Aragón: what exactly was an accident here
Aragón: 'cause darling you bit one toothbrush in half (WHILE THE OTHER WAS STILL HOLDING IT IN HER MOUTH WHAT THE FUCK) and then you just furiously make out
Aragón: and then it's just
Aragón: oh no it was an accident hahah
Aragón: what happened
Aragón: is this normal
Aragón: is this how lesbians work
Aragón: is this like
Aragón: their version of farting
Aragón: like we go oh shit hahah sorry dude I let that one rip and now this stinks
Aragón: do lesbians just go oh whoopsie I think I just swallowed your toothpaste and then licked your tonsils.
MrNumbers: And the tears.
MrNumbers: Don’t forget the tears.
Aragón: but of course
Aragón: seriously what the fuck is going on
Aragón: they’re trying to be cute now
Aragón: like “I-I didn’t mean to do this” and shit
Aragón: they’re going fucking tsundere on my ass
Aragón: are you shitting me
Aragón: I hate tsundere so much
MrNumbers: Yeah, I know. You made that clear long ago.
Aragón: also now they're making out again
MrNumbers: What?
MrNumbers: Weren’t they, like, doing the “I don’t really like you” routine?
Aragón: they were but I think the artist got bored
Aragón: so now they’re making out again
Aragón: oh
Aragón: toothbrush breaker smells toothbrush breakée's boobs
Aragón: that also counts as a random boobshot, I think, but emphasis is drawn upon the smelling action, not the boobage
MrNumbers: You mean she, like, motorboards her and then sniffs, or…?
Aragón: no no that’s
Aragón: she’s like
Aragón: toothbrush breaker is inserting a fucking nipple in her right nostril dude
MrNumbers: Oh.
Aragón: snorting that shit
Aragón: scarface ain’t got shit on this
MrNumbers: Why are you reading this again?
Aragón: because it’s not porn
Aragón: it’s cute lesbian comics
Aragón: now they make out again
Aragón: the end
Aragón: …
Aragón: boy
MrNumbers: That was a trip.
Aragón: that was a fucking journey
Aragón: I think this is officially my most favorite comic ever now
MrNumbers: Mind giving me the link? I want to read this out loud to my MsNumbers
Aragón: may I ask why
MrNumbers: So we can both laugh at you.
MrNumbers: This is fetish porn you dumbass.
Aragón: are
Aragón: are you sure
MrNumbers: Look, instead of doubting me?
MrNumbers: Go read the next comic.
Aragón: okay
MrNumbers: Tell me how it stars.
Aragón: a girl tells her girlfriend she’s sweaty and couldn’t get a shower
Aragón: girlfriend wants to lick said girl’s armpit because she says that’s what love is
Aragón: …
Aragón: FUCK
MrNumbers: There you have it.
Aragón: FUCK ME
MrNumbers: The moment we were all waiting for.
Aragón: DUDE I’VE
Aragón: IT’S BEEN TWO HOURS
Aragón: TWO FUCKING HOURS READING THIS
Aragón: I’VE BEEN READING THIS IN PUBLIC OH MY GOD
Aragón: IT’S BEEN PORN THIS WHOLE TIME
MrNumbers: You’re literally the only person I know who would ever have this problem.
Aragón: WHY
Aragón: WHY MUST GOD HATE ME SO
MrNumbers: I’m dying to see what Google Ads thinks of you now.
Aragón: I’M A DEGENERATE
Aragón: OH GOD I’M A DEGENERATE NOW
Aragón: I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE
MrNumbers: Yeah, see, next time your mother walks away from you in shame?
MrNumbers: Next time she does that?
MrNumbers: This is why.
MrNumbers: This is why that happens.
MrNumbers: …
MrNumbers: …Hello?
MrNumbers: Oh my God you’re still reading.
Aragón: MAYBE THE NEXT ONE WILL BE NORMAL
Aragón: AND I’LL BE CLEAN
Aragón: I’LL BE CLEAN
Aragón: first page: “I want to see my girlfriend be fucked by a dog”
Aragón: GOD FUCKING DA—
The sad thing is, this is not the first time this happens.
This is... this is not the first time this exact same thing happens.
...wow.
Just... wow.
At least I know what fetish porn looks like.
...
How is it possible to read content like that for two hours and not realize it's fetish porn? How? HOW?
If you can honestly be misled by this, I'm starting to think you're not the best person to be blogging about romance writing.
You can tell when he's making up what I'm saying when my vocabulary suddenly improves
Well? Links man I am intrigued
god do I love reading your fucking journals
Um...
so...
uh...
How- I am concerned.
The only place I can think of that would have sfw lesbian comics is... uh. Nowhere.
Or there is one, but I have a feeling you're already familiar with it.
There are times in life when
livingwithanerd.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/what-has-been-seen.jpg and literally want to4.bp.blogspot.com/-O3-Il1KSZoA/Uq9Kn6m8RTI/AAAAAAAAZRA/UMf7cqwiv7I/s1600/BIOS+Malware+that+can+remotely+destroy+any+computer.jpg
New tag for cute fluff that leads to porn:
encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQzYoewzLJwVUw8AYnrHvgw4dpKtKdXm2hbpU-ghj8D5eDcdJmDY8f0B6k0
http://girlyyy.com
I hope this can help.
I feel like my life is enriched whenever you write a blog post.
It's like a door to a whole new way of thinking opens in my brain, it's like I finally see the world for what it truly is, in all its beautiful and terrifiyng glory, it's like I suddenly understand our purpose as a species, what we are destined to do, where we are destined to go.
Then I realise you're really just an idiot, and trying to comprehend what goes on in that magnificent head of yours is an excercise in futility.
It's entertaining though.
I'm trying not to laugh myself to death and I'm failing horribly!!!
You really are the shining light of this corner of the Internet.
I couldn't stop laughing for a while.
You are either the most innocent of innocents or the most foolish of fools. Or some combination thereof.
This is the kind of thing that makes me wish i was friends with you, so I could be a part of this kind of hilarity.
And because this is the internet:
Links please?
3913497 I didn't even try
Now seriously dude... Wat. OK, you've explained it in other posts before... But still wat. You do realise you've got the moral obligation to post it so we can see how fucked up that shit is, right? Please, for the sake of the lulz.
3913594 Dito!
In response to your the tags in the blog post, I'd like to inform you that youtube offers live stream options now.
Aragon, I'm pretty sure this is just a unique problem that happens to you.
You look for cute comics and end up in the body hygiene/whatever fetish porn section. I'd say make a story out of it, but I feel like it would break your brain.
3913347
I recommend you to go and check out an anime named Eiken. You're gonna love it!
I laughed so hard I started coughing a lung out. This is amazing.
Most entertaining thing I read all day. Would give it a thumbs up if I could.
This is the best damn thing I've read all day.
See, here's the thing. If a comic (or video, or story) is porn, you know that there's a reason for its existence, because of Rule #34. It would truly be baffling if this lesbian tear-licker comic didn't have any sex or nudity. Because then it would just be creepy.
That said, I've intentionally read worse. Just... not in public.
3913692
>Gets hit in head by basketball
>oh wait, that was boob.
This made my whole goddamn afternoon.
Also, I need to find good clip art of a football helmet, or get one included in the built-in icons, because YOU ARE THE KING!
3913906
I know. Watching ten minutes of it was as agreeable as sitting on a cactus.
I'm crying. You have caused me to weep tears of liquid mirth.
aragon i'm so glad you're tangentally a part of my life. i really really am. never stop accidentally stumbling into low-key lesbian fetish porn.
Right now I'm imagining someone shouting this out on an international flight while reading... something.
I can't think of anything pornographic that doesn't outline the content pretty early on.
I sincerely hope that MrNumbers means "motorboats", otherwise he's into some seriously messed up stuff.
I dunno how they work either.
3913374 I figured it was when your vocabulary drops lower personally. Though you truly did want to read that to MsNumbers, and we all know it.
Aragon, please never change.
TL;DR. You got me at porn. Where is the link?
Where’s the link?
Well, that made me laugh so hard my face hurts.
You know, anything with boob shots shouldn't be tagged SFW, even if it doesn't have actual sex. Are you sure you didn't misread the label?
Also, have you tried Dynasty scans? All their lesbian stuff that's not safe for work is tagged NSFW, so it's pretty easy to avoid when you're just looking for cute stuff.
Sis
i mean theres this kung fu panda porn comic thats like unusually well written so if thats what you'rehey wait scratch that that is literally the exact opposite of what you could possibly be wanting
EH still better then Marvel comics civil war.
Am I the only one who finds doing an internet live-reading of comics more baffling than lesbian fetish porn?