MLP Episode review: Crystal Empire Parts One and Two · 1:17am Apr 20th, 2016
And time to start season three!
Season three is the shortened one, natch. I am... it's not gonna be pretty, folks.
So, we begin with a dark lord... of stairs, a plan... of dubious merit. A mentor... who takes things too far.
The Crystal Empire part one
We start in on Canterlot. Celestia is doing paperwork, accompanied by some pony I don't know if she has a name or not. Suddenly, a guard bursts in and delivers news from Northern Equestria. With a dramatic helmet-removal and mane-flip, even! "'It' has returned." It? What It? Pennywsie? the Thing from another world? Pulaski's nickname for Data? Apparently Celestia knows, because she sends for Cadance and Shining Armor, and writes Twilight a letter.
At Golden Oaks, Twilight is having a not-funny spaz attack. It's not funny. It really isn't. Her friends look on in concern, hopefully about to call for the special people with the white jacket for Twilight. She pulls a huge-ass book out of a shelf and drops it on Spike. Then flash cards. Because. Spike tells her to calm down. "It's just a test." She flips out on him and the library goes midair.
Sixteen
At Canterlot, in front of a stained-glass window of Shiny and Cadance defeating the changelings, Celestia and Luna are talking. Luna wants to go... somewhere. Very wise of her. Apparently Shiny and Cadance are there, wherever 'there' is, and some empire's magic is powerful. Well, Palpatine sure as hell was strong in the Dark Side. It can't fall again. Okay, then send Luna to help. 'She', that we know is Twilight, will succeed, and she'll be much closer to and for god's sake we all know what it is. To become the 'Princess of friendship', a title I still don't think she's earned, tested in a way that put a lot of people in far too much danger and took way too much risk.
Twilight arrives, and Celestia says to trust her. That ship will sail and sink by Magical Mystery Cure, Celly. We get a legit-amusing scene of Twilight dropping her stuff and it getting messy. But no, this is a different kind of test! Okay, multiple-choice? Finally, we get some solid info. The Crystal Empire has returned! Twilight doesn't know of it, and even Celestia knows little. She gets an exposition crystal ready. A hologram-map of it lights up, nice effect there. It's got a 'powerful magic', which just sounds like an odd way to phrase it to me.
A thousand years ago, very coincidental time, :p King Sombra took it over. By the way, Sombra's design has always made me laugh. Curved red horn, glowing eyes, it's like an alicorn OC that everybody parodies! We see him lording over the crystal ponies and them in chains, and it's bad. Then Celestia and Luna come in and blast him. Multi-colored effects from their horn. I'm going with not the Elements of Harmony. He was banished into the ice, but cursed the Empire to vanish. We also learn the Empire is an amplifier artifact. Celestia also uses Dark Magic to make a point she could've just told Twilight.
So, she's sending Twilight there to... protect it, as Twilight says and Celestia does not deny. She and the other Mane Six will be sent there. I notice a distinct lack of, I don't know, Elements of Harmony going with them. As they leave the throne room and Celestia says more about her level of studies than the ponies she'll be helping, Luna glares at Twilight. I am right there with you, sister. And...
Celestia tells her it must be "You and you alone" who assists Cadance and Shining Armor in doing what's necessary, which goes against every damned thing Twilight's been taught so far. And considering it's Twilight, that's not a good thing!
God, how I loathe trickster mentors.
And she's sent off... without the Elements, without, I don't know, Royal Guardsponies? Scholars who could assist her in research? ANY mention of a backup plan?! Just her and the others.
Outside, Spike tries to cheer her up, and we get a song about how Twilight wasn't prepared for what happened. It's a nice song and tour through Canterlot. Her mind's sharp... except when she snaps or goes on a checklist spree. At the train station, the others arrive. Quick, get the Elements! Pinkie fires off her party cannon... and it and she somehow reverse it back down. Okay, clever. Twilight tells them where they're going, and it's met with understandable confusion.
After the commercials, we see a train chugging through an arctic wasteland. They get off... and besides Rarity and her scarf, none of them have any winter clothing. Also, Spike pratfalls. Shining Armor shows up, with some rather cool and appropriate glare-reducing glasses. He says they should get going, because of things in the dark, which wouldn't be as much of a problem if they had some guards with them.
Actually, the specific threat is Sombra, so maybe guards wouldn't be quite so effective against him. So the Elements? Other unicorns? Suddenly, Sombra shoots up like a bubbling crude! He's... a big black cloud with glowing, mascara-covered eyes. Shining Armor suddenly stops to fight him... even though that was actually unnecessary, since they were pretty far ahead of him. Totally ineffective, natch. They make it inside, but Shining Armor's horn has crystals all over it. Oh, no. He got into the rock candy! No, he's been conveniently removed for added drama.
We get a nice shot of the Crystal Empire and a large tower in what appears to be the center of the place. Rarity's so agog about the crystals she's about to... do something you can't do in this show. Applejack tells her to focus, and Rainbow Dash is dismissive, and Rarity nearly has an aneurysm... but Dash was messing with her. "Very funny." Quite nice character interaction.
At the throne room, Cadance looks like she's marathoned all of Star Trek and Doctor Who. she's still got enough energy for a Unicorn Shake with Twilight, though. It's cute, like last time. "One of these days we need to get together when the fate of Equestria isn't hanging in the balance." NICE. :D Her horn flashes and cue ominous dark skies. She's been using her magic 'to spread love and light,' which has been holding off King Grumpy Pants. Shining Armor can't help because of what happened... ten minutes ago. What have you been doing previously?
Both have been too busy to get any infro from the crystal ponies-and Rarity again does that thing. And people were joking about Spike having self-control issues here... Twilight suddenly says, "research paper!" And I am literally, "What..." Oh, for fuck's sake... she says that gathering info must be part of her test! She'll gather info and deliver it to Shining Armor. Wow, can you say 'misplaced priorities'? Good lord, Twilight, get your head out of your plot! Dash jokes about who doesn't love research papers and Pinkie goes off on a tangent.
Outside, Twilight is asking questions. No one remembers anything, and there's a nice bit where they wince in pain and his eyes appear. They can't remember anything before him, and don't want to remember when he ruled over them. It's a somber little scene overall. We cut to Dash being... Dash and being bad cop with no good cop around. Dash, cool it NOW. Fluttershy is... meek. Pinkie Pie is channeling Solid Snake/Snake Eyes. Two of the crystal ponies look to the castle and say it looks the same, but doesn't feel the same. And before we learn anything else, Pinkie literally drops in. Smooth. And Pinkie does... pinkie things.
We cut to Rarity... having an imagine spot of her being crystalline in front of some crystal ponies. I think. The ponies are creeped out, and so am I. The Mane Six gather... including Pinkie in a Fluttershy-suit. Why she has a Fluttershy suit is a question best left to others. Applejack mentions a library and Twilight... nearly does that thing that Rarity almost did, and pretty much loses herself. PRIORITIES, MOTHERBUCKER! Do you cogitate?! Applejack moves things along by asking the librarian, possibly a relative of Mister Atoz, about the history of the Empire. Unfortunately, she can't remember. She's not even sure if she works there. Ouch... We get a montage of EPIC BOOK SEARCHING! And finally Twilight finds something. It's a history book.
After commercials, we're back in the throne room. Twilight reads about the Crystal Fair, established by 'their first queen'. Now there's someone I'd like to hear more about. It's their most important tradition, besides the Crystalling, of course. ;) It renews their spirit, and apparently the book's got all the info in it. we now get another song about putting the Crystal Fair together. It's a nice montage and song, overall.
Twilight praises them and says she couldn't have done it without them. Hint, hint... and Twilight even carved a crystal heart as a centerpiece. Pinkie blows her horn and Dyna comes running. As Twilight tries to announce the Fair, Pinkie pulls a Constructicons in the 1986 Transformers movie. Excuse me.
*Grabs horn and tosses it into a trash compactor*
She announces the Crystal Fair... and their coats all light up! Rainbow Dash is an obnoxious idiot to one of the ponies, par for the course. Others start to remember and mention the Crystal Heart. The lady from the library exposits about the Heart and its role, and even remembers she does work at the library!
Dash grabs a banner, flies to the castle and covers Twilight's sculpture. Turns out it's an actual relic, and there was a page missing. Sombra, you magnificent bastard Twilight didn't read all your book! Also, Cadance does a full diving faint, complete with swoon. Her shield fails and dark clouds swarm in.
Cue happy theme!
The Crystal Empire part two
After the recap and opening, Shining states the Empire's under attack. Thank you, Captain Obvious! Cadance manages to recover. Her shield slices off the tip of Sombar's horn, where it lands, causes the ground to bubble... and nothing of consequence happens with that. Shining Armor says he will find the Crystal Heart! No, dude. You can't be too useful here. Save it up for wife-tossing at the end. Twilight goes on about that damned test and thinks getting the Heart is the test. So no help from Rainbow Dash for this. Ugh. Okay, they're keeping the Fair going in order to lift the spirits of the crystal ponies. Laudable goal, but for selfish reasons. We also get a close-up of the bubbling area and a dark crystal rising from it. Foreshadowing, perhaps?
At the Fair, Spike finds out what Twilight's doing and rushes off to help her He's like a reptilian Samwise Gamgee. Also, Pinkie wants a flugelhorn. Everyone keep them away from her! Spike runs up to help Twilight, but she rebuffs his help. Because... *Striker growls in real-life* He promises to not lift a claw, and she takes him with her. She runs for the castle, counting on Sombra to think that no one would dare go look for it there, because of fear. Good reasoning.
Back at the Fair, Dash is playing guard to the Heart... by playing attack dog. Applejack wisely sends her away before she causes a panic, to go jousting! Hmm, got enough quarters? That game was hard. So she flies off and butts into Fluttershy's butt in one of those, "Holy crap, this is another lead-in into an adult fic," way. Applejack does a far better job keeping them away and not scaring the hell outta them, too.
With a nice segue, we're back to Twilight. She spots the throne, and realizes it looks like the exposition crystal from part one. Right, the throne room didn't look like this when he was in power. She hits the throne with dark magic and a hidden stairwell is revealed. She tells Spike to stay there, and he's all too happy to. Outside, Sombra actually speaks. "Yes, crystal." Twilight bounces down, but saves herself from a fractured skull. Reminds me of several times in real-life I've tripped down stairs, occasionally into concrete walls...
At the bottom is a door. No lady or tiger behind it, though. It zooms around whenever she gets close, but she uses more dark magic to stop it. It opens... and we're back at Canterlot? There, Celestia tells Twilight she failed. And she won't continue her studies. The door shows people their worst fears, basically. We then hear echoey Spike, who manages to shake her out of it. He then goes up to the door, and we can surmise his worst fear is Twilight sending him away. She says she'll never send him away. Okay, legit heartwarming there. She also won't fail her test... priorities, for the love of Mike?! She uses what appears to be light magic to open the door for real. Inside, another set of stairs. These ones go up. And Twilight gets a fucking clue and has Spike go with her.
Outside, Sombra is engaging in Maniacal Laughter 101. Back at the Fair, Rainbow Dash jousts with Fluttershy. And by 'jousts' I mean nrearly kill her! What the hell?! She lays on a massive guilt trip onto Fluttershy, and says she'll take it easy-but not too easy-she's got a reputation to maintain.
Back at Twilight and Spike, Spike once again proves his usefulness by wondering if the staircase goes on forever. And thus the 'Sombra loves stairs' meme is born. Twilight reverses gravity on her and Spike and slides on the bottom! Nice! At the Fair, Rarity's reacher her artistic limit with a hat made out of three pieces of hay and a drinking straw. Not even Pinkie can keep it going. And on cue, she slips on the ball she was balancing on, one of the horns she was juggling goes flying and... hits the shroud covering the sculpture. The sculpture goes flying, and the jig is up. Sombra laughs and speaks once more. "Crystal Heart."
Twilight is having a blast skating along, and ends up at the top of the tower. No Gandalf there. But there is a Crystal Heart! Sombra spots it and crystals start growing inside. Twilight gets trapped and verbally reprimands herself. And finally... she tells Spike to grab the Heart and bring it to the fair. Spike grabs it and dives out the window. Cadance's horn finally runs dry, the shield completely fails and it's complete panic.
It's a race as Spike tries to get the Heart, but Sombra's crystals knock him off-balance. Sombra also manages to regain his corporeal form. Hmm forgot that bit. His design's still goofy. Shining Armor performs his one act and tosses Cadance towards the Heart. She also picks Spike up. She flies to the crystal ponies, it gets locked into position, and epic power up! They all get crystallized, which for the record is infinitely better than Rainbow Power. Sombra fucking explodes, and we get fireworks that reach to Canterlot. "Good job, Spike." Yay!
The Mane Six are leaving. We get a bit of rarijack, too. Twilight is... embarrassed Spike was the hero. She failed the test. I mean, the Empire was saved, an evil dictator was defeated, citizens were liberated and Equestria wasn't screwed over... but Twilight failed a test. Of course, back at Canterlot, we see Spike's gotten his own stained-glass window. Way to go, dude! :) And we get the 'true' tst, that Twilight shouldn't put herself before others and trust in her friends. In other words, friendship is magic. No, really?! Yes, she passed the fucking test. We get a reprise of the first song, including, "Since when does Twilight Sparkle ever fail?" Oh... it's happened, Dashie. And we get an ominous shot of Celestia and Luna with Star Swirl's journal. Oh, joy.
Thoughts
Eh... there's good, here. Good action, nice worldbuilding. Twilight was damned clever. Nice designs and effects. But the story falls apart for me, and it rests on one undeniable fact about myself. Well, two,m but they're intertwined.
I'm stupid, and I'm dense. And I hate trickster mentors.
Okay, here's the thing. If you're gonna teach me something, you can't do the "Unlearn what you've learned" or not tell me things. Or try to 'trick' me into learning my lesson that way. Tell me the operation, let me start doing it. Some things I can figure out on my own, but if the procedure isn't gonna cause thermonuclear meltdown, there's a good chance I won't pick up on the mistakes!
So, the lesson is... let others help you out. The same damned lesson Twilight learned in episode one! Celestia sends her out to learn the same lesson she's been learning since the premiere, with vague warnings and almost no prep! And I'm not talking about info. I acknowledge Celestia didn't know a lot. That's fair. But... no soldiers? No other scholars? Not even decent winter clothing?! Where the hell were the Elements of Harmony?!
And... no. "It's a test" does not cut it for me. Yeah, Sombra can be taken out by Celestia and Luna... when they find out what happened. And get there. God knows what he's done in the meantime! Hell, he'll probably set up another, "Fuck you!" spell and there goes the Empire for another thousand years! She doesn't even have a backup plan!
No, she doesn't. Twilight specifically asks what happens if she fails, and all Celestia can say is, "You won't." Well, what if she does fail?! What then, oh wise mentor?!
The risk here is not worth the reward. There are lives at stake at the very least, and probably Equestria/possibly the planet will get screwed over.
Anyone know of the fic Parting Words? It's pretty much the only thing of RealityCheck I've read, but that opening chapter, for me, is epic and something I really wish most trickster mentors get told.
Celestia got to her hooves. She towered over the ranting little unicorn, clearly losing her temper. “You have been told all you need to know!” she said in the Canterlot Royal Voice. “I told you, this was to be a test – ”
Twilight was too far gone to even flinch. “A test?!” she shouted back. “The fate of an entire kingdom at stake, and you want to make it a TEST?!
“All that tells me is that you already know all the answers, and precisely how to fix this, and you just aren’t telling me! I don’t care what it is you’re ‘testing’ me for. Forget it, I don’t care! The welfare of other ponies is supposed to come first for a ruler, no matter what. So either tell me everything I need to know, or find somepony else to do this, because I’m not going to imperil hundreds or even thousands of innocent ponies trying to get a gold sticker from you on a TEST!”
Although I can't forget Twilight. In the episode she comes off quite insufferable, more concerned with the damned test than the lives at stake until it's almost too late. I'm not Twilight Sparkle. I'm one of the crystal ponies who will be enslaved again because she's too busy trying to make love to all the books inside the library. Nice.
Sombra is... someone I must divide into two parts. Past-Sombra and Present-Sombra. Past-Sombra is a devilishly clever guy who is scary, mean and knows what he's doing. Present-Sombra is... Gassy Mane. he just doesn't really do anything for me. It doesn't help his design is just so... funny. Also doesn't help we had Queen motherbucking Chrysalis last episode. Now that is a good villain all-around.
So... not a good start to the season. Not at all. Some good, but there's a lot here that just ticks me off.
That's rather impressive Dr Who alone is over 400 hours now.
So would you say they've got to stop running into each other like this?
I don't know. I like the episode.
An oft-missed implication of the Element of Honesty. It's one of the reasons Applejack is my favorite, because Honesty is so different from all the other Elements.
Fluttershy bears Kindness because she's too meek to be impolite. Rainbow Dash, too simpleminded to truly be disloyal. Pinkie Pie makes others laugh because she can't stand to be alone. Even Rarity is generous because a businesspony in a small town with barely any demand can't afford not to generate goodwill. Their Elements are as much a result of their faults as their virtues.
But honesty doesn't work like that. Simply saying things that are true isn't what honesty means. Kindness costs you nothing, well-placed loyalty is rewarded, and laughter is its own reward, but honesty means letting the truth be known even when it hurts you, or when you could profit more by hiding it. Deceit is like a magic spell; if you never learn it, not using it says nothing. Bearing the Element of Honesty means that she's actually very good at manipulating and deceiving others... she just chooses not to. This episode is one of the only hints about how capable she really is, of dropping her noble ideals and embracing deceit because it's what must be done.
Too bad film and TV writers disagree with you. They love the twist!
Anyway, now begins the cursed season. Unluckly 13. Let us all quail.
I feel like Sombra's traps could have been a lot more easily thwarted if Twilight wasn't going it alone/with a hands tied behind his back Spike.
Those claiming if Spike wasn't there, Sombra would have won, is kind of giving too much credit to a guy who needed his opponent handicapped for him to be a threat. to her.