First Round -- Or, Three Thousand and Six Hundred Words of Lyra and Pinkie Bringing the Thunder · 2:13pm Apr 5th, 2016
“So I’m standing there, right? Everypony is smiling and looking at me, and I have my lucky bowtie with me. Everything was going exactly as planned, down to the last detail.” Pinkie Pie took a bite out of the cupcake in her hoof and swallowed without chewing. “So I get the microphone, yes? And I take a deep breath? And nothing comes out!”
Lyra gasped and covered her mouth with a hoof.
“I know, right?!” Pinkie Pie slammed the table with both hooves, eyes open wide. “I was completely blank! I’d never gone completely blank before! I had no idea what to say!”
“Oh my goodness.” Lyra took a cupcake from the plate in front of her and nibbled it politely. “That is so terrible.”
“It was, it was!”
Lyra nodded, then left the cupcake back on the plate. She tched her tongue against the back of her throat. “So you couldn’t come up with a single joke?”
“Not at all!”
“What a tragedy.”
“Right? Right? I wasn’t even nervous!” Pinkie sighed and shook her head. “But I wasn’t talking, and the audience was looking at me funny, and I thought ‘Pinkie, you need to do something!’” She took a second cupcake. “So I just went and shoved all my cakes down their throats.”
Lyra gave her the most honest nod a mare could handle. “Of course.”
“It was the logical thing to do.”
“Certainly, you had no alternatives.”
“Exactly what I said later! When in doubt, use a cake, right?” Pinkie giggled and ate the entire cupcake in one go. “Mmmm, these are so good! Anyway, so that’s why I’m not allowed at the Diabetics Wing of the Canterlot Children Hospital anymore.”
A waving hoof. Lyra tucked one curl away from her eyes and crossed her legs. “They really don’t know fine comedy when they see it,” she said. “I, for once, believe that you did the right thing, Miss Pie.”
“Aw, shucks.” Pinkie giggled and winked at her. “You’re gonna make me blush!”
Lyra replied with nothing but a warm, little smile.
The clouds had finally gone away from the sky, and warm sunlight came through the windows of Sugarcube Corner. One of them was open, and they could hear birds chirping outside through it. They were surrounded by cooking tools of all kinds and shapes, and the air smelled like sugar.
Lyra let out a relaxed sigh and rested her back on the chair, her horn flashing faintly. As her cup of tea floated towards her face, she looked around once more. Sugarcube Corner was covered in the pleasant silence of an empty house.
She puckered her lips to take a sip of tea, only to find the teacup empty, so she put it away with the slightest sound of discomfort. “I have to say,” she said, looking back at Pinkie, “I am certainly enjoying this little chat of ours. It’s, ah, rather refreshing, is it not?”
“Why, thank you!” Pinkie clapped twice, smiling so hard her eyes closed. “We’re having so much fun, aren’t we? More tea?”
“Oh, if it’s not a bother, please.”
Pinkie assured her it wasn’t, and got the teapot. Lyra witnessed her maneuver the vessel with her mouth, wondering if it would be polite to offer her magical help, deciding against it. “Thank you dearly, Miss Pie.”
“You are welcome!”
Silence.
Lyra tapped the table twice, took a sip of tea, fidgeted around. Pinkie just stared at her, the smile never leaving her face.
Two minutes passed.
Lyra pressed his hoof against her lips and coughed twice. “Um, Miss Pie? I’m… not sure if I’ll be able to put this into words, but—”
“You have no idea how or why you’re here and you’re freaking out?”
Silence.
“Huh.” Lyra arched an eyebrow and took a sip of tea. “Well. That was easy to explain.”
“I’m good at this kind of thing!” Pinkie giggled. “Can you remember anything besides your name and mine?”
“Not really, no.”
“Childhood? Name of your parents? Goal in life?”
“I’m afraid it’s no again.”
Pinkie nodded, eyebrows high. “Sure, sure. That’s perfectly normal. Sense of existential dread creeping into you yet?”
Lyra frowned and tapped her chin. “Well. I am starting to doubt if by losing my memories I have died already. Is this new ‘me’ is a completely different pony? And if that is true, then what is a pony?” She blinked. “I also have the strangest craving for blueberry muffins.”
“Oh! Oh!” Pinkie bounced up and down her chair before getting up with a jump. “I can deal with that! I baked some just half an hour ago!”
Lyra’s ears perked up as she straightened her back. “Oh, thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome!” Pinkie opened a closet and buried her head inside. “So!” she said while in there, her voice muffled. “You’re freaking out.”
“I suppose so, yes.”
“Hah!” Pinkie took her head out of the closet, carrying a tray with muffins in her mouth. Once again Lyra wondered if she should help, but by the time she made a choice the tray was already on the table. “You’ve got a pretty good self-control, then! I can barely tell!”
“Well.” Lyra took a muffin, bit it, chewed politely, and swallowed. “I suspect it’s just that I was really fancying a blueberry muffin. Thank you so very much, Miss Pie, these are delicious.”
“Hahah! You’re welcome!”
Another small pause, as Lyra kept on chewing.
“Ssssssso.” Pinkie scratched the back of her neck. “You, uh, you want me to tell you what exactly happened, or…?”
“Oh, of course, of course!” Lyra’s head snapped back up as she put the muffin away. “My. How rude of me. I forgot for a second.”
“You forgot your metaphysical crisis?”
“This is a really good muffin, Miss Pie.”
“Huh.” Pinkie looked at Lyra, then at the muffin. She frowned a little.
Then she shrugged. “Makes sense to me! Anyway, so it all started twenty minutes ago or so, when you came in Sugarcube Corner yelling murder.”
“Yelling?” Lyra took a sip of tea. “My. I hope I didn’t come off as rude, Miss Pie.”
“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeell…”
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
“Welcome to Sugarcube Corner! What can I offer to y—”
“PUNCHYOUINTHEFACE!”
“Punch me in the wh—GNERGH!”
TONK.
“Not gonna lie? You could have been a little nicer.”
“Oh. II punched you?” Lyra blinked twice, so astounded she forgot to accompany her muffin bite with a sip of tea. “Goodness me, that’s preposterous. I surely didn’t hurt you, did I?”
“Hahah.” Pinkie smiled at her from the other side of the table. “Not at all!”
“Hahah.” Pinkie smiled at Lyra from the ground. “I’m in agony!”
Silence.
“Heheh, wow, I am bad at lying. Anyway, so that’s how it all started, right? But then it all got silly.”
“Such an unpredictable development, I must say.”
“Say, that really hurts, but it was a good joke!” Pinkie said, getting up. Her smile, sweet as sugar, was still there. “Especially the warning. That was really funny.”
“Hah.” Lyra grinned and raised a hoof. All her teeth were pointy. “There’s more from where it came fr—”
“Almost elegant!” Pinkie continued. “I like how you said it so fast I couldn’t understand it. Really inspired! Punchyouintheface!”
Lyra blinked, the grin faltering a little. “Uh. Thanks?” She lowered her hoof. “You know, that’s actually nice to hear! Not many ponies take the time to acknowledge a good joke when I try to beat them up. I mean, I get why that happens, sure, but it’s still a hard job, and some recognition is—GNERGH!”
TONK!
“Hah!” Pinkie’s smile turned into a grin—a minor but surprisingly important difference. “And the student,” she said, winking, “becomes the master.”
There was a small pause.
Lyra sighed. “Today is going to be one of those days, isn’t it.”
“That’s what my mother always says!” Pinkie chirped, and then she bounced away just in time to avoid Lyra grabbing her by the neck, and ran towards the kitchen laughing.
“Hmmm.” Lyra swallowed the last bit of her muffin and got another one—not before taking a proper sip this time, however. “I’m wondering if laughter is the right reaction when confronted with such hostility, Miss Pie.”
“Hey, if you’re going to do it anyway, at least have fun while you’re at it, right?” Pinkie giggled. “Plus, you probably meant well. I was sure we would have the best of times!”
“Oh. And we did?”
“You stormed inside the kitchen and threw a chair at the back of my neck.”
Lyra paused with the muffin mere inches from her mouth. She shot Pinkie the most dazzled of looks. “…A chair.”
“A chair!”
“And… And you thought that was fun?”
Pinkie lost her smile immediately. “A chair to my neck? Fun?” She rubbed the space between her eyes. “Seriously? Lyra, I’m cheery, but I’m not crazy.”
Lyra blinked. “Oh.”
“Yeah. That was pretty offensive.”
“My most deepest apologies, Miss Pie; I didn’t want to imply that—”
“It was cool, not fun.” Pinkie patted Lyra’s hoof. “You silly Lyra. Chairs are never fun!”
Somehow, Lyra managed to keep her expression completely neutral. “Of course.”
“So yeah, chair to the neck. Really cool! I thought I was going to die!”
And Pinkie fell to the ground like a statue being toppled over.
Both mares were in the kitchen now, and Lyra took a moment to properly appreciate the structure of room. The clouds had finally gone away from the sky, and warm sunlight came through the windows. One of them was open, and they could hear birds chirping outside through it. They were surrounded by cooking tools of all kinds and shapes, and the air smelled like sugar—
“Miss Pie,” Lyra said, leaning a little bit on the table, “We’ve been in this kitchen for over twenty minutes—there’s no need to describe it further.”
“Oh, right. Well then!” Pinkie pointed at the wall right behind her. “See that empty aisle?”
“Yes.”
“It was full of pots and pans! And there were four cakes on top of that one, right? And a gigantic blueberry muffin right next to the sink…”
Lyra turned her head towards the sink so fast she made a whiplash sound, eyes sparkling.
“…that we can’t eat now.”
The sparkling turned into dull indifference. “Gorblimey.”
“Also, that pile of splinters and nails in the corner?”
“Yes?”
“That was still a closet.”
“Fancy that.”
“And we weren’t sitting in here and there was no tea.” Pinkie crossed her front legs and gave Lyra a nod. “I think that’s all! So. Where were we?”
“I threw a chair at your neck.”
“Oh, right, yes, that.”
TONK!
“OGYA!”
“AH-HAH!” Lyra’s grin was ferocious. “RIGHT IN THE NECK!”
“Awawawawawaw!” Pinkie sat on the floor and rubbed the back of her neck, frowning at Lyra. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaw! That really hurt! You know, I think I might probably die, so—wait, why are you swinging your leg like tha—”
TONK!
Pinkie went flying.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
And hit the closet so hard she crashed through the closed doors.
CRASH!
“OH CELESTIA I’M IN AGONY!”
Then the closet toppled down, trapping her inside.
BAM!
And then, silence.
Lyra blew on her hoof to cool it down. It had been like punching a balloon full of sugar, but she had given it her all—maybe it was already over?
“Hey!” she said, taking a step towards the toppled closet. “You still conscious?”
No answer.
Carefully, Lyra approached the closet and poked it. Well, that closet did look pretty heavy, so maybe—
CRASH!
She had to jump away when the closet all but exploded right in front of her, splinters and nails flying everywhere, and from it came a pink blur with a—
KLONG!
Lyra toppled over her back, her legs perfectly still.
“Ah-hah!” Pinkie jumped out of what little remained of the closet. “I knew storing the shovel in the kitchen was going to pay off someday! And they called me cra—woah hey, I didn’t know pony faces could go flat like that!”
Lyra didn’t answer.
“I’m a little concerned about your horn, though. I mean, that can’t be healthy.”
”I’m going to kill you.”
“You’re going to try!”
And she sure did!
Both ponies had a small déjà vu as Lyra got up to choke Pinkie and Pinkie bounced away. It was a nice moment of symmetry, except for the fact that Lyra’s face was still perfectly flat. “Hahah!” Pinkie blew a raspberry at Lyra. “You can’t catch me!”
“I DON’T NEED TO!”
“You don’t wha—OH CELESTIA CHAIR FLYING AT MY FACE!”
BLAM!
Pinkie stood there, eyes closed, shoulders up. It took her a moment to realize she wasn’t feeling anything. “What?” She looked.
Bits of chair all around her, but Pinkie was spotless. She was still holding the shovel. She had swung it without thinking.
She blinked. “Hey, that’s pretty neat! Lyra, did you see th—CHAIR!”
BLAM!
“Wow.” Pinkie, still intact, smiled at Lyra. “This time I looked!”
“RAAAAAAAARGH!”
Another chair.
BLAM!
The remains of the closet.
BLAM!
All the pans and pots on the shelves.
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!
Pinkie batted them all away.
“Hah-hah!” Her grin was almost too big for her face as she twirled the shovel in her hooves. “Oh my gosh, can you believe ponies use this for digging?” She snorted. “Seriously, folks these days don’t know what—”
Splorch.
Silence.
Pinkie Pie’s face was completely covered in sugar, strawberries, and whipped cream.
Frrrrrrrrrlchof.
The whole thing slid down her face and fell to the floor.
Both mares looked at it.
Pinkie didn’t bother getting the stuff off her face. “Did… Did you just throw a cake to my face?”
“Uh.” Lyra looked at her hoof, then at the cake on the floor again. “Uuuuuuuh yes.”
“…Why would you throw a cake to my face.”
“I… honestly have no idea?” Lyra scratched her temple. Her face was back to normal. “I just… I don’t know, nothing else seemed to work, and I guess it looked kind of logical? Like, as a last resort? You know, when in doubt—”
“You wasted the cake!”
“Yes, yes, sorry. Kinda ruined the mood, too. Gosh. Let me just…” Lyra took the shovel from Pinkie’s hands and used it to get the rest of the cake from the floor and to the trashcan. “Awfully sorry, really.”
“You need to pay for it now!”
“Sure, sure. This is—ugh, I feel so embarrassed.” Lyra gave her a warm smile. “You’ll have to pay first, though.”
Pinkie blinked. “Me?”
“Yes.”
“Pay?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Lyra threw the shovel over away, and through the open window.
Silence.
Pinkie blinked again. “Ooooooooooooooh! I’m so screwed.”
“You so are.”
“And that’s when you grabbed me by the mane and smashed my head against the sink!” Pinkie said as Lyra took her third muffin.
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
“And then you did it again!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
“And then some more.”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
Lyra smiled. “Miss Pie, I think I understand what you—”
“No, no, no, this is important!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
“Seriously, Miss Pie, I don’t think this is—”
“We’re almost done, we’re almost done!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
CLANK!
“Ouch!”
Lyra stared at Pinkie. “Done?”
“One more!”
CLANK!
“Ouchie!”
“There, we’re done,” Pinkie said, and took a sip of tea. “Then you just looked at me with this funny face and said—”
“HOW THE HELL ARE YOU STILL ALIV—oh, hey.” Lyra looked to her left, where the most majestic, gigantic blueberry muffin she’d ever seen laid on top of a silver plate. “Blueberry. I have the strangest of cravings right now.”
“Hahah. I think I’m going to die.” Pinkie put a hoof on the faucet. “Hey, Lyra! Do you know how the water pressure in Sugarcube Corner is?”
Lyra blinked. “What?”
“Really high!” Pinkie said.
“What?”
Pinkie kicked the faucet off the wall.
PSSSSSHHHFFFFFFF!
“AAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
The sudden stream of water took Lyra away from Pinkie and slammed her against the wall.
BLAM!
“OH CELESTIA THAT HURT!”
Then the shelves on the wall fell on top of her.
CRASH!
Then, silence.
Pinkie rubbed her forehead and cut the water before looking at the pile of broken furniture that had been Lyra moments ago. “Ouchie,” she repeated. “Lyra? Are you conscious?”
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” Lyra punched the shelves away from her and got up, completely covered in splinters, her teeth pointier, her pupils almost invisible. “I AM GOING TO KILL YOU SO HARD YOU WILL—”
“Wanna call it a truce?” She took the giant blueberry muffin and balanced it on her right hoof. “Here! Peace offering!”
Silence again.
Lyra squinted. “Can I have the whole thing?”
“Sure! You still gotta pay for the cake you threw at my face, though. Open wide!”
Before she knew what was going on, Lyra had the entire muffin inside her mouth. She almost broke her jaw chewing it, but it was completely worth it. “Mmmmmmmmmf!”
Pinkie smiled at her. “Is it good? I made it myself!”
“Mfff dlffff-ffff!” Lyra swallowed. “Oh my gosh. It was delicious!” She gave Pinkie the most genuinely warm smile she had ever mustered. “Pinkie Pie, that was the best thing I’ve ever—wait a second.” She frowned. “Is that a shovel behind your b—”
KLONG!
Lyra toppled over, her legs perfectly still.
Pinkie looked at her perfectly flat face. She pondered for a second or two.
Then she raised the shovel again.
KLONG!
KLONG!
KLONGKLONGKLONGKLONGKLONGKLONGKLONGKLONGKLONGKL—
“Aaaand that’s why you can’t remember anything,” Pinkie finished as Lyra swallowed the last bit of the last muffin. “I knew having a second shovel under the sink was worth the trouble. I just knew it.”
“My. What an interesting tale, Miss Pie.” Lyra rubbed her forehead. “I certainly wouldn’t have expected such an explanation for this situation, I must say.”
“Well, what is life without surprises?” Pinkie giggled.
“So what are we going to do now, if I may be so bold?” Lyra asked. “For what I understood, I might as well be a criminal, Miss Pie—I attacked you without reason, right?”
“I think so! But that’s all old news, right? You’re nice now! That’s what matters!” Pinkie took her loyal shovel from under the table, even though—Lyra was fairly sure of that—it hadn’t been there a second ago. “And it’s all thanks to this beauty!”
“I can’t but thank you from the very bottom of my heart, Miss Pie,” Lyra said, nodding and looking at the shovel with reverence. “While I can’t understand all the details, I do believe I had darkness inside of me when I tried to attack you, and you helped me defeat my demons.” She bowed her head. “I owe you more than I can return.”
“Aaaaaaaw. There’s no reason to do that!” Pinkie said, twirling the shovel. “I just did what I always do in this kind of situation!”
“You got your head smashed against a sink, Miss Pie.”
“Not that different from a normal Saturday!” Pinkie arched an eyebrow. “Plus, seriously, I got to prove the whole shovel business was a good idea. That was awesome!”
“Your foresight certainly saved the day, yes,” Lyra said, then nodded at the shovel. “May I…?”
“Of course!” Pinkie handed it to Lyra, who took it with her magic. “You don’t even need to be careful. Those things are tough!”
“Hmmm-hm.” Lyra inspected the shovel and swung it up and down a little, testing its weight, its length. “I see. Miss Pie?”
“Yes?”
“Amnesia really doesn’t work that way.”
Silence.
Pinkie blinked. “It doesn’t?”
“No.”
“Really?”
“I just wanted to try more of your blueberry muffins,” Lyra explained, still looking at the shovel. “The big one was amazing. Seriously. Top notch.”
“Oh.” Pinkie Pie looked down and frowned a little. “Then you aren’t really…?”
“No.”
“Huh.”
More silence.
“Hah!” Pinkie gave her a tight-lipped smile. “Hahah. I’m so screwed.”
“You so are.”
KLONG!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Lyra watched Pinkie fly away through the open window, and into the sky, until she was just a dot lost in the distance.
Ting!
She grinned at the twinkle of light.
“Boy. She’s totally coming back to get me while I sleep.”
For a moment, I misread the tagged story as A Train, Full of Fire, on Orphans. I'm actually a bit disappointed now.
In any case, this was a glorious bit of insanity. Definitely going to need to read that story in time to appreciate the update.
3849427
Nah, nothing to do with the story -- aside from the character of Lyra, that is. You can see it as an expansion on how she acts and thinks, I suppose.
haha that was great
>lyra with pointy teeth
its
its calling to me
im gonna fucking draw itttt
Wat
I wish I could show you how big my smile was during the sink scene. It makes me happy to see Panka in pain.
3849528 It's very okay, knowing why it happens doesn't really help. Trust me.
Damn, I laughed so hard!
So hard that I actually wonder why it's a blog post and not an one-shot of some ... sort . well... dunno if this sentence have any sense, not that good with English. But... I mean that lots of stories on this site do not have this level of quality.
Well, as usual I'm totally impressed !
...Pinkie, were they, like, okay?
The whole time Lyra was speaking fancy, I kept imagining her doing it like Cheryl from Archer when she puts on "An Elegant Accent"
bro
1/10
Not enough "Lyra hurting Pinkie" scenes.
3849714
3850406
...Man, Pinkie is my favorite. This is so sad.
SO SAD.
It's like Kill Bill meets My Little Pony.
Why is this a blog entry and not just a story posted to your account? I would thumbs up and favorite this if it were.
Sure, there's no explanation for why Lyra's decided to kill Pinkie but it made me laugh enough not to care. Especially "Amnesia does not work that way." Plus, it's Pinkie, after that episode where she stalked and harassed that donkey, I'm surprised more people don't try to kill her.
...Yes I am late to the party. When I put something aside to read later, I read it later.
3849993
3856143
Originally, this was a story, part of it -- or at least an experiment of sorts? I wanted to learn how to write accion scenes. The excuse plot to let me move the entire thing forward was mostly Lyra beating up the M6 (for some idiotic artsy reason or whatever, this dealt with mythology and stuff), and each scene or chapter was completely different (AJ's relied on steady narration, Rarity's was a swordfight full of witty banter, inspired by -- but not written like -- The Princess Bride, Fluttershy's was a simple joke...)
It actually taught me a lot of stuff? But as it was literally me learning to do new things, there was a lot of trial and error. Most of what I wrote was unreadable (Applejack's scene in particular was horrible) so at around 8,000 words in or so I let it go and moved to different stuff. It's still somewhere in my hard drive, but it won't ever see the light of day, I think. I don't like posting unfinished stuff or scraps or whatever, it feels too masturbatory.
This scene, however -- where I played with written slapstick -- was probably my favorite of the bunch, and it's the only one I actually consider good enough to be seen. As it was never going to be posted anywhere else, I figured that what the hell, it can be a hefty blog post for when people are bored or whatever.
So yeah. That's the explanation, I suppose? Rarity's scene was also fairly good, so I used what I had learned from it to write Fly Hard. That story (and its huge-ass action scene, which is literally the entire second half of the fic, and also uses stuff I learned from Dash's and Twilight's scenes) could only happen because I spent a week or so writing nothing but fight scenes to teach myself how to do this.
I still don't quite have it, I think, but at least I learned a few tricks, and I'm confident enough to try it if the need arises again.
3857202
Well, the other scenes may not have worked out well but this one is capable of standing on its own as a short piece. The in media res start and the last line make it feel relatively complete.
3857202 Make sense. Thanks for the explanation, and for this three thousand word long bit of madness too. :)
3857202 Man, you work hard at your craft!