THE CRITIQUE'S FIRST YEAR ANNIVERSARY · 6:05pm Mar 11th, 2015
… … I failed… I failed as a reviewer… As a critic… As a critic who promised to do something…
This is my first year anniversary. You’d think I’d have a little more pomp and circumstance to show for it. Get drunk, celebrate with friends… well, go out and make some friends at least… maybe even be lazy. Have a happy time… So, why? Why am I so depressed then?
Because… I have nothing to review.
Oh, I read a fan fic. Good fuck god, did I read a fan fic.
But this fan fic… is so bad… so horrible… so gut wrenchingly atrocious… that I have nothing to say.
I thought I was more prepared for this moment. For the past year, I have been reading fan fics in an effort to prepare me for this story. This one in particular. I thought… I was ready
But it is only now I realize, only after subjecting myself to the pure insanity and appalling images that are now placed inside my brain… do I finally realize… I am far from ready.
And now… this story had broken me… I sit here… crying to you. Like a baby. A pathetic pony who has lost all sense of direction. How can I claim to be a reviewer when I can’t even stand up to one of the most notorious fics in Brony history? The black mark on the Brony community as a whole, yet is worshiped like Celestia herself.
How can I be asked to review… Streak the Fox’s Princess Molestia?
If you’ve been a Brony for any period of time, you know this meme I speak of. How could you not? It being shoved in your face every five minutes by some immature 13 year old who probably jerks off to his Celestia plushy.
If you have no idea what this is… by the end of this… you just might…
Its popularity began in 2011 and has yet to stop.
I thought I was more ready to review this one… But I can’t review it… I don’t know… if anypony can… I’m not sure how to explain it personally.
I think that part of my soul was lost in this story. I feel ugly. Degraded. Ashamed. I’ve never felt more empty reading a story than reading this one…
And may I remind you… I read My Little Unicorn. My fucking Little Unicorn and I am still more hurt by this story than I am by that one.
I literally don’t know what to do or what to say. So… I wondered the city of Ponyville, the thoughts of the story filling my head. God, I wish I could forget. Forget everything I read. Pretend that it never existed. I … I just want it to go away. But I fear… after everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve seen. I fear that… this ugly feeling… this feeling I have every time I look at myself… will never go away. I only have myself to blame. It was my fault… I shouldn’t have been so weak.
I don’t even know where to start… except … where it all began…
It starts off with a series of what I think it supposed to be deep philosophical quotes. Believe me, there is nothing philosophical about them.
Every creature has needs. Every living animal with a brain has feelings. Every self-aware organism has wants. But only sentient beings can muster up the true essences of desire and passion.
And only sentient beings kill each other over those things, but that doesn’t make it right. By the way, are you saying birds, insects and other animals in Equestria aren’t sentient? You have a very loose definition of the word ‘sentient’.
The same goes for everypony, every dragon, everyzebra, and any other form of sentient life in Equestria.
This is the story that everypony praises with all their heart and soul? We are not even a paragraph in and there is no space between the fucking zebra. I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t. The story is littered with them. Typos, lack of grammar, spelling errors.
How? How could a story with so little care put into it become one of the most popular stories in the Brony community? This was a question… I had no answer to. I still have no answer. I don’t know if there are any answers.
The story continues preaching as if something important to say. I don’t know who the story thinks it’s kidding. It has nothing of value to say. It pretends to care, but in truth, it doesn’t. And it’s all in its writing. The story has no interest in you, me or the story it has to tell. That is the truth.
I don’t know if I want to talk about it… The memories alone… are enough to break even the most confident stallion alive. Even one as handsome and strong as I, is not immune to the hurt. I’ve cried every night since I read it, the memories flashing before me like thunderbolts in the night sky.
After tricking you into believing the story has something deep to tell, it shows us Luna preparing a prank for Celestia.
Apparently, Luna had been planning this revenge scheme of her’s for weeks. What did Celestia do that Luna must have justice for, you might be asking?
… I honestly have no idea. The story doesn’t bother with that part. As I said before, the story honestly doesn’t care.
Luna prepares her spell and sneaks to Princess Celestia’s room. She manages to convince the guards to leave Celestia’s side. I would have questioned it, but Luna does have the authority, so I let it slide…
Why? Why did I let it slide? If I had known… If I had known what was to happen next… would I have let it slide?
So, Luna sneaks into the room and readies the most embarrassing prank that Equestria will ever know. Yeah, somehow the joke is still on me.
Apparently, the spell is a highly complex one and that if cast incorrectly would cause Celestia to become a vegetable.
So, I asked myself… why? This story just literally told us, in the first fucking chapter, why this story doesn’t make any sense. Why would Luna want to use such a spell on her sister? A sister who clearly cares about her? The revenge scheme said nothing to suggest such a drastic spell to be used. Did she really want to take the risk of crippling one of the nation’s leaders all for a stupid April Fool’s joke? Who am I kidding? A rational decision every five year old would pick.
The spell was a truth spell that would make Celestia tell everything that she would normally keep secret. Of course, if this truth spell was anything like in Mare of Steel, that spell was doomed to fail from the start.
But, where Mare of Steel was written by someone who actually gave a damn and someone with talent… This was written by… Streak the Fox.
Luna casts the spell and sees something awaken in Celestia. A deep dark desire that…
No… I can’t… I can’t continue… It’s far too painful…
I can’t recount this story… I don’t have it in me anymore…
I know what you are going to say… Keep going. You’ve faced worse stories… You’ve dealt with things normal ponies could never deal with… And while I would normally agree with your songs of praise… You’re wrong here… I have seen nothing worse… Nothing worse than what comes next…
Luna realizes what she had awakened and escapes the room as quickly as she can.
Some of the guards burst into the room and find Celestia. At first, Celestia seems to be fine, but as soon as she sees the guards, she…
I continued my walk through Ponyville. I had no idea where I was going, or what I was planning to do. I knew… I knew that I had to just get away from it all. I couldn’t go back. Not after what I had seen. I think I passed out… on the side of the street. A couple passes by. They probably think I’m some bum on the street, sleeping in garbage to survive.
Well, if nothing else, I’m reading garbage.
I don’t remember how long I sat in the trash. A day? A week? 45 minutes? It’s hard to say. I can barely tell time anymore. But … maybe that’s what I deserve. … Maybe that’s all I am… trash. Just left on the side of the road, to be ignored by countless ponies. Would serve me right, wouldn’t it? That’s all that’s left of me… The smell of vomit is the only thing that gives me motivation to move. I can’t tell if it was there before I got there, or if I did it myself. Eventually, I make my way out of the gutter and back to the library… to continue…
Luna berates herself for being so stupid.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid!” Luna boasted as she paced back and forth in her room, scorning herself for messing up such an important spell and ruining a great prank. “I was soooo close to getting the ultimate revenge, and it had to screw up! I'm so stupid for not thinking this through enough... how could I be so DUMB!?”
To be honest, Luna, I blame shitty writing.
And boasted? Boasted? Do you even know what boasted means? Is Luna taking pride in the fact that she’s stupid? Are you fucking kidding? How could this story be so DUMB!?
Luna is caught off guard when she hears one of the guards screaming. She rushes to the room to see Celestia, standing over their broken bodies. Celestia then makes her way to Luna and…
… And that’s the whole story… That’s all it is. Just a repeat of the first chapter for seven more goddamn chapters. There is nothing of interest in this story. Why did I do this? This story is on par with fucking Why did I do this?
And yet that story has barely 3 likes while this one has over 1000. Just goes to show you where the Brony community comes from.
After Celestia attacks Luna, she conveniently receives a letter from Twilight Sparkle, and to what I think is one of the most forced letters of all time that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It’s so bad, it makes Applejack saying she was right and didn’t learn anything look like a godsend.
My friends and I have all learned an important lesson today. Though it may be a lot easier to simply stand by and watch as something wrong happens to somepony else, sometimes you just need to stop and stand up for yourself. To be treated unfairly just because of a little rumor, a small white lie, or even due to some silly stereotype is a big mistake, and even if it isn't happening to you or someone you know, you should try to help make sure things right, so that everypony gets treated fairly and have equally fun experiences.
Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle
Twilight Sparkle....
What the hell? I wasn’t even sure to begin with this one. How in the world does this connect to anything at all? It asks that it might be easier to stand by while something bad happens to somepony else, but that you need to stand up for yourself? You were just talking about somepony else, why the fuck did you change it to yourself?
Wouldn’t it be ‘stand up for the pony who is being harmed by someone?’ ‘Don’t stand around waiting for someone else to do the right thing?’ I guess that would only confuse the message of ‘rape is good’ ‘commit every act of rape you can.’
To be treated unfairly because of a stereotype? Where the hell did this suddenly come from? First we were talking about somepony else, then ourselves, now we’ve got to stereotype issues? Of course, I shouldn’t be surprised. This story has nothing but stereotypes.
Also, ‘you should try to help make sure things right’? Yes, because this clearly had a caring author who wanted to tell a good story and not just make sure his little unicorn didn’t get ignored.
And ‘equally fun experiences’? Well, that was contrived as fuck. Why didn’t you just sign the letter ‘Please, Celestia come, fucking rape me’. It would have been far more subtle.
And why did Twilight sign her name twice on the letter? Is she that arrogant?
As Celestia heads to Ponyville, Luna passes out, basically dooming the main six. Nice to see that Luna has our back if Celestia ever goes rogue.
I left the library for a while to get something to eat. I stop at the local diner, hoping that something can distract me. Not sure why I bothered. Nothing can stop the images that corrupt every pour of my brain. As my meal is placed in front of me by the waitress, I just stare at it. I don’t recall what I ordered. It was like my body was on autopilot and I was just a witness.
I was fucking staring at it. How could I not know what I fucking ordered? I guess I just keep my eyes on the fork. The fork that I want to stab myself with. It wouldn’t be anything less than I deserve… Trash like me…
The story continued to haunt me, preventing me from having my meal.
So our next chapter starts with the main six. Who exactly is there and where they are is beyond me, since it is literally 10 paragraphs before any actually narration that even remotely suggests anything going on in this … oh so groundbreaking story.
Apparently, the main six had just helped Twilight take care of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
I had no idea that the Cutie Mark Crusaders were so much trouble that they had to had the entire team there to keep them in line. Apparently, they can handle a god who can warp reality, but three little kids? Shit, call for backup.
“Since fluttershy is letting the crusaders sleep over at her place again, how about I take you both over to my place for a sleepover of our own?”
Well, way to piss on my favorite character’s name. Did you even pay attention in Basic English class? Don’t bother … I already know the answer.
“Well, it would be fun and all... but Spike is still asleep upstairs.” Twilight claimed, hesitation in her voice. “It's really late, and I'm not sure if I should leave him alone for the night...”
“Oh don't worry darling, I'm sure Owlowicious won't mind looking over him while he's asleep.”
Oh, yes… Let the pet watch over the pet. I’m sure that nothing could possibly go wrong.
We then get to the next part of the story where it actually starts to try again. You see what I mean by the story doesn’t care. It didn’t care what Twilight and her friends were doing. It didn’t care what the Cutie Mark Crusaders were up to. It didn’t care how anything they were doing affected the story or anything they think or feel. Unless it has to do with his dick, nothing is important. Not you, not me, not anyone but his dick.
… God… I can’t … I just… I can’t.
I get away from the diner. I don’t remember if I touched my food or not. A squirm in my chest rips at me. But I’m not sure if it’s from hunger or indigestion. It could be both for all I know. One hoof in front of the other. That’s all I’m able to accomplish at this point. I didn’t know where my hooves are taking me or what I was doing. But it didn’t seem to matter at all. All that seemed to matter was trying to get as far away from the library as possible.
How could I stay there? There were too many memories of what I saw… What I read.
But then again… It didn’t help to leave. I saw them... the images… wherever I went. It didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing. The memories still burned my brain… still causing me to relive them over and over.
Twilight goes back to the library from… the void, I guess and gathers her things for a sleepover with Applejack and Rarity. Because, you know… that’s all that girls do. Definitely don’t do anything else. They are simply nothing more than people who go to sleepovers and talk about boys the entire time. They don’t do anything, but that. I’m glad this story can represent women fairly.
… I … I wish I had it in me to be angry at that… I really do. Nothing would have pleased me more than to be enraged… Instead… I feel numb… Empty…
After leaving with her stuff, yeah, because that was important to the plot, Celestia sneaks into the house to find Spike. Celestia asks where Twilight is and Spike being so frightened, tells Celestia that she could find her at Rainbow Dash’s.
Celestia rushes over and Spike… doesn’t do anything.
He just crawls back into bed like nothing happened. I realize he’s probably scared shitless, but… nothing. He doesn’t think that it’s odd that the leader of Equestria is acting like the drooling idiot who wrote this story.
He doesn’t think to send a message to Luna or something. He has a direct line to Canterlot if I remember correctly.
Oh and something else I should mention about this story. Ponyville is written as ponyville in this story. No, that’s not a typo on my part. Almost every time Ponyville is mentioned, it is never capitalized. That’s one of the basic elements of grammar. A capitalization on the names of people, places or things. Ponyville is a place, it needs to be capitalized even if it is not the beginning of a sentence.
This isn’t something that is taught to you in college. This is grade school level material. This story can’t even follow grade school material. That’s how fucking low this story is.
The dark figure of Princess Celestia traveled over ponyville, her wings spread wide as she flew over the buildings and towards the outskirts of the town. After having flown over and around ponyville multiple times for previous visits, the one cloud home next to the town tended to stand out from the surrounding landscape.
Celestia breaks into Dash’s home, but finds out that she isn’t home. Pinkie Pie arrives on the ground below and finds Celestia...
I can’t do this… I’m done…
I had officially hit rock bottom. The gun finally arrived… The gun I had purchased… I never thought I’d have to use it on myself. I slide it open and slip the bullet inside the cylinder. The chill of the handle in my hooves begs me to stick it to my face and get it over with. If, for nothing else, so I would bore the images out of my head. A single bullet would be enough. Maybe if I was lucky… it wouldn’t hurt.
I open my mouth wide. The barrel quickly goes inside. Every fiber of my body is screaming to pull the trigger. To let it all end. To get rid of all the hurt and pain I suffer. A shivering whimper comes from my mouth as the nuzzle touches my tongue. I almost pull the trigger out of shock alone. Moments pass, the voices screaming louder to let me pull it.
…
…
I pull the gun out of my mouth and tossed it to the ground, screaming in anger. Anger at the author. Anger at the story. Anger at the meme. Anger at myself.
I yell at myself most of all. I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger and end my suffering. Was that because I was weak… or just too stupid to know when I’m beaten? I’m not sure which it is anymore.
Rainbow Dash flies around *ponyville* late at night, practicing her stunt for the Wonderbolts. Apparently, while having an organism. Oh, good, this story almost fooled me into thinking it had class.
She sees Celestia fly over to Sweet Apple Acres. Celestia attacks Big Mac and demands the location of Applejack.
Rainbow Dash overhears and is caught by Celestia.
So, Luna goes throughout the entire castle and starts to wake up each of the guards from their sleep. Why the fuck she doesn’t just go to *ponyville* to help the ponies there? Because the story was written by a brain dead monkey, that’s why.
We then cut to Twilight, Rarity and Applejack enjoying a sleepover together and telling scary stories. I’ll trade whatever scary story you three are telling for this one. I’ll take My Little Unicorn over this.
That’s right. I said it. I fucking said it and I will say it until the end of time. I will take My Little Unicorn over this fucking piece of shit.
Big Mac arrives at Rarity’s place and warns the group about how Celestia is acting strangely. Twilight can’t bring herself to believe it and the trio decides to investigate by heading to Sugar Cube Corner.
Alright then, lets go get our stuff girls,” Applejack said.
Stuff girls? What, do they have Princess Celestia plushies too? Also, the dialogue. Half of it feels unnatural. Like it’s forced or looks like this. Again, another sign of our esteemed story giving a shit.
“Y-you girls go on ahead...” Rarity said, her voice also stricken with a bit of fright. “I'l see if I can distract her long enough for you to get away...”
Oh, really? And what did her voice do that spoke of her fear? Was she breathing heavily? Was she shaking? Was she sweating? Were her fucking cartoon teeth clicking together?
A wonderful job of telling and not showing here in this story. It’s scatted throughout the damn thing.
Rarity decides to stay behind and hold Celestia off as long as she can… and our heroes figure its best to trot to their destination.
Big Macintosh, Applejack, and Twilight Sparkle all exchanged glances one more time before quickly trotting off towards Sugar Cube Corner.
Yeah, according to the dictionary, a trot is like a jog. So, when there is an abomination on the loose, the first thing our heroes do is work on their cardio together? You should be sprinting at the highest speed you can possibly achieve. You might say I’m just harping on word choices… And yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing.
Applejack, Twilight, and Big Mac all ran as fast as they could towards sugarcube corner, eager to see if Pinkie Pie was alright.
Not what you said a moment ago. Also, there’s our friend kindergarten English failure.
And here’s where I…
I…
… I can’t remember… I don’t remember what I was going to say … This… has never happened to me before…
I go to one of the local bars, trying to clear my head as best I can. I’m hoping the alcohol will give me more of a chance at surviving the next few days. Or at the very least, kill my depression. Even for a few seconds.
The next thing that happens is so… so horrible… so despicable… so … downright uncharacteristic of our heroes… that it defies logic.
“I hate to admit it...” Big Mac said, looking at her sister and her friends with discomfort. “But we need all the time we can get to get some help. Let's just hope for now she can at least occupy her for a while...”
Applejack gasped loudly and was about to object, but Twilight suddenly raised her hoof in front of her. She looked at Applejack straight in the eye, assuring her it was their only logical option. Applejack took a step back and lowered her head in defeat.
…
I sit on the barstool, my head against the bar. I don’t know how many drinks I had. I don’t want to know. The mere idea of knowing is enough to send me into a deep depression. How? I think to myself. How was this story able to get away with this? The main six… our leader… Twilight Sparkle… just said… it was okay… It was okay for Celestia to rape others… It was okay for that to happen. It was just fine. That they needed to sacrifice others in order for them to achieve their victory instead of trying to help people and protect them.
… Our heroes…
So… here I sit… on this barstool, wondering if I should have another… just in the hopes that it will be my last.
I’m not sure why drinking is the only thing that makes me feel alive anymore, but it does. A clinking reaches my ears as a glass is placed in front of me. My hoof takes it without me moving my forehead from the bar.
I pull my head up, looking at the glasses. There must have been 15 empty glasses there. No wonder my stomach felt like it had been hit by a tire iron repeatedly. My head pounded as I looked down at the glass. I could have sworn I saw my reflection in the glass. Maybe it was just a trick of the light. Regardless, I felt disgusted.
I couldn’t tell if it was because of the drink, the fact I hadn’t eaten, or just looking at myself brought on such distaste that I couldn’t see myself as normal ever again.
We then cut to Luna being told that this had happened before. … Yes… this had happened before. This was not the first time this had happened… It was not the first time Celestia went rogue and went on a rampage. Trying to bend everypony to her will.
… Gee, does that sound fucking familiar?
And yet, where Luna was banished to the moon for a thousand years, Celestia got a slap on the wrist. I am not fucking kidding. Trying to overthrow the kingdom? That shit is unacceptable. But raping an entire city? Yeah, that’s totally chill.
Makes me wonder what kind of fucking drugs this story was on when it fucking thought that this shit was a good idea.
No punishment. No consequences. Not even therapy to get Celestia under control. Nothing. This story doesn’t care about anything that it does. All it cares about is the author’s dick.
So, Luna and the guards figure out a plan to stop her. So did I, it’s called ‘Shoot the fucking bitch with a shotgun’.
But Luna and the guards say they need some pony who specializes in ‘illusion magic’. Why? Because Trixie is a popular character.
I kid you the fuck not, that is why Trixie is in this story.
Author Note: What a tweest!
Just because you have a ‘tweest’ in your story, doesn’t make it good. And believe me, this story is anything but good.
Twilight returns to the library to find Spike. Spike explains that… he was… licked… by Celestia…
… Yes… This story… decided… to sexually assault a child… I don’t care what anyone says in the fandom. He’s probably like 10 at most. … I… I’m baffled…
… I … don’t know where to go from here… It’s bad enough that … but now… Spike has been…
Where do I go from here? What do I say? What should I say? … I don’t even know…
I sat on the barstool, rubbing my temple. My brain feeling like it was trying to rip itself out of my skull. I couldn’t blame it. I would want to rip myself out too if I had to endure the images that I saw.
A couple of patrons sit next to me at the bar. I barely notice them… All I can do is stare at the glass. However, I can hear their voices.
“Hey, did you hear about that Critique guy?” one of the asked the other.
The other one nodded. “Yeah, they say he’s the guy who’s responsible for Sweet Apple Acres going out of business.”
I remember that review… I remember bashing on the author’s work and destroying the farm that had been on the land for a thousand plus years. Whoops.
But, I wasn’t thinking about that. I was just angry. I mean… angrier than usual. I just wanted to hit something. I wanted to hit everything. Without a hint of warning, I raised my hoof and knocked the stallion next to me to the ground.
I remember blacking out with a yelp. After regaining my senses, I had a black eye, my face was bruised, and I was being dragged out of the bar by a much larger stallion. He mentioned picking a fight with someone much larger than me was a stupid thing to do.
A lot he knows. If he wasn’t twice my size and I had a gun to cripple him, I would have won.
I couldn’t worry about that at that time. I could only think about the story…
Meanwhile, Trixie is woken up by Luna and her royal guards. To which, Trixie seems to forget who Luna is…
“Greetings Trixie,” Luna said as she gave a soft bow, which Trixie did not return. “I am Princess Luna, and the guards and I require your assistance on a most dire situation.”
“Now what could be so important that you would need to awake the Great and Powerful Trixie at such an hour?” She complained.
So, the most logical thing for Luna to do at this point would be to send the bitch to the moon and get some real help, but no, thankfully, our story isn’t that intelligent.
So, they explain that after every attack, Celestia is completely drained of her power. Even though there has been no evidence of that at any point in the story whatsoever. Meaning that the author, like everything else in this story, just didn’t give a shit. Why don’t you just pull the magical stone that makes everything all better out of your ass while you’re at it?
Applejack, Twilight and Big Mac make their way to Fluttershy’s house. Why is Spike not with them? Because… the gods demanded it? I don’t fucking know.
Rainbow Dash arrives and…
I continued to wander through the streets of *ponyville*. I look upon everypony going about their day. Smiles as far as the eye can see. Children trotting the street with their parents, begging for some ice cream for being good at the store. A young couple talking, the stallion making the mare beside him laugh. An elderly mare pushing her husband’s wheelchair around the park before making it to a bench to sit beside him. The list couldn’t have gone on forever. Ponies all around me enjoying the day that the Pegasi had worked so hard for us to enjoy.
Everypony was having a good time. Everypony, except me. Because I knew… they did not have to see the images that I did. They did not have to subject themselves to such horror. Not like me… Was it because I was brave enough to face them? Or was it because they knew the danger and were smart enough to stay away?
… It was probably the latter.
So, they manage to convince Rainbow Dash to fly to Canterlot and get help if they can. Good to see that Rainbow Dash is taking this so well, rather than, oh… I don’t know… Having a reaction… Good god, her reaction in Daring Do and the Daughter of Heroes was more realistic.
So, the group decides to hide out as best they can and wait for Celestia to pass them by. Applejack and Big Mac split off from the group to find some food and…
…
…
…
…
…
I’m sorry… I can’t subject you to those kinds of images. The images I now have burned in my brain…
So… we cut to Trixie and Luna who are still developing a plan to stop Celestia. With Luna taking her assault in strides. Oh, I’ll come back to that in a minute.
Twilight, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie gather the Cutie Mark Crusaders and make their way to Crusader’s Clubhouse.
Oh, and Spike is suddenly with them. Consistency? Fuck it. One of the many things I’m sure the author fucked.
As with most fanfiction, Fluttershy seems to be the only one in character and the rest of the cast is a bunch of dicks with Twilight leading the charge. When Fluttershy hears that Rarity was attacked, she wants to go and see if she can help her. However, Twilight explains that it’s too dangerous to check on their dear friend.
Good to see that friendship is magic, Twilight.
Rainbow Dash arrives in Canterlot to warn Luna and the others of… what they should already know…
“Yeah, Princess Celestia's gone like, crazy or something! She's doing all sorts of horrible, bad, just... uncool stuff to other ponies in Ponyville!”
Well, I’m glad our dictionary is expanding to the words ‘uncool’. Let’s add some more insensitive words while we’re at it. Like ‘not radical’ ‘bogus’ ‘sucks’ ‘weak’ ‘mondo-bizarro’.
And our hero, Trixie, says this…
“Hmph, why waste our time trying to rescue a bunch of losers?” remarked a voice inside the carriage.
…
…
I’m going to let you rage about that one…
We cut to Fluttershy sneaking through *ponyville* to find Rarity and check up on her. Suddenly, she is attacked by Celestia.
… My hooves continued to move. One after the other… I wasn’t sure where I was until I heard the sounds of somepony yelling at me.
“Sorry, sir, you’re not allowed in this area.”
I look up to see one of the Canterlot Guard baring my path. Further, I see … Canterlot Castle?
I remembered thinking to myself about how far *ponyville* was from Canterlot. Was it really only a 30 minute walk? Maybe I should make the trip more often to complain about Celestia’s rule? Despite this, I was too distracted to think clearly. I just turned around and began to wander some more. The streets of Canterlot were far more elegant and refined than that of *ponyville.* I’ve wanted to be here my whole life. Living in the life of luxury, but I was hardly that. Most Earth Ponies stick out like a sore hoof here.
Don’t know why. It just does…
Trixie and the others arrive at the Crusaders clubhouse and explain to Twilight their plan.
And then we get this piece of information… Something that I think I’ll be angry at when I’m a lot less depressed…
This is due to a certain part of her, a sort of separate personality in her mind that was once locked away now released and overtaking her. She is still the Celestia we all know, only with her mind distorted, distraught, and perverted.
Ah… so, this is the author’s attempt to make sure that Celestia is blameless in her actions? So… they know this. They all knew this was a problem. They all knew this thing would be an issue and that no pony in their right mind would take the step necessary to make sure it didn’t happen again. Are you fucking serious?
And then Luna makes probably the suggestion that makes the least sense possible…
“How do I put this...” Luna said quietly, lowering her head temporarily to think to herself. “We need Celestia to do what she did to your friends, to you...”
…
…
…
Yep… You all just read that… You all just saw that image in your mind… Luna suggested that Twilight allowed herself to be attacked in order for this plan to work… Even though, Luna has been able to defeat Celestia with by becoming Nightmare Moon and that now they have Trixie and Twilight to combat her, as well as the royal guards. And I doubt Equestria would be okay with a psychopath running their country, so they’d be behind killing Celestia. So, why the fuck don’t they do that?
Because, we need to get Twilight to be raped somehow.
That’s the whole reason…
How can I continue to read it? After that, how can anyone? I look down to my hooves… shaking… uncontrollably. I just want to collapse to the ground. The cold hard concrete against my flesh. Condemning me to my fate. I want ponies to just walk on top of me. Crushing every bone in my body and leaving me a bloody mess.
That would be a more preferable fate to reading this.
Twilight receives a letter and realizes that Celestia knows where she is. Luna and the others prepare their trap and Twilight…
And Twilight….
And Twilight…
And Twilight…
And Twilight…
And Twilight…
And Twilight…
And Twilight…
And Twilight…
And Twilight …
A n d T w I l I g h t…
A
n
d
T
w
i
l
i
g
h
t
…
A d w l g t
n T i i h …
AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight…AndTwilight...
And then we get to the part where I would normally scream, rave and rant about something that pisses me off more than anything else in this story. This line here…
She can't explain why, or how, but past all the fear and anguish, past the desire to get away and the need for the comfort of home, this all somehow sort of feels... good.
… Your allegory for the story. Being raped is okay. It is desirable. It’s every woman’s desire to be raped. To be sexually assaulted against their will. That is what every woman desires and don’t you fucking tell me otherwise. You got it right story. You fucking got it right. You are just so much smarter than all of us. You are just so much better. So much more intelligent than we will ever be. It’s like you know people. It’s like you know exactly what goes on in a woman’s… in a victim’s mind. It’s incredible. We should be writing songs praising your name of how much you know. We should hold you up to the greatest writers of all time for this incredible insight. This magnificent masterpiece of a fan fic that can never be replicated for the amount of knowledge that you have on this subject and the people who have actually been there. You should receive the highest honor for accurately depicting what it means to be in this situation and how the victims coop with it. And anyone who thinks differently about this subject matter should rot in hell, because you are the only one who knows what the fuck they are talking about. You are the only one who understands the victims. All those scientists and doctors, medical professionals that think they know anything about the victims and how much they hurt and feel and the lives lost from this. Fuck them. They don’t know shit compared to you. You are like a paragon of knowledge compared to those idiots who don’t deserve their medical and psychology degrees. You are clearly the one to go to for knowledge about this subject and the people it affects.
… And if you believed a word I just said… You’re a fucking idiot.
“Rest assured,” The second guard said. “Any injuries or mental anomalies caused by her role in this will be tended to to the best ability that the Royal Equestrian Physicians can provide.
Oh, yeah, that’s fantastic. What are you going to do? Throw a Band-Aid on it?
So, the group gathers the Elements of who the fuck gives a shit and cures Celestia of her mental illness because the author isn’t smart enough to come up with something better.
So, everypony comes around and gives Celestia a big hug, because … as the story puts it…
“It's... a long story,” Celestia said with a soft sigh. “After being around so long, I somehow grew an alternate personality that liked to... indulge on such horrible things. I tried having it sealed away with magic, but that only works for so long...”
That’s right. The rapist is not to blame for their actions. They are under a split personality. That’s all. That’s why it’s okay to forgive them. Don’t hold it against them. It wasn’t their fault to begin with.
… Blow me…
Our story ends with a friendship report to Celestia, Celestia not being locked away in a deep dark cell even though that is what a smart, logical, intelligent author would do, and we hint that a story that I will never read, no matter how many of you ask.
… I’m not sure what to do anymore. I wish I could review this one… I wish I could just sit in front of a camera and say what I feel about it.
I think I would say this…
This is, without a doubt, the ugliest fan fiction… No, the ugliest piece of literature, I have ever read in my entire life.
It’s clear that no effort was put into it. The plot is ridiculous, mostly because the characters themselves are idiots. Between Luna casting a spell that she wasn’t supposed to, the royal guards not dealing with Celestia when it first happened, Twilight being unsympathetic, Trixie being an uncaring bitch, Celestia being… that abomination… and just every other character being horrible, horrible ponies.
And you know what the damned thing about this is… It actually praises those ponies for being terrible. For all the bad decisions and horrible things they do, they have no consequences. They have no setbacks, no moral dilemmas that they have to overcome, they do not answer for the crimes they commit. The story doesn’t treat its characters as actually characters. It treats them as objects. Nothing more that tools for the author’s desire.
None of the characters take any responsibility for their actions. The story never holds them accountable for anything they do. It treats them like… “Oh, we’re just having a good time. LOL.” Shame on you. Fucking shame on you. You have no right to allow these characters to get away with the horrible things they do. This wouldn’t bother me as much if there was some kind of repercussions for what they do. Some kind of punishment for the characters being just so… despicably awful. There never is a moment when the story tells us or shows us that doing this had very negative consequences. Instead, it glorifies them. Holding them up on a pedestal and says “This is acceptable.” Fuck. That. Shit.
Which brings us to the next thing that disgusts me. The character’s reaction to the attacks. They have almost no reaction to them. Instead, the story chooses to focus on the attacks themselves instead of what happens after the attacks and how it affects the characters. The story pretends to care about that by throwing them in every now and again, but they affect nothing in the overall story. They affect nothing about the characters. They affect nothing about how the audience should feel about this very delicate subject matter.
Instead, it glorifies the attacks. It makes them seem like they are desirable and that causing pain to others is pleasurable. That hurting and demeaning, degrading and destroying the people you care about the most is something that is acceptable. That bending people to your will is just and right. That’s what this story does.
The spelling and grammar are all over the place in this. Being decent in one spot and then being awful the next. It shows that the author didn’t have time to write a good story because he was too busy writing whatever the fuck this was. It’s not good, it’s not entertaining, it’s not enjoyable. It’s ugly. Absolutely ugly.
The ending is rushed as fuck. It just pretends that nothing happened, with a big fat middle finger to anyone who actually gave a shit about this story and its characters.
Frankly, I wish I could just pretend it never happened. I wish that this was some fucking nightmare and that I never had to see these images. It hurts… It hurts to read this story… It hurts to talk about it… And that’s why… I can’t review it…
I can’t review this story…
Every sentence in this story feels like I’m begin stabbed in the heart. It hurts me that much… I hate this story that fucking much… And now… every time I hear that joke … that meme… I am haunted… Burned… damaged… Like a piece of my soul is being torn asunder… Only for it to heal for the next time I am tormented…
Time will heal these wounds… but these scars… the scars that torment my mind… will last forever… waiting for the next moment when I am reminded of how I got them.
Waiting for the aching memories to resurface.
Until then… I carry on… Maybe one day… when I can read this story without shriveling in fear and pain… I will review it… But until then… I carry on…
Aw come on it can't be- *after looking at the review* ..... BURN IT. BURN IT TO THE GROUND.
A.J's descendants must be horrible farmers if that's all it took.
Nice effect there.
Little disappointed at the lack of plot, but this as a pretty deep review, so it makes sense.
archive.desustorage.org/foolfuuka/boards/mlp/image/1422/49/1422493660608.jpg
Happy Anniversary, Critique! Hope this year is better than the last one.
...
Well, this can only end badly.
I'd make a reference to how it's like My Immortal, but that would be insulting to Tara Gilesbie.
Thank you
And yet that is way more poetic than anything in the story we've seen...
I'm sure the entire cast of Harry Potter, Korra, Young Justice, and the Titans are asking the same thing after My Immortal, Voices, Healing, and Secret of Queen Annalese.
And like you said, boasted is not the right word here. Berated would probably work better.
There was this one time... it involved a Chaos God and a massive civil war, but everything worked out in the end... Sort of.
The way you phrased that makes the Mane 6 look like a bunch of gangsters, and Twilight is the Kingpin...
Capitalization, this story needs it.
Also, who's talking here?
Seriously, who's talking here? This makes my bouts of Talking Head Syndrome look positively tame.
Not to mention all the times that it just misses out on capitalization altogether.
Of course, Rainbow Dash is first on the chopping block. And people ask me why I chose her to be Supermare instead of Applejack...
That, and the trailers I based the fic off of had Rainbow in the role, so...
Oh dear...
And my already low opinion of this story was just shot to Hell. Rape and molestation are not some funny things that you can just throw in to a story and then be done with without any consequences. Treating it as such not only makes you a terrible writer, it shows that you have little care for basic human decency and only care about what you feel is "Cool" or "edgy". I know my stories have characters getting over life-changing events rather rapidly, but at least they actually address some of the issues.
Just because it's a twist doesn't make it good. Pointing it out only makes it worse.
This is like Alfred Hitchcock's preview of Psycho, only with pity instead of suspense.
Fuck this story.
I really can't go on. Even reading a review of this story is painful, but good thing you don't have to read it ever again.
My reaction to stories like this?
"I need a freaking drink."
And I'm about as far from being an alcoholic as it's possible to get.
Oy! I am the Nostalgia Critic rip off! Not you...
Oh, you were there for bar night? Dash and I went for a drink, as usual. Some asshole punched me-
That was you?! You prick! I got a broken mussel from that! I'm glad Dash and the bouncer kicked your ass!
Joking aside, great review, and happy anniversary! It's a shame trash like this and Rainbow Factory get praised, while things like Technological Technicolor Technomare and the Immortal Game are over looked.
2867745 2867760 2867784 2867797 You know the Princess Molestia thing? I've actually been... Forced to read a few of those tumbler posts... And really? Some of them work in ways, actually being funny, and others don't. Namely the fact it dances a line between Celestia being just REALLY horny all the time and being an actual serial rapist... The ones I mentioned that work? Anything involving Twilight since she's CLEARLY in a relationship with Celestia. The others? Not so much. Also this meme is where we got Gamer Luna from... Go figure.
Wow....
This wasn't even funny, just kind of depressing.
You need to read something good. Read this
2867760
I want to do something with this later where the Critique has to go and fix Sweet Apple Acres.
Glad you enjoyed the review.
2867797
I don't blame you for not finishing the review. This is how the fic made me feel. I felt just disgusted and ashamed to read it. That's how bad it is. And hopefully, I'll never have to review anything like it.
2867844
Well said.
2868076 I didn't want to make this a comedy one because I felt that the subject matter was too difficult for me to talk about and make funny. I don't think I personally could have pulled it off. So instead, I choose the more depressing route of how the fic made me feel.
2868749
>mfw after reading StreakTheFox's Princess Molestia fanfic.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/1/29/817054__safe_fluttershy_animated_idw_flutterrage.gif
Tried to read the whole thing today. I could just barely finish chapter 3 before quitting :/ You have truly suffered.