The Horoscope Section · 11:24pm Apr 26th, 2016
—uck you mean, “when the red light’s blinking”. There are so many red lights in this shit I wouldn’t be surprised if the guy with the headphones tried to sell me a dildo.
What. What? Ah. It’s on? We’re live? Oh. Cool. Did you add the guitar riff? I don’t think I heard any guitar riff. Harold I said I wanted one. Just give me something cool when this shit starts. Like, after the intro, or when it ends. ‘Cause I like guitar riffs, that’s why! God dammit, I hate you so much. I hate you so much. I can’t fucking—
Oh right yes, the audience. Yes.
Hello, Audience.
I’m your new host.
I’ll be stepping in from now on, as our previous seer suffered a horrible case of finding a better job. Fortunately, the Union backlisted me ages ago, so there’s no way I’m getting that myself—apparently I was too good for them. Eh? Of course.
So let’s get going. The tarot cards are ready, the fumes are filling this room, and I just killed a rabbit to read its entrails. This is…
…The Horoscope Section.
…
…
Oh my God Harold was it that hard to give me a FUCKING GUITAR RIFF AFTER THE NAME DROP CHRIST ALMIGHTY WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM HAROLD I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY TOO I DESERVE TO BE—
The Horoscope Section
Guitar riff
Fucking Christ, man. Not so hard, wasn’t it?
‘Kay, let’s get to it. You scream the name of them signs, I say what the morrow will bring them. This is gonna be easy. Go!
ARIES
Think of the most painful thing you’ve ever experienced, and multiply it by crying children. That is your death, and it’s coming soon. Next!
…ARIES PART TWO
Part two? The most important bits are —
I SAID ARIES
Oh, come on.
Okay, okay. So, Aries: there’ll be an international conflict, right? A really large one. Everything that you ever loved will blow up, and turns out you were blessed with a wonderful self-esteem.
Now, Harold, if you excuse me, we have eleven more signs to go, so next!
LEO
In a most ironic twist, you’ll be killed by a shark. Next!
PISCES
In a most ironic twist, you’ll be killed by a lion.
Gotta love that symmetry. Next!
UM
Um? I don’t know that sign. Not getting any readings either.
ARE YOU, UH, ARE YOU GONNA KEEP DOING THIS
Doing what? Telling the future?
PROPHETISING OUR AUDIENCE’S DEMISE
Only if they’re going to die. Harold, you know I’m the best, right? I never miss. But horoscopes are inherently stupid. This shit is based on the month you were born, for God’s sake—I’m predicting the future of one twelfth of the population at the time! Even if I never miss…
Well, the only thing that many people can have in common is that they all die, eventually. So yeah. Sorry for being statistically accurate. Next!
GEMINI
Don’t be Chinese. Next.
OKAY NOW GEMINI BUT WITHOUT THE RACISM
Hey! I’m not being racist, I’m being accurate. The best thing you can do this week, if you’re a Gemini, is to not be Chinese. That is a fact.
Seriously. I have absolutely nothing against the Chinese, it’s just that China will be one of the major parties in that war I mentioned earlier. So sure, the Aries will get fucked, but the Chinese Geminis?
Hah, hah, wow. Yikes.
I mean, all the other Geminis are fucked too, sure, but statistically there are more Chinese Geminis than nonChinese Geminis, right? So there you go.
LIBRA
You will fuck a goat.
…
Wait, wha—
SCORPIO
What no fuck Scorpio, what the hell. Libra will what?
PLEASE MOVE ON TO SCORPIO
I mean – I just. A goat. Libra, as in, all the Libras in the world, will—okay yeah, there’s only one way to read this. You will fuck a goat. This is a choice you’ll make, and then you’ll carry that weight for the rest of your life.
This is, like, holy shit. A goat? Are you people aware of the implications here? All the Libras will fuck, or be fucked by, a goat! A goat! This is—
AQUARIUS
—think of it, we’re talking about one twelfth of the population. One twelfth of the population! Jesus fuck, do you people have any idea how much that is?! This is, like – Do we even have that many goats? Somebody look that up. What’s the ratio? Fifteen people per goat?
Fifteen people per goat! Each goat will be fucked fifteen times on average! That’s fucking insane! How does this even work? What about the little kids, the babies, the really old folks? I mean, shit, the logistics make no sense! What about the people who live far away from the goats? Will this be, like, a pilgrimage thing or…?
And this applies to women, too! Hahah! Ladies, fuck almighty, I both admire and fear your determination. I have no idea how this will work, but damn it if you aren’t gonna—
VIRGO
No, fuck Virgo too, Harold—this is important. What is the motivation here?! This is a major cultural movement! One twelfth of the population!
YOU MOVE ON FROM THE GOATS OR I’M CALLING SECURITY ON YOUR ASS
ONE TWELFTH OF THE POPULATION! THIS WILL CHANGE THE WORLD!
MOVE THE FUCK ON
NO!
SECURITY
God dammit.
Oh, for fu—I’m moving on! I’m moving on, see! No goats, no goats whatsoever—now get your thugs out of here!
TAURUS
Yes, yes, yes. Ugh.
Okay, Taurus. War again. Caused by you, because you were too bullheaded. Hah, hah. Hah, hah.
In all seriousness, now – you will cause the war, especially if you are the leader of China. Mind you, you will not start the war at all? But you will be too bullheaded (hah, hah) to accept a particular treaty that will apparently offend the shit out of you.
So, war.
Gotta love politics, really. Next!
CAPRICORN
Capricorn. Capricorn…
Huh. Hey, maybe the goat thing is metaphorical, and it actually refers to—
SECURITY
—OTHING REFERS TO NOTHING SEE I’M READING CAPRICORN. LOOK. I’M READING.
GOOD
Asshole. This goes against my civil rights.
Anyway, Capricorn, I don’t fucking know. An average number of your group will catch a cold or whatever. You’re miserable, and you will continue being miserable. Next.
CANCER
If you’re a Cancer, and also the President of the United States, you will declare a war on China.
Oh. Hey! Yeah, this makes sense—you make an offer to China, right, and China refuses. Then you declare the war. Apparently, this is all because China is the country with the largest number of goats in the world, and they refuse to… share…
OH MY FUCKING GOD I KNEW IT I FUCKING—
SAGGITARIUS
—SAID IT’D CHANGE THE WORLD YOU SON OF A BITCH WELL GUESS WHAT I WAS RIGHT AND WE’RE GOING FULL CIRCLE. WORLD WAR THREE PREDICTED SUCCESFULLY BECAUSE OF A BUNCH OF LITERAL FUCKING GOATS, HAROLD, IN YOUR FACE—
SECURITY
—GODDAMN SHITTY-ASS SOCIAL REVOLUTION CULTURAL MOVEMENT HISTORY-SHAPING MOTHER—HEY! HEY! TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME! NO!
GOD D—UGH!
NO! ARGH! I’M BEING OPPRESSED! I’M BEING OPPRESSED! HAROLD IS TOO SCARED TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH BUT THE GOATS ARE OH FUCK NOT IN THE FACE NOT IN THE—ARGH!
AND THAT WAS
ARGH! OH GOD PLEASE STOP!
The Horoscope Section
Guitar riff
GAAAH! MOTHER TAKE ME IN YOUR ARMS IT HURTS SO MUCH! ARGH!
THANK YOU FOR STAYING WITH US, AND TUNE IN NEXT WEEK
AAAAAAAAARGH!
The original prompt for this (that I wrote a horoscope that never fails) came, of course, from MrNumbers. Who else?
This was designed for a podcast that, sadly, never came to be. Which means that yes, there's a recording of me having a psychotic meltdown about fucking goats, like, out loud.
Hell, that is mostly the reason why the podcast never came to be, in fact.
XD
3898897 explains SOOO much
This reads a lot like "Guest Host at Night Vale Community Radio."
It's another entry in a long and proud tradition of taking the sheer ridiculousness of horoscopes and running with it. You stand on the shoulders of such luminaries as Weird Al Yankovic, sir.
This is the best. :D
3898897
Wait, what?
That is the absolute best reason this podcast must come to be.
Like, seriously, people would pay money for this. In fact, twenty bucks says they would.
See what I did there? Ha! Pay up, dude!
Huh? What do you mean we never shook on it? Come on, it's the goddamn internet!
I may be slightly more intoxicated than I realized...
3898897 Don't forget that we also have the amazing Carabas doing the goat bit too!
Wow.
Well I'm a non Chinese gemini, so it could be worse. I think.
What I'm getting from this is that if I don't have sexual congress with a goat, I will save the world.
I accept this mission.
I deny this prophecy, so I shall lie in wait for this shark from a heavily fortified position.
I read through most of it, but then I got to Libra and went "Oh God, not the same goat, right?
Each poor goat, 15 times?!
It causes World War III?!
Man, this month is going to suck. I never signed on for goats... unless that Capricorn thing is metaphysical... Do you think China has an above average number of Capricorns?
3898897 I will pay money for this audio.
3899170 One twelth of the Chinese population is already above average...
English and its ambiguities...
Let's see... Having my intestines resectioned and a tube sticking out of my gut for two months... multiply by crying children... Damn.
Well, considering I won't be fucking any goats and/or getting blamed for starting WW3, I guess I can settle for being an Aries.
Another hilarious blog, Aragon. Keep 'em coming! And YES, I want to hear the audio of this, too!
Well let's see what I-
OH, COME ON!
...
Actually, I feel a bit relieved that I won't know how I'll die or something. And that I won't fuck a goat. My sister, on the other wing...
Also, I demand more of this, it's hilarious
3899065 If you find the urge to fuck goats this easy to resist, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you haven't played Undertale.
I'd probably find it a much more difficult challengeDISREGARD THAT IT'S A GOOD THING I'M A CAPRICORN AND DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS SORT OF MORAL DILLEMMA, RIGHT3899486
Goatfam is not for sexual.
Heck, I didn't even pick "stay with Toriel" in the Pacifist Ending. I figured Frisk already had parents or other loved ones.
3898897 I want this recording. I will give you money.
Anybody else read this in Nowacking's Vinyl Scratch voice?
3900073
Nope. But now I really wish I had. XD
Hm... Reminds me of that Weird Al song:
I like the song, so it's good.
Huh...
Maybe it's time I started looking at horoscopes as more than just idle entertainment and exercises in confirmation bias.
Argh! Why can't I favorite or save this for later?
to prove horoscopes are bullshit i am going to genetically alter myself and become chinese
suck it horoscopes
>A Cancer will start world war 3
So the next President won't be Trump, Bernie, Hillary or Cruz?
In fact, I can't find ANY cancer presidential candidates that have even a slight chance of winning.
3899052
3899065
3899160
3899241
3899354
3901160
3902072
Man, it's actually cute how some of you guys went and looked for your sign in this. I guess it makes all the sense, in hindsight, but I never thought about it. Amongst all the rampant zoophilia, ignoring the cry of a million goats, you earnestly look for a bit of yourselves in the blog. To maybe catch a glint of your future, or perhaps some recognition, or something you can relate to.
Shame the fucking goats stole the spotlight, eh.
3902962
I don't like to take guesses, so I went for the safe route.
Check Obama's birthday, yo.
3902976
But what if I am the goat. It all makes sense, all non Chinese Gemini are actually goats! That's why we'll be fucked - by libras! My whole life suddenly makes a lot more sense. I know what must be done, the Stars will guide me. Thank you oh wise one.
3902976
sure but i would have said that whether or not i was a gemini
any reasonable person would immediately take the opportunity to defy mother nature and become chinese while at the same time flipping off horoscopes and fingering them with your middle finger in a heartbeat
you dont just pass that up
3902976
Obama's a Leo...
3898897 I don't think you can comprehend how much I need you to do this.
Download Audacity. Go go go go go go go go!
Also I am libra.
Where is this recording.
I need it in my life. Right now.