Secrets of the Magic Crystal: What Never Should Have Been · 6:29pm Jul 23rd, 2012
Okay, brace yourselves for a long one.
~
So, you may have heard of Secret of the Magical Crystals. It's apparently making the rounds as a joke gift because it's a horse management sim. And... you know. We like ponies. So naturally, this is the game for us, right?
No.
No it is not.
Secret of the Magical Crystals is not a game for anybody. It is not for bronies, it is not for adults, it is not for children. It is, perhaps, a game for lobotomy victims. But that's probably a stretch.
After some fucker in #fimfiction linked it (I can't remember who you are, but I swear to God I will find out and I will end you), I decided why the hell not. I'm a sucker for a management sim, no matter how bad, and this one has ponies(horses)! It also promises, according to the frankly thrilling trailer, unicorns, pegasi, and DEMON HORSES. So I gave it a shot.
This is my story.
~~~~~
This is what I was greeted with at first. Okay, promising start. Pre-loader, graphics options, though "Fantastic" seems perhaps optimistic considering the trailer. I reckon my computer can handle the onslaught of high-definition equine action this game promises, so Fantastic it is! With my graphics duly set and my hopes ever-so-faintly raised, I click the effusively-labeled "Play!"
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Why, thank you for telling me.
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Why is America even there when you consider those languages? I mean, if you're going by the amount of screen-space taken, this game is most popular in the ATLANTIC OCEAN.
There is a brief story segment that I was far too lazy to screencap that illustrated the intricate, multi-layered plot that the game's horse-breeding larks revolve around. A meteor passes near the Earth, dropping two magical crystals (which will never be seen again after this intro). An old man (who will never be seen again after this intro) finds them and, through dubious circumstances, discovers they have an interesting effect on horses - they make them MAGICAL. However, his cries of "I have found two glowy stones that make unicorns!" go sadly unheeded by the stuffy and close-minded academic community and he is shunned, a laughing stock. In a fit of angst and bad judgement, he bequeaths his powerful, hitherto-unimaginable magical artifacts to his grandchildren (who will never be seen again after the character select screen) so they can raise pretty horsies.
EDIT: I have since looked at the achievements and to my IMMENSE surprise, it appears that there may in fact be a plot. I shit you not. Further developments await.
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These are his grandchildren.
I'm feeling delicate, so I choose little Greta on the left rather than Creepyface McTiny over there, who frankly looks like he's some kind of evil dwarf prince. I don't want him near my ponies. I don't want him near my anything.
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And here it is, my farm. The gold count is inaccurate because I'm cheating and using screens from halfway through my playthrough because I only realised how the world needed to see this after playing it for a fucking hour. I have 500 gold, a single foal, and a pocketful of dreams. Let's do this.
Okay, here's the explainy part.
a. Top left is the Barn, where I brew potions (read: performance-enhancing drugs) with which to improve my ponies' stats temporarily, in order for my barely-a-teenager avatar to fix professional races. It also allows you to create medicine in case your pones get sick, which is caused by attempting quests while tired.
b. Top centre is the Blacksmith, in which I can forge magical horseshoes for my future demon-horses. This game sounds better by the fucking minute.
c. In the centre is the Well, which increases the amount of horses I can have in my stable by one every time it's upgraded. More water = more horses. That's an economy. MANAGEMENT SIM.
d. On the right we have the aforementioned Stable, where my ponies will eat, sleep, be brushed, and fuck. There will be a considerably higher ratio of two of these things, and I will let you decide which they are. You can also buy things here, but if you ever do you are an idiot.
e. Below the Stable is the Corral, where I will train my pones to improve their stats so they can do better in races and Quests.
f. Last, on the bottom-left, is the Gate, through which the races and such are accessed. More on that later.
You can upgrade all these structures multiple times for 200 gold a pop. Upgrades generally just make whatever the structure does better.
My farm duly explored, I immediately upgrade the Well because fuck yeah, more horses. On a whim, I also upgrade the Corral because I not only want multiple horses, I want a group of horses that, hopefully, will embody a set of strengths that, together, will be greater than the sum of their parts in a HARMONIOUS combination of differing ELEMENTS.
Now that the maintenance is out of the way, I decide to actually listen to the tutorial and enter the Stable to brush my horse because this is apparently important somehow. I am greeted by a foal of breathtaking ugliness, whose likeness I unfortunately did not capture. You are probably better off, if I'm honest.
I can still see it when I close my eyes.
I am reliably informed by the tutorial that I must use the brush for the body, the sponge for the head, and the hoof-brush for the hooves. I decide that I'm a progressive, forward-thinking, maverick 9-year-old horse-breeder, not confined by the narrow-minded statutes of The Man, and vigorously apply the hoof-brush to my foal's head. I am rewarded for my rebelliousness when my tiny foal immediately TRANSFORMS INTO A FUCKING UNICORN.
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Yes, mortals. Look upon Ardleigh and despair, for she is your doom. Ugly as sin, but we can't help the way we're brushed. Born. Whatever. Now that the first member of my Elements is ready, I decide she needs renaming. She's a unicorn, but that colour scheme is just too perfect, so AJ it is.
It is at this point I discover that you cannot rename horses in Secret of the Magic Crystals.
After I've finished screaming, I start to plan. I have a group of friends to incestuously breed, and it's going to take both time and moolah.
Mainly time.
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As mentioned, horses have stats that are raised by training in the Corral. Once they hit maximum, the horse is eligible for breeding. So it's like chocobo breeding, but with less... okay, with exactly the same amount of incest. Genetics are unimportant when there are MAGIC CRYSTALS INVOLVED. So what I need is to get this little bugger's stats to max, find her a partner, breed them, and repeat until I have six pones, all the while racing them and doing quests to collect the cash necessary to upgrade my Well and Stable sufficiently to hold them. If I'm lucky, those pones will be the right species.
SPOILERS: I will not be lucky.
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I trundle Adleighjack over to the Corral and gather my shit. Training tires your horse out (the blue bar on the middle bottom) and you must either let their stamina regenerate or take them back to the Stable to eat and drink. So, the pattern runs a. train twice, b. go back to Stable to eat, c. repeat until stats are max.
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AJ is my first horse and I want to treat her right, so I immediately tie a bunch of rocks to her neck and tell her to pull them.
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This is where the meat of SotMC's "gameplay" lies, and it's very simple. AJ pulls the stones, and every now and then an arrow appears. You press that direction on the arrow keys, rhythm game-style and... that's it.
That's every game. There are four training exercises, each of which involves this arrow thing.
Did I mention it takes about 8 training sessions to raise a horse to max stats?
Did I mention each session moves like a snail that's really lost interest, taking up to a minute?
Fffffffffffffffffff.
Ten minutes of rock-pulling, log-jumping, and striking dressage - so riveting that to recount it fully would make your brain dribble out of your ears- later, AJ is a mighty mare that, if those lovely 100s in her stats are anything to go by, could stand up to anything up to and including The Incredible Hulk. It's time to breed.
Wait, how do I breed.
There are no other horses, and I don't seem to be able to buy any.
Twenty fucking minutes of clicking every single option I could possibly discover except the one that actually does anything, I realise that you have to go to the empty stable room, open the shop, then click on the spot on the ground where your horse would be standing if it existed.
UI OF THE YEAR.
I'm scrolling through the foals for sale, but none of the descriptions catch my eye... but then I see it. Can it... can it be true?
"This breed is known for its unparalleled grace and beauty."
I've found my Rarity.
Clutching at the mouse with Cheeto-smeared fingers and breathing deeply through my alcohol-clogged beard, I manage to hock the words "best pony" from my phlegmish throat. Sweating profusely with excitement, I click Buy.
Foals cost 300 gold, and I only have 100 left after my renovations.
Ffffffffffffffff.
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It's time for some RACES. I head to the Gate. Ardleighjack looks into my eyes (and yours) with trepidation. Is she ready? She's trained, and in numerical terms is more than a match in a fistfight for Galactus, but is she truly ready? I stroke her mane gently and lean close, whispering gently "The fuck you are, but if you botch this, you're glue."
My beloved pet duly comforted, I pack her off to the races. Races are...
Races are...
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This is a race. You get a series of panels like this updating once per few seconds for a full minute. Then your horse comes back tired and you win between 30 and 50 gold. Also a trophy.
... I need a fucking cup of tea.
Four races (including return trips to the stable for eats) later, and I'm up to the 300 necessary. I gallop eagerly back to the shop on AJ, whooping and hollering like the cowpoke I'm feverishly pretending she is. I'm aware that I'm writing this as if I'm both playing the game and present in it, but fuck you it's my LP and I'll do what I like.
I get back to the shop and eagerly open it. The foal selection is random, it seems, but luck is on my side and the "grace and beauty" description is still there. Best pony will be mine, and mine alone. I buy the foal.
The foal appears, speciesless. It appears you don't what species a pone is going to be until it's an adult. Science.
The timer counts down until the foal magically transforms into its mature form or, as I have deemed it, "evolves." My finger hovers over B, but I don't want to cancel this.
The moment arrives, and in a flash of light, the second Element is born. Behold, my friends, the Element of Generosity...
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Huh.
Well, at least Altmannty is the right species.
Success(?) seeming closer than ever, I rush Altmannty through her training, boosting her stats to AJ's mythological levels and producing a pony capable of bench-pressing Mjolnir without breaking a sweat, ready to take on whatever challenges the world can throw at her. That's when I realise.
Two ponies.
Two max-stat ponies.
Oh fuck.
It's breeding time.
I rush to the stable, trousers straining at the seams. Steamy pony sex is only clicks away. My ponies' Spirits (the red bar in the bottom middle of previous screenshots) are low for some reason known only to whatever god-forsaken gremlin created this game, so I brush feverishly to raise it, desperate to bring them to sexy, sexy readiness.
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Altmannty senses my intentions as I caress her with the sponge and my eyes, and turns away in shame.
At last they are ready, primed for the act.
My hand trembles over the mouse.
Ardleighjack and Altmannty exchange fearful glances.
I click.
"You need another room in your stable for the foal."
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
More fucking racing later and I have a third room in the Stable. It's time.
IT'S TIME.
I click the Breed button and pair AJ and Altmannty. There is a flash of magical light and a foal appears.
That's it.
My hopes for sticky equine eroticism quashed, I check out the foal. Hmm. It's a different colour than the last two. Both AJ and Aty were a kind of browny-orange as foals, but this one is a dark grey. Could it be... could it be pony genetics as expressed in show is in play in SotMC?
I pray for a demon horse.
The timer counts down.
I realise I'm utilising one-line suspense too much.
There is a flash of light.
The third Element of Harmony, born of the first two, is revealed. Is it pegasus? Demon? The cool-looking ice-horse from the loading screen?
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You've got to be fucking kidding me.
~~~~~
With the birth of Twilight Biankol, I quit the game, weeping, and gift it to Obselescence because I'll be damned if only I have to suffer. The quest for the Elements will continue another day.
EDIT: And continue, in fact, it did.
This virus is spreading...
For once, I'm glad that I don't have Steam so that this type of devilry won't infect my senses. I got enough of breading chocobos from FFVII to know never to delve into those archaic practices again.
Oh, look! Dragon Quest Monsters Joker 2! Don't mind if I do...
Also, you and Obselescence need to find a way to ship your horses. The wuv would be glorious.
I dunno, my getting killed by poisonous terrain AFTER beating the final boss, while IMMEDIATELY NEXT TO the "you win when you touch this chest" chest in Binding of Isaac might be a more aggravating gaming experience from today.
But it doesn't have ponies in it.
... I concede the point.
Weird, I was just about to buy this game in five minutes or so. Thanks for the tip, not gonna get it now!
"Clutching at the mouse with Cheeto-smeared fingers and breathing deeply through my alcohol-clogged beard, I manage to hock the words "best pony" from my phlegmish throat. Sweating profusely with excitement, I click Buy."
This. Oh my god.
Wow...just wow.
I think there may be something wrong with me, because I have the sudden and overwhelming urge to play this game.
I am reminded of monster rancher, just made more boring.
By the gods... I only have one thing to say about this monstrosity.
..........
..........
Your desktop background is f*cking awesome. That is all.
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
The loot drops could not have possibly been this bad... right?
That was hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.
I had flashbacks to this awesome site I used to frequent for my lols.
This is one of the greatest reviews I have ever read.
I was laughing madly by the end, and it was somehow even funnier to read the first lines of Obselescence's post
It's all well and good calling poor Creepyface McTiny names, but have you looked at Greta? I mean, really, truly looked at her?! That grin on her face, like she knows something you don't? The way her eyes are sliiiighty too far apart, so that you can sense that something's wrong with them but you can't quite put your finger on what? The way she seems to be peering right into the very depths of your soul so she can steal your deepest, darkest secrets?
And oh God, those massive hands hanging off those twig like arms! How does she even have the strength to lift those beasts up?! I want to cover my eyes in horror, but they're kind of mind-boggling to look at. And why's she wearing a wig made from highly varnished wood? What's she trying to hide? Is she just bald? Or does she have a pair of horns she's trying to conceal? I bet it's horns. I bet my life it's horns.
*Shudders*
Fake and gay.
244451 "Also, you and Obselescence need to find a way to ship your horses." Yesssssssss.
244981 They are PRETTY BAD. I don't think Norse has gotten a rifle in, like, ten hours.
245094 I'm a fan of Let's Play Archive myself. I mean, okay, occasionally you'll hit an LP that's just goonjoke after goonjoke, but there's some quality stuff in there.
245266 Greta is the lesser of two evils. She's the Sansa to Creepyface McTiny's Joffrey.
245429 no u =(
Oh, I was right. The gift was intended as an act of malice. Good to know.
We really need a way to fave blog posts. Seriously, someone get knighty on this.