There's a Dick Joke Subtly Hidden in This Blog · 11:02pm Dec 9th, 2014
You write too many blog posts.
I clench my fist. My frown deepens. The computer screen looks back at me, and it seems like it’s laughing at me. Kind of hard for something without a mouth, but… Look, I’m just being poetic here, okay. Of course it doesn’t look like it’s laughing. It’s a fucking screen. It looks square, and that’s it.
You write too many blog posts.
I bare my teeth, just like a dog in front of the mirror. Dogs do that because when they see their reflection, they think there’s a different dog in front of them. God, dogs are retarded. I hate them so much. Like, they’re cute and all but come fucking on, they eat their own poop. Like, they look forward to eating their own poop! You can’t justify that!
Oh, who am I kidding, I like dogs. They’re so adorable, the little assholes. But I still think they’re fucking stupid.
You write too many blog posts.
Wait, what. Oh. Oh, right, shit. For a second I forgot I’m doing this noir-esque narration of what’s going through my mind. Okay, let’s get my mojo back. I was angry, wasn’t I? Yeeah that sounds right. Ahem.
I sneer at the computer screen and cross my arms. I don’t write too many blog posts, I say. Or, like, I think it? I’m pretty sure I’m not actually talking. I’m just, well, narrating.
Hah. Narrating. See that, asshole voice that’s accusing me of writing too many blogs? I can use italics too. Hah, hah. Fuck you. Man, I love italics. It’s like, they give whatever you’re writing this special tone, you know? Very cool. Hip as shit. Hip as shit. See? It’s so cool.
You write too many blog posts.
Oh, cut me some slack! I don’t write too many blog posts, you twat! I wrote exactly the right amount of blog posts! Not all my followers read them. But some do. Some are maybe looking a little forward to them. That makes them worth it.
You write too many blog posts.
Fuck you, Asshole Voice. Just… Just fuck you, and fuck your repetition, and fuck the insecurity you represent. I can write anything I want. I can do whatever I choose to do. And they read them, don’t they?
You’re annoying them.
Oh, now you’re doing that? They read them. I’m telling you, if they thought they’re annoying, they’ll ignore them. But they don’t. They keep reading. Maybe most of them won’t read the entire thing, but I don’t care.
And you know what? Because I’m good at this shit. Because I’m confident in my ability to actually make them go “oh, another blog post? By him? Guess I’ll check it out." Because you DON’T FUCKING MATTER. Oh, sorry, was that too bold for you?
Did you just make a pun.
No. Yes. Maybe. Shut up.
You planned this entire fucking blog just so you could say that, didn’t you.
Look, maybe I did that. So what? I’m sure it was worth it!
You’re getting cocky. You’re getting confident. You’re assuming your readers won’t leave you if you keep doing this kind of bullshit.
Oh, no, no. I know what I’m doing. You see, I know I’m getting cocky lately. I’m working on a lot of stories, but they take time, and people are not seeing results. That’s why I write blog posts. But that makes me look like an egotistical asshole.
Well. Yes. Yes, it does.
But, cockiness aside, people always root for the underdog. I just need to make them feel like I’m a total fucking loser, and they’ll immediately think I’m cool again. That’s why I hired a mime to hit me in the face with his flaccid penis as I write this.
Wait. What.
I smile. Oh, you weren’t expecting this, were you, asshole voice? I caught you by surprise. Yeah, I still believe in my readers.
What the fuck are you talking about.
I’m ready to answer. I lean on my seat, my hands on the keyboard.
And then, the mime, the fucking mime who’s been doing god knows what all this time, he fucking remembers he’s here.
With a single thrust his hips come right next to my head. Almost in slow motion I see his flaccid penis drawing an arch in the air, gracefully landing on my cheek, the tip of that French’s baguette softly rubbing against my lip.
The mime looks at me and smiles, his schlong still there, and oh my fucking god did a fucking mime just fucking slap me with his dick. Did. Did that just happen.
This wasn’t a good idea.
Oh my God he’s not moving. Like, the fucking dick is still there. THE MIME IS SMILING.
DUDE WHAT THE FUCK.
I DON’T KNOW IT’S LIKE THE DICK IS GLUED TO MY FACE OR SOMETHING. OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE THE MIME IS STILL LAUGHING.
HOLY CRAP DUDE DO SOMETHING.
I’M TRYING! OH GOD I THINK THE MIME SUPERGLUED HIS DICK TO MY FACE.
WHY DID YOU EVEN HIRE THAT FUCKING MIME, THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ALL DEEP AND SHIT.
I DON’T KNOW, MAN! HEAT OF THE MOMENT!
YOU DON’T ASK A FRENCH MUTE TO DICKSLAP YOU IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT!
WELL MAYBE WE SHOULDN’T DWELL IN THE PAST SO MUCH!
YOU HAVE A DICK IN YOUR FACE!
I FUCKING KNOW THAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
TELL THE MIME TO GO AWAY OR SOMETHING!
YEAH HE’S NOT ANSWER---wait. Oh, for fuck’s sake.
What?
He’s answering, but, like, he’s answering in a mime way. He’s mimicking some shit. Oh God I don’t have time for this.
But what is he saying?
I don’t know. I think he says he’s trapped in an invisible box. God, I hate mimes.
Then why the fuck did you hire one?
Because I wanted to be an underdog! Seemed like a good idea!
You get more and more pathetic by the hour.
Come on, man! I’m just not good at being deep, okay?
Yeah, sure. You know what? I’m out of here. Go fuck yourself.
Uh. I already did that.
…What?
Yeah. In a previous blog post. And then I had a foursome with myself, too.
Oh.
…
…
…
You seriously write too many blog posts.
OH, COME ON!
This is my way to say that my arm is better so I'm writing again.
Also, sorry if I write too many blog posts. I get nervous if I don't post things in this website every week or so. But maybe lately I'm getting too blog-happy? I don't know. If I am, please tell me, I seriously don't wanna bother people with this kind of stuff.
btw, where'd you find the mime?
I lost it so hard I think I woke up the people below me...
2643172 Get them to read it.
No matter what Asshole Voice or anyone else says, you don't write "too many" blog posts. You write just enough, all of which are entertaining, and nine times out of ten (if not more) I read the whole thing. Keep them up!
Such poetry, such beauty, such wond-
*SMACK*
...
I think I have Mimes.
Whadda twist! Always one step ahead, huh?
2643167
I foreshadow like a motherfucker.
Don't worry. You write half as many blog posts as you could, twice as often as you should, but I only read half of them nine-tenths of the way through, one-third as often as they deserve. Usually twice.
Hope your skin grows quickly.
2643197 Hehe.
I think you're fine on the blog angle. And remember, if the mime's penis is glued to your face, the opposite is also true. You can make him regret it.
You write to many blog post as in "Why are his blog post more funny than most comedic fics here. I thought it was fanfic site. Well I guess funny blog/fic site is nice too."
In other words: continue
2643219 Ah. But didn't the last one talk about how Aragon thought his life sucked? Wait a second...
I first thought that Annoying Voice was Emo Aragon from a few blog posts back getting back at you for the horrible sex, and just like, hiding or something. Given that it apparently isn't, going to have disappointing sex with it too?
And congratulations: that is the first time someone has ever given me the mental image of getting dick-slapped in the face by a French mime.
Pfft, I enjoy your blog posts for what they are. You being ridiculous and hilarious and letting us know you're not dead and perhaps a small way of saying that you'd like validation and ego cookies.
I don't think you write too many blogposts. They are often fun to read.
...They aren't cutting into your story-writing time are they? Because if that happens, then we have a problem.
"I will take Quote Context for $600 please, Alex."
2643200
"What is 'Phrase you should never say in reply to a post about flaccid penises'?"
Yeah, I want a love story in blog posts between you and that other Aragon from a previous blog post that you had disappointing sex with. LET THERE BE DRAMA. LET THERE BE ROMANCE!
Nah, these things are fun to read. I especially liked the Silver Spoon going through an existential crisis.
So, yeah. The blogs are fine. Some are a tad disturbing.
I'm starting to wonder about your fascination with boning yourself, though. Wait... [Dunks head in bucket of bleach]... never mind I'm good. Continue writing.
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2643188
I think I have MIMEs too!
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I think I found the dick joke
Oh and another!
Okay, not as subtle. Oh, hey, another!
I should probably stop taking your titles literally. And commenting on things before I finish them.
Wait, did I just see an innuendo there too? I think I have a problem.
2644423
The first one is the subtly hidden one, which is all the title promised.
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/260/b/f/it_begins____by_mrfugums-d4a42vj.gif
Dude, there is no way you could write too many blog posts
your blog posts are absolutely amazing
now go and write more blog posts
or write some more stories
that would work too
2645565
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/375041/i-hate-writers-block-teenager-silver-spoon-preview-only-not-really-a-preview-so-fear-no-spoilers-i-guess
Here's the link. Go crazy.