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Aragon


Quoth the raven: "CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW" (Patreon)

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Feb
12th
2015

One Thousand Followers, and Two Friends Come Back · 12:28am Feb 12th, 2015

“Okay.” I got up from the sofa and joined my hands under my chin. “What about this: I’m going to fuck a watermelon.

Silence.

Dolphucker put down the book he had been reading and just looked at me in disbelief. “You know,” he said, “I don’t know how you did it, but you literally just fucked up the entire conversation before it even started. Just… Just how?

“Like, I get a watermelon, right?”

“Why are you still talking.”

“And then, I fuck it.” I made a thrust motion with my hips so he could picture everything better. “Like, bam.”

“Your parents should have drowned you in boiling water when you were born,” Dolphucker said, massaging his temples. “Just, what the hell?”

“Dude.” I looked at him. “I gotta celebrate the thousand followers. This is important. I’m running out of time.”

“And your best idea is to fuck a piece of fruit?!”

“Well, it’s either that, or doing nothing!” I crossed my arms and glared at him, right foot tapping on the floor. “Is that what you want? Nothing? That would be your ideal thing, wouldn’t it?”

“Look, absolutely anything would be better than you fucking a watermelon,” Dolphucker said. “That’s literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Oh, yeah, you tell me that.”

“I only fucked that dolphin once!” he said, crossing his arms too and looking at me with an offended face. “Are you ever going to let me outlive that?!”

“Dude, then help me!” I sighed and sat down on the sofa again. “I have no idea what to do, and I already have over one thousand thirty followers. I gotta do something.

“Can’t you just, like, post a normal story?”

“Nah that’s stupid.” I waved a hand at him and looked at the ceiling. “It has to be amazing. It has to be awe-inspiring.

Silence.

I’m going to fuck a thousand watermel—

“You seriously shouldn’t be allowed to breathe.”


“Okay.” I looked at Editor. “So I talked to Dolphucker, and he told me the watermelon thing wasn’t a good idea.”

Editor nodded. “And it was,” he said. “It was probably the best one you’ve ever had.”

“Thanks, I think the same.”

“Which goes to say what the standard we’re working with here is.”

“Whatever.” I waved a hand. “So, like, I thought about it a lot, right?”

“Right.”

“And I thought: I know it. I’ll do something good. Some charity.” I ran a hand through my hair. “It was not a good idea.”

Editor’s eyes got wide. “Oh, God,” he said. “What the hell did you do?”

“I, uh, went to the orphanage.” I licked my lips. “I wanted to sing to the orphans. Let them have a good time, right? I mean, they’re little kids, so—”

“Okay, I know where this is going.” Editor raised a hand to shut me up. “What did you sing about? Masturbation and existentialism?”

“What? No!” I frowned. “What the hell? It was about the Care Bears!”

“Oh.”

“About how they jack off and realize they are nothing if they don’t care, because that’s their entire existence.”

“Please get out of my house.”

So many of them died, dude.

“I’m calling the police.”


“Okay, so.” I looked at Captain Steel DickPuncher. He’s looking as fine as ever. “I had a new idea to celebrate the thousand followers.”

ME PUNCHES DICKS.

“You see, I’m going to get a gorilla from the zoo, and then—”

ME CAN PUNCH ITS DICK.

I blinked. “What? No! No, no punching gorillas.” I grabbed Captain Steel DickPuncher’s shoulder. “They are too adorable to be punched.”

ME LIKES TO PUNCH DICKS.

“But you can’t do that, dude!” I said. “Gorillas are off limits!”

ME DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IF ME IS NOT PUNCHING DICKS.

“Right.” I nodded. “So, I’m getting the gorilla, and I’m dressing it as a sailor, right? And then I go to my favorite pub, and—”

ME JUST REALIZED ME IS NOTHING IF NO DICKPUNCHING HAPPENS.

I blinked again. “Uh-oh.”

ME IS HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS RIGHT NOW.

“You wanna jack off, then?”

ME THINKS IT’S WEIRD HOW IT FITS THE SITUATION.


A black figure appeared in front of me. “Heya,” it said, and his voice sounded like a cold grave being struck by thunder. “We meet again.”

I frowned. I recognized the figure—it was the anthropomorphical representation of my inner demons. Only it wasn’t dressed in black, as he usually was. It was completely dressed in—

“Yellow?” I asked, poking his jacket. “Why are you dressed in yellow?”

“I fucked up as your inner demons, so I got a new job.” He readjusted the neck of his shirt. “So, new clothes.”

“New job?” I cocked my head to the side. “Which one?”

“I’m your inner lemons.”

Silence.

“You’re kidding me.”

“Nope.”

“That is the most retarded joke I’ve ever heard.”

“Oh, and isn’t that the lesson, my friend?” My inner lemons put a hand over my shoulders and dragged me across the street. “It’s a stupid joke. You’re trying too hard.”

“Oh God you’re scented. You’re fucking scented.

He rolled his eyes. “Hey, I’m trying to teach you a lesson here. You’re worried, you want to do something legendary… And that’s the absolute opposite of what you should be doing.”

This is so fucking stupid.

“I mean…” My inner lemons sighed. “It’s not that big of a deal, dude. They don’t care, and you shouldn’t care either—because if you care, you might end up being a little bit of a stuck up.”

I frowned. “I don’t know what you mean. Also, how can anyone have inner lemons? Like, how does that work?”

“I mean that you are prone to be an egotistical asshole.” The guy arched an eyebrow at me. “Of course, you’re too stupid to actually realize that. It’s kind of an exercise in futility to trying to explain this to you, isn’t it?”

“I don’t even like lemons. I don’t eat that shit. I can’t have lemons inside.”

“It’s a metaphor, you twit. It’s a representation of—you are touching my butt.”

I smiled. “Maybe.”

“Can I do anything with you that doesn’t end up being stupid or sexual?” He pushed me aside and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Seriously, this is big. I’m trying to teach you, you idiot.”

“Oh yeah, you can teach me all night long.” I winked at him. “You’re the prettiest person I’ve met in my life.”

“I’m an exact replica of yourself.”

“Bullseye.”

He sighed. “What I try to say here is—don’t sweat it. Don’t plan anything big, don’t try to outdo yourself, because it will end up in disappointment. And, honestly? They don’t really care.” My inner lemons locked eyes with me. “They are following you because… Uh…”

Silence.

“Okay, they are probably following you because they mistook you for a smart person once, and now they’re too polite to unfollow your sorry ass.”

“Even I wonder how the fuck did that happen, yeah.”

He waved a hand. “Doesn’t matter. They’re not following you for your blogs, so does it even matter? Just go on doing what you’ve always been doing.”

“You mean being an idiot?”

“Yes.”

“Sweet. I’m awesome at that.” I smirked. “Did you know I got a gorilla from the zoo and dressed it as a sailor?”

He frowned. “Why?”

“I really like gorillas. I wanted to ship him with myself.”

Silence.

“Yes. Yes, that’s it.” My inner lemons gave me a thumbs up. “That’s fucking it. That’s even worse than the lemon thing.”

“I’m trying to consciously disappoint everybody because then I can act as if it was planned all along!”

“Brilliant plan.” He nodded. “So yeah. You need to learn not to worry about this kind of stuff.”

“What an amazing lesson.”

“And now I must leave you,” he said, as he closed his eyes and became transparent. “For once, you fucking listened to me.”

“Hey! Don’t go!” I tried to grab him, but my hand passed through my inner lemons as if he wasn’t even there. “I still don’t know what to do to celebrate my followers!”

“Seriously?” He laughed as he became more and more invisible by the second. “I told you not to worry! Deep in your heart, you know what to do. You just need to follow your instincts.”

“Inner lemons!” I screamed, falling to my knees. “Don’t leave me!”

“Are you seriously trying to unbutton my pants in this kind of situation?”

“Hey, can’t blame me for trying.”

“Pfft.” He rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Bye. You’ll know what to do.”

“But…” I looked up at him, and our eyes locked once more. “But, are you sure?”

“Of course.” He winked at me. “But, just in case, I made sure to leave you a surprise. You’ll understand when you see it.”

And then, just like that, he was gone.


When I went home twenty minutes later, a thousand watermelons were waiting for me there.

A single tear fell down my cheek.

Report Aragon · 840 views ·
Comments ( 25 )

Oh God my dick hurts so much right now this was a terrible idea.

Okay, they are probably following you because they mistook you for a smart person once, and now they’re too polite to unfollow your sorry ass.

Yeah, basically. :twilightsmile:

Congratulations on the 1.035 kilofollowers!

I laughed so hard I pee'd a little.
...
Can I bill you for the dry cleaning?

2788985 Did you get watermelon babies?

Aww that poor poor dick...

Sorry m8. Somebody already fucked a watermelon before you.

Watermelons? Lemons?

I always thought that you were a bit... fruity.
:coolphoto:

Why did this whole thing sound like a conversation between the stuff went down crew?

...

Sweet Celestia, the things went down crew is Aragon projecting his personality into the characters! And I actually liked them! I feel dirty. And a little violated.

2789141 Seeds... seeds everywhere! Why? WHY?! What has been seen can never be unseen!:raritycry:

2789343 Don't you mean what has "seed" can never be un"seed"?

Yeah? No? :pinkiehappy:

I'll stop.

2789552 That joke was almost as bad as the lemon joke!

Watermelons? Nah, man. Grapefruits are where it's at.

(Legal disclaimer: despite what this person advises, I, personally, do not condone surprising your sexual partner with kinky sh*t on the grounds that they won't be up for it if you're open and honest about it. Even if they end up enjoying it, that's still a hella problematic thing to do. Remember folks: safe, sane, and consensual!)

I'll just leave this here. Yeah. That's it. Watermelon love.

Hah, jokes on you, I barely started making stories on this site and I wrote a story on Fluttershy fucking Winona turned into a talking watermelon, and then eating her.
Your inner lemons were right dude, don't let your conscious stop you.
I love these blog posts.

How did this turn from Dolphfucker to inner lemons. Just... how.

You're weird. I like you.

2788985 I'm not overly surprised! Watermelons lack obvious genitals, so you were most likely just bashing one thousand watermelons into your crotch repeatedly.

2789565 Almost. But not quite as bad!

2788985

I'm imagining you using your urethra to spit out the seeds.

It is not a pretty mental image.

2790493 PFFFFFT.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

Pretty sure I followed for the blog posts...

This might be more than a couple of years late, but why didn't you consider lemons instead?
Your subconscious was clearly giving you an enormous hint there.

Actually, maybe it's not too late.
How many followers do you have now?
Over two thousand?

Seems like a cause for... celebration.

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