Saturday Night Featured #7: They Don't Pay Me Enough For This · 2:41am Oct 19th, 2014
Oh lawdy oh lawdy oh lawdy. Another Saturday is upon us! What with the hoopin' and hollerin' I almost dang gone missed out on this riff-rafting adventure into da featured box lands! Well, good thing I got me a bottle-o of some damn fine whiskey and me schedule cleared so we can get rodeo into MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE! Oh boy howdy, what a ripp-snortin' night we gonna have. Just from the looksy I can tell without a f-ing c*nt doubt that the featured box is at the deep level of mediocrity. Some would call it a blessing, but me, I call it "Goddamn what the hell am I doing with my life god why why why why why"
Anywhores, I'm RainbowBobbington the III of the preeeestigious class of drunk off the boat, and this, my astute followers, is Saturday Niiiiiiiiight Featured!
WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE AND EXTREMELY DRUNKEN SHENANIGANS SHALL BE AT HAND!
Yeah, it's gonna be one of those types of nights.
By golly, I am positively pissed. Both in the term of drunk and the term of angry. This Saturday was going sooooo wonderful, but then I remembered the pile of shit waitin' fer me back home. The featured box, the box of coveted boxes that is a box, beckons to me. The sly bitch. I know what she wants, damnit, and fuck me because I'm gonna give it to her. So hold on to yer hats, kiddies, because #7 is just about to begin!
Aegis of the Hive by Law Abiding Pony
This story is a sequel to For the Hive
A few months after the events of Queen Twilight Sparkle's reveal that she and her hive can produce love, the changeling hives find themselves in an arms race. As Aegis Altair watches over her queens haggling with the minotaur emperor, she finds something that just might give Phoenix's Roost the edge it needs to come out on top.
Oh thank Christ, an author figured out how to use the bloody sequel function. Also, before I go any further, just... just look at this.
Looks like Twilight's weed farm caught on fire... again.
Oooookay, so... Twilight looks high as shit. Also she has wings or some weird-ass cape and... I'm guessing Sombra's horn? There are timber wolves everywhere as well. Shit's on fire, if ya didn't already catch that. Also, I have no fuckin' clue if that's a gun, laser, cannon, or... whatever the fuck it is. Jesus Christ, it's like some vomited out some steampunk shit and didn't even think whether it would be actually functional as a gun or not. But oh well, because this is fanfiction! And not just that, but from the description it's:
This is an short interlude before hive book 3.
Part of a series. As well as:
Sex tag because Aegis is a horn dog, but no actual depiction.
I am scared to think what a horn dog has to do with a sex tag, but hey, I haven't even read the bloody thing. Let's get to it!
I couldn't really think of a good-nuff gif so have this thing.
I... what? It could be the high amount of alcohol pumping through my bloodstream, but I don't get one fucking thing in this story. Okay, okay, apparently Twilight is a changeling. Basic "x is a changeling" unoriginality right from the end of season two, basic shit. I can get that. But apparently she... has a hive and shit. Jesus Christ, I can't even list everything out here because only half the story makes sense. And the other half was about some minotaur world building of whatever. Really dry prose that was really robotic. The first person perspective REALLY didn't give enough information about what was going on for me to really care. This entire story just doesn't make much sense, and I can probably guess why. It's a sequel story tailored to a series that wouldn't really make any sense to anyone who isn't involved with this verse/series/whatever. This itself isn't really bad, but fuck me if a newcomer is gonna understand any of it. I can't really say what's bad or good because I don't understand what's good or bad about it because I can't fucking understand the goddamn series. If you're into this hive shit or whatever, then it'll be your cup of tea, but since I dislike most changeling stories (the stuff I just said above is why) I won't dive into it. Also, tip to the wise, using <> for dialogue instead of quotations/bolding/italics is stupid. Time for #6 already.
When David volunteered to be part of a cryogenic experiment he thought he'd be at the forefront of human technology, spearheading research and development.
Unfortunately politics doesn't work that way.
Lucky for him, the science was solid... For ten thousand years.
Well... HiE. How pleasant. Thank God it doesn't have a romance tag, so there's hope. Let's see how much we can beat that hope up, now shall we?
AN: My attempt at some sardonic and satirical humour. Nothing is to be taken seriously. Tags when relevant. Continuation whenever I feel like it. Mwuhahaha.
Huh, I'm actually liking the chip of this bloke's jive.
Rated teen for inappropriate scenarios. Well, lots of inappropriate scenarios.
Oooh, I'm actually excited now.
And Featured 19/10/14!
Fuck.
Woohoo, not like I need any more pressure... dang it!
Jesus Fucking Christ.
Can I go back to being an unknown writer?
We at least we agree on one thing. And I guess now is the time to actually read it...
I fucking hate Saturdays.
Well, it was exactly what I expected. Poorly edited, cheap jokes, even cheaper laughs, a lot of comedy ripped off from TF2/Futurama/Idiocracy. Fiiiiiirst off, for fuck's sake, get a motherfucking editor that fucking knows what they're fucking doing, FUCK! The goddamn comma doesn't go after the quotation mark! Actually, I don't even think this author knows how to use a comma, because 9/10 times it's in places it shouldn't be and then there are places it should be placed in but isn't! A good chunk of the comedy in the story is ripped-off from other sources. I mean, there's still some kinda okay-ish jokes here and there, but the rest I've seen and laughed at before. It does have a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy vibe to it, which I give the author props for. David himself isn't a Gray Stu human (thank Christ) but he's still pretty cardboard, so not really many points there. Twilight is... well, there isn't much with her in it, so I can't really give an opinion. And then the author linked another story in chapter two that... well, confused the entire mess further. No real clue why that was included, if only to make me roll my eyes at spotting it. I mean, the side chapter isn't even published, so I'm wondering what was the point to—
I must thank Obselescence for giving me the idea to link into other stories for side chapter goodness. What a genius. I hope Obselescence doesn't mind.
Obs you son of a bitch. That's it, I'm out, time for fucking #5!
Twilight's Big (Penis) Problem by Syeekoh
While perusing through a book of spells Princess Celestia has sent her, Twilight thoughtlessly activates one of them and finds herself with a new appendage.
Oh hey, I wonder if this is gonna be a futa anthro clopfic.
Trigger warning: Fuck you, you're going in blind.
Hmmm... now I'm not so sure...
Futatured on October seventeenth, twenty fourteen!
Wait, no, it is!
In Which Twilight Grows A Cock · 16th Oct 2014
I'll break it down for ya what happens in this here story. Twilight has a dick, Apple Bloom sucks her off, Twilight is possessed by some demon or whatever, and then fucks Apple Bloom some more until the real Twilight comes (heh) back to her senses. I give this story credit for being a little bit off the beaten path, but that dark tag was completely overtaken by the comedy tag (which in itself I don't really think would fit the bill here). There was nothing really dark about it, and the characters themselves took most of the story unseriously. Also, if good characterization is what you wanted, it'll be the next town over in the middle of Nowhere on the moon's fucking cratered surface. The clop parts were so technically written it was like two robots were laying down the smack. Heck, Tranformers sexfics (those are a thing, and yes, I've read a great many of them) have more liveliness in them than this story. The entire thing was just... the best way I can describe it as featured box bait. It had the anthro cover art, the stupid-ass trigger warning that used spoiler tags to make it so that the warning itself only made people want to read it more. By God, it's hitting all the actual triggers for bait to get in the box, and I'll be damned if that wasn't what it just did. Congrats for the featured, because right now I'm ready to get this night over with for #4!
Parenting is Easy, I Swear by Aragon
Cadance and Night Light share a pleasant conversation in a café. Everything somehow manages to get really weird, really fast.
Huh. That's about as typical/normal sounding as description I can think of. Not really sure what to expect, so eh, fuck it, time for the fic without any sarcastic remarks, I suppose.
BUT ONLY THIS ONCE!
First off, I am really disliking how the story is broken up by a [ hr ] mark every few sentences. Like, that shit can work for a tv show or comic, but for a story it is jolting, confusing, and really throws the pacing off. Anyway, as for the story itself, it's just jokes upon jokes upon jokes. Most of which are unfunny. There's a joke about how alicorns are starfish ponies, which I think is awesome, but even then I couldn't find it funny. It's like the author is trying to tell the story with a British humor type of prose, but it lacks the witty sarcastic vibe and much of the dryness. From there it's just French humor (the worst ever). The story is a machinegun of jokes firing off all at once that should be funny but isn't because most are executed half-heartedly or, like whenever you have too much of a good thing, there are way too many at once and thus lose their comedic hits. I couldn't go two sentences without something "funny" shoved in my face. Like anything in life, a story has to have moderation, and if everything in the story is constantly trying to be funny, then the funniness itself loses much of its impact. Disagree with me if you want, but that's how I feel about it. Probably the reason I dislike the random tag so much, because the author always tries to make everything in it so random without much else added on to give the story substance. Eh, anyway, time for #3!
To Find a Rainbow by JeremyStorm
Sometimes, the things we want seem out of reach or impossible. Other times, you don't know what you want until you have it.
And sometimes, what you really wanted has been right under your nose all along...
When Will, a single human living in a world of ponies, becomes friends with benefits with his good friend Rainbow Dash, it seemed like a dream come true.
So why then does it seem like he's just as unsatisfied as ever?
Wow, it's not like I haven't read a hundred stories similar to this HiE before. Can I venture on a guess that Will, the only single human living in a world of ponies, is a whiny cunt? No? Then he's probably gay. Boom, done, end of story, I just easily sidestepped dozens of chapters to get to the deep, underlaying twist. Time to pack up and go home, everybody, this show is over!
...
Fine, fine, fuck, I'll read the goddamn thing.
Ya buncha bloomin' arseholes.
Okay, well, eh. For a clopfic it's okay, Will is actually a good enough human OC, Dash is decently in character, and the rest of it is just eh. The initial story feels kind of half-assed, mostly due to everything being sidestepped to get to the main point, but it isn't ridiculously pushed to the side to be thought of not believable (or as believable as an HiE fanfic would allow). Overall it's just a big ol' blah story I would typically have no interest in because I just don't really find these stories interesting. I mean, if you're up for HiExRainbow Dash romance clop, then by all means be my guest. it ain't a oneshot, so who knows, it might just get better (pfft) in the future. However, for my own future, #2 is calling my name.
Pinkie Pie's Last Nightmare Night by Admiral Biscuit
Pinkie Pie loves Nightmare Night. She loves dressing up, and she loves candy. Most of all, she loves pranking ponies. One year she goes too far.
Only thing I have to say about this story is thank fucking God "hilarity ensues" isn't in the fucking description. Time to bite the bullet and read the story. Yaaaaaaaaay.
I'm getting too spongey for this shit.
Heh. Actually, this story was pretty alright. It didn't make me burst out laughing, but I was smiling all the way through. It's not bad and was certainly not what I would think is a waste of time. Basically, if you want a quick oneshot with a fast laugh, this is up your alley. Heck, the ending joke was pretty funny, and—
Author's Note:
A One-Shot-Ober fic
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFinally time for #1!
Unicorn Horns Are Made Of Candy by ocalhoun
A secret unknown to any hornless pony, unicorn horns are made of candy. Pinkie Pie found out, and now she wants to try every flavor!
Huh, I could actually get behind this story.
Warning: contains awkward moments and far too much non-consensual horn licking. Proceed at the risk of your horn and your dignity.
Fuck it, I'm sold. To the story!
Try that with two cigarettes and then maybe I'll be impressed.
Yup, a damn surprise it is. I really liked this story. Sure, it involves Pinkie Pie going everywhere tasting every unicorns' (and alicorns') horns, but damn it if it wasn't funny all the while. A really good example of a oneshot comedy done right (that isn't part of fucking Oneshotober). Nothing much else to say other than I faved the upvoted it, the only featured box fic of the lot, sooooooo yeah. Go enjoy it. Or something. I'dunno, I'm fucking done for the night.
It looks like the most precious treasures really are at the very bottom of the shitpile. Another Saturday draws to a close, and with that, another nail hammered into the coffin for my liver. I don't know what next week holds, but if I know the featured box, then the sliding scale of idealism versus cynicism for me shall end in my doom. Well, at least I'm still spongey, yellow, and absorbent.
Current avatar as of this blog.
Obs you son of a bitch!
No matter how hard she tries, Pinkie shall never claw (hoof, whatever) her way to the screaming voices under those floorboards. For they're in her own head.
Oh, Bob, you poor son of a bitch. Live to suffer another Saturday, good sponge.
You poor, poor soul. I salute you, and may Christ show you his infinite love and mercy in your life.
Hey, good to hear that the candyhorn story and the Dumbshotober entry are decent.
Is that where ponies go for stupid memes?
The sacrifices you make make for us Bob. Bless your spongy, yellow heart.
Yis.
2542350
Yeah...
Parenting is Easy, I Swear really was trying too hard, which was its biggest flaw. It could have been funny, and parts of it were, but some of it was just... there. The bit about Twilight and Celestia in particular really didn't belong in the story; I think had the author cut that out, it would have worked a lot better.
The fact that I was told in the comments of that story that the author put it in that story because it didn't fit in anywhere else didn't really encourage me in that regard, either, and it also explains why it feels so randomly inserted - because it was.
I have been both anticipating and dreading being in the feature box on a Saturday, and I'm sure you can guess why.
That . . . was gentler than I expected.
Can I link your blog as a review?
2542371
Yeah sure go ahead.
2542381
Yay! Thanks!
2542368
The try hard feel was what really killed it for me. Every five seconds it was like "HEY LOOK A NEW JOKE LAUGH AT THIS!"
By god, it's like the laugh track to [insert bad sitcom here] all over again.
What's this? Positive remarks on a story amidst the drunken shenanigans? Perhaps I should RiL that one.
Huh. I really liked Aragon's story, but then I love random crap. On the other hoof, I feel like the "Pinkie's nightmare night" one needed about a thousand more words of padding its concept out.
2542387
I was watching The Muppets Tonight the other day with Bribri, and there was a joke in the show that not even the laugh track laughed at.
Naturally, that was itself the joke, because it is the Muppets.
Hmm... This is the first time I've actually seen Rainbowbob's drunken rants... And actually, it's pretty funny to watch. Certainly seemed a little harsh at some points, but that's the point of being drunk, so that you can ignore the filter between your brain and your mouth that you grew up with.
2542387
Yeah, there isn't much worse for a comedy than when it tries too hard to be funny, and becomes about sending out jokes in quick succession. Especially when they aren't good jokes.
Palutena bless Based Sponge for suffering the Featured Box's wrath, so we may avoid it as needed.
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I actually added ocalhoun's story to my read later list. Now I need to move it to the top of the queue.
For once, this isn't the place for OCD loot-hunting.
Ah, nothing like a box review to pick one up with before getting started with the studies.
I'm now both curious and very, very scared...
You're the first Sponge being I know that hates Saturdays...
Better put some salt on that wound next Saturday then.
Okay, I need to ask: why the hatred of One-Shotober?
(What did I unknowingly get myself into this time...)
Hold the phone. Hold the Fucking phone!
RainbowBob. Actually likes a story...
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