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Aragon


Quoth the raven: "CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW" (Patreon)

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Jan
3rd
2015

This Is The Most Heartwarming Thing I've Ever Written · 1:05am Jan 3rd, 2015

“Aragón!” Mother said, opening the door and hugging the man who stood at the other side tightly. “You came! For a second, I was afraid you wouldn’t appear this year!”

“Uh-huh.” Aragón didn’t know if he should return the hug, so he just patted his mother on the back. “Totes. Heya, Mom.”

“Oh, I’m so glad to see you!” Mother hugged him even tighter. “How are you? Are you eating well? Do you have any girlfriend? Did you finally stop watching that horrible sh—”

Suddenly, silence.

Mother squinted. She was still pressing Aragón against her. “Please tell me you’re carrying a banana in your pocket. Please.

“What?” Aragón frowned. “No. Why would I carry a banana in my pocket? That’s a boner.”

“EW! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!” Mother pushed Aragón away and shivered. “DEAR FUCKING LORD, SON! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM! I DON’T SEE YOU FOR YEARS, AND YOU WELCOME ME WITH THAT?!

“Uh?” Aragón blinked. “Ah! Oh God, not because of you!” He took a step back and pressed a hand against his chest. “Are you crazy?! Have you seen you?” He flicked his hair to the side. “I’m way out of your league, woman!”

“YOU’RE POPPING A GIANT ERECTION WHILE HUGGING YOUR MOTHER YOU BASTARD!”

“Yes, but that’s just because I saw my reflection on a window outside.” Aragón rolled his eyes. “Geez. Calm the hell down. I’m not that sick yet.” Then he closed the door behind him and sighed. “Happy new year and all that, by the way. Are the others here?”

“I swear to God, I knew I should’ve ab—hm?” Mother scratched her cheek. “Yeah, your siblings are here, of course.”

“Cool!” Aragón walked to the hall and waved at his three siblings, all sitting on the sofa. “Hey, Miguel! Long time no see!”

“Yo.”

“Glad to meet again, María!”

“Heya.”

“Lookin’ as fine as ever, Captain Steel DickPuncher!”

ME PUNCHES DICKS.

“Ah, hah, hah.” Aragón crossed his arms and nodded. “Good old Captain Steel DickPuncher. Never change.”

ME DO NOTHING BUT PUNCH DICKS.

“Son?” An old man with a coffee mug in his hand entered the hall through the other door. The coffee mug said My Son is a Huge Disappointment but At Least He has Good Taste in Coffee Mugs.“Oh, fuck. You’re still alive?”

“Dad!” Aragón smiled and walked towards the man, arms stretched out. “Give me a hug!”

“Fuck no.” Dad sipped from his mug. “The day I show you any affection, hell freezes over.”

ME CAN PUNCH HIS DICK IF YOU WANT, DAD.

“No, no.” Dad waved a hand. “Don’t bother, Captain Steel DickPuncher. He’s not worth the effort.”

“Aw, come on, Dad.” Aragón rested his back against a wall and smirked at him. “You know you like me, deep inside.”

“Yes. Deep inside my asshole.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Because you’re a little shit.”

“Yeah, I got it when you said it the first time.”

ME CRAVES PUNCHING DICKS.

“So. Little shit.” Dad arched an eyebrow at Aragón. “Why the everloving shit are you here, and how can I make you go away as fast as possible?”

Aragón smirked even harder. “Hah. See? You’re willing to talk instead of using the shotgun! That means you love me now!”

“No, it means I learned my lesson last year.” Dad squinted. “You’re awfully good at dodging bullets.”

“Literally everybody who’s ever met me tried to shoot me at least twice after seeing me for the first time,” Aragón replied, shrugging. “Practice makes perfection, as they say. Anyway, as you might have guessed, I’m here for a reason.”

“Really?” Mother entered the hall too and stood by Dad’s side. “I thought you were here just to ruin your father’s holidays.”

“He did that the moment he was born,” Dad muttered. “All holidays, ever. Retroactively.”

“I agree that was also my intention,” Aragón agreed, agreeing with an agreeing agreement. HE AGREED. “But I mostly came here to ask for advice.”

Dad huffed. “I suggest drowning yourself in holy water. While on fire.”

“You didn’t even hear what I was having trouble with.”

“I know. That’s still my suggestion.”

“No, you see… It’s just, I feel like I’m lacking something big.” Aragón licked his lips and grabbed his elbows. It made him look sexy yet troubled. “Like… Well, you know, we’re in 2015 now.”

“Indeed.”

“Yes.”

ME FEELS THIS CONVERSATION LACKS PUNCHED DICKS.

“And, like, I really feel like I should say something.” Aragón scratched the back of his head. He still looked constipated. “Something good, you know? Something that makes a difference.”

Silence.

Dad frowned. “The fuck are you talking about?”

“A blog post.”

A collective groan filled the room. Even Captain Steel DickPuncher did it.

“Are you seriously seeing your family for the first time in five years just to asks us about that shitty website?” Mother asked, massaging her temples. “What in God’s name did we do wrong while raising you? Was it the beating? We beat you too often?”

“Or we didn’t beat you often enough,” Dad muttered. “Personally, I think we’re still in time to solve that issue.”

ME AGREES. ME CALLS DIBS ON HIS DICK.

“Third time I hear that line today,” Aragón muttered. “Anyway, yes. It’s about that website again. You see, I want to post something to celebrate the new year, but it’s my hundredth blog post, and—”

“We don’t care.”

“—and I want it to be as special as possible, because, well, it’s a big thing.” Aragón shook his head. “I don’t wanna waste it with some, I don’t know, some ‘Aragón visits his family for Christmas’ bullshit, you know?”

“We seriously don’t care.

“So what should I do?” Aragón made a pout. “Do you have any idea?”

Dad sipped from his coffee mug. ”Travel back in time and open your own head with a baseball bat.”

“I thought of talking about my latest story,” Aragón continued, “but there’s really not much to talk about it. Sure, it had some mid success; it turned into the fourth story of mine with over a thousand likes…” He frowned. “But there’s not that much into it, really. I just wrote it on a whim, and that’s that.”

“The fact that you’re popping a boner while talking to me about this bullshit makes me want to claw your insides out with my own hands and stuff you with formaldehyde.”

“So you don’t want to talk about your own story?” Mother asked.

“Nah. Like, I can’t say a thing about it, really.” Aragón shrugged. “Usually I’d do it, but… Nah. There’s better stuff out there, after all.”

ME REMEMBERS THE FIRST TIME ME PUNCHED A DICK. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. THERE WAS A DICK, AND THERE WERE PUNCHES, AND THERE WAS ME, AND IT WAS MAGICAL. ME IS AFRAIND OF BEING MONOTHEMATIC.

“Yeah.” Aragón nodded. “And—can you believe this?—not written by me!” Aragón chuckled. “There’s this guy I know, one big bastard, who—”

“If you know him, he’s automatically scum,” Dad said. “Everybody who’s ever had any contact with you should be obliterated. Including myself. This entire universe is stained by your presence. And you still have a boner. Why do you have a boner. Why are you torturing me like this.”

“Well. Yes.” Aragón nodded. “Yes, he is. And he has this story of his, you know? One he published not so long ago. I could talk about that one.”

Mother arched an eyebrow. “What would that accomplish?”

“Well, I’m fairly sure it would accomplish absolutely nothing.” Aragón shrugged. “My followers would think I’m a sell out trying to brown-nose someone who’s far better than me, and that guy would think I’m trying to get in his pants.”

“And you aren’t?”

“Of course I am!” Aragón said. “Why would read his stories otherwise? I’ve been trying to tap that ass for ages. I did every single trick in my book,” he added, biting his lips. “I’ve sent him flocks of my own hair, I’ve licked his eyeballs while he was sleeping, I’ve sexually assaulted his dog… And still, nothing! And I seriously doubt talking about that latest story of his would do anything good.”

DID YOU TRY TO PUNCH HIS DICK.

“That goes without saying, Captain Steel DickPuncher.”

ME JUST WANTED TO BE SURE.

“Well, then don’t talk about his fucking story,” Dad said. “See? Problem solved. I’m a genius. Get the fuck out.”

“But I wanna talk about that story!” Aragón said. “It’s funny, and it’s about Twilight dancing, and my followers might like it, and—”

“Wait.” Dad raised a hand to interrupt Aragón. “Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. People follow you?!”

“Yeah!” Aragón nodded. “Almost one thousand people follow me, actually!”

Silence.

“WHAT?!”

“Yeah! Isn’t it amazing?”

“HOW ON EARTH CAN ANYBODY BE DUMB ENOUGH TO WILLINGLY SPEND ANY TIME WITH YOU?!”

“Because they can’t see my face!” Aragón said. “A shame, though, seeing how hot I am.”

“THE MERE IDEA OF PEOPLE BEING NEAR YOU ON AN INTELLECTUAL LEVEL DISGUSTS ME!”

“But they like me!”

“THAT IS THE WORST SENTENCE I’VE EVER HEARD! OH GOD FOR SOME REASON I HATE YOU EVEN MORE NOW! I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS POSSIBLE!”

“Aw, Dad.” Aragón smiled. “You’re such a softie.”

“SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“Oh, dear, you’re making a fuss out of nothing!” Mother waved a hand. “You don’t hate him that much, do you? I mean, you’ve talked with him with over five minutes, and you’ve only threatened his life a couple times! That means you like him!”

“Oh my God!” Aragón’s smile was brighter than the sun. “Mother’s right! You love me!”

“THERE AREN’T ENOUGH WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE TO EXPLAIN HOW WRONG YOU ARE!”

“You like me!” Aragón repeated. “Look! I’m so happy I developed a second penis and popped another boner!”

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

ME LIKES THIS DEVELOPMENT BECAUSE IT MEANS ONE MORE DICK TO PUNCH.

Report Aragon · 776 views ·
Comments ( 31 )

The message of this story is that you should spend quality time with your family.

Are you related to Grif from RvB? that conversation sounds almost exactly like something that would happen to him.:rainbowlaugh:

I feel the need to share important information with you. Information you yourself started me on the path to discover. There are four Zecora sex fics on this site titled Jungle Fever, two of them the cover image is Zecora's butt. I hope putting this information in your head, in some small way, repays what you have shared with us today.

Is the moral of the story to spend quality time with my family because spending quality time with your family is a bad idea?

How high are you? If you aren't high, I'd hate to see you when you are! :twilightoops:

That's the funniest thing I've read this year!

2696845 Are you kidding me? I'd pay to see that! It would be freaking hilarious!

I'm writing a blog post dedicated to the fundamental reason why funny things are funny.

And then I read this and realized you had utterly destroyed hours of perfectly good, almost-lucid rambling with an inane mess that made me crack a rib laughing and disproved any notion I had of forming a consistent hypothesis.

No, seriously, it's cracked, and my Western hospital won't accept your shitty pesetas. Apparently that's because you use the euro now, but I know you changed your currency fifteen years ago just so you didn't have to fucking pay for the rib you broke just now.

It's be just fucking like you.


Oh. I see you've paid me in plugs. Good show.

Glad to hear your bro Miguel is doing well as the comic relief, how's the llama gig working out?

So, it's close to being like Quennel's Mom.

Tears lid down my face at this metaphor of hope, love, lust, insanity and loss which you have woven together with these words. My life, though may be a lie has ever been changed by this post. All things in account flows so well together to show the tragedy of the modern human in his asinine state. To this, I have only one quote to convey all my feelings you have brought out of solitude:
"In the name of the Prophet--figs!!"
--Cry of the Turkish fig-peddler

2696924

I'm writing a blog post dedicated to the fundamental reason why funny things are funny.
And then I read this and realized you had utterly destroyed hours of perfectly good, almost-lucid rambling with an inane mess that made me crack a rib laughing and disproved any notion I had of forming a consistent hypothesis.

Hey, I wanna read that! Just post it, and then link this bullshit at the end and say "Aragón doesn't follow the rules because he's dumb." Pretty sure that would work.

My Son is a Huge Disappointment but At Least He has Good Taste in Coffee Mugs

Words for eternity.

i need to make that mug

This Is The Most Heartwarming Thing I've Ever Written

Yes, it is. Makes you put your whole writing career into perspective, does it not?

Also, congratulations on one hundred blogs!

It is kind of disappointing you put Chekhov's gun in there and never set it off. Fracking red herring.

2696765 The only thing that I got from this is that I need to start calling my older brother Captain Steel DickPuncher.

He also has strange hobbies.

This made my morning XD

This made my day.

When you write stuff like this, it's a hard call as to whether your blogs or stories are funnier! :rainbowlaugh:

So you have stories on Equestria Daily? What are they?

2701866 What's Twilight saying in your avatar?

2696878 Where did you get the icon for your avatar? Or did I already ask you that?

2697155 Where did you get the icon for your avatar?

2710061 It's on my profile, actually. In the box to the top right.

2710063 I took it from an RDP panel.

WHAT.
THE.
LITERAL.
FUCK!

Aragón licked his lips and grabbed his elbows. It made him look sexy yet troubled.

I know it's a bit late now, but I think Aragón would have looked much sexier if he'd grabbed his lips and licked his elbows instead.

It appears the link is dead.

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