10 Story Rules · 4:46am Nov 19th, 2014
I get several messages a month of people asking the same thing.
Hey, Max. I was just curious, have you read my story [INSERT STORY NAME AND LINK HERE]?
Typically, I do not answer these or click on the link. Why? Because, if I comment on your story or favorite it, it's because I stumbled across it, read it, and enjoyed it. You managed to snag me as a reader based off of the concept and writing alone. You should feel proud! If you try and cram a story down my throat, I'm going to ignore it. You should be ashamed.
That being said, to give you strange few a fighting chance, and because this is another slightly drunken blog, I shall present you all with...
MADMAXTHEBLACK'S
TEN THINGS TO AVOID
IN ORDER TO GET ME TO READ YOUR STORY*
1.) Keep your descriptions short. If I have to read an entire novel before even getting to the first chapter, I'm not going to read your story. A good description should be short, yet interesting enough to catch the attention of a potential reader. It should make me want to read your story.
2.) Keep your own imaginary world out of it. One of the biggest turn-offs for me is when I see something like this in the story's description:
Alekitrak of Melidross was the most wanted criminal in Dewvile. One day when a heist goes wrong, she ends up in Equestria. Will the ponies be able to cure this thief of her need to steal, or do old habits never die?
Nobody but you knows who Alekitrak is, or what Melidross and Dewvile are. And you're insane if you think I want to read some long-winded, two chapter exposition from Alekitrak about what her home world was like. Seriously, I have issues with HiE's when a human is describing Earth, the place where I live. I don't want to have to memorize your own imaginary world as well.
3.) Pinkie breaks the forth wall. Eeyup, I said it. There is no quicker way to lose me as a reader than Pinkie suddenly mentioning the author, the readers, something that's going to happen in a few chapters, or having knowledge of something that she should not EVER have knowledge of. Seriously, Pinkie is random, not some demigod. She breaks the forth wall, and I'm breaking my keyboard (within reason. Some comedy stories can break the forth wall of entertainment sake).
4.) Cliffhangers.
But, Blackie! you cry, screaming at your computer, You have cliffhangers galore in your story! True, but you know what I do that most other authors don't? I update at a steady and even pace. And, for whatever reason, god forbid, I can't get the next chapter out in time, I let you know and keep you updated. Seriously, I have a progress bar on my homepage that shows how close the chapter is to completion. If you have a cliffhanger, and haven't updated in ages, and don't let people know why, fuck you. Especially when I look up and see that you were last online five minutes ago.
5.) OC Main Character sudden becomes OP for no reason. What's that? The changelings are invading again? Don't worry, I have a super bio-tech suit that can squash them flat and make it so I take no damage! What, I've never mentioned the suit in the thirty or so chapters of the story? Well, that's because it's supposed to be secret!
...fuck you, you know who you are.
6.) Your human character has a bullshit, unreasonable past. Seriously, how many people do you think are assassins working for a secret society of super agents? If your human is an ex-assassin, mercenary, etc... fuck you! It's even worse when it's revealed halfway through the story. "Why do I have trust issues? Well, it's because of [STUPID, UNREALISTIC BACKSTORY ABOUT THE REASON I'M ANGSTY AND HAVE LOTS OF SCARS]."
7.) Your human is transported to Equestria with everything he needs to survive in his backpack at the time. Luckily, this one usually happens early, so I don't get emotionally attached to the story. Seriously, I don't know about you guys, but I generally don't carry rope, a tent, combat knife, laptop with solar charger, three days worth of food, medical kit, flint and steel, painkiller, pistol with lots of ammunition, flares, rain jacket, and compass with me when I travel around during an average day. It's usually my cellphone, wallet, keys and watch. Maybe my laptop if I'm going to school.
8.) Bronies in Equestria.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccck yoooooooooouuuuuuu! Seriously, fuck you and your waifu, who you'll probably end up with in the end because your personalities click together so perfectly. I despise everything about these types of stories. The MC has previous knowledge of Equestria, so they don't have to learn who the characters are. MC usually amazes ponies with his knowledge, and they don't at all find it creepy. MC greets mane 6 in such a way that they will like him (Rarity: kiss on the hoof, Fluttershy: a gentle hello, Rainbow Dash: hoofbump).
The only good BiE story is one where the brony gets sent to an Alternate Reality Equestria. Let's see him have god-like knowledge when Vinyl Scratch is the Alicorn of Wub.
9.) Trend stories. Just because someone did a Cards Against Humanity story and it was in the top spot of the feature box for a week and a half straight doesn't mean you should make one too! This also applies to Five Nights at Freddy's, LoHAV, YHaY. Yes, Your Human and You stories are on there too. Don't just write one because you want to be popular, only post two chapters and then quit when it only has thirty likes. You have to work for your fame and fortune.
10.) Pony on Earth stories. This is the last thing on the list because I don't really hate them; I just don't prefer them. I read these stories in order to escape from the real world, so I don't want to read a story that reminds me of it. There is nothing really wrong with them, I'll just generally not read them.
*Now, these are just basic guidelines. There are some stories out there that break the mold, and I will read and favorite even if they break a few of these rules. These are few and far between.
I actually agree with the 'Pinkie breaks the fourth wall' point. Not that I don't agree with the rest, but that one specifically annoys me as well.
Also, as a sidenote, I noticed a bit of irritation in the writing of this blog post. Did you get a few more messages like that recently than is considered normal?
2604024 No, I actually just came in from shoveling snow, so I guess I may sound a little irritable.
2604029
Hahaha, I know that feeling, dude. Exhaustion's a bitch, and if someone says they're not tired after shoveling an entire driveway of snow, they're either lying or a bodybuilder. Also, I've got another bullet point for your list: Hyperlinks mid-chapter. Don't know about you, but they always detract from whatever story I'm reading. Takes me too far away I guess.
Aw, do self-parodies count?
2604033 I usually just control+click them. If music starts playing, that's swell. If not, I just move on.
2604038 "Self-parodies"?
2604048 BiE that was a play on the entire sub-genre and then eventually a parody of itself. Oh, how I hate that I ever made it.
Hell, the only stories I've written aren't even MLP ones; I'm currently working on a trio of stories based on a Dan Brown book, and have only just started the second part
2604043
An easier alternative to Ctrl+Click is to just click the middle mouse if you are using one. It's a lot faster if you don't put your hands on the keyboard that often.
I get all your rules except for some part rule #7. There are some stories with scenarios where someone, or people, go camping. I know i have a mobile wifi hotspot for that type of vacation. That's my only thing with that rule.
What if he meant to put that in but forgot?
Then i'm making an ass of myself, and wasted 2 mins typing this out.
2604058 As I stated in the end, there are some stories that are exceptions.
10 / 10 would read rant again
#7 & #9 actually reminded me of the time I thought about story ideas I'd never write (because I am a shit-ass writer, and none of the ideas were going to happen anyway, so there.
), namely a HiE where the human is a Jehova's Witness* (or some other religious practitioner) and started preaching to the Equestrian populace. I thought it would be interesting/funny to see how ponies would react to someone trying to convert them to a new religion that doesn't exist in their world.
*to anyone who is a Jehova's Witness, I do not mean to be offensive in any way. Jehova's Witnesses are just known for their door-to-door preaching method, so it made sense in the context.
Hmmm, bio tech suit you say?
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/5/17/327566__safe_princess+celestia_mecha_cockpit_artist-colon-boastudio.png
Does 'having a family tradition of the first born joining the military count?
2604075 No, because that actually has some historical value and I can see it happening. I'm talking about the human being in a secret assassin's guild with the power to freeze time temporarily. That is a bullshit, unreasonable thing.
2604077
Ah yes, that bullshit. A.K.A. most stories ever submitted these days.
2604081 Exactly!
2604061 Yeah, sometimes i fail to notice the obvious, i saw the end of the post when i commented and-
I don fucked up
Hey max what is your opinion on anthro and humanized ponies?
2604086 I have no strong preference one way or the other.
Preach, brutha!
2604089 ok, thanks.
You wasted so much time writing this you probably could of gotten the next chapter out!
2604104 It's being edited at the moment.
this makes me want to write a story hitting all those things on that list for shits and gigglesi.imgur.com/fZxlX1e.png
Alright, here's a description for yah!
So I'm trying to make a story from this, but it won't be a 'Humanity saving ponykind' story. It will just be about 5 lost men trying to survive in a world that is not their own.
but i do number 7 all the time just in case of zombie out break, storms invasion of alien, alt world creatures, ponies, paranoia, rip in the fabric of space and time that sends me back in time or to some fare of land of talking teddy bears you just the basic stuff.
reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/slow_clap_citizen_kane.gif
Well said.
There's a story I've read called Displacement; it features a Navy Seal who was sent to Afghanistan but never came back (guess where he ended up. No, really). I won't bore you with the details but by the end of the story he's created a task force of ponies that use all manner of sniper rifles, wing suits, even night vision goggles. It got real boring, real fast. I'm not going to mention the sequel that features the same character gaining super-human abilities... whoops, I just did.
You know what I really want to see on this site? I want to see a GOOD story that features Max Payne. MP's my idol, man, and there's only one good story on this site that features him and stays true to character.
i agree with #6. I don't care what happened. I want to know what's happening now and i want to imagine for myself what's happening.
2604029 Aww poor guy maybe this might cheer you up a little...or make go "eww."
Yeah I'm not exactly a novelist myself though I consider myself a decent editor. I can enjoy and appreciate a great story but I don't really have the artisic creativity to make up one of my own.
Absolutely hit the nail on the head. This is one or my greatest pet peeves on FimFiction. It will quickly drive me from an otherwise enjoyable story.
Man you must of hated the "chess game of the gods" stories because they have half your list in them.
Strangely, fourth-wall Pinkie doesn't bother me. Maybe it's because the first fic I ever read was Alex Warlorn's Pony POV (and check that out if you haven't, its fantastic) has fourth wall breaking Pinkie, but gives reasons for it, and is written in really well.
Okay...back from work...can make a proper response...with humor!
The answers to all ten points, Max is simple:
i.imgur.com/skSfvX2.gif
So would having a commercially available space superiority fighter (F7-C Hornet) count as number 7?
2604029
Shoveling snow sucks. I recommend baking cookies for the guy down the road to bring his snow plow over and creal the drive way. It's very effective and efficient. Then all I have is my porch and little walkway to worry about.
So, the issue is when there isn't a Chekhov's shotgun?
What do you consider bullshit? And tying in with one of point two, is it an issue when it just goes out the window of ridiculousness? I mean, if you're trying to write some sort of story where the main character is from a futuristic setting, or the like, then you can't really establish how they have the technology they have, or the knowledge they possess, that is if it extends beyond the what we currently possess, you can't really establish how they know this without bringing up the kind of world they're talking about.
And depending on the setting and time period, the prevalence of weird shit can really go through the roof. Ex assassins are pretty ridiculous, but military? Mercenaries? That's something that can immediately become prevalent at times of war and combat. Operation Desert Storm and the War on Terrorism saw the rebirth of the mercenary business, both in America and abroad, because there are many places and things things that mercenary groups like Blackwater, can go or do because they are not legally bound by the conventions of war.
But I agree with you on the end. I can take really any sort of world building and character set up so long as its well developed, not pretentious, and logical, I mean if there are things that the main characters would rather have remained kept a secret, they're not going to blab about it like its an excuse for their actions, and there's going to have to be allusions to their reasons why. And if you're going to do an alternate Earth sort of deal, show me, don't tell me. Have the character tell stories about their life on earth, not the whole run down of humanity did this, and we did that. If they come from a science fiction earth, they're probably not going to marvel at super advanced technologies unless its something that is utterly revolutionary. If they come from a war/military setting, then they damn well better have stories about shenanigans they and their buddies got into, because every single fucking soldier has at least one of those, and dear god, angst should not be used as an excuse for their actions, nor their supposed PTSD that in no way, shape, or form resembles actual PTSD.
Hmm... Now that you put this out there Max, I do believe some people are going to start following these ten rules as the Ten Commandments from The Mad Lord Max.
One thing that really annoys me with some writers (Max you are one of them) is that instead of making pony characters say FUCK they make them say BUCK. at first didn't bother me that much until i noticed almost every brony writer has now been doing this for the last two or three years. so i'm begging you (although i doubt you would listen) please stop it, it never was that funny (I never found this funny at all) in the first place.
Please stop for the love of God
Perfect. I agree with everything you said. Only thing is if I was ever transported to equestria I would actually have a large knife, 40 cal. Pistol with 24 rounds, 60 feet of paracord that I wear in bracelets and necklaces, along with my cell phone and flint fire starter on my keychain....what can I say I'm a preper and I never leave the house with out these things, but most people don't share in my paranoia of shit hitting the fan every time they leave their home.
Crap, looks like I'm out then. Mine definitely will have 8 and most likely will have 2, 3, 4, and 5 to some degree.
Oh well.
Well this was an interesting blog. Now you should do one on what actually draws you in when looking for a fic!
If there's a story about that, why haven't I read it?
Max are you drunk again? Jeez man what are we going to do with you. Go back to bed. :P
Max! i have this great new story i want you to check out!
i promise you its 100 percent lemon pledge!
Is it too late to apologize for the Cards Against bandwagon? I had no idea it was going to explode in the way that it did. Whoops!
Max, only slightly drunk on a Wednesday afternoon.
I think I agree with all your points, especially those that I feel that the author just doesn't understand when getting someone to read their story. I really hate reading a question mark in a description. "WILL HE BE ABLE TO SAVE EQUESTRIA OR WILL THE EVIL ULTIMA GET HIM? READ TO FIND OUT!"
I hate when a person (does not necessarily mean humans) goes to a pony settlement, and starts using pony vocabulary "just to fit in". They are, without a doubt, turning to speciesism. At some points, the vocab change-over is near instanteous! I'm talking stuff like 'everypony' instead of 'everyone', and so on. It just irks me to no end how many authors never address how a species living alone came up with a vocabulary that would be less offensive to other species, when a species living amongst a world full of others comes up with a specieocentric vocab.
The only place I can barely tolerate it is in stories where the introduction of other species is not the main focus, is almost void at most, and is somewhat vague at the least i.e. MLP:FiM episodes. 'For teh cutez' is a very 'iffy and poor excuse.
Hmm... okay I think my RoaM story meets most of these rules. Not entirely sure though, I'm pretty sure not the first one though... but then again I might be wrong.
But meh you can read my fic if you want, I really don't care.