Bradel Writes Reviews #3 · 12:14am Nov 23rd, 2014
This week:
"Awaken, Scootaloo" by xjuggernaughtx
"Three Solos and One Cadance" by InquisitorM
"Two Pair" by Potential Albatross
"Of the Valley" by Archonix
"More Than You Know" by Obselescence
"Awaken, Scootaloo" by xjuggernaughtx
[Slice of Life]
Dreams are such delicate things, and Scootaloo’s are more fragile than most. But in Equestria, dreams are protected. Sometimes a filly just needs a helping hoof to learn how to hope again.
Technical
There's surprisingly little to say here. This story isn't particularly masterful in its execution of anything—but (and I consider this a far bigger deal) it's very competent at everything. The prose doesn't sparkle, but it does stay pretty light and transparent. The character work on Scootaloo and Luna isn't perfect, but it's good and their voices are nicely canon-consistent. The story's hook isn't so compelling you need to keep reading, but it's good nonetheless. Scene choice isn't very surprising, but it's good. Pacing, same. Description, same. Et cetera.
I suppose this is an interesting test case for my scoring system. What do I give a story that demonstrates good technique across the board without being exceptional in any particular respect? I think I'd give that story a 4/5. Unfortunately, there's one little spot here that sours me and I think I'll have to go a bit lower. xjuggernaughtx incorporates some fanon on Scootaloo's family situation that, while presented well, really comes out of the blue with no foreshadowing inside the story. It threw me out for a few moments, and I found myself fairly disappointed by it. It is, I feel, his only real misstep in what's otherwise a very technically proficient story.
3.5/5
Creative
This story does a nice job connecting a couple pieces of canon, in a way that feels consistent with the show—honestly, this feels like it could piece into canon smoothly. Again, I have a bit of a hard time rating this because there's very little new on display here, but at the same time xjuggernaughtx is drawing a connection I hadn't thought about and closing the circle on some of Scootaloo's issues.
There's a little bit of creativity tossed in with Scootaloo's family situation and fleshing out what happens to her when she's off-screen in the show. I feel like some of this got shoehorned in and could have been foreshadowed better, but that's a technical issue, and the character-building itself is pretty sound. The one other thing this story does, and generally does well, is to take on the idea of depression. I've seen better and more thorough treatments of depression in pony fiction, but xjuggernaughtx still does a good job with it, and uses it to tie the plot together.
All in all, the creativity here feels like a collection of smaller ideas, executed well.
3/5
Satisfaction
Having a small amount of experience with depression myself—my parents and I have all, at one point or another, received diagnoses for it; but none of us have needed long-term treatment—it's perhaps unsurprising that I've got a real soft spot for Luna and Scootaloo, the show's two best characters for dealing with depression (in my opinion). In particular, I really like stories that give Scootaloo a little hope, which she often seems to be lacking in the show.
For me, the limited scope here and the fanon shoehorning are the main points detracting from my satisfaction. Seeing Scootaloo and Luna together is nice, but narrowing the focus so much doesn't give me a lot to get interested in. It's a problem of stakes—all that's really on the table here is one aspect of Scootaloo's happiness. Other aspects are discussed, but this story doesn't really tackle them except to mention them. No resolution is given on those points, and "Awaken, Scootaloo" barely even points to a way forward. At 6500 words, that's understandable—but it does leave me wanting more, and I think this story might have worked better if it had been given some front material setting up Scootaloo's situation and some more resolution (particularly with Rainbow, and with the family situation) at the end. All that said, though, I really like how xjuggernaughtx closes out the story, and the poignancy there makes up a bit for the scope issue.
3.5/5
Overall
Short, sweet, and solid.
Recommended for: fans of Scootaloo and Luna, and anyone interested in mental health.
"Three Solos, One Cadence" by InquisitorM
[Adventure]
Cadance, Discord, and Fluttershy walk into a blizzard, but it's no laughing matter: there's something out there, buried beneath centuries of ice. But it's going to take teamwork to find it, and it's not the Princess of Love nor the Lord of Chaos that are holding all the cards. What's more, somepony predicted everything that is about to happen, and it turns out that history has an unexpected cadence.
Technical
InquisitorM shows some very good skill with character perspective. This story prominently involves an OC, Frostbite, and he manages to really inhabit her perspective. The narrative notices what she would notice, dwells on what she would dwell on, and provides detail where she would think about details. It's a pleasure to read someone doing this so well. Beyond that, the prose here is solid. Good variation of rhythm and sentence length to indicate levels of tension. Good inclusion of details to flesh out scenes and characters.
Unfortunately, there are some structural issues here which are hard to overlook. "Three Solos, One Cadance" is presented as a pair of stories the reader flips between, and how those stories connect isn't made clear until late in the piece. And as much as I enjoy both parts of this story—the OC side, especially—they really don't join up very well in the end. That, and the very different flavor of the two sections, leaves "Three Solos" feeling jumbled and confused. I also had some issues with Cadance's characterization earlier on, but it turns out that this characterization is one of the central points of the story, so in hindsight I can't really complain about it.
All in all, good writing and some very nice perspective work that's worth paying attention to, if you're interested in the craft. But the imbalance in structure weakens the story's ability to connect, and the joint resolution of the two stories doesn't quite hit the thematic notes it's aiming for.
3.5/5
Creative
This story has a chunk of Crystal Empire worldbuilding, which is always fun. Some of it falls flat—the previous ruler of the Empire is an interesting idea, but she's presented in a way that doesn't give the reader much to engage with. Some of it works very well, though—specifically in the areas where the worldbuilding in "Three Solos" has to interface with canon. I find that interesting. I'd usually expect good solo worldbuilding and weak connections to canon, not vice versa.
InquisitorM also spends a lot of time on characterization for Cadance and Discord, and does a good job with it. Like I mentioned above, the early work with Cadance (and to a lesser extent Discord) feels a bit spotty, but it's to a purpose and I think the story pays it off well. This is also some nice, classic Discord with good use of visual gags in text. That's hard to pull off, but like "Forever Young" last week, I feel like this story handles it well.
The real star on the creative side, though, is the story's primary OC: Frostbite. She carries about half of the 9500 words here, and she's probably the most fun part of it. That's helped enormously by InquisitorM's perspective work and his ability to establish tension in her scenes. This is how you sell your reader an OC.
4/5
Satisfaction
Unfortunately, this story just doesn't stick the landing, and that leaves me far less satisfied than I'd like to be. And despite the generally solid writing in "Three Solos", there are some spots where the narrative just feels a bit confused, where I lose track of characters or actions, particularly in Cadance's half of the narrative. A lot of this weakness, I think, stems from InquisitorM's reluctance to make promises to the reader early on. He leaves Cadance & Co.'s motivation very obscured, but still tries to communicate that it's something important. Juxtaposed with the Frostbite half of the story—where motivation is much clearer and tension is always high—the Cadance half is left adrift. It's hard to pay off promises when you try to avoid making them.
2/5
Overall
I enjoyed the writing and the ideas here, and there's some fun character work that's worth checking out. Unfortunately, the lack of narrative focus holds this back from being a better story.
Recommended for: readers who like character studies, writers looking to improve their craft.
"Two Pair" by Potential Albatross
[Romance] [Comedy]
Certain alicorns have no regard for the rules of space and time. An astral sub-dimension becomes a potent weapon in what appears to be a divine prank war. Shining Armor hits the sauce.
Technical
This story has a nice, solid hook. It doesn't take more than a couple hundred words before Potential Albatross establishes that he's dealing with time-traveling alicorns hunting each other. Although the why behind that never really becomes clear, it's undoubtedly a compelling premise. The prose is pretty good, though occasionally prone to some adverb over-use and thought-exposition. Use of perspective is good for the Shining Armor sections, though the other characters remain less distinct and there are a couple perspective drifts between Twilight and Luna.
Unfortunately, the narrative in "Two Pair" doesn't stay especially focused. This story exists primarily as an exploration of (with future alicorns) and impetus for (with present alicorns) TwiLuna shipping, and it loses site of the more interesting question of why Twilight and Luna are jumping through time. There's also some good character work that, paradoxically, sort of undermines the story. Future Twilight is presented as a very alien creature, which is an interesting authorial choice, but results in making her flatter and less engaging overall. Also, the TwiLuna romance in this story is first presented through Shining Armor's eyes, and he has a very negative reaction to it. Potential Albatross does a good enough job portraying his reaction that I was never quite able to get past that reaction myself, which made it a lot harder for me to care about the primary romance angle in this story.
2.5/5
Creative
A lot of stories on Fimfiction—and while I enjoy shipping stories, I do think they're particularly prone to this problem—are so stock in scenario and character that you could find five or ten of them, all essentially the same modulo prose quality. There are different ways to escape this trap, and in shipping stories I think the particular combination that works best is to mix a few creative ideas with some deep character analysis, much like "Maidens Day", which I reviewed last week.
"Two Pair" takes the same route toward originality, and while it's not quite as successful on that front as "Maidens Day", I think it's definitely the biggest strength here. Potential Albatross is using a big toybox to assemble this story: time travel, a chase, mistaken identities, depressed Luna, romantic confusion, mortality issues, etc. And he's doing some good character work with Shining Armor, Present-Twilight, and Present-Luna; the latter of two get a bit of exploration as the story builds to its climax.
The lack of narrative direction makes the story suffer a little, with exciting ideas left largely unexplored. But overall, this is not a story I would ever think to write, and I find that pretty praiseworthy.
4/5
Satisfaction
Almost identically to "Three Solos, One Cadence" above, my satisfaction with this story gets spoiled by the lack of direction. The hook focuses on alicorns out of time, but the story never really pays off the promises it sets up in the first two scenes. It does manage to become a solid TwiLuna romance creation story, but that's a late comer to the expectations race here, and not the payoff I was looking for.
"Two Pair" also gets hung up on its tags. This story is supposed to be a romantic comedy—and yes, humor is subjective—but I found very little funny in this story. There's a scene where Shining Armor gets drunk that, I think, is supposed to be one of the comedic high points here; for me it just fell flat. Shining Armor accrued too much of my sympathy early on, dealing with these unsettling future alicorns, for me to take much pleasure in seeing him brought low. The humor does seem to play better for other people than it does for me, but I suspect I won't be the only reader who ends up boggling at the comedy tag here.
1.5/5
Overall
A mish-mash of cool ideas that remains interesting, even if it never quite gels.
Recommended for: TwiLuna fans and readers interested in creative premises.
"Of the Valley" by archonix
[Sad] [Slice of Life]
Sooner or later, everyone finds their way to Roseluck's flower stall. And then they leave.
Technical
Generally speaking, this is some of the better prose I've seen on Fimfiction. It's not always transparent, and there are some adverb and word repetition issues (that are occasionally quite glaring—in one spot, 'slowly' is used three times in a two-sentence paragraph and 'slowed' is used once in the following sentence), but when the prose works, it provides some very nice tension and imagery.
There's also a lot of theme work in this piece, which is fun to read in pony fiction. Unfortunately, unless you know the game in advance, it's hard to escape feeling like someone's hitting you with an invisible hammer of subtext. The line between text and subtext occasionally goes blurry, too, and in spots, it can be hard to pick out which statements are meant to have surface meaning and which are meant as metaphors or implications. Let's just say that if you know what a psychopomp is, this story is going to be a whole lot easier to understand.
3.5/5
Creative
Another hard one to evaluate. This is a core concept story, like a number of the other ones I've reviewed so far. Beyond the basic Roseluck-as-psychopomp idea, there's a bit of fairly typical Twilight and Celestia characterization, and a bit of characterization on this particular interpretation of Roseluck herself. In a story that's only a couple thousand words long, though, there's not much room for more than that.
2/5
Satisfaction
I think that satisfaction with this story depends a lot on whether you see what archonix is doing. If you do, this is a very nice piece of work. If you don't—and I didn't, the first time I read it—you spend most of the story trying to figure out what was and wasn't supposed to be important, and the overall subtext he was trying to convey. This can be very distracting, especially given the constant mix of cigars-that-are-just-cigars and cigars-that-mean-you-need-a-better-penis. The flower symbolism, in particular, tends to distract. Some of it is stated openly in the text. Some flowers are apparently used with no symbolic meaning. And some are implied to have meaning which is never clearly stated. The juxtaposition of Saturday as being a time with existential meaning and as being a time when some ponies sleep late also brought a bit of an eyebrow raise.
From some discussion in comments, I think this is archonix's intention with the piece—to leave open questions for the reader to explore—but I feel like this could be a better story if he cleared up some of the ambiguity inherent here. That said, I can't deny that I found this story thought-provoking. It was one of the principal inspirations for my own story, "The Rose". Which, come to think of it, has received a few similar criticisms. Oh well, we're all only equine human.
3.5/5
Overall
More arthouse than blockbuster, but it sticks with you and makes you think.
Recommended for: readers who like subtext and imagery, and anyone who knows the word 'psychopomp'.
"More Than You Know" by Obselescence
[Dark]
Princess Celestia has been keeping a dark secret from her subjects for a very long time. It's not an easy truth to tell, but if anyone can accept her after learning it, it will surely be her most faithful student.
Technical
I commented last week that I didn't know anyone in pony fiction who wrote prose of such quality that their work with imagery could better simply staying transparent. Obselescence is one of very few authors to make me question that opinion. His work here could be tighter—there are some unnecessary adverbs, and a bit more exposition-through-description than I think is strictly necessary—but "More Than You Know" is a very enjoyable read.
In fact, and I'll come to this later, I'd say it's too enjoyable. Obselescence really digs into the toolbox here, in an effort to make this story dark. The choice to use Celestia and a young, naive Twilight. The selection of scenes and chronicling of Twilight's reactions. The slowly building discomfort that is intentionally left formless by making an innocent the moral center of the story. This is fantastic work. But it's also basically propaganda.
5/5
Creative
"More Than You Know" is yet another story framed around one core idea. I seem to be reading a lot of that, but I suppose that's probably most of what you find in the 8-12 thousand word range on Fimfiction. It's a small idea—Celestia has a forgetting spell—but it's explored well. Sort of.
Essentially, Obselescence is chronicling a large philosophical argument here, but he's only giving one side of that argument. And, rather interestingly, the argument comes out looking unnaturally weak because its presentation is designed to make the reader uncomfortable with it. That means the story never really digs beyond the surface of the argument, because there's no one to provide an opposing viewpoint . It works very well as writing, but it's also manipulative in a way I dislike. Celestia makes some very good points here, and that gets lost in the story's play for existential horror.
Besides the central idea, characterization of Celestia and Twilight is good here, but also cliched. The story is happy to stick to tropes instead of challenging its characters to grow. In the end, I feel like this is a story most authors on this site could have written—it's just that few of them could have written it this well.
1.5/5
Satisfaction
While I have difficulty with the propagandist bent of "More Than You Know", this story is still one of the best pieces of pony fiction I've found for making the reader think. The structure of the argument Obselescence presents draws the reader inexorably toward one particular viewpoint, but the reader still has to think to get there. Twilight can't challenge Celestia, so that task is left to the reader's own mind.
Aside from the argumentation issue, though, this is a very enjoyable read. Excellent prose, and a scenario which feels perfectly plausible. Like I said above, Obselecence knows how to choose his scenes well. I find the thematic effect jarring, but the narrative itself is rock solid. Unless you're like me and want a deep exploration of hard philosophical issues, this story delivers on every point it ought to.
4.5/5
Overall
Unsettling and potentially aggravating, but absolutely worth your time.
Recommended for: general audiences.
I pretty much agree with you about the stories above that I've read. Though I might quibble on some parts of More Than You Know. Of the ones I haven't read, one was already on my to-read list and another one got added. Which is a pretty good result for reading a review post. Normally I end up adding 2-3 stories onto the to-read list.
I have to admit, the moment I read 'Roseluck-as-psychopomp' in your review I went and read the story.
I should have kept going long enough for you to get to the bit about Twilight and Celestia characterization. Or even looked at the character tags. That was a sad surprise.
As I told xjuggernaughtx, (and he more or less agreed), Awaken, Scootaloo just felt painfully... Predictable? It's just, great but not amazing in every category.
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Glad to know I'm picking stuff you find interesting!
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I'd actually never heard of a psychopomp before I read the story the first time, so I was fairly confused by the whole thing. When I read it again, a day or two ago, the story worked much better. But yeah, it definitely has a dark edge to it that can make for uncomfortable reading—perhaps most of all because it's kept so light and told through implication rather than melodrama. Letting readers fill in their own details seems to make for harder, more impactful reading in a lot of cases, I think.
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I dunno, I'm not a big fan of 'painfully' in that sentence. I agree that it's predictable, but I do think it's well done. Like "More Than You Know", it's a story you could see from any number of different authors. It's dealing with very standard bits of Luna's and Scootaloo's characters. But I do still think it's a fun read, and well crafted. I definitely did enjoy reading that one.
2611660 perhaps painfully is too harsh. What I mean is, looking at the description and the (excellent) cover art, I figured it would be about Luna showing up in Scootaloo's dreams to help her with her inner demons and then Scoots would (probably) be able to fly. And that's exactly what happened. Because exactly what I expected happened, I didn't really feel any punch.
Also, just want to reiterate that xjuggernaughtx is one of my best friends on this site and I'm not personally attacking him.
2611962
Well, the story doesn't actually end with Scootaloo being able to fly. There is a pretty good chance that she doesn't pull it off with that try at the end. The story was less about her being able to fly and more how she views success/failure. When she jumps there at the end, it's about that win or lose she's not going to let it drag her down anymore.
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Don't worry, ST. I don't feel attacked by either what you or Bradel has to say about this story. It's just different perspectives, and I like that window into how other people view what I write. Each review or interaction gives me a few more tools in my toolbox to make the next one better.
Singularity Dream (it's hard not saying City of Doors) has it right here. It's not a story about flight. It's about dealing with what weighs you down. That's the biggest reason why I ended it where I did. The actual flying really isn't important.
That bit with Scoot's aunt really seems to stick in the craw of a lot of critics. I'm curious to know how the average reader feels about it. Personally, I find it to be an essential element of the story. It's the root of what Scootaloo's problem is, and the whole story falls apart if they don't get to that. Everything else would be a band-aid.
However, I will admit that I erred by not beefing it up, apparently. It's just a tolerance difference that I seem to have versus a lot of critical readers. I don't really need resolution to things. This is a story about Scootaloo and Luna. Spending four thousand words on her aunt is overly-burdening the story, in my opinion. Plenty of people would say, "Well, then you should cut her entirely." I understand their perspective, but I don't agree with it. It doesn't bother me at all to have loose threads because it shows that life is going on. The whole idea here is that Scootaloo has to work on things. She's getting better, but she's not there yet. The thing with her aunt is an extension of that.
But I understand that I'm in the minority there. Almost every critical review hates that part, so it leaves me off-kilter. I suppose that if I feel like the idea is very important, and other see it as superfluous, then I've done a poor job detailing it out. It's something I've thought about often. Yet I feel like the resolution that everyone wants out of it is specifically the "look at how it's all neatly tied up in a bow" kind of thing that I generally frown upon.
I think this is a pretty fair review for the general readership. I have my disagreements with it, but that's mostly due to personal foibles. I just like different things from my stories, and I'm good with that. And while it's certainly not a perfect story, I'm proud that the rating Bradel has assigned to puts it in the same ballpark as quite a few other talented authors he's reviewed. I know I'm not the best author here, but I try, and it's nice to see that other people can see that, as well.
2612167 i don't even Remember the part with the aunt, so it must not have rubbed me wrong.
2612175 It's the part where Scootaloo talks about how she doesn't like living with her aunt, and she wants to go stay with Rainbow. She goes on to give a little description about why she think her aunt does like her. Luna expresses concern and tells Scoots that she will go have a discussion with her aunt about it.
2612167
So I tend to be bad about reading reviews other people write, and I can't comment for others, but I think a part of this definitely deserves a response:
I think the second option, cutting her entirely, would hurt the story a lot, for the reasons I mentioned. I thing expanding this could make it a richer story, though it'd change the fundamental character of that story a lot. But I think the story could be improved quite a bit without either of these.
My issue, more than anything, was about the abruptness with which the story moves into a discussion of Scootaloo's family situation. It comes clear out of the blue, with no warning, and given that you're doing a lot of character building on the spot, I find that jarring. If this were canon characterization for Scootaloo that all readers would be expected to know, it'd be a very different situation, but the way it stands, I found the passage where it starts immediately alienating as a reader. The characters were suddenly engaging about information I had no access to.
I don't know if that's the reaction other people are having, or if they're noticing it in the same way I am, but I suspect you could cut it down a lot by planting one or two throw-away references in the first few hundred words. For example, adding a sentence where Scootaloo thinks about (or sees in her dream) her aunt's house where she lives. Just that tiny bit of information—that she lives at her aunt's house—would prime the reader substantially for a revelation that her parents are dead. And the particular character-building around her aunt doesn't seem problematic to me.
I think if it were me, I'd probably just give her two sentences of some sort of dream imagery suggesting being lost between her aunt's house and Rainbow Dash's house, to foreshadow the conflict toward the end and prime the reader with the information I mentioned above. I really don't think you'd need more than that to keep readers engaged all the way through the story.
Anyway, the point I'm wanting to make is, from the nature of my own reaction, I don't think you'd need to make much of a change to eliminate it or at least significantly alleviate it. The idea of cutting that material entirely feels like a huge mistake, but my own criticism is less that it needs expansion and more that it's abrupt and jarring, which is frankly a much easier issue to fix. I still think expansion could be cool, because it's interesting material, but I certainly don't think the story needs for that material to be expanded.
2612280 A few sentences here and there to foreshadow is a good idea. It would have to be done carefully, though. One of my main gripes against stories is the insistence most authors have of knocking you over the head with the plot elements. I get irritated with things very quickly, so repetitive elements that others see as "setting things up" or "foreshadowing" often set my teeth on edge by the time I get to what it is that they were supposed to be drawing my attention to.
However, your suggestion of a sentence here or there could probably be done without feeling like I was hammering the issue with the aunt over and over, so next time I re-read that story, I'll think about where that sort of thing could be done. I'm constantly fussing with my stories, so it'll just be one more thing to tweak.
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Yeah, I agree, I absolutely wouldn't hammer it home. I just think something showing up earlier to make it less abrupt when the discussion occurs would help.
Anyway, I did really enjoy the story, despite all the harping on this, and I'm really glad I took the opportunity to read it!