Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks Review · 4:45am Oct 20th, 2014
If you have been following me since July of 2013, you probably know what my thoughts are on the film Equestria Girls.
Well, it's that time of life when its sequel, Rainbow Rocks has come out and I have to watch it. While not nearly as blood-boiling as the first Equestria Girls was in terms of how irredeemable virtually every aspect was, Rainbow Rocks still suffers from many of the same problems the first did, only in lesser form, and while certain moments are good, the good things in the film are mainly just that: moments.
The film is better than the first, yes, but it would be like taking Adolf Hitler and giving him a Jerry Garcia-brand tie. He looks a little better, but he's still a monstrous human being responsible and partially successful in the attempted genocide of millions of people.
But I promised you guys a review, and that's just what I'm here to give. No more time wasted. Let's get to it.
The film opens up at a diner in the humanized Equestria, where all of its customers are sitting and arguing amongst each other while a green mist permeates the air. The only three people seemingly unaffected by it are three girls singing a hypnotic melody while the mist is drawn into ruby chokers on their necks. The three girls are revealed to be Adagio Dazzle, Aria Blaze, and Sonata Dusk, who all complain that the power drawn from the diner's inhabitants' fighting isn't very strong. It's at this moment that something catches Adagio's eye: the climax to the first Equestria Girls far off in the distance. Adagio recognizes the resulting blast from the Elements of Harmony as Equestrian magic, and with that, the three mysterious girls are prepared to harvest it for their own means.
Then the opening starts off, and it's probably going to su...
(One minute of opening credits later)
That actually worked surprisingly well. Unlike the first film, which jammed an electronic remix of the original TV opening despite the style of music being used nowhere else in the film, the music actually sounds a bit like rock. Yes, it's more poppier than the rock I'm used to, but I still consider acts like Pink and Orianthi rock, so what they hell, right?
Regardless, we then cut to the next day of school where... the front has been fixed from the damage Sunset Shimmer has done to it. Weird... Anyways, the school is rallied together to prepare for the school's talent show, designing posters inside the gym. A now reformed Sunset Shimmer (and she ironically looks and sounds much more natural as a hollow bitch, btw), tries to give help to her fellow students, but is rebuffed. However, she is eagerly called by Pinkie Pie to assist the rest of the human versions of our Mane 6 (minus Twilight, of course).
Celestia and Luna-
-gives a small speech for the students, rallying them further for the show and unintentionally reminds everyone about the events from the last movie, which results in the students giving Sunset Shimmer nasty looks, and the poor girl just looks so embarassed!
You brainwashed them in your power trip, destroyed their school, and made all of their lives a living hell for three-and-a-half years. Don't pretend that you're the victim here.
Regardless, Sunset laments to her friends during their... band rehearsal... because... sure, why not? They then tell Sunset that they've since forgiven her and rationalize that the experience brought them closer together, and then a drive-by musical number happens where the girls sing a bland song where Applejack plays bass despite there being no bass played on the track. As they perform, the girls find that their magical ponytails, ears, and (in Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy's case) wings grow on their bodies as Sunset Shimmer jams her tits off to the totally-not generic tune. At the song's end, Sunset applauds their performance.
Yeah, Hasbro, you go applaud yourselves for that. I'm sure the Grammy and Oscar nominations are just going to come pouring in.
Anyways, after that pointless genericness, Mr. Pointless Genericness himself, Flash Sentry, appears and asks where his ponywhore that he's fallen in love with after five minutes is, to which the girls say that she's not coming back anytime soon. With his purpose in the scene finished, he goes off to rub one out while Rarity tries to push the "SunsetxFlash" ship as if it wasn't pointless and added nothing to the story. Sunset then says she only dated Flash then so she could get popular.
Flash Sentry is considered popular? You mean the guy from the last movie who waited until the afternoon of the dance to ask the new, socially awkward girl out is considered popular in that world?
However, the rationalizations for Flash's existence will have to wait another day, as Sunset has been called away to show some new girls around at the school, and it's revealed to be...
As detrimental as that sounds, the villains are literally the best consistent thing within this movie, non-ironically to boot. They're actually self-aware, and they actually show to have a true grasp on manipulation and changing the outcome to their favor, proving to be truly effectual villains.
Anyways, Sunset shows them around the school, and they act so conspicuous that it's actually giving me a reason to not do something more worthwhile with my time. However, something feels off to Sunset, and she discloses this to her friends. Thankfully for the Dazzlings, Sunset's vagueness buys them enough time to put their ultimate plan into motion: suggest a battle of the bands and use their magic to entice the students to make the competition as cutthroat as possible, all through song, no less (and of course this is all spoken to us through exposition, because there's no other way we would have gotten the hint (but considering this film's approval ratings, I think the majority of people who saw it really needed it).
We're nearly a quarter of the way through, and I can't help but realize: All of these scenes have been teased on YouTube/Equestria Daily. This makes me come to the resulting conclusion:
HASBRO LEAKED LITERALLY ONE QUARTER OF THIS MOVIE ALREADY!
Either way, the song seems to work, and everyone's bickering and fighting feeds the Dazzlings through their necklaces, alerting the immune Sunset and Mane 6. They try to warn Celestia and Luna, but they've clearly been affected by the spell, so the principals don't seem to suspect a thing, and the girls leave, their current options (minus trying any method to break them out of the spell they are clearly fucking in at that time) clearly having run out.
Without the magic (or logic) to fight the Dazzlings and their curse, the girls are left wondering what else to do. It's then that Sunset Shimmer comes up with a totally-not asspull that could get Twilight to come and assist them. She reveals an old journal within her locker that says that whatever she writes in it will be recorded on a book that Celestia controls in Equestria.
And immediately, the question is raised: Why does Sunset have this book?
It's clear from the first movie that Sunset flat out abandoned Celestia and her studies when she went off to the human world. Why would Sunset even want to continue having ties to her, yet alone write to her? For that matter, if she still was given such a book, why does, or would, she still own it? According to her, "deep down, she just knew she was making a big mistake."
Because this is totally the look of a girl who feels remorse for her actions and knows what she's doing is wrong, right?
Poor straw-grasping aside, the girls decide to contact Celestia for Twilight, hoping that she can be of some assistance. We then cut back to the real Equestria in the town of Ponyville, where Twilight's crystal tree castle is now gracing its-
The beforehand events, the fixing of the school... So, this whole thing takes place after Twilight's Kingdom?
...
WHAT THE FUCK SENSE DOES THAT MAKE?
So much shit has happened in between both Equestria Girlseses... shut up. The Elements of Harmony being relinquished to the Tree of Harmony, the post-bearers rediscovering their Elements and getting their keys for the box, THE FUCKING EQUESTRIA GAMES!!
No fucking way this all took place in less than several months, and the Dazzlings have only begun attacking Canterlot High now?
Anyways, Twilight is hanging in her castle with real Mane 6 when a pony carrying a cart of books from Princess Celestia (which we know because he tells us, because fuck you) arrives. One of the books begins to glow, and...
...hwat?
So, Celestia just gives up her book that lets her know how her ex-student has been doing, and she just so happens to give it to the one pony that Sunset is trying to contact for help?
When the ponies then ask what the shaking book is all about, Twilight goes inside and reveals that her human friends need help. An obvious transition for a commercial break edit when the film airs on TV happens, and Twilight deduces that the Dazzlings are creatures known as sirens based on Sunset's description. After a thankfully not rushed exposition, the sirens used their magic to cause conflict between ponies, which they fed off of for sustenance. Then, Starswirl the Bearded, in a TOTALLY non-pandering cameo, sent the sirens to another world where, and I quote "their magic power would be lost," en quote.
Oh, you mean like fucking this!?
They should just rename Starswirl "The Dropping the Ball Wizard."
Regardless, Twilight "needs" to go help her "friends," despite them being exact copies of her real friends that she's known for at most a day. She manages to use the spell placed in Celestia's book that allowed Celestia to connect to the human world as a battery to force the portal open so she can return to the human world.
So, this brings up a really interesting question...
WHY WAS THERE EVER A NEED FOR THE THIRTY MOONS RULE IN THE FIRST MOVIE?!
Fixing a problem after the fact doesn't fix the problems because of it caused in the past. Seriously, think about this? What good did the thirty moons rule add to the first Equestria Girls movie?
To create a time conflict? I guess, but that didn't seem to be nearly as important as dressing up Twilight and human friends in flashy clothes for the big dance, especially when said conflict was nonsensically torn down by Pinkie Pie.
So the humans couldn't stumble into Equestria at the end? Equestria's Celestia couldn't have just sealed the portal after that?
If you think about it, the removal of this rule could have removed a lot of the plotholes created by it in the first movie. Sunset could have actually had the chance to know about Equestria and its current events while she was stuck in the human world and would have more logically planned her takeover, which includes Twilight, her friends, the Elements, their bearers, and where the portal was ultimately moved to. By just tossing this plot device away, you're pretty much saying, "We could have made it that reasonable, but no, because fuck you guys."
Twilight's friends want to assist her, but Twilight tells them to stay behind to avoid any confusion between the copies of both Mane 6 counterparts. Despite the fact that this shouldn't be a problem considering that Twilight's friends know about these copies in the human world and vice versa, and that this could create some interesting and humorous interactions with one another, Twilight's friends are totally cool sitting out because apparently intelligence and risk-taking aren't very marketing and sales savvy.
Spike and Twilight hop into the portal and return in their human forms. Sunset even offers her hand, and Twilight, you know, the girl that forgave her in the first movie and brought her and the human Mane 6 together, is reluctant in accepting it like that was never the case. Twilight and her friends decide to head to the cafe to talk about the sirens and "catch up," namely the alien boy she knew for five minutes missing Twilight, which instantly makes her ejaculate with glee.
Regardless, Rainbow Dash reveals their furry transformations when they play music, which leads Twilight to conclude that the Element of Magic's powers remained in Equestria through them because... why the fuck not? They decide to take the Dazzling sirens out at a party for the bands that signed up for the battle, where they will most likely be. Once they get there, Twilight and Flash bump into each other... again... because it was so funny and original in the first movie, and honestly, their words to each other aren't as full of forced romance as you would expect.
Either way, the Dazzlings soon arrive, and it's time to take action. Twilight and her friends join hands and she says the magic words: "Friendship is Magic!"
As you would expect, it does jack shit. Twilight is so confused as to how it didn't work! Perhaps you, oh, I don't know, HAD AN ELEMENT OF HARMONY WITH YOU THE LAST TIME? Maybe? I don't know, guys! I'm just using deductive reasoning like any moderately-smart person would do! Sorry? Reasoning and smart are only in moderation in this movie? My apologies, let me grab my coat!
Having more intelligence than the average popcorn fart, Adagio Dazzle continues to rile up the other increasingly hostile contestants while making Twilight and her human band look more like asses than before. Twilight is still confused, but Sunset says that they were able to defeat her in the first Equestria Girls by drawing magic from the crown (OH, SO THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS NOW?). She then says that Twilight must draw magic from their source: their music.
Or, you know...
...those clearly magical things around their motherfucking necks (meaning that kumbaya bullshit should have actually worked that time)?
Twilight thinks this is right, and that in order to defeat them, they need to perform a musical counterspell by using the magic of her human friends when they play and break the spell on everyone affected by the Dazzlings' magic, which would be most efficient at the actual Battle of the Bands. This might not be too bad of a plot from here... perhaps as tensions are high, the band won't play as well, and that the tensions brought on by the Dazzlings will make it even harder. This could actually be interesti-
Or make it so that they actually have to create one in order for it to work...
...
...
WHY?!?!?!
Why does Twilight need to create a counterspell? She didn't need to create a counterspell when she defeated Sunset that first time; she just used the magic to defeat her ass. Why can't the same happen here? Besides, the band already plays well enough together that they each activate the magic inside of them, and wouldn't they just need Twilight to channel that magic as per the rules you, movie, are making up?
But holy chocolate cocks! I forgot that Twilight needs to be the center of attention somehow, because what good would a show about friendship be if it actually involved all the friends?! Fuck that, right?!
So instead of getting to work on creating that all important spell that we need to spend the next half hour writing to ensure this is a feature length fucking movie, we have a slumber padding- I mean party! It's fucking pointless, other than Twilight not being able to come up with anything. Perhaps if she didn't stay into a room with distracting video-games to screw with her. Twilight decides to sneak off to the kitchen at night to write some more, and she and Sunset have what could have been a heartfelt chat between former rivals and instead turns into a Twilight "I'm the most important character in this movie" and Sunset "I'm depressed because no one likes how I was a cunt to everyone" fest. Oh and there's a funny cameo by Maud Pie. Yes, it was funny. Blow my ass.
The next morning (or when-the-fuck-ever, I don't even know anymore), Twilight and the band (called the Rainbooms before I forget) practice Twilight's song, and it sounds as shitty and generic as nearly anything else this franchise has churned. Perhaps if you, I don't know, play the same equally generic and thematically identical song that the others seemed actually really good at, you might have a chance? No? That makes way too much sense? Of course it does...
However, the pressure to perform at top-level begins sparking tensions between the other members. Rainbow, the band's leader, wants to hog the spotlight, Rarity wants to glam everyone on stage, and Fluttershy can't get a word in, Applejack is trying to straighten everyone out, and the fighting is a major downer for Pinkie Pie. This is problem because the check-in for the battle is in less than an hour...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? You expect me to believe that Twilight was supposed to just write a song, have the girls learn and perfect it in time for the battle, all in less than a day or so? Do these asshats know how being in a band works? Don't you think that if it were so easy to write and learn a fucking song, all the artists we listen to would be able to churn out new albums every several months? Think, you fuckers! It doesn't hurt you!
Any-fucking-way, the plan is changed: The band will not play their best songs so it will give Twilight time to write her song come time of the finals that evening. This would have been an interesting plot mechanic had it been written well, but fuck it, we're more than halfway there, and I need gin soon.
After an embarrising wigger turn for Snips and Snails, it's time for the Rainbooms to perform, and they decide to play Shake Your Tail. Never mind the fact that the song sounds as boring and trite the first time it was played, never mind the fact that Applejack and Rarity are visually playing their instruments despite there being no audible bass or keyboards on the track at the time, and never mind the fact that the students, who have become so desperate to win thanks to the Dazzlings' spell, interrupt the band's playing and singing despite their instruments and voices finally being heard on the track at the time, I'm just glad that the general consensus of the others in the gym share my same sentiments:
Despite fucking up royally, the shitty audio mixing saved the Rainbooms and they move on to the next round. Sunset meets with the Dazzlings, who demean her for her failed attempts at taking over the school as well as increasing her feelings of impotency, noting her seclusion from the band, making Sunset feel even more like shit. Did I mention how much I love these villains?
Before this, Twilight bumps into Flash Sentry... AGAIN, and this time, he's been so influenced by the spell that he chews Twilight out for trying to challenge him and defeat him in the battle. Despite the fact that Twilight knows (or at least very well should) that he's been put under the spell, and that she can rationalize to both him and herself that he's brainwashed, the alien meanie's words hurt her and she walks away to have a cry about it.
It doesn't really matter anyways. After a (surprisingly visually tense) two minute montage detailing the battle's progress to the Dazzlings' singing, Flash's band loses and he fucks off somewhere for a long time. It's now time for Trixie's band vs. the Rainbooms, and Rainbow Dash insists on playing her signature song while Sunset waits off in the corner. Don't worry, Sunset. It's not you, it's your marketability.
The band plays, and Rainbow Dash begins to take full control, overshadowing the band and playing so full-on that she begins to transform. In an effort to prevent the Dazzlings from catching on, Sunset tackles Rainbow Dash, causing the whole performance to go to shit. The students turn on Sunset and boo both her and the band off the stage.
It looks as if Trixie's band is going to move on, but the Dazzlings find Celestia and Luna and hypnotize them with their song. When it's announced that the Rainbooms have advanced to the finals, it seems as if the writers have made another failed attempt to keep this stillborn film going, but the Dazzlings go to Trixie, who incite feelings of rage within her at her and her band unfairly being eliminated towards the Rainbooms. I don't think I've said this, but these villains are great!
That afternoon, Trixie lures Twilight, Sunset, and the band to the main stage at a local park, where she traps them beneath the stage via a trapdoor, because doesn't it make sense for a platform to have such a life-threatening contraption on it? Now that the girls are stuck, Trixie's band goes in their place. Twilight breaks down in her failure to see the completely obvious answer, and the others' tempers reach fever pitch, allowing their negativity to seep out from them just as the Dazzlings perform their big song and...
Dat bassline, dat animation, dem Lacuna Coil feels. I'm not kidding. This is the best sounding and looking thing this movie, yet alone this series, has produced.
Okay, enough fanboying, back to the review.
Seeing the bands succeeding, Sunset finally decides to nut up and knock some sense into the girls, making them realize the Dazzlings' true intent and see their own faults. Just then, Vinyl Scratch comes in out of nowhere with Spike (because her headphones blocked the sirens' song). With the band now free, they go off to perform their song, which Twilight says it doesn't matter which, as long as they play it together!
It only took you the whole movie to figure it the fuck out! After suiting up and agreeing to play a song Fluttershy wrote, the band begins playing over the Dazzlings thanks to a car/stage provided by Vinyl Scrath (Transformers, subliminal advertising in disguise). Despite the lyrics being as contradictory and as an athiest republican and pedestrian as any Disney Channel original song can be, the music itself actually sounds really great and the battle itself has a lot of visual flair. The battle gets so heated, in fact, that the Dazzlings unlock their true siren forms, beginning to overpower the band.
However, it's Sunset to the rescue when Twilight drops the mic, and she and Twilight belt it out with the band as they go full on Separate Ways-esque Journey style, fully unlocking the band's magic to both lift the spell and defeat the Dazzlings (as well as destroying their pendants.
As you can tell, I actually was particularly fond of this part.
The Dazzlings find they can't sing without their gems and our booed off the stage, the writers wisely not ruining them with a shitty redemption like last time. Twilight and Flash, now broken free of the spell, share a hug, which becomes an awkward realization of closeness (it wasn't an attempted kiss, I'm calling that now). Trixie cockblocks them with a promise of revenge and the repeat of a shitty, non-subtle joke from earlier in the film.
With Twilight gone, but promising to return whenever they need thanks to her portal ripping, Sunset applies to be the new singer (and a guitar player (because SURE, WHY THE FUCK NOT!?)). She writes to Twilight in her journal that she still has a ways to go for redemption, but it will be a lot easier now with her friends. With Sunset joining in a band practice, the movie finally ends...
And I'll be honest, I've never turned a movie off that quickly after it was over (no, I haven't seen the end-credits scene. Yes, ripped my the theater rip from YouTube and I can still watch it, but I won't, because FUCK IT!
Final Verdict: Meh. I mean the lower side of meh. The first half was treading close to the rock-bottom levels of the first movie save for the villains, and the last half was just kinda' bland save for the villains and those last couple songs. While technically a shit film, it's not nearly as blood-boiling as the first, and I can rest assured that I'll forget about this movie soon enough. At least we have some fun villains to see in our fanfiction for the months to come, so for that, I'm at least grateful.
I'll say that if you're really itching for quality family friendly entertainment, just go and see Boxtrolls or Book of Life. I've been doing theater checks as an usher and it looks really good. Also, Fury was good too. I'm hoping to see Birdman this weekend. Oh, and we're having an outing at my Chicago job that involves seeing a film at the Chicago Film Festival, and it just so happens to be on my birthday. Whatever the fuck, just go see those movies and not waste an hour on this. You'll thank me.
your review doubled itslelf
nice copy-paste skills m8
2544903 I'm sorry, Wilson!
2544904 SORRY ISNT ENOUGH
also did you know that lyle draws pony porn now
2544905 Strangely, I find that that doesn't surprise me.
BTW, review has be fixed.
2544907 kek
also it was SPAZKID who does it
not lyle
the two are one and the same for me
even though they are obviously
you know
not
2544911
at least we got more porn
2544926 Well, unless it's the Dazzlings in their pony or siren forms, you can count me the fuck out.
2544932
implying anyone can like the garbage with >no hooves
Good to hear, I've been thinking of seeing it.
Damn! Now I owe $15 because I bet that the movie would be even more shit than the predecessor.
Wow, i didn't expected your review to come up so soon.
Now, once that this crap will go HD on the tube i will be prepared to make my analysis.
Funny and awesome review like usual!
Ps: Any and all the others who claims that the plot-holes are nitpicks can go to *biip* themselfs.
You've got to love the logic of these spinoffs in how a massive majority of the My Little Pony movies don't show My Little Ponies.