The Box Never Changes: Feature Box Special #05 · 4:58pm Nov 7th, 2014
Well, I guess you could say that this next batch of reviews has been a long time coming. And I'd agree with you, really. It's been, what, four weeks? Around that long, I'd say. And apparently, you people have missed my rants and reviews (though why you would miss them is totally beyond me), so you might be pleased to know that I'll be resuming them in full now. I never really did set a firm schedule for these reviews in the first place, but I'll try and put them out at least once a week, around the usual Tuesday or Wednesday block. Maybe later or sooner, depending.
But that's enough of that, for now. What's important is the Feature Box right now, and right now... well, let's have a look at the damage, this week.
Yep... Still looks the same as I remember it. Full of the usual mediocre slop, on first glance. First impressions this week:
· Wait, I thought device heretic was supposed to be de--oh, it's a different fic. K.
· [insert obligatory period joke here]
· Oh look, shameless and boring clop. Pinklestia (CelestiPie?) clop, this time around. Joy.
· Oh look, even more shameless and boring clop. With a touch of R63, to boot.
· What looks to be a meeting gone either horribly invasive or embarrassingly awkward.
· Is that a "comedy" I spy on the horizon?
· Card games on... ponies? Nope, still doesn't have the same ring to it...
As usual, the ol' box is full of dodgy-looking fics. But hey, I've been surprised before. Maybe one or two of them are decent. Maybe they all suck. Anyone's guess, really; I mean, when it comes to the box, you're always going in blind.
Well, let's get this over with...
#7: Eternal
by Pastel Pony
With the defeat of the sirens and her subsequent acceptance at school, Sunset Shimmer had thought her life had made a turn for the better.
She thought it would be easy to simply forget the Dazzlings.
However, a run-in with Sonata Dusk brings in another perspective on the whole Battle of the Bands episode, one Sunset had never really stopped to contemplate.
After all, it takes one monster to understand another...
Right?
First story of the day, and, well... admittedly, we're not off to a bad start. It's a short little story that pulls the expected charade of telling the "aftermath" of Rainbow Rocks-- which I have actually seen, by the way. (It's not terrible, but I'd hardly call it great.) This story is certainly nothing groundbreaking, though it does obviously rely quite heavily on some sort of prearranged headcanon. It's certainly plausible, to be sure, though it does feel a bit on the dodgy side. As for content, there's not a lot happening; it's just -- you guessed it -- more talking. Yadda yadda there's nothing wrong with that kind of thing blah blah, but it does get a little stale after a while, y'know? At least, with all the stories I've read.
That aside, it's still an interesting bit of headcanon development regardless, with some minor hints at a future friendship between both Sunset and Sonata. Which is always nice, I guess; I do appreciate that it's not one of those stupid fics that tries to go unreasonably out of its way to "redeem" the villains. The Sirens certainly weren't paragons of virtue, to be sure, but they can't exactly help their own nature-- which is something this story seems to understand, along with the rather horrifying (and more-than-likely true) realization that they will eventually starve to death, without their pendants. It's certainly a bit of Fridge Horror that makes the Sirens kind of tragic, in a way; immortal beings that are now doomed to wither and starve, no longer enjoying the benefits of their power. All because they were victims of their own hubris, at first simply doing what they could to survive, but then ending up letting the thought of greed and power get to their heads. It's poetic, really.
Or, y'know, you could always argue that they simply become normal, everyday humans as a result of that fiasco. That's a thing, too. (Though it does mean that they still lose their immortality, and will die off eventually.)
...Anyway, steering back to the story before I completely veer off into my rambling again. One final nitpick I have about the story? Sonata Dusk herself. Why? Well, if you read the story... you'll notice that acts pretty much nothing like her canon counterpart. You might be wondering about a possible reason for this, and, well, there is one.
Instead, Sonata merely shrugged. “It’s not really. I’ve… I’m different now, aren’t I? I can see it in the way you look at me.”
“You’re less…”
“Silly?” The siren prompted.
“I was going to say innocent.”
Sonata snorted. “I’m many things, but innocent was never one of them. You’re right though, I’m not sure if it’s the breaking of some spell Daddy placed on the pendants to keep our minds young so we could live more age-appropriate lives, or just hundreds of years catching up on me, but… I feel awake for the first time in forever. My head always felt like it was underwater. Unless I was feeding, I was all over the place. Now… I finally feel my age. My real age.”
I can kind of see where this explanation is coming from, and hell, I'd probably even buy it... if it wasn't treated as a cheap handwave, of course. There's really no buildup nor explanation beyond that, and it almost feels like an afterthought in writing. Now, this kind of thing might be a little hard to manage in just a quick oneshot like this, which is always the problem with oneshots in the first place: they can't handle or support plotlines that rely on headcanon that a reader was not already aware of. Multi-chaptered fics could get around the issue by building up to this point and having it make sense, because that kind of thing was explained before, but in a oneshot, the constraints are very clear to see. More than that however, that explanation only served as an excuse for the ultimate narrative to happen in the first place. Sonata herself is not the best fit for this role, and it feels like the author knew that; hence, why we ended up with a Sonata that feels more like an OC stand-in. Aria or Adagio would have been better fits for such talking in the fic, really. But instead, against all reasonable argument to the contrary, Sonata is used. Why? Because she's the fandom's new and popular waifu, that's why Hell if I know. An author's personal preferences can sometimes break an otherwise-decent story. It happens.
All in all (holy shit I spent too much effort writing this), this is a decent story with some pretty visible dents, but it's not too terrible for those looking for a thoughtful read, or an excuse to download some more pointless headcanon.
Twilight Sparkle returns to the human world intending to take a short vacation from her princessly duties, and to catch up with her non-Equestrian friends. One sleepover at Pinkie Pie’s house later, Twilight comes to learn something fascinating—and horrifying—about her very human body.
You know, I suspected that this was going to be about a period, and you know what? I was right on the money. Why on earth would someone write this? Well, unsurprisingly...
Idea spawned (like so many others) in the Twilight's Library Skype Group and written in four hours. Something completely out of the blue. Hope you enjoy.
Ah, so it's one of those stories. I like to call them "circlejokes" (to set it apart from the common circlejerk, though this is technically a subtype), because that's exactly what they are; someone writes something as a joke between members of a group, and is for whatever reason shared with the world, because obviously it should be funny to everyone else. (And it's usually not.) Funny thing to note, "circlejerk" fics are supposedly banned, according to the rules, but... are they really? They don't seem to be. For every anthro/humanized clopfest with underage characters that slips through the cracks, ten more of these things pass through customs with a smile and pat on the bum. I don't necessarily CARE that they do, of course, but I just thought it kind of funny to mention.
But, getting back to the story... at the very least, I can say that it does accurately portray the pains and such associated with the monthly cycle. I mean, being a woman myself, you'd think I would know this pretty well too, right? (Put simply, it's hell.) Of course, the only question that could be posed to a story like this is: "Why?" Why does something like this need to exist? Is it supposed to be funny? Because, well, it's not. In fact, all I really got from this fic was a reminder on how much the cramps during a period can really fucking suck, and little else. Yeah, thanks for that, story. Really appreciate it.
To its credit, it's not terrible. But it's subpar at best. While the character interaction was pretty good, with everyone seeming to stay fairly true to themselves in the given situation, the pacing was pretty jagged. The jokes (especially that fucking ending) fell flat. It was just so... pointless. The story didn't really go anywhere, and the only thing of note is something I don't even like. So... yeah, that's really all I can say. No sale for me.
#5: Pink Is Too Sweet
by Marshal Twilight
Princess Celestia has a strict routine. After all, she's a very busy mare. She lives an orderly, repetitive life, and while some might consider that boring, Celestia appreciates the stability.
But when Pinkie Pie shows up one morning with an unusual request and unwilling to take no for an answer, Celestia finds that her orderly day might be anything but.
Ah, and so we arrive at the box's first dose of clop. Wonderful. You all know how much I love getting around to these, don't you? I thought so. Well, right off the bat, we have Pinkie randomly travelling all the way to Canterlot to see Celestia. Why? To ask her if they could bang, of course. I shit you not, she is exactly that blunt in the story. Surprising? I suppose it's not, no. In fact, I probably should have assumed as much. Naturally, in a rare instance of actually being smart in a fanfiction, the princess declines on the spot. It then goes through Celestia's day as ruler, like normal, but with the added "charm" of Pinkie appearing in the worst possible places, and continuing to pursue and accost her-- because she, like most men, don't know the meaning of the word "no". (At least, not when it comes from a woman. But I kid, of course.)
I know I've made this pretty clear before, but... I'm not a huge fan of clop. More specifically, I do not like it when clop is used a means to garner views and attention, and/or sacrifices decent writing in the making of such things. Clop as erotica can work well, and it can even contribute to the immersion of a story, but when it's used for no reason? It bugs me. It's just an unsatisfying end to a poorly-arranged means. The story comes across as an awkward "comedy" where Pinkie keeps trying to get Celestia into bed with her, with every attempt -- from popping out of a cake in the midde on an ambassador meeting, to sending messages in the form of suggestive poems through petitioners during the royal court -- all failing and infuriating Celestia further. And the reason for Pinkie's unholy persistence? It was all because of a bet.
Yeah. A bet.
A bet made her go up to Celestia all the way in Canterlot, and not only ask for sex once, but SEVERAL times, in various ways. I can probably see her trying it out once, maybe twice, but going that far because of a stupid-as-fuck BET? Maybe I'm making a horrible misjudgment of Pinkie's character here, but that's kinda extreme. All of that bullshit for the sake of a bet? I almost stopped reading instantly-- though I was already close to stopping at several different points, as the story fails gloriously at cringe comedy and whatnot. Granted, it's not downright awful, no; at best, I'd probably rate it as "passable." For what the story does right -- the characters stay fairly true to themselves, and at least the writing is competent -- it also does plenty wrong. Maybe I'm being too harsh on this story because of the sole reason it's a clopfic, but hey, that's what you get when you expect me to pick one apart. I might as well sit down and have a little fun with it.
#4: Gleaming Shield's Teats
by MadMaxtheBlack
Gleaming Shield has a problem, a problem that apparently only you can help with.
Welp, next in line is yet more clop, sad to say. Good times ahoy. And where I mildly disliked the previous story, I have quite the burning hatred for this one. Why? Well, let me lay out the strikes for you:
· It's a Human-in-Equestria clop. Specifically, it's an Anonymous-in-Equestria clop.
· The story is second-person POV.
· It features an R63'd character, for no other reason than to enable the clop.
· The story centers around a damned lactation fetish.
· It's translated from greentext on an /mlp/ thread, to boot.
Now, none of these on their own tend to be bad things. But when it's all thrown together, the result is something that, most of the time, is just unavoidably terrible. "Anon" is a placeholder name for "you", of course, which is pretty common in the 2nd-person fics that don't already give "you" a name, or just leave you nameless. It's lazier than just giving the character a proper name, and it's even stupider than not being referred to by name in the first place. The whole idea of the concept is to let the readers be able to impose themselves into the story, which obviously has its fans -- particularly when it comes to clop, romance, and shit like that -- but it does not make for an effective story-telling medium.
Case in point; the story here? Nonexistant. It's basically just, "You're in Equestria for a reason that's not nearly as important as the inevitable sex, so we'll skip ahead to the sex and never ever explain ourselves." That's all it boils down to. That's what ALL HiE clopfics boil down to. Some try to explain themselves (one particularly shitty example comes to mind from a prior review), but others decide to cut the crap and get straight down to what they're promoting. In a way, I suppose I can admire that. But it's still a shit story at the end of the day, and this one, sadly, isn't exempt from that. Pretty much everything about it is tailored to serve a singular purpose and taste, and that purpose is? Fap fuel. Big surprise, of course. It'll be quickly forgotten as soon as it drops out of the box, like... pretty much every single cheap one-shot clop, ever.
But hey, what do I know. Maybe some people will like it. My opinion? It's pretty fucking horrible. But even I can admit that there is worse to be had on this site. Far, far worse...
Being a princess is stressful, but your peers and friends can certainly help.
That was what Twilight had in mind when she invited Luna over for tea one afternoon. A relaxing, friendly meeting between two fellow princesses where they can commiserate and share their experiences. An invitation to a stronger friendship than they had before, offered to a pony displaced in time.
What she got was an uncomfortable assertion about her relationship with her number one assistant, Spike. One that she is having difficulty refuting.
This story is a curious little thing. Like many stories with a curious, almost innocent or innocuous theme, I tend to keep a somewhat-open mind. Since this story deal with Spike's character, it naturally begs the question: Is it another story that effectively complains and bitches about Spike's treatment in the show? Well, at an extremely basic, boiled-down level... yes, it is. Having said that, it's not too badly presented, to an extent. I do have several gripes with it, of course; and I'm the type of person that heavily accentuates the negative anyway, so I'll waste no time in pointing those out. For one, the story kind of... lacks description. The dialogue is fine, but the descriptions of the setting and action are pretty vague-- not that there's a lot of action or scenery to begin with. But it's most noticeable in the very first paragraph, in that only a few short sentences set up only the vaguest impression of where the story takes place, before cutting straight to the dialogue and leaving readers in the dark rather quickly. The entire opening scene in itself feels abrupt and unnecessary, and it really doesn't add much to the story.
But the dialogue is, of course, a much stronger point than the story itself. Needless to say, that only begs the question of the characters themselves. They were... well, it's kind of a mixed bag, for me. Princess Luna seems to be fully in the mindset of a pony from a different time, and her views and beliefs seems -- to her -- as normal, sensible, and justified. While I actually do like that, quite a bit... it seems out of place, in itself. That seems like an appropriate mindset to have when she would have just returned from the moon, of course, but the issue is that this story takes place well after she had come back. And to be honest, with all that's happened, I would be hard-pressed to agree that she really did learn nothing, or even adjust slightly to the new ways things are run, and such. (Her views on bondservants being particularly egregious, of course.) But, as with all headcanon, there's no real evidence to prove or refute it, so I'll leave that be. It's something I have a hard time believing, however.
As for Twilight, her character raised instant red flags for me almost from the start; or more specifically, around the point where she openly snaps at Spike and seems to openly reject his input. Correct me if I'm wrong, but, that little bit seemed strangely out of character for her to do such a thing. I mean, I know they were in the presence of Princess Luna and all, but, that's not exactly anything too special for the both of them. They've been around Celestia plenty of times. And really, all he did was simply interject with an honest thought and opinion, but then got chastised and sent away on a chore because of that, not being allowed to speak. Really? I mean, I know that they do eventually sort things out by the end, but it still left a bit of a bad, lingering taste in my mouth. (I know that the show itself gets away with making their characters act in ways that seem out of character at random sometimes, which can be chalked up to happenstance and/or poor writing, but that does not give any fanfiction an excuse to get away with doing the exact same thing.)
At the end of the day, it's basically a "story" that has Twilight coming to realize that she's been treating Spike like a servant, when she never actually intended to do so. Yadda yadda she feels bad, blah blah there's a hint of improvement and fixing to come by the end of it all, but it's pretty simplistic. Having said that, it's not terrible. Hell, it's decent. It's written pretty well, the dialogue and discussion is kinda interesting, and I think it wraps up quite nicely by the end. But it definitely does not strike too many high notes. And, while this is only a minor point on my part... that formatting could certainly be better. Would it have killed the guy to put spaces between those sentences? Jeez.
It took many long years and far more defeats than he'd care to admit, but at last—at long last—victory was finally within the great Ahuizotl's reach. Absolutely nothing, not even that meddlesome Daring Do, would be able to stand in his way any longer. Yet even with his arch nemesis facing her inevitable demise and the ultimate power literally in his grasp, he can't shake the feeling that he's forgotten about something.
One tiny, crucial detail. Something very important. As in, 'could easily ruin his plans if not attended to' important.
...
Eh, maybe he just left the oven on again.
I think I must be having flashbacks, or something; I'm pretty sure I've reviewed a story that gives off this same sort of impression before. Said impression being, of course, that the story dumbs down a character or two just for the pure sake of making the villain look like a complete idiot. Granted, this one isn't any of that "what if" scenario bullshit, thankfully, and it even manages to set up its own original setting and circumstance, so that's another small plus. But what really bugs me about the whole idea surrounding this sort of "comedy" is that, well... all it does it put an established character on the spot, and single them out "for da lulz". Makes them into bait and targets for snark and humiliation.
Maybe it's slightly hypocritical of me to make that comparison, considering that's pretty much exactly what I do to these fics I review for the most part, but that's another matter entirely. When a story is twisted towards targeting a specific character and making the situation "funny" due to their suffering, especially in a manner that requires twisting a canon character's personalities to meet that specific end, then the result could be anything but. In this instance, Ahuizotl appears to be on the verge of actually winning for once, having tied down Daring and rendering her unable to intervene... but then Princess Celestia and Luna both randomly show up, and take to almost completely passive and casual-sounding conversation as Celestia treats the bad guy as little more than a petulant child. (She calls him "Schnitzel", just to drive home the point.) On top of that? The area that he was in is revealed to be little more than a playground for the sisters, and the supposed artifacts of power are little more than harmless toys.
To some, this kind of revelation would have been funny. To me, it's just stupid. Now, I know that's the idea of it being a "comedy", so "oh, you're not supposed to take it seriously", but fuck you. Comedy doesn't always have to be sensible, but it needs to work, dammit. A natural comedy relies on a blend of wit and circumstance, and having the characters remain true to themselves. In this, Ahuizotl is just made out to be an idiot that made oversights he would not have normally made, the sisters are literal Deus Ex Machinas that have overdosed on snark pills, and the competent, actually intelligent characters either play an insignificant role, or no role at all. This story artificially creates a humorous situation in the same way that most "sad" stories attempt to extract "da feelz" from the everyday sap; it's manipulative. It's trying to point itself out and say "haha, look! This is funny!" and maybe some people will laugh because of what they see.
But me? I don't laugh, on a combination of both principle and the fact that... it's not funny. The story tells us that it should be, but it's not. It's little more than a dumb little "villain's evil plan gone awry" scheme with some added character humiliation. I suppose I can respect that it's written functionally well, but, is that even a point worth praising anymore? When it comes to fanfiction, maybe so, but it should be an expectation, not something I could dole out extra points for accomplishing. Maybe some of you with a little time to kill and a low-to-midbrow sense of humor can get a chuckle out of this, but it just falls flat to anyone else beyond that.
When Maud Pie officially endorses the latest party game to hit Equestria, Pinkie can't wait to share it with her friends.
For all the wrong reasons, it's a game they won't soon forget.
Oh, joy. A ponified Cards Against Humanity, in fic form. Why, I ask? "Why not?", they'll always ask in response. Because fuck it all, why write something interesting by yourself when you can take something else popular, throw in ponies, and then write it as a "story"? Obviously it's worked out well for the author though; I mean, it's only been five days, and they've already surpassed a thousand upvotes. And for what? A 3k word "part one" chapter, which has the ponies playing a game of dubiously-appropriate content. And that's pretty much it. Nothing more, nothing less. (Though it could easily stand to lose some.)
There's... well, there's really not much I can say about this, truthfully. As far as a story goes, it's barebones and permissive only to the concept, which is "ponies play a card game for terrible people". Now, I actually kind of like Cards Against Humanity, if only because it's a cheap and dirty little game that -- while not exactly providing the most sophisticated of high times -- manages to be amusing and dare I say even charming in its own little way. Obviously if it's so great, then people think, "well hey, we could write a story about it, then it'll be popular, because everyone loves it!" I don't like assuming that everyone writes stuff like this just to get attention, because some usually don't, but it gets harder and harder to overlook it when a lot of people end up riding the success of an otherwise-stupid concept. I'm willing to bet that most of those views and upvotes are for the concept alone, and not even for the story itself.
There's a reason why stories with such throwaway concepts are bad, but in this case, it's a simple matter of translation. That is to say, a game often does not translate to a story form well; especially not card games. It was a problem with those Five Nights at Freddy's crossovers, because nobody was trying to make use of the limited story and do anything with it; they were focused solely on the five nights, with the doors, and the robots, and so forth. That works well in its own medium as a game, because it's a personal and visceral experience. A written story does not carry the same effect, and it comes across as both awkward and shoddily-written in pretty much every case. In this story's case, it's even worse, because it's just a CARD GAME. There's no story to work with, only the gameplay. And because we're just reading about someone's arbitrary experiences in said gameplay, it's almost impossible to care or feel immersed. Honestly, the best parts of this story were the parts that didn't feature them playing the game. The whole concept is broken from the start, because there is nothing to work with as far as a story is concerned, and at BEST, it's just a cheap oneshot experience for the low-hanging fruit grabbers to chuckle about and move on.
Protip: Card games (or player-driven games in general, including video games without any story) cannot hold up a story by itself, so don't even try. If you want to try and make up one for yourself, then good luck trying, but you'll be hard pressed to write something compelling about a damned card game.
BONUS ROUND
(because why not)
I wrote these in the prior weeks when I figured I'd try and do something productive, though I was never able to finish them. So, here you have the leftover scraps of featured fics long past. Lucky you.
Bonus #1: Suicide By Goddess
by kudzuhaiku
The story of Sebastian Melmoth, who draws near the end of his life as he attempts suicide by Goddess.
Okay, first up... the fuck kind of pony name is "Sebastian"? Secondly, kudzu found the time to write yet another story in-between the thrice-daily Chase updates? (I know the guy must have a lot of time on his hands, but jeez, man. Tone down the flood a little.) Third, I feel like I'm reading a badly-conveyed attempt to channel Shakespeare, or something. It's one of those glorious examples of "trying too hard", and even the author himself seems to admit to the whole thing being terrible. Part of me wonders if that's what he actually thinks, or if he's just trying to guilt some people into saying and thinking it's not terrible. Maybe that's being a little pessimistic and cynical, but if you're reading this and expecting me to be anything but those things, then you are in the wrong neighborhood.
The story drags on with its protagonist rambling nonstop about this and that, and it's just so wordy and verbose that it's a pain in the ass to read in one go. Oh, don't get me wrong, I've read and (mostly) understood what was going on, but c'mon. If your story is hard to read, then that's a pretty big problem; not your reader's problem, no, but yours. And furthermore, the character himself is... creepy. He's unlikable. Not only does he have a dumb name by pony standards, but he's certainly not someone I care for. I mean, not only perverted scum, but also heavily implying pedophilia? Yeah, I'm not feeling bad about his "suicide" at all, really. In fact, the little fucker got off easy, really-- but no, he has to be so goddamned dramatic about everything. It's groan-inducing. Maybe the entire point was to make him that way, if the notes are any indication, so in that sense, congrats! You've made a character almost universally unlikable, in a story so far up its own ass that it can see what it had for lunch!
All in all, this... thing is what appears to be an experiment in horrendous pretentiousness, and for that, I'd say it succeeds. I image Shakespeare and the other great playwrights are turning in their graves knowing their invention of the "divine comedy" is being bastardized to such an extent.
Bonus #2: A Canterlot Breeding
by NeverClever
Twilight's eyes snapped open. She tried to move, but her wrists were stuck. She turned to the side. Cadance was there, the real Cadance. They hadn't restrained Cadance, but since she was in the middle of laying eggs instead of escaping, it seemed they didn't need to.
The queen smiled. “I suppose I can introduce myself, since you are about to have your mind shattered anyway.” The queen bowed. “I am Chrysalis, queen of the changelings. Remember it carefully. Before long you won't have a lot of things left in your head, and the name of your new mistress should be important.”
...Ah, fuck. Off the grill, straight into the fire. These kind of "all fetish, no sense" fics bother me. Only reason these ever get featured? Just so some person with weird-as-fuck tastes can fap to it. Will I judge those people? No, I suppose I can't. But I will judge the story, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this review. In fact, I would much rather NOT be reviewing, but I suppose I picked a shitty time to start the reviews. But anyhow, there's really not much to say about this story. It employs a truckload of fetishes, and with no story to back it up other than "alternate telling of S2 finale". Like... what? Pretty much every other story involving changelings and/or Chrysalis? I mean, really, what's stopping you guys from being more original? That's just grade-A laziness, there.
But, I suppose no one really cares, since it does deliver on what it promises, for the most part. This is a story that you would want to stay well the fuck away from if you aren't into any of what this is about, and sadly, I fall among that category. As someone that just doesn't subscribe to these fetishes, it was painful and awkward to read. The descriptions were adequate, but they'd be more likely to make a common person sick to their stomach, honestly. At the end of it all, this pretty much fails in terms of originality, uniqueness, and pretty much everything else on what makes a good story... well, good. Nothing more than fap-fuel for the deviants, and if you're into this kind of stuff, then good on ya. Just kindly leave me out of it...
Bonus #3: Family Appreciation Day in Canterlot
by Forthwith
Twilight Sparkle brings her Granny Sparkle in for Family Appreciation Day at Celestia’s school to talk about the origins of the noble houses of Sparkle and Armor.
Hey, what do you know, it's not terrible. That is, of course, not an invitation to assume that this one is good, either. It's just... incomplete. There are bits and pieces of a larger story here, and all we get is yet another story that is overtly-simple in its premise. Simplistic, a bit dull, and predictable as well. One user already commented that pretty much the "fun" of the story was trying to guess who this "Granny Sparkle" is, but the thing is, that's a little too easy to see. I personally figured it out well before the reveal at the end, and even then, figuring it out wasn't even that fun. I'll save you the effort of reading and just tell you up front, she's actually (Princess) Twilight Sparkle. And trust me, it's made pretty obvious.
The story meanders along aimlessly, and while I could make the argument that the pacing and portrayal was fairly natural from an IRL perspective, it still felt a bit sloppy. Frustrating even, since the constant interruptions of the schoolchildren throughout the story made it choppy and hard to understand. I had to reread some portions just to get a clearer idea of what was being said. And as I mentioned before, it's a bit too simple for its own good, and it feels like we're missing a lot of important pieces. As a fic going along with a number of others, or as a separate chapter in a longer fic, that would be fine. But this story is apparently meant to be standalone, and thus, it suffers quite greatly for that. Not terrible, but nothing I'd recommend. There's just too little substance here.
Bonus #4: Everypony Cuddles, Sometimes
by shortskirtsandexplosions
Twilight Sparkle enlists Rainbow Dash's help in a "Fuzzy Muzzle Nuzzle" research project. The experiment only has three steps. That's not too much to ask of a close friend, is it?
I've never been much of a shipper, as many of you can probably imagine, so I'm always pretty leery about seeing stories like these. This one does little except slightly hint at shipping in a "nudge nudge wink wink" kind of fashion, though that doesn't exactly spare it from my bias. It's... well, I can't say I enjoyed it. It's pretty much mindless fluff, or fuzz, or whatever. Very little substance to speak of, as I expected. The basic plot is that Twilight essentially begs and bargains with Rainbow Dash to join her in a "nuzzle" experiment of some sort.
And... again, that's pretty much it. There's some jokes here and there, and plenty of awkward cringe, but nothing really made me laugh. And the way it was written was... well, I dunno. The characters don't really seem like themselves, nor is the writing as good. Skirts is a good writer, don't get me wrong, but... it feels like he didn't even really try, here. It's fluff for the sake of fluff. I've not much to complain about, mostly because this simply isn't my cup of tea and I try not to let bias get in the way, but I'll just say that this is pretty subpar by most standards. Folks that don't really give a shit about characterization or content and prefer to just read for "da feelz" might get something out of it, but that's probably a stretch for most.
Bonus #5: Everything for a Princess
by Spectrum Shine
It was just a normal day in the new castle of Princess Twilight Sparkle, except for a few incidents. As the King of Chaos, the Princess of the Night, the Element of Laughter and two old enemies decide at the same time reveal their love for her. What could go wrong? Well, simply everything.
I read that description correctly, right? Five different suitors, all at the same time? You are treading a very dangerous line, story. Harem plots are rarely pulled out well, let alone perfectly straight. There's often no strong dynamic between all partners, and there's no good reason for such a thing happening other than "just because". Someone decides they really like someone? They'll add them to their growing harem like the garden-variety user on FiMFic tosses things into their bookshelves. It's a little sad, really; and kind of insulting in a way, considering how stigmatized those kind of relationships are IRL. And don't you even start to give me the "but it's made-up!" crap; if you can't pay respect to something that real people suffer for, OR actually make a story work and take it seriously in the first place, then I won't hesitate in casting harsh judgement upon said story.
This story is... well, I really can't be surprised, to be honest. Basically, Princess Twilight is approached by the aforementioned five different suitors, who all profess their love for her at the same time. Yeah, just like that. Never mind why or how they've generated such feelings in the first place, or WHERE some of them even came from (Trixie and Sunset Shimmer, in particular). And it's a humanized story too, because... why not? It's not like humanized harem stories are trite and overused or anything, right? Bluh, well, needless to say, Twilight decides to reject their immediate advances, and instead settle on a plan to date all five of them at a time. Now, she claims that she will only choose one, after the dates are had and her minds are made up... but, honestly, who wants to bet that it'll just end it polygamy by the end of it all? Because that's apparently the easiest way to solve a love pentagon, of course; everyone gets the girl, and everyone walks away happy. Hah, yeah... bullshit.
The story is still incomplete of course, but I don't see any potential in this idea; it's been done before, both better and worse, and it reeks of clichés out the ass. Not to mention that it's boring, and the writing is pretty dull. Mediocrity being held down by a weight of cliché and cheap romantic conflict; yeah, that totally sounds like a compelling story, doesn't it?
Well, that's it for this week, finally. Blugh, I spent way too much time writing these reviews. May have gotten slightly carried away, but fuck it, I'm done with this week for now. And though one of the stories I've just reviewed already has a sequel out and in the updated box (which, yes, I only noticed AFTER writing the review for the preceding story), I'm just gonna safely ignore it; with any luck, it'll be gone by next week. But of course, that does leave room for another potentially horrible fic to take its place, so it's a bit of a roll of the dice on that one. In the meantime, I think I just might need to take up drinking...
Oh cheap malt liquor, you are my only friend now...
Welcome back Blinky!
Feeling for ya here. Have fun with next week's featured box.
Rock dat 40 oz, girl!
…
Not sure if serious…
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I wasn't really, of course. Just generalizing. Though I've known more than a few who were like that, trust me...
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Yeah yeah, fuck you too.
2579764 I love you too, Blinky!
2579764
I don't deny the fact that there will be a few. Guys are, after all, not perfect and capable of mistakes (I'm the complete opposite of a modern feminist (Thank God) in that I don't believe one sex is infallible.
) Just wanted to make sure.
I've read only that period one. My reaction:
static1.e621.net/data/bc/8a/bc8a25f3ad94b202427b496032bf7fb6.gif
Nice use of the _insert tags.
One of my followers linked me to ya since I had no idea there was another author doing these feature box reviews. I already saw how honest ye were skipping through the previous fics, so wasn't surprised by the kinda-sorta trashing you gave my Cards Against Equiniti (even though it was more aimed at the concept rather than my execution).
Eeeyup. Well, I actually searched for one a few weeks back believing there had to be one. And when I saw there wasn't, I figured I'd do it myself.
Ahem well...I did write something original and what I considered fairly interesting for a first fic, and that's still on 140 views from almost a year back. I write this, and get...well...7550 views and well over a thousand likes in under a week. You may not like it, and it's certainly not ideal, but this is the way of the world as it is.
This is the part I mostly disagree with.
Exhibit A: Another fic based entirely around a card game that has almost 10,000 views and barely any negative response at all. And poker I'd argue is far less emotionally involving than CAH, because the latter involves real people and experiences. Poker is just shuffling cards and chips around. If your statement is true then how can you attribute the reception these fics have gotten?
That said, cheers for reading it regardless. Taken what you've said on board, *thumbs up*
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I actually reviewed that very same story a few weeks back, when it first came out (in my second feature box review blog). If you'd have read that too, you'd have seen that I don't really care much for it, either; majority popular opinion doesn't exactly indicate quality, as we've been told time and time again. It wasn't bad, so I didn't exactly hate it, but it kinda bland. And I've caught up on updates since then, but so far, it's turning out to be what I expected. But, see, I leveled an attack against the whole "based solely on the card game" aspect, in your case. That other story you mentioned? It was never about, "Wow, poker!" and nothing but poker. It merely uses the card game as a framework to enable the true dilemma/drive of the story, which is, of course, Rarity "losing" her virginity. If you similarly plan to use make your concept a framework for some other conflict or whatever, then hey, I'd welcome it. As it stands, there's just really not a lot of substance here, though I suppose I'll need to see what you have planned before I can make a fuller judgement on that. Right now, all I see is "they play Cards Against Humanity, and that's pretty much it".
I'm all-too-aware of this, and it annoy me because that's what discourages creative and original writing to begin with; the mindless hordes of the masses all want clop, "comedy", cuteness, or some random fad that'll die off in a month or so. I guess the sad truth is, a lot of people don't know what they really want; stuff like I've mentioned just hits all the "familiar" nerves, and they are hard-pressed to venture beyond that, because they think that's all they need or want. (At least, until a select few actually decide to branch out, or find a new fad to latch on to.) That's the kind of mindset that kills creativity and the ability to accept and promote such creative, and it pisses me off to no end...
All in all though, I'm at least glad you're able to take the review cordially. (Heaven knows I've gotten hate messages leveled at me in the past because of such things.) I have too many problems with the concept to consider it redeemable, but for what it's worth, your execution and writing was actually pretty decent; better than most fics on the site, too be fair. Honestly, it all feels like a bit of wasted effort, but at the end of the day, I suppose I can't tell people what they should and shouldn't write. You can write whatever you'd like, but just be aware once its put into the public's domain and judgement, all bets are off. Blah blah entitled to your own preferences and opinions, yadda yadda. That's about all I have to say, really...
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Haha, I'm far too nice to send hate messages, and I'm far too sensible to not realise that constructive criticism is best criticism.
Nyehhhh...certainly I started out writing with it just being them playing CAH, but through the process I've added a slight underlying thread that'll pay off in the end involving a certain "Doctor Disco". So I guess now you could say there are hints of story structure, though certainly nothing concrete. Admitably I was never aiming for that.
Still, I did get a bunch of followers out of it, which'll help the popularity of future, more complex fics. Woohoo I guess. ^^
Got here via a circuitous route involving a link from Door Matt. Always cool to find more reviewers! *follows*
I'll have to point City Of Doors at you, too, since I don't see you on the big master list …
Oh! Critical feedback on my fic? Sweet.
Tough to disagree with those criticisms. My descriptions are very vague... although since the action is entirely in the conversation, it probably didn't hurt the fic as much as it could have if there were more scenes in it or the focus was less on the dialogue. And for the first scene, I could have really put a lot more into it than I did, if I was going to have it at all. It needed something to start it, though. I guess it could have started with Twilight nervous then with Luna's entrance.
And for characterization... yeah. Gotten a few (although I suspect the number of people actually put off by it was more than a few) comments about how Twilight's snap at Spike was off putting. It's important to the plot (such as it has a plot), so I even if it was rewritten she would have to have a response that basically boils down to that, or can be mistaken for that anyway. The intention was that the action was a combination of Twilight's desire to be "correct" and Twilight's anxiety over her meeting with Luna and desire to be seen as a competent peer... and that she instantly felt guilty for it. Reading it over, I definitely didn't make any of that stuff particularly clear. Even then it would have been slightly out of character, but the intention that it was a moment of a slight out of character action explained away by stress could have been clear.
I expected a stronger response like this when I published Just, because it does sorta boil down to that. The subject is fairly often tread, and an unfavorable interpretation of it can be me just whinin' about how Spike is treated in the show.
Weirdly, Luna's controversial portrayal as an aristocrat that has a full-featured belief that that it is the best system to live by was not something I was worried about, even though there has been a lot more negative response to her attitude (although less often levied at the fic as evidence of it being poorly written, usually more about being frustrated by her perspective).
Eventually I wised up... after the majority of the people who read my fic already did. Just in time to help almost nobody!
In the end:
Rated Decent by a harsh reviewer isn't that bad.
I know you're just doin' your self-appointed job, but I appreciate it.
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It was alright for you, I had Blinky and JohnPerry review my fic, and he even combed over it twice!
Shockingly, I think Cards came away relativity unscathed...