Time To Face Reality (Angst Ahoy) · 6:28pm Jun 29th, 2015
I'm not sure why I'm even posting this. It's a release of some sort, I guess.
The truth is that my life is horrible right now. My job is ten times harder than it used to be. The dog is slowly driving my wife and I completely insane with her NEVER-FUCKING-ENDING health issues. My best friend's son was just born with health defects that will make him need care for the rest of his life. Two other groups of friends are going through terrible breakups. Both my grandmother and grandfather (different sides of the family) are dying. I could go on, but let's just assume you've gotten the point.
What it all boils down to is that this year has been a tsunami of terribleness that just seems to have no end in sight. One of the other issues is that I just do not have time for anything fun or creative. Anytime I try to sit down to write or draw or do some kind of music, a disaster of some variety happens. I can't ever relax, and I'm starting to crack. My performance at work has taken a nose dive. My relationship with my wife is strained. I never see any of my friends.
So things have to give, and this place is one of them. I've been angry at this site for a while. I'm sure it has to do with how angry I am inside, but every time I try to read someone's reviews, or go look through forum threads or read a story, I just feel like every little thing sets me off. I don't want to feel that way. I used to come to brony sites because of the relentless positivity of it all. I'm not sure if it's gone, or if I'm just that far on the negativity scale, but it's doing nothing but upsetting me now.
I'm fairly close to finishing a story. I'm going to try to get that out soon, and then I'll probably be gone. Hopefully just for a while, but maybe for good. What's the point of being here when it just winds me up? I don't have any good Cheerilee ideas. I'm not feeling funny. I don't want to write horrible, ugly stories because I feel horrible and ugly inside. I'm tired of feeling like I've really accomplished something when I manage to scrape together five fucking hundred words in a week.
Just a moment ago, I finished cleaning up the broken pieces of the mug that I just tossed at the wall. It's been a while since I felt totally out of control and that I had to break things and scream to get by. I'm getting there again, and that means that I need to step away and refocus myself. I want to say that I'll be back when that happens, but if not, I've tried my best to entertain you. I truly appreciate all the support and education you all have given to me. Good luck with your own stories.
See you, Space Cowboy.
-Internet hug-
All the best to you, jugger. I hope things clear up for you. If you ever need somebody to talk to, I'm usually on Skype and my metaphorical door is always open.
If you need a break, then by all means take one. I do hope you don't leave entirely, though. You have a lot of talent, and I'd hate to see pointless negativity on the site tarnish your quality of life.
If this is the last time we see each other, then all I can do is wish you well. Celestia-speed, mate.
Do what you gotta do man, your life and family come first. I'd rather never read about another terrible date for Cheerilee again if that is what it takes for you to be okay.
We'll all be hoping to see you again soon... but only if and when it's right for you to come back. Take care of yourself and yours, first and foremost; we'll be here whenever you're ready.
Hey man, you need a break then you need a break.
We'll be here for you in the meantime. Skype me later. I'm here for you.
Odd as it sounds, I suggest writing it. I like those kinds of stories.
It sounds like you should take a break due to stress, though--not due to writing apathy. Some things on this site are stressful or irritating, and having a stressful or irritating life outside of the site can make your sensitivity to such things here that much more acute.
I strongly suggest a long break. It sounds like it could be what's best for you right now. Find stress relieving activities to do as an alternative; this site doesn't relieve stress in most instances.
Take care of yourself, dude. Best of luck dealing with your tremendous stressors. Come back if and when you can. And if you need social support from--well, me at least, feel free to squint and not look at the reviews as you navigate to the PM window.
Sausage.
Do what you need.
But don't forget, you've got people here if you wanna chat with them.
Don't forget us.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Everybody else already said what I want to say.
From my experience, you're a cool guy and you don't deserve the shit life is throwing at you. I say let yourself be angry when it helps, and hopefully at some point things will get better and it'll stop helping. Other than that, what 3192183 and 3192370 said—if it's a choice between you being here and you being happy, I'd rather never read another word from you; but if there's any point when I can give some social support and help with the happy, I'll be here.
I had a day last summer where the anger just snuck up on me and got out of control, and for the first time in my life I had to hold myself back from punching holes in the wall. For a lot less reason. Point is, I hated that feeling, and I can imagine a slice of what you must be going through, and I really hope you/the people around you catch a break and find some peace.
I'm so so sorry dude. :( All I can give you is an x*HUG!*ernautx
Hope things get better for you.
So long, and thanks for all the fics.
What everyone else is saying. If you need to talk, you know where I am.
Well everyone else has already offered the emotional well wishes and such so I'll take care of whats left and offer the unsolicited advice.
1: Work, are you suffering any insomnia recently as a result of all this stress? Insomnia will wreck the shit out of your work performance to an extent that can be hard to appreciate for lots of people. Cut coffee and sugared beverages completely if you drink those and drink water, you'll feel like shit for a week as the caffeine addiction has its way with you but you'll see improvements after that.
2: Friends son, one thing to look into would be coordinating with your friends to set up some cash in trust for the kid. This might not pay the bills immediately but it could be a much needed source of support for him later in life. I dont have any experience with this personally but its a possibility to mention and explore, a banking institution might be able to point you to the process of setting up a trust fund.
3: Broken mug. You'd be surprised how cathartic physical activity like this can actually be for your mental health. Learning jiu jitsu really helped me forget a lot of hellish days when i was in highschool, the endorphins your body releases during physical activity are a great mood booster and on top of that you feel good about improving your health.
4: Writing, dont worry about writing for any specific community. Write whatever you feel like and if you find a community that appreciates your work, great. If you dont feel that way anymore about a community then fuck em, there's always other communities and forums who can appreciate your talents as an author.
Because you are allowed to define yourself as a writer, which means you can write whatever you want, whenever you want. Theres no reason you have to define yourself as that guy who writes cheerilees thousand, if you're only writing five hundred words a week feel free to explore and find something new to grab your muses interest.
Anyway, good luck and I hope that either things improve or you find time to try and have fun in spite of how shitty everything is.
If you ever come back, we'll be waiting. :( I really hope shit gets better for you, no one deserves that and I can't blame you for cracking.
Take care and my best wishes will go with you wherever you go. If you do reach a point at which you're happy enough that you feel it's right to return, then we'll be here. If not, then don't feel bad about it: your well-being is what matters most. Not that I've had as much interaction with you as some of these other guys, but when it's happened I've always appreciated it. Even if you do leave for good, that sort of thing won't leave me, and I suspect many others. You've done good here. Again, take care.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I hope things will get better for you.
If things settle down and you come back around fimfic, let us all know. We will have a giant internet party, Pinkie Pie style!
Real life is more important; I sincerely hope things improve. Definitely, take a break. Ponies will always be here if you ever feel up to coming back.
Best of luck, friend.
I really do hope you come back, but even if you don't, thank you. Your stories are among my absolute favorites on the site. If this is goodbye, then thank you so very much for the wonderful experience you've given us while you were here. So long, and thanks for all the memories!
I would humbly suggest you write those stories anyway, and not just because I hope this isn't the end. Go on, write the horrible, ugly stories. Let 'em out. It's cathartic, and much cheaper than smashing mugs. And, truth be told, I've found that the stories so many people refer to as "horrible and ugly" are often the stories I also see to be the most powerful, passionate, and truthful, as well as being stories that people often say they felt better after having written.
Whatever you decide in the future, I truly hope and pray for the best to come your way. Just like everyone else has said, I may be some random guy, but my metaphorical door is always open for everyone for any reason.
I'm sure I'm not the only one whose vote is take as long as you need. Nobody wants you here if you're going to be unhappy. focus on getting your life back together and then worry about other things. If you need someone to listen or mail you breakable things, I'm always about.
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3199791 Thanks for your kind words and support, everyone. I'm not gone yet, and I won't be until this next story comes out. After that, we will see. Some of that will probably ride on the story. I'd love to be able to say that a story's performance doesn't matter to me, but that just isn't true. It really gets me down if a story doesn't do any business, and I'm pretty sure a dark story about Adagio Dazzle isn't going to be widely read. We will see, though. The dog has stopped breaking for the time being, so that's been a big positive in the last few days. It helps my mood and perspective immensely. The other issues are still there, but at least the one that is most impactful to me in the immediate sense is under control for the time being.
Now if this story I'm writing would ever wrap up...
3211648 WRITING WRAP UP WRITING WRAP UP!
3211781
You get your butt back to his house and make him happy!
You moocher.
3211798 I live about 300 miles away from him. I am currently about 270 miles away from him.
3211817
I drove 900 miles over two days recently.
3213212 I'm a Lyft driver. I drive a thousand a week. Old hat.
3211648 And for what they didn't say... Because I'm so busy I don't have time to really indulge in this fandom the way I used to either, so I'm a week late, but...
I hate hearing things like this from people I've met and liked. BABSCon was great, and you helped throw an awesome meeting/party there with us. Remember things like that, not the drama that comes on a stupid internet site. The net IS drama, because the barrier to entry is so low. It's easy to bitch and whine and complain, and so people do. The good stuff... that's harder. That's sad, but true. However, it doesn't mean it's not there as well. It's just not as vocal.
For me, I always try to imagine the "silent majority" as actually being physically present. Online, sure, I get some positive comments, but a fair number of negative as well. But then I step back, and imagine it as a stage show. I'm up there, doing my thing, and there are thousands of people in the crowd. Yeah, a few yell bad things, but... most the rest of the people are enjoying it just fine. They don't speak up though, they just whisper to each other about that rude guy in the front. It sounds like nothing but hecklers, but it's just that most of those enjoying it don't say so.
"But they should" you might think... yeah, but... that's how THEY keep from getting involved in drama. They just come, enjoy the stories, and go. The second they start fighting the trolls, they get stressed out, and there's just no impetus for them to take on that burden. Yes, we should all stand up for what's right but, that's not how the world works.
Anyway, my point is to say don't give up things in large chunks. If drama on the site is a problem, then... just ignore that. Break the habit of feeling you need to respond. Ignore the shit and take only the positive parts to heart. Enjoy a story? Say so, and enjoy it! Someone posted a stupid comment? Just (thank you Disney) "Let it go!" :-P
Yeah, I know, silly, stupid, dumb, cliche, and "duh", but... come on man, we're in a show about magic talking horses and the magic of friendship. If ever there was a time to take that silly, stupid, dumb cliche to heart, it's here.
Regardless of what you do though, know that your efforts (and yourself) were appreciated by at least some of us. Like last week's episode showed us, you may have had more friends than you realized.
3230767 Thanks, man! I'm feeling somewhat better these days, though my dog may be broken again. Something's wrong with her leg, but it might be dog growing pains. It happens to large breeds pretty regularly between six and eighteen months. Hopefully that's the issue. It's it's something serious, I may have an aneurism.
I don't really know what to think about this site nowadays. I think there's kind of a trend going on that just isn't well-suited for my tastes. If you look at the site states, overall submissions are going down, but mature submissions are going up. Of course, mature doesn't necessarily mean mindless gore and clop, but those are big subsets of mature around here. So I see plenty of people work really hard on stories that get little attention because the mass readership is just too busy reading about Spike boning Rarity for the thirty-eighth time this week. It leaves me wondering what I'm still writing here.
It's probably something that will pass, though. If the rest of my life wasn't so irritating right now, it wouldn't even be a thing, but this used to be my stress relief place. The fact that it's pissing me off now just takes away one of my recreational outlets.
3235354 I hear ya... and that happens to just about everything I ever care about. The plebes get in, the core values that made a place special feel like they're being eroded, etc. I mean, look what just happened with reddit and the whole fiasco there. It's just part and parcel of the fandom experience, for pretty much any fandom. I try not to look at the stats. But if I do, I remember Sturgeon's law: "Sure it's mostly crap, but 90% of EVERYTHING is crap." Or, in more eloquent terms from Sturgeon himself...
Just substitute "pony" for "science fiction" in the above, and hopefully that explains my continued optimism for things.
That said, it still sucks when you can't enjoy an outlet like you used to. My advice, and the way I tend to avoid most drama here, is simply don't look at that stuff. I get my story recommendations mostly from following people I like. If Skywriter puts out a new story, I know I'm not going to be disappointed. When Horizon recommends a fic, I know I'm in for a treat. Yes, I'm basically making my own little walled garden, but with my limited time, I can't wade through the muck to find the gold myself, so I let other people play gatekeeper for me, and for the most part, it works. I still find good stories every where here that I really enjoy, and the deepest I delve into drama is posts like this, where they're from someone I've met and know, complaining about real things... not just the standard bitch-and-moan fest about trivial crap.
All that aside, my best wishes to your dog (and the rest.) It's tough to see a pet in pain. Here's to hoping it's just growing pains!
3230767
3235667 Thanks for the upbeat attitude. :)