Thank you for your submission. Please see the following list of commentary on your work ('>' denotes a quote from your work):
You switch between present and past tense seemingly without reason. That is a major issue and it alone would prevent us from posting this fic. Perhaps this issue is due to the lack of separation between narration and the thoughts that Ocavia is having during the scene; you definitely need to italicize explicit thoughts if you're using them.
>It’s not like we’ve tried to strangle each other.
But then on the next line you talk about them trying to strangle each other. It's a decent joke but the delivery could use some work. I know comedy is about creating expectations and then defying them, but that's better accomplished through subversion rather than direct contradiction.
>Oh how hard I tried to convince myself. But my mind had already been made up. And I had all the "evidence" I needed.
There's no reason for having these as separate sentences that start with conjunctions. You use sentences that start with conjunctions to decent effect at certain points, but you seem to overdo it overall, and it gets distracting at times.
>You're being the irrational one now-
The dashes used for interruption are em dashes, not hyphens. Alt+0151 gives you this character: —, which should be used instead of hyphens for this purpose.
>I yanked my hoof back, my hoof bleeding.
Watch for close word repetition. There are generally ways to rephrase things that avoid this issue.
>Man, I've never heard anything so dirty!
This will probably go right over the head of anyone not familiar with dubstep terminology.
Overall, there's way too much tell and not enough show; it makes the pacing feel like your fic is barrelling ahead at breakneck speed the whole time. There's almost no description, so it's hard to visualize any of the scenes (though admittedly they're gone almost as quickly as they come). All the dialogue comes in the form of talking heads, with only rare description of tone, actions, and expressions. Despite all the issues above, it is a rather entertaining fic, but it could be a lot better with a bit of polish. I suggest you get a review on Ponychan's /fic/ board. They may be able to help you flesh out your style. This is your first strike of three; revise wisely. We look forward to your resubmission.
Meh. They're all valid points. I tried to go for a style, and I can tell that it's a hit or miss.
Except that one about the dashes. That's just nitpicking.