Story Reviews » Reviews! Round 73 · 5:27pm Dec 13th, 2015
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Professor Plum rolled into the psychiatric wing of the hospital on the heel of Belligerent Sock. The two rushed to the receptionist desk, where a harried nurse looked up from the papers spread before her. She looked up, and the recognition was instantaneous. She pointed down the hall.
“Third door on the left,” she said. They turned with naught but a nod and a quick ‘thank you,’ swinging wide of another nurse wheeling a patient through the corridor.
They stopped at the threshold, Sock taking the tentative first step through, elastic stretched to peer fully around the corner. Inside, the rest of the Angels sat in metal chairs that hugged the walls of the room. They stared at the floor, as if hoping it would provide answers to the questions in their heads. Except for Red Squirrel, who stood on his tippy toes to look through the large observation window dominating the far wall.
“We came as fast as we could,” Sock said, inching up to the nearest available seat.
“How’s he doing?” Plum asked on the tail-end of his statement, as if finishing his sentence. Elbows on knees, Ferret looked up, not bothering to raise her head from her adorable little paws. She gave them a half-hearted smile.
“Not too good.” Her eyes drifted to the window, her brow tensed in longing. “He hasn’t moved from the corner, and he won’t stop muttering to himself.”
Plum hoisted himself onto the chair beside Squirrel and peered in. As Ferret had said, Corejo rocked back and forth in the fetal position in the far corner of a padded room, arms strapped up tight in a straight jacket. There was a crazed look in his eye, like that of an animal beset by predators. His hair resembled a mop sent through a wood chipper, and he looked like he hadn’t bathed since the last review round. At least they let him keep his Luna cutie mark socks on.
“Oh, dear,” Plum said. “It’s looks worse than it sounded. What’s he mumbling?”
Ferret shrugged, then sighed. “Don’t know. They won’t let us in to talk to him. He won’t even respond to anything we say or do.” Plum waved his stem at Corejo to test her statement. Not even a twitch of recognition.
“Wait,” Sock said. “If he’s all strapped up in a padded room, then why is there a giant observation window made of glass?”
“For the exact same reason I could really go for some bacon right about now,” Squirrel said, hopping down from his chair for the door. At the threshold, he turned to the group. “Anyone want anything from the cafeteria?”
“Squirrel,” Pav Fiera said, looking up from his nail file, “we just ate like twenty minutes ago.”
“I’m not hungry… I just want some bacon. For, you know, uh, reasons...” He scampered off before anyone could ask why.
“I don’t understand,” CSquared said, a thousand-yard stare through the , her hair waving with the slightest shake of her head. “I thought it’d be fun. Just something to shake things up, you know?” She turned a sorrowful gaze to Burraku Pansa sitting beside him.
“It’s not your fault,” Burraku said, retracting his panther claws before giving him a reassuring pat on the back. “No one could have seen this happening.”
“Except, you know,” Plum said, “we totally could have. What did you think would happen, forcing him to do an all Sunset Shimmer round?”
CSquared’s mouth moved to form words, but the weight of her guilt pulled her jaw toward the floor. She leaned forward, palms outstretched. “I don’t know. I just…”
He collapsed his head into his hands, then into his knees. She bawled shamelessly. “I just thought it’d be fun…” Burraku silently, slowly, rubbed her back.
“You at least got the reviews done, right?” Sock asked. That earned him a stern glare from Ferret. She pointed to the chair on the other side of Burraku, where a manilla folder sat waiting.
He crossed the room, took up the folder, and leafed through the pages.
ROUND 73
Ten years after Twilight is crowned an alicorn princess, she is now the rightful ruler of Equestria. History repeats itself when she tasks her newly appointed student, Sunset Shimmer, to study the magic of friendship. But the road to redemption is a long and arduous one, and shutting yourself from others only makes it worse once they manage to break through. On top of that, something about all this appears to be bothering Sunset, and she herself cannot understand why.
But before Sunset confronts her inner demons and takes the first step towards the rest of her life, she must get to Ponyville first. On the train ride there, she meets an old friend.
There’s a lot to love about short slice of life fics. The main attraction I find in them is their relative brevity and the impact or insight a little glimpse into another’s world can shed light on our own. There’s no earth shattering revelation to be found here in Donuts and yet there’s much to love about it.
It’s a quiet scene. No grand entrance. No zany cartoon shenanigans. Just a quiet train ride and a quick conversation. It’s very much a slice of life, and it’s very much about life. Donut Joe and Sunset Shimmer used to know each other before she up and abandoned Equestria in search of power overwhelming. Here, fifteen-ish years after the fact, they reconnect for the first time, and there’s much going on in the undercurrents of the writing.
It’s a natural conversation, and it sails smoothly, building up to that final sentence that would be a crime to spoil. It gives perspective. It makes you think.
And that’s exactly what a good slice of life should do.
Sometimes we just wanna kick back with donuts and relax. Take it easy for a few minutes. For me, that’s the experience Of Donuts and Train Rides provided. The other three stories we’re looking at today all have something pretty cool that just make me think. “Oh, look at the cool story structure” or “Man, this world-building has me considering all sorts of possibilities” or “This is a pretty in-depth look at a character, and there’s a lot to take in.” This one doesn’t really have anything like that. And while that make it a little harder (for me) to review, it’s still a good story. It just serves a different role.
Of Donuts and Train Rides features Sunset Shimmer, and I mean, what more could you really want? But in all seriousness, there’s not too much more than that. There’s Sunset, there’s Donut Joe, there’s some reminiscing, and there’s some interesting hints scattered throughout, but none of that really took hold for me. But that almost felt like the goal of the story. Sure, there are some interesting things you could think about, but at the end of the day, it’s just a train ride through the country. So sit back, relax, and enjoy your donuts.
I have it on good authority that they taste like heaven.
STORY 2
Dune Goddess, by Prane
Princess Celestia is a proud mentor to an extraordinary filly.
That very filly has read all there was in the vast libraries of Canterlot, and is bored to death during lectures at the School for the Gifted Unicorns where she attends. She’s also destined to bear the Element of Magic, and one day, perhaps, even take Celestia’s place on the throne. She may have some rough edges, true, but Celestia is going to teach her the magic of friendship and the values that are important in life.
If only Sunset Shimmer could stop sabotaging her efforts wherever they go.
You like Filly Sunset Shimmer, right? Yeah, I think you do. You know you do. Oh, you didn’t? Well, too bad, now you do. Stockholm Syndrome is fun!
Dune Goddess features our favorite non-protégé in her role as protégé on a journey to Saddle Arabia, where they plan to meet with the head of a small village to discuss politics. But as luck would have it, a sandstorm blows in, and Celestia senses something unnatural about it. Upon arrival, the duo are informed that the sandstorms have been getting worse recently, and they take it upon themselves to seek out the mystery of what’s causing them.
There’s much Sunset characterization going on here, and I have to say it’s quite adorable in its own right. She plays well off Celestia’s tried and true poise, giving us a clever insight into just what she might have been like before the fallout of her tutelage.
The setup of their banter is formulaic (wisened mentor, snarky apprentice), but there’s a reason that setup is so common in storytelling, and Prane nails it. It offsets the progression of the piece, and its comedic relief fits snugly into the narrative.
It’s listed as an adventure piece, but I’d argue it feels more like a slice of life (the whole piece, not the each chapter), given how snapshotted the timeframe is. Adventure by context, Slice of Life by duration. Either way, you’re getting your bang for your buck reading this.
I have a secret. It’s a big one. Here, lean in close, and I’ll tell you.
Are you ready? Are you 100% certain that you’re ready?
...Okay. Here goes nothing: I love world-building.
There. It’s out in the open now. So with that out of the way, let’s talk about Dune Goddess.
Saddle Arabia seems like it could be a pretty cool place. Its real life equivalent is home to genies, 1001 Arabian Nights, algebra, and other pretty cool stuff. There’s a lot of opportunities there to build up a pretty cool culture.
Prane does exactly that. He takes Celestia and her young student, Sunset Shimmer, and sends them to a small Saddle Arabian town built on the outskirts of some old temple to expand Sunset’s educational opportunities (or as punishment, if you take Sunset’s point of view). And the best part is that he’s able to weave all of the economical details of inter-village trade, the religious views of the village, and other cool cultural tidbits into developing the relationship between Sunset and Celestia.
So when it turns out that Sunset and Celestia need to go off and investigate that old temple, the transition is pretty smooth, we know some cool stuff about the temple, and we have a pretty good handle on Sunset and Celestia’s relationship as student and teacher. And given that the whole story is under 10k words, this is a fairly impressive feat. Prane covered a lot of information in a small number of words, and it didn’t feel like things were happening too fast. It is worth mentioning that I tend to err on the side of stories move along too quickly, so everyone else might think this too slow, but I thought the pacing was just right.
And then there’s the super spoilery bit that closes out the temple investigation. I found it super fascinating, easily the part of the story I found most interesting, and yet it didn’t feel tacked on. I’ve it happen so often: An author gets this cool idea part way through their story, and they already have a lot going on, but this idea is super cool, so obviously they add it in, and it feels super tacked on and lame, just like this run-on sentence. But this cool idea felt like it was integrated into the story naturally thanks in part to some foreshadowing and hinting earlier on.
The personal diary of Sunset Shimmer: from the days prior to being chosen by Princess Celestia as her new prize student, to her ascension through the School for Gifted Unicorns, to her corruption and lust for power, to her escape to and conquest of Canterlot High School, to her attempts at atonement, and finally her redemption.
Sunset Shimmer’s diary? C, you know this isn’t a good idea to read this. What if she finds out? Oh, who am I kidding? Let’s dive in!
So as stated above, this is a diary story. We’ve featured a few that follow this structure to a tee, and this is no exception. It is the story of Sunset Shimmer’s growth (or devolution, better put) from her fledgling role as Celestia’s mentor and into her years attending Canterlot High in the human world, and subsequent climb thereafter.
Each entry serves to frame a state of mind, a series of dots that chain together this exquisite narrative. Half the fun of this story is keeping tab on the dates. It, like dates are wont to do, sets a timeframe that in this instance, I think, helps do exactly that more than other diary stories do.
If you’re hesitant (or you’re like me and absolutely love character destruction), read the first chapter. It can be read happily enough standalone as a Dark fic, or to whet your appetite for what’s to come if the formatting and writing tickle your fancy.
Whatever gets your giggles goin’, give this a gander. Got it?
I’ve always been a strong believer in the idea that the journey matters more than the destination. That originality is found not in new concepts, but in cool, maybe even new, combinations of concepts. So what if I know how the newest “Prophecy → Hero’s Journey → Fight Big Bad” story is going to end? It’s the getting there that’s interesting. It’s the characters and worlds we meet along the way that make it fresh.
So it turns out that it doesn’t matter that I already know how Sunset’s tutelage under Celestia ends. It turns out it doesn’t matter that I know what happens in Rainbow Rocks. In Diary of the Fallen Star, Piccolo Sky was able to take the events of the Equestria Girls movies (and also Sunset’s tutelage under Celestia), turn them into a diary written by Sunset, and still present new, interesting material.
That’s not to say it’s easy to just take existing material and slap it into a diary (or whatever you wanna slap it into) and call it a day. For a story like this to succeed, it’s important to understand what exactly your slap target brings to the table. A diary, for instance, provides a fairly unique look into a character’s mind. It’s able to provide a level of rationale and voice that a more standard book or movie simply cannot do.
And since I’m here talking about it, I think it should be obvious that Piccolo Sky succeeded in taking advantage of their slap target (>context). Diary of the Fallen Star went pretty deep into Sunset’s rationale from tutelage to movie to movie to movie while filling in some of the bits in between. It presented a character that’s pretty consistent with what we see in the movies, yet the presentation still felt fresh. It still felt new.
One warning before you run off to read this: If overused ellipses make your blood boil and mouth foam, then take some time to prepare yourself. That’s the only significant blemish on an otherwise excellent story.
Twilight passes back through the mirror, wanting help from Sunset Shimmer.
Who were we doing this round on again? Okay, okay, put away your pitch forks! Sheesh.
Here’s a bite-sized one for you, but a little deeper than the rest, written by none other than Hoof-ful of Dust. (You know, when we spotlight a guy like this this many times, you guys really need to take the hint and read his stuff. Seriously!)
What’s interesting about this fic is that almost nothing happens. There’s half a conversation. Not even a full one. But what Dust gets across in these 1.7k words of almost nothing but internal monologue packs quite the punch you wouldn’t expect.
Essentially, Twilight crosses back over to the human world to talk with Sunset Shimmer, and what we see in this little snippet of time is her concerns for the future—Sunset’s future—and what it all has to do with the mirror, the human world, and Celestia.
The sentiment here is worth its weight in gold, and at 1.7k words, that’s bite-sized enough for anyone to pop open and settle in for the feels.
Dialogue: (noun) A conversation between two or more people as a feature of a book, play, or movie.
In a written work specifically, all dialogue is generally structured the same way. Someone talks. Someone responds. There are dialogue tags and bits of narration describing further action scattered throughout. There’s more talking, more responding, more tagging, and more narrating. But when portions of that basic structure are removed, say the responding and the tagging, it’s interesting to see that what’s left provides quite a different experience.
Simple Minds A Hoof-ful of Dust takes full advantage of this situation in Don’t You (Forget About Me). The best comparison I can think of is that it’s kinda like observing one half of a phone call, except you’re observing from one person’s perspective and listening to the other. Sunset will say something, and Twilight, our first-person narrator, responds with narration. It’s a weird back-and-forth that leaves a lot out, like what Twilight verbally says, but those omissions allow for a unique opportunity for a character study. We know nothing about Sunset except what Twilight is able to observe and hear and what she chooses to spend time thinking about.
Saying it like that doesn’t sound very impressive until you realize what’s been stripped away from the construction of this story. She said, she shouted, she tapped her foot in rhythm to the beat. These are all things present in just about any written conversation, and they can work well for painting a picture in the reader’s head. But in a story with as specific a purpose as this, painting a general picture like that isn’t very important. We’re looking at the conversation through very specific eyes, and those eyes don’t necessarily focus on things that would be important for painting a general picture of what’s going on. And so portions of what you’d normally find in dialogue are stripped away to better represent that specific perspective.
Simple and complex minds alike can enjoy this short, uniquely-constructed piece.
“Well,” Sock said, closing the folder and looking up at the rest of the group. “It’s all here.”
“And so am I!” Red Squirrel bounded in from the hallway, bacon clenched between his teeth. “You wouldn’t believe how long that line was!” In a flash he was back on his chair, peering through the window, the grin painted on his face far toothier than any squirrel’s should be. He raised the strip of bacon above the window sill for Corejo to see.
Feel free to visit our group for more information and events, and to offer some recommendations for future rounds. See you all next time!
Through the what? Through the what?! You can't just leave us hanging like this!
Can confirm the Dune Goddess rec. Can also confirm the madness-inducing powers of best waifu. But mostly, can confirm happiness at another Seattle's Angels post.
Good to see Dune Goddess here. Great little fic.
Dune Goddess? Never heard of this one. Is it any good?
...
Jokes aside, kudos to Corejo and Csquared08 for considering my story worth reviewing!
Glad to see Hoof-ful of Dust in there. :)
So is our next round a House/medical parody?
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I don't know much about it, either. I heard there were a lot of typos?
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Typos? You mean those grains of coarse sand that were insignificant in the otherwise silky, soft sea of humor, adventure, and mystery? Yeah, they're probably mostly gone by now.
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I really hope that one of my stories gets on here, but given that self-promotion is not allowed for this series, and that almost none of my followers know about this, I think I'll just get back to writing normal stories.