The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Thingy Things · 6:11pm Dec 15th, 2014
I saw the new Hobbit film! Yeah, that was a thing. If you like a 2 hour fight scene, then this is the film for you! There was a lot to like but I found myself clock-watching quite a bit during it. Can you guess which are real spoilers and which are hilarious fake ones:
Smaug dies in the pre-title sequence
They accidentally film a page of Peter Jackon's fanfic from when he was 12, when Gandalf is rescued by the X-Men teamup of Galadrial, Elrond and Christopher Lee who must fight the Ringwraiths! Radaghast turns up late, having popped round the back to get the car (his rabbit sled). Then Sauron turns up and they have to fight him too!
Christopher Lee does kung-fu and somersaults everywhere
Thrushes talking to people is silly and so was removed from the adaption. But ravens talking to people is perfectly fine.
The orcs team up with the sand worms from Dune
Legolas has gained the power to defy physics and can run up falling masonry in midair.
Orcs and goblins are literally made of paper. It is not unreasonable for one character, even a peasant, to cut through 50 of them in one go.
The chief orcs have 1000 hit points and are practically invincible. Thankfully they stay nowhere near the battle.
Bard just vanishes from the film about 3/4s through, but not before he has SURFED ON A CART TOWARDS A MONSTER!
Thorin gains the ability to spawn fully armored battle goats using only the power of his mind
Radagast saves the day by summoning eagles and air-dropping Beorn at the attacking Orc army. This is so efficient we don't even need to see the army be defeated, we can just assume it is.
Beorn, the shape changing bear guy, is only in the film for five seconds. His actual role in the story is given to Legolas.
There are only four armies
trick question. all of the statements are true.
That's definitely in the movie... I've seen it in so many animes.
2655160 Trick trick question, all of them are true - about The Hobbit Part IV: The Unexpected Reckoning.
It was the fantastic four, not the xmen! Although I can see why you think it was Gene Grey... she does have a limit break / go super cyan (I don't know how to spell that) half wait through... I think you're being mean though, this was the best school panto I've been to in a while. It even had a bloke in drag, and I got to shout "it's behind you!"
Well, that's slightly better than the ONE HUNDRED GOBLIN MERCENARIES who turn up for about 3 seconds and then are never spoken about again. That took about 1 drunk dwarf plus his bored mate to take them out. Off screen.
The best bit in the entire movie was the "fuck this for a game of checkers" druid who bear-bombed the orcs and proceeded to fuck their shit up.
The jury's still out on which army was the five army, because I think I counted six? I thought the fifth army was the fifth column coming out of zahadum. You know, the one where the other two elves trecked for fucking ages to get to, before ringing their doorbell and fucking off again, laughing?
2655310
Yeah I don't know why the elves went to Zahadum either. "Oh, that is nice, it is an old building. Let's go back now."
I liked the ending when Legolas was told to go find Strider. And by the time of Fellowship of the Rings he clearly hasn't yet, and is only at the council of Elrond as his dad sent him. He probably just slunk home after this film to play on his DS in his room.
2655344
Naa, his dad was like "son, get off your backside and go down the shops for some nosh you little shit or I'll slap the points off your ears" and he was like "yeah sure dad I'll get right on it" but instead spent his pocket money on booze and fags and nipped round the back of the stables for a bit of a smoke and a quickie with Play Elf.
Yeah, they kinda... went all that way, had a big build up stating how terribly important it was that they go in... and then they just kind of didn't. Also apparently we all now know the airforce beats the marines? because fucking eagles, man. Also why didn't they shai'hulud the fuck out of the pretender kiddy human army, not to mention the poncy elves? They could've just brought half the fucking mountain down with those giant sandworms.
I think that's why Bard disappeared though. He was too busy having a bit of a girly cry out the back when the real men showed up.
2655355
"These bats... were bred... FOR WAR!"
...But they're not very good at it
2655417
Oh shit I totally forgot about the bats!
just like the script writer, director, filmographer and everyone else ever
I don't think I've hated a film as much as this since Transformers 2.
And I liked the first Hobbit film. I really, really did. Siiiigh
2655490
I don't think I hated it... but then I didn't really bother with either of the first two films in the new trilogy either. It was okay, but it felt very... much like a panto. The latest Narnia movie felt the same way - kind of like the old skool bbc miniseries, just with a better budget and bigger sets (although still made out of paper mache). Kind of a 'this happened in the book so we're doing it too' thing, which just goes to show that not altering a book and then doing a movie of something is also bad. I guess.
2655522 I guess hated might have been the wrong word to use here -- disappointed would've been closer to the mark. Or crushed. The difference between Hobbit 3 and Transformers 2 is that my expectations for the latter were rock bottom, whereas I've been wishing for a Hobbit movie ever since I was 7 or 8. And when we finally get one (or three), it's made by someone who I can only assume hated hated hated the book, and only made it halfway through before skipping straight to the wikipedia plot summary, and then saying to himself, "NEEDS MORE GIANT EARTHWORMS. NEEDS MORE DWARF/ELF LOVE SCENES."
And to think that this time 11 years ago Peter Jackson directing the Hobbit would've seemed like the best news ever!
Also, I hear you on Narnia, those films were impressively average. Although watching them, I at least got the feeling that the people making them enjoyed the books and wanted to do them justice.
How? How did you see it before me? My bio is a countdown till the movie release! How?
Also, I just know that you *told* us that they were somewhat fake, but you probably want us to believe they're all fake... But... Stop with the mind games! Also, how can I die before the pre-title sequence?
2655535
the transformers movies have all been impressively average. None of them really do the whole big robot thing all that well. Maybe in ten years when they reboot it again? It feels like they shoehorn a lot of robots that die-hard fans should know in to cameos that nobody else understands or, understandably given the screen time, cares about.
About Hobbit, though... I'm not sure if it's exactly what it was supposed to be; fanfiction of a much greater work that just happens to have been written by the same author. For kids.
2655542
Actually, the Hobbit came first, and then Tolkien's publisher kept pestering him for a sequel. Voila~ The Lord of the Rings.
2655540
It is out in America last! I think everywhere else has it already
2655566 Also, you've got it wrong with Peter Jackson's fanfic. He wasn't actually a fan of the books when he made the movie, or any time before. Anyway, please tell me if I die in title sequence. Please, mighty Blueshift?
2655587 Don't worry, Smaug wins in the film, and it ends with him eating Bilbo and wearing the One Ring.
Damn it, man. This is the whole movie, isn't it? This is it, and nothing you said was false, was it? People wonder why I still bootleg my movies. Who the hell would want to support this kind of shit in any way?
Note: I'm sorry that you supported this kind of shit with your movie going monies. I assume that you had the best of intentions in mind.
<---Problem?
Best review ever.
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I don't think the movie backers would've gone for "let's make a funny trilogy". Though you're right, I do remember a lot more whimsy in the hobbit. More fantasy, less high. Haven't read LotR or hobbit in years. I do recall that LotR was weighty, and it does have its flaws but it's better realized than a lot of more modern novels. It's simplistic in approach though, for all the depth to the world.
2655550
Interesting. For some reason I was of the opinion LotR was written first... I guess the analogy works taken the other way too, though - LotR was the serious try after the first initial success.
I am not surprised. The Hobbit is much shorter than even two of the Lord of the Rings books put together. Making it a trilogy of movies was a bit silly.