Open Letter to the Mall that Kicked Me Out Today. Based On Real Events. · 11:00pm Mar 29th, 2015
Okay, no.
Like, just. Just no.
Not apologizing here.
I mean, to be honest? That is partially my sister’s fault. So if you wanna get an apology, you talk to her. You’re not getting anything from this guy. If I did what I did, I did it because I’m human.
I mean, seriously! You gotta put yourself in my place, man. If I see a bookstore while walking through the city, I’m going to get inside. I buy a lot of books. And even if I don’t buy books every day, I sure love looking at them. That’s how you discover new things. I read all day.
So yeah. Bookstore in my way? I’mma get in. And my sister said “sure let’s go in there” so in there we went. Your fault for having a bookstore, god dammit.
And we were there, right? And I was looking at books. This is a second-hand-bookstore we’re talking about, so I’m expecting to see rare, old books. Immanuel Kant, that was nice. Some Kafka, I liked that. Borges? Great. Schopenhauer? All night long. Zafón, Asimov, Clarke, Murakami, Hesse, a lot of Updike. Yeah, that’s great. That’s my thing.
And then I see that book. “Kama Sutra”. No way I’m not going to say “Hey, sis! Look what I’ve found!” after seeing that. Again—if you wanna blame me, blame the store or my sister or whatever. I merely pointed and smiled.
So my sister went there and said “Huh. Wait, there’s something weird.” She points at how the book is not illustrated. As in, it doesn’t say “illustrated edition”, which is downright bizarre because both you and I know why people buy that book. It’s not for the plot, mate.
So she gets it, and skims through it. And smiles and says she’s gonna buy it.
All in good fun, all right. She tells me it’s actually pretty interesting, and way more fun than expected.
And the store guy says that yeah, it’s a book with a very bad reputation, but it’s not that bad as literature. An interesting read, at least.
I want to make clear, once more, that I had absolutely no lewd purpose whatsoever when I did what I did. I mean, god dammit, the bookstore guy himself said it was a nice book. And I couldn’t care less about sex. I personally find it pretty boring. So yeah.
So we buy the book, and my sister is clearly doing it as a joke, kind of. And then we go buy clothes.
And, look, if I don’t have my phone with me, what do you want me to do? I was helping my sis buying clothes, and that is not as boring as it sounds because my sister is really fun. But once she starts trying on her soon-to-be-new clothes, then I’m gonna get bored. And if I’m carrying a book with me, I’m going to start reading it.
Hell, that’s just common sense, people.
Now, look me in the eye, and tell me that, if you open a book and the very first thing you see is an explanation on how to correctly bite a titty, your first reaction is not to immediately start narrating everything in your best Vincent Price voice. Try to tell me that, and I won’t fucking believe you, because of course you would.
I mean, for starters, my sister was trying those clothes at the other side of the door, so there was no other way for me to show her what I was reading. I was just being polite. And I believed (and I still do) that “how to correctly bite a titty” is information the world deserves to know. That was some civic duty shit I was doing, right there.
Now, this could have been the end of it. Let me Vincent Price some good ol’ boobgnawing, and bam, we’re done. But then the grandma happened.
Like, just imagine it. There I am, explaining the difference between a half-moon bite and a coral-and-pearls bite, and how to correctly do that while having sex, and this old woman eyes at me. We’re talking, what? Sixty-five, seventy? She wasn’t that old. I mostly refer to her as “grandma” because I don’t like her. And she glares at me hard.
We’re talking fucking killer looks, here. And then I think, okay, there’s some serious shit going on in here. This woman wants to murder me. Why? I’m not doing anything bad. And then, as I end the chapter and continue with how to properly scratch your lover, I realize it.
She has kids. You can see a woman has kids when you look in her eyes and she’s dead inside. If she has kids, she had sex. So she already know everything I’m talking about. I’m just repeating old knowledge to her.
And she doesn’t want me to spill the beans.
My mind is racing right now. Maybe she’s a coitus spy. Maybe she wants to make sure nobody knows how to have sex. That would end the human race, because if nobody has sex, there are no children. This woman is a monster. She wants to end humanity.
Then she huffs and says something like “pervert”. I have no idea what she meant, it was probably code. I figured I didn’t have much time.
This is when I started to scream, by the way. I’m going to admit right away that my Vincent Price is not that good, so I just started screaming like a pig in the slaughterhouse. I also changed chapters, because holy shit, I’ve been reading about the erotic potential of your fingernails for way too much. If they’re going to stop me, better go to the hot stuff.
I go to the chapter that explains what a woman has to do during sex. Perfect, I think. This store is full of women—they’ll need this information. I’m willing to sacrifice myself and never learn what a man has to do during sex, as long as the people around me have a chance to survive. I’m a hero. I should be laureled as such.
So there I go! How to properly push, what to say to your lover to get things steamy. What to do if the man finishes too soon. I start making silly voices as I read because, well, what I’m reading is pretty funny. I hear my sis talking at the other side of the door—she’s either laughing or screaming. Who cares, I think. This is for mankind.
The woman goes away. HAH! I think as I start another random chapter—how to get money out of your lover—I’VE WON! TAKE THAT, SEX SPY! YOU’LL NEVER GET ME!
Then the security guy comes in.
Now, in hindsight, maybe I should have stopped reading at this point. But, in my defense, the thing was pretty funny. And the security guy seemed to like it, too. I just wanted to acknowledge that fact. However, I was starting a paragraph on how eunuchs are supposed to do the horizontal dance, so maybe winking at him was misread as a suggestive gesture. For that, I guess I will apologize, if begrudgingly.
Then my sister came out of the door, clothes in her hands. Turns out I was right—she was both laughing and screaming at me.
Now, I guess I should end the story here. Mostly because you know what happened—the security guy kicked me out, and apparently I’m not welcome there for a while. I see now that you were part of the conspiracy. You all want to kill humanity.
I won’t apologize for thwarting your plans. The people in the store know more than they knew before now. And most of them were laughing. Of happiness, I reckon. Because I defeated you.
So fuck you, I’m not apologizing. And that grandma who called the security guy was a party pooper, just as that random girl said. I did a service to my race and my country, and I’m proud of that.
If you don’t want to know how to bite a titty, then it’s your loss. But people deserve to know. I’ll never apologize for trying to make the people around me a little wiser.
That said, my sister doesn’t let me read the Kama Sutra anymore.
To answer the question you all want to ask: Irregular bites. You gotta leave uneven marks on the titty.
This amuses me.
Fighting the good fight
fuckin lol'ed, thank you aaragon for once again making me laugh :)
Your sister really should've just brought Captain Steel DickPuncher.
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This is information I didn't know I needed.
Oh, the story was amusing too, I guess.
I hate the fact that you cannot favorite blogs in this site.
You beautiful man, you.
And your sister chose to finish trying out her dresses over helping you stop this? She clearly needs to get her priorities straight.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! 12.45am here and having to bite my pillow to stop me from laughing out loud!
Sometimes I'm glad I can't sleep.
Man, I really wish I read more. There are no bookstores in my city, and only one in the neighboring one, in a mall. Even then, it has a pretty small collection. Same goes with the libraries.
I got kicked out of a store in a mall, once. I was trying to avoid some people, and naturally I hid in a Abercrombie and Fitch store. It was really dark, and it had some nice chairs and sofas and stuff for I guess for the people accompanying their partners. After about a minute, the store employee told me not to loiter there and told me to leave.
Of course the people I was trying to avoid were buying chocolate at the candy store across from us.
Alright, I will throw you a bone. What is Updike?
They should have taken away your library card.
2922439
Well, at least you can do this
fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/357/9/7/hoof_up_by_comeha-d6z0jqb.png?wrap=true
Also, I read this aloud to my mother and she loved it. She laughed every time I said the word "titty".
2922373 Thank you. I was afraid that I was going to have to buy that book to answer my undying curiosity.
2922451
I think she has her priorities in just the right order.
This is Aragon we're talking about here after all.
I love these blogs. They always make me smile.
I feel your pain man. Scaring the old woman away by refusing to withhold information. I respect that. It's a shame that you couldn't find the right verse to chase Paul Blart away.
I think you mean "bookstore" instead of "Library."
Dude!!! What the hell!!!
:rainbow huh:This is honestly the weirdest thing ever.
2922765
As a public service to this public service, I will now go through every word Aragon fucked up.
You fucked up Aragon.
Library? Second hand bookstore. You twit.
"very bad fame" should be reputation. Or infamous. This is wrong and you're wrong and you should be ashamed but you have no shame.
"But once she starts trying her new-to-be clothes, then I’m gonna get bored" Trying on. Trying them would be frustrating them. But that's not the only one, oh no. New-to-be clothes? Soon-to-be-new clothes would work here. New-to-be doesn't mean they're about to be hers. It means they're about to magically become clothes when they were something else before. Damn it, you grubby Mexican.
Nothing wrong here. I just wanted to point out how right you got this. It makes everything you got wrong look that much worse being next to this though. You know, by comparison.
"That was some civil duty shit I was doing, right there." Civic duty. Civic duty. I'm officially ashamed to be associated with you.
Nothing else. I just needed to pretend to be angry because otherwise there was a very, very real possibility that I was going to die from laughter. This was done purely in self-defense, I swear!
Your actions were inappropriate; I would have removed you as well.
2923266
Please can I add to the list of fucked up words because to be honest it's annoying me.
'If you don’t want to know how to bite a titty, then it’s your lost.'
Lost should be loss.
Sorry Aragon but Numbers started it...
And I'm quite surprised he fucked up by not noticing that one.
2923718
2923266
JOKE'S ON YOU, GUYS. I CAN'T ASK A PROOFREADER TO LOOK THROUGH MY BLOGS BEFORE POSTING, SO YOU EFFECTIVELY MADE MY LIFE EASIER.
HAH!
In all seriousness -- yeah, Spaniard here, yaddah yaddah, you know the drill.
2923401
I fought for freedom.
2922393
Oh, yeah. This happened to me, almost to the very last detail (for clarity's sake some events are simplified) two hours before posting the blog.
That's why I mention it's based on real events -- most of my narrative blogs are in-character, and obviously fiction. This is not. This is something that happened. This is who I am.
2922373
It honestly hadn't occurred to me to ask that question.
Though your answer does raise another question; isn't biting regularly just chewing, or worse, masticating?
Is there any way to like and favourite a blogpost? Cause damn this is funny!
2923755
Happy to be of service then...I think.
Couldn't you just type your blog on a word doc first, then it could be proofread BEFORE you posted it?????
Just a thought...I really should be writing an essay right now...
Toodle pip
Holy shit, man. This... this is just brilliant! You are the very definition of the worst human being, and you shouldn't be allowed to breed. Why can't more people be like you?!
2923913
Oh, you sure were of service. I was just saying "thanks" in an edgy way. I'm so good at this. Anyway, thanks for pointing out that mistake.
And sure, I write my blogs in a MSWord file before posting them. But, let's be serious -- have you seen my blog posts? I won't insult the dignity of my proofreaders asking them to edit that. Their time is more valuable than a 2k ramble on the subject of my adventures in the city, I think.
2923806
I thought the same (although I had a long-ass conversation with a friend on that subject, which was surprisingly informative), hence my absolute awe at (and consequent narration of) that particular section of the book.
2924018
Being a newbie to the world of Aragon I have only perused a couple of your wondrous blog posts, but yes that is a very true point indeed!
And to be honest, it's quite fun to pick up on the fucked up words
So in fact, you have been a service to me.
And I still should be writing an essay....
Tally ho!
2923266
Imma leave this here.
With anyone else, I'd think this was just a joke. But with you... I could totally see this happening.
Aragon,
For some bizarre reason I keep thinking about this blog post and every time I do I think of the word 'Titty' and then I chuckle out loud to myself and people look at me funny because to them there is nothing there to chuckle about...
So thank you for creating random bouts of chuckling that make me appear even more loopy than I normally am.
Actually, I would've done it in Stamper's voice from Battleblock Theater.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, google it.