Critique: Discord's First Very Faithful Student · 12:17pm Feb 11th, 2015
Goodness. Where does the time go?
Anyway, today I'm looking at Discord's First Very Faithful Student by Pokonic. This is a bit of a tough one because it's a lighter tone than the two previous things I've looked at, but I'll see if I can get to what it's saying. (Irrelevant: Pokonic, this story is lousy with typos, man, fix your shit)
The story opens with both Discord and Diamond Tiara being bored and lonely. This is, curiously, not a cause for sadness for either of them. They seem totally content with themselves and aren't in a position where they want someone to reach out to them and pull them out of a bad spot. Their first connection isn't one of empathy - it's a profoundly selfish moment where both of the two realise they can extract something of value from each other.
In fact, soon after Discord prompts Diamond to show that weakness to Silver Spoon. For a moment I thought the story had done some weird backflip but it reveals that as a con. Discord isn't interested in making Diamond a good pony and Diamond isn't interested in becoming one - just in using it as a cover while really interesting things happen. Again, this is a positive lesson that has it's roots in profound self interest and I'm starting to suspect that's the heart of this story.
Diamond Tiara has been set up the entire story as a pony who doesn't need a hug; she's been shown to be a legitimate jerk, a sociopath who's special talent is bossing people around and who needs to channel that power to productive and humorous ends. So it's kind of got me stumped that the story abruptly shift tacks when Diamond's mother shows up and suddenly she's like a different character, with no self confidence or anything. She can brush off everyone else's opinions but she really wants her mother's approval. Which she seems to have, although in an abstract, distant sort of way.
And that's pretty much it. I'm really struggling to say much of anything about this story. It's incomplete, but it spends so much time talking about stuff that isn't the point that I'm just kind of waiting for it to get to the stuff that matters. There's a conversation with Celestia which goes nowhere. There's tonnes of worldbuilding and setting history but it's all distraction from what I'm really interested in. I'm trying to figure out who Pokonic thinks Diamond Tiara is and what she's going to get out of being mentored by Discord and so far the only thing I've got is "Doubts and history lessons". It feels like such a huge missed opportunity because the story that is sometimes there - about two sociopaths learning how to wreak legitimate havoc and learning lessons along the way, the story that's promised by the title, the tags and the description just isn't there. Instead it's like "Diamond Tiara Gets A Substitute Teacher". Lots of individually funny or cool moments but just not tied together.
Also holy shit the typos, dude.
Diamond Tiara is not a good pony and will never be one! However, there's a good range of 'bad ponies' in Equestria; she could easily be a friendless Suri-type individual who gets by on life by lies, or she could be closer to Blueblood, who is rich and famous and has a good reputation regardless of his actual personality. Diamond Tiara, one day, will be in control of Pony Wall Mart; that's a inherent looming thing that's a part of the dread of Discord picking her, of all ponies, to fill with his thoughts.
That plot detour, with the whole 'Mommy why don't you love me?' bit, was to show what a pony like Diamond could just end up as a few years down the line; a friendless individual who's disliked by almost everyone who knew her growing up! Diamond is her mother's splitting image, mentally! She also recognizes that absolutely no one call her a 'good pony' or 'friend', and that scare's her a little!
I will admit that, any time I attempt to write something pony-related, it degenerates into a plot that furthers some sort of worldbuilding. Celestia's journey was pure self-indulgence, but the chapter about the Deer is entirely critical to the story itself.
Diamond Tiara is not a good person, in general! Diamond Tiara is the spoiled daughter of a rich business owner who, if left to her own devices, would not end up penniless, because she's intelligent; however, she could easily become a social pariah who no one likes, even with money. She's seen what she could be, and she doesn't like it at all, so she knows she has to change to be more appealing, as a person!
Discord also beat the system, because out of all the various events that threaten to remove normalcy from Ponyville that pop up about bi-monthly, Discord's the one really powerful threat to Equestria who the Princesses decided to give a second chance! Diamond likes the general idea of second chances, for herself, and is perfectly willing to listen to the individual who took over Equestria twice, if it helps her.
I'll admit that I'm probably too much of a fan of the 'slice of life' tag as a way to pass whatever I want as part of a story. I started it with a ending in mind; if I was a more disciplined individual, the story would be over by now and wouldn't be as disjointed as it is.
Ugg.
2788683 Disjointed is kind of how I'd put it. It feels like you promised me one story but you actually want to be writing Dangerous Business instead. Why not just write your version of Dangerous Business?
Like, individually you're writing cool and funny scenes, but they all add up to less than the sum of its parts. Discord was present in the first few chapters and then he just goes away and it's like 5 chapters of DT wandering around talking about Discord vaguely before Discord comes back. I feel like I got bait and switched! I'm not reading a good story, but I can see a good story from here, and I really wish the author would just take me over a little bit so we can see the good story better.
I was promised "Equestria is Doomed!", darn it!
> Typos
Seriously, turn on spell cheque on your browser. Even this reply has typos in it and you could probably do with a stint of having red squiggly lines underneath your wrong words.